A Concerning Flaw

Some of you may know that I am currently on a clothes shopping diet.  This idea was born of wanting to offer my wife some sort of solidarity with her choice to be on a food diet.  The idea, that I came up with, is that I would refrain from clothes shopping while she is food dieting.

For the most part things are going quite well.  I am finding lots of good clothes combinations that I had not considered before.  I am also finding that I have way too much clothing.  Too much for me to ever be able to effectively wear during my limited outings as female.  Which makes me really want to cry as I love some of my female clothes and I know that I will never get to wear them as much as I would like.

I have had about three cheats.  Well maybe one or two are only a semi cheat.  The semi cheat was that I bought new removable bra pads for my daily wearing bralettes.  An actual cheat was that I was looking for a new pair of tennis shoes, which would have been a cheat for sure, but instead of tennis shoes I found a great pair of Fergalicious Wedges.  I've seen them for at least a year or two and I found them in my size for 30 bucks!  Um steal??  Yup, had to have them!  My last cheat was a sun blocking top that I can wear while out and about under the sun.  I've wanted one for quite some time and finally pulled the trigger.  So there, that is my full disclosure list.  My wife's list?  Well you'd have to ask her about that, as that is her choice to divulge or not.

But, and it is a big but, I have discovered a serious flaw in my plan.  What is it, you ask?  I've been using clothes buying to help me balance out my gender variance.  I had my suspicions, but after not shopping for about 5-6 months I can tell you that I am loosing my shit.  Well admittedly there are other compounding issues as well.

Remember that I finally got the Finasteride prescription that I was hoping for?  Well guess what, my urologist wants me to stop taking it.  Oh goodie!  I finally got it, and now he says he wants me to stop taking it.  Apparently they suspect it increases the chance of getting prostate cancer.  So he wants me to stop it entirely.

What was my response?  To finally seek out counseling for my gender concerns.  That is something I have never chosen to do.  Why?  Well, I personally think I am doing okay with handling my gender variance.  As well, I am NOT interested in transitioning to a life as a woman.  Maybe if my gender variance was fucking up my life somehow.  Maybe if I was seeking GCS.  Maybe then I would have been more on top of things.

Well, the counseling has been a struggle.  Why?  Ha!  Even online I am struggling to find someone competent in transgender concerns.  They said they have worked with the LGBT population.  I'm finding that is nowhere near someone who understands TRANSGENDER concerns.  So..... I'm struggling there.

Thus what is me recourse?  Go back to my lovely GP and seek out a referral to a transgender competent endocrinologist.  Just how exactly do you think that is going to turn out in the middle of rural California?  I'm not real hopeful.

Thus I am really struggling today to keep my shit together.

It really shouldn't be this hard to find competent health care.  I mean seriously, I have full coverage health care and fucking Planned Parenthood is looking like the best place for me to go.  Not that it is a bad thing, but shouldn't that be reserved for the people who are actually struggling financially?  That is not my position.  My position is actually finding someone within my health care plans coverage.  I will eventually get to the point to where I will end up just paying out of pocket for what I need, but I shouldn't have to.

I know what I need to do.  I have to make an appointment at my GP, go in and figure out how to get the referral to an endocrinologist.  Then figure out how to get it changed to one that actually understands transgender concerns.  I will say again, I'm not real hopeful.

Love you

https://static.pexels.com/photos/53528/belly-body-clothes-diet-53528.jpeg

Some Color in My Clothes & My New Wig

Skirt - Max Studio - Similar

Tank - Guess - Similar

Sweater - 89th & Madison - Similar

Shoes - Fergalicious - Similar

I don't know how many of you are wig wearers like myself, but getting a new wig is so weird.  Maybe, if you wear wigs, you have a different experience than myself.  For the last few times that I have purchased a wig, I have gotten the same wig.  The same style, the same color, everything.  So I expect that my new hair will look just like my old hair.  But it never turns out that way.

What does happen is that the new hair arrives and I excitedly try it on for the first time and it doesn't look like me.  That is SO weird.  I suppose though that it is the same thing as getting your hair cut, and maybe not expecting the actual results.  I mean sure it is the same you, but because it looks different that it is hard to recognize yourself.  That is what happens to me every time I get a new wig, even the same wig.

If I wasn't getting the same wig, then I would totally understand why I don't see myself, it's a new wig!  Duh!  But even with purchasing the same wig, no two wigs are exactly the same.  Well, it is easier with straight hair, but with curly hair, each curl sits a little differently, especially around the face.  I find as well that a wig changes with wear.  Sure it gets a little worn, but that is often a good thing.  With mine, they pick up a bit of oil, the cap stretches out a bit, the curls relax, it begins to feel like my own hair as it molds itself to me. 

So anywho... yeah, my hair looks a bit different to me in these photos.  So if it does to you as well, now you know why!  Exciting, right

This outfit is a bit different for me.  Did you notice I am wearing something other than black and white?  Crazy!  It was super tough finding anything that looked good to me with this skirt.  I super love the skirt, but it was difficult finding a top that look right with it.  I do like the blue, but it is generally not like me to wear just a tank top while out and about.  I often did not have the sweater on, though I didn't get a picture without it.  So uh yeah, there's that!

Hope you all are doing well!  

Love you!

Love yourself!

Friday Kittens - Portraits

What a beautiful picture of Puddin.  Well all except for the fact that she has a bit of cat litter stuck to her face.  That is never an attractive look.  But of course, after I removed it, all the rest of the shots were nowhere as good as this one.  Boo, hiss!!

Obi Wan in her typical model pose.  She is such a contemplative kitten, it is so cute!

Gordo is SO much bigger than everyone else.  And her fur is SO soft still.  We are wondering if she is going to grow out of it or not.

And lastly we have Luke, looking dapper.  We are still super curious as to what she will look like when she is all grown up.  Lighter cats tend to change colors quite a bit.  She still has her blue eyes and we fully doubt that she will keep them, but we are crossing our fingers!

Okie dokie!  

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love kittens loving you!

Hair Removal IPL Update - 1 Year Later

LumaRX - IPL - From Amazon

It has been about a year since I updated you all on my hair removal progress.  Mostly that has been because over the last summer I stopped using it as you are not supposed to use it if you are getting a tan, and with all of my outdoor activities I generally do tan quite a bit.  Thus I stopped for the summer, but I had fully intended to continue using it once my tan faded.

Alas, life got in the way and I did not zap myself nearly as much as I would have liked over this past winter.  And what do we have quickly approaching us again?  Yup summer!

Well, even though that bothered me a bit and I was quite annoyed with myself that I didn't do it more, I realized that really said something about the effectiveness of this product.  I only used it on my body maybe three or four times last year and the resulting hair growth was so minimal that it really didn't bug me that much.  Oh sure, I still have hair growing where I would prefer to not have hair growing, but it is seriously diminished.  So much so that it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did when I originally began this adventure.

The Good:
- My arms are almost basically hairless.  I still shave them but I often wonder why as I generally don't even see hair on them.  That is fantastic!  I really don't even feel stubble on them anymore.  Woo-Hoo!!  So on the arms this was fantastic!

- My chest is also almost hairless.  It does still grow hair that I notice, but gosh not nearly as much as it used to.  I generally go about a week between shaves now, and even then it is super sparse and not nearly as noticeable as it used to be.

The Medium:
- My lower legs are doing well, but they are still growing quite a bit of hair, maybe about half of what they used to, but it is a good result.

The Not So Good:
- My upper thighs and bikini line still have most of the hair.  But admittedly this is one of the hardest areas for me to zap well.  Thus I haven't done it as much as my chest, which was really the most annoying area for me.

- My belly still has most of the hairs growing.  This area does annoy me and is generally the impetus for me shaving my chest/belly each week.  The small fine hairs grow out, form stubble, and then proceed to poke me.  Annoying.

- Arm pits - I haven't noticed much hair diminishing from this area at all.

The machine itself:
- I have not used any other IPL machines, but this is a quality product that has held up well over the past year.  It is still delivering good light zaps.

- This machine requires a large amount of pull from the electrical system in your house.  I have had some difficulties with the machine beeping to me indicating that it can't draw the required voltage from the wiring.  Most of my home circuits are 15 amp rated and it quickly heats up those lines and the machine wont function.  It works better on the 20 amp lines I have.  But even then, with trying to zap your entire body in one sitting, the machine itself will heat up and will beep and will not function anymore.  This generally takes about an hour or two to occur, but it is still kind of annoying.  Considering how much electricity it takes to operate I don't know if any other machine would function much better than this one.  Maybe if there is a more "professional" level of machine it would handle more zapping at one sitting before over heating.  Who knows?  I don't!

Overall, I am super happy with this purchase and I think it was well worth the money when you consider the costs of doing this in a professional setting and having to pay somebody else.  I also like the convenience of pulling it out whenever I want.

Okie Dokie!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Boo-hiss body hair!!  Well at least to me.  Maybe if you are FtM, then you love body hair and want more.  Can I give you mine?

My Letter to a Counselor & Friday Kittens

I had an interesting day yesterday that I thought I would share a bit about before I presented most of my kitten photos.  Let's start with, do you know that I have never seen a counselor regarding my gender issues?  Yup, never have.  Never felt a need to actually.  But never mind that now right?  Anywho..... I am in kind of an interesting situation in that I am wanting to begin to speak to someone but the nearest person to me is about 70 miles away, one way.  Hmmm....  So I found an interesting enough looking online counseling service.  It is Betterhlp.com and I decided to reach out through them.  They asked for some info, so I wrote the following letter:

Hi -

What has brought me here is my gender variance.  I have known that I am transgender since being a child, though I didn't have the vocabulary about it that I do now.  I've dealt with my gender quite well for much of my life.  Currently I live in an openly non-conforming manner.  I am out with most of my friends, my wife has always known, and within the last couple of years I have come out at work as well.  Things have been going quite well actually, so I felt a bit foolish answering the questions on the survey, as almost all of them indicate a lacking for much concern.  

However, within the last 6 months I have been diagnosed with an enlarged prostate.  I asked my doctor to treat it with Finasteride.  That drug helps to shrink the prostate, but it is also used as a testosterone blocker with people who are pursuing transition.  While I am not interested in transitioning, I specifically requested that drug for the transgender issue, and not the prostate one.  There is a hope within me, that I would "suffer" the side effect of gynecomastia, but that I would continue to be able to sexually function as a male.  

So.... all was going well until today when I went to my doctor, he informed me that there have been many recent studies of prostate cancer in men taking finasteride and he recommends that I go off of it.   And..... do I have to say it?  That bothered me quite a bit.  Yeah, no I don't want cancer, who would?  So how can I justify taking a drug that might do that to me?  I can't.  

And that made me super sad today.  As my day has gone on, I have become more and more morose about the situation and thought, ya know, maybe it's time to actually talk to somebody about all of this.  Maybe there is something I can do that can help me that I have not thought of.

Where am I at right now?  I'm interested in pursuing ways that would help me, mentally and physcially be more comfortable in my body.  As I see myself mentally, I am somehwere between male and female.  Not fully one or the other, but a bit of both.  Physically wise, all I ever see is male.

Okay, I have blathered way too much, for something that was indicated to be "just a few short sentences."  Ha.  Me in a few short sentences, funny. 

Hey, I'm nothing if not direct huh?  Well we shall see where this leads, if anywhere!  The counselor they connected me with currently does not seem to have transgender experience, so I'm pretty sure that I'm going to request a change there.  I'll let you know!

Now, on with some furry furry love loves!

Here we have Puddin and Luke.  Luke is looking a bit evil in this photo huh?

This is Obi Wan and Gordo.  I thinkit is adorable how Gordo is peaking out saying hi!

A cute shot of Puddin.

And lastly Gordo.  I think this is an awesome shot.

Oh hey, could you tell, we bought a cat tree.  Exciting I know.  Well to us it is as we have never owned one before.  It was hilarious trying to get it home in our little tiny car.  Of course we did not have enough foresight to actually bring the truck!  Silly us!

Okay.  That's enough for today.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Do My Arms Tell Too Much?

Top - White House Black Market - Similar

Skirt - White House Black Market - Similar

Belt - White House Black Market - Similar

Shoes - Naturalizer - Similar

This weekend Jules and I had some shopping to do, so I decided to wear one of my all time favorite skirts.  This skirt totally reminds me of a peasant skirt, but it is far more upscale than that.  It's like a fancy peasant skirt.  The thing I really like about it is all of the pleating that it has.  It makes it so the skirt puffs up and swishes around while I walk, but hangs straight when I am just standing there.  The other thing I like about it is that while it is super thin, it also has a built in slip with it, so nothing shows through that shouldn't be showing through!  Wondrous and lovely!

I'm getting a bit more comfortable with having my arms out, but I still kind of feel like the Hulk.  I know that I am not and I know that many women have nicely defined arm muscles.  But still it is an obvious tell that I was born with a male body.  It's funny, people say to me get over it, it is no big deal and while I agree with that, occasionally I have taken snap shots with my wig off and people have also said that I then look only like a dude.

So it kind of makes me wonder, how much looking like a dude is acceptable?  Personally I think this all goes back to how many tells are you willing to show?  How much are you willing to let people know that sure I AM TRANSGENDER!

I don't really have a good answer for that.  For while I am fine with people knowing that I am transgender there are still a myriad of things that I feel uncomfortable doing.  I suppose that it has to do with the fact that while I think everyone who looks at me perceives me as transgender, the reality is that many do not.  Take the woman at CostCo during this outing.  She was busy with the carts and helping the cashier to make sure she rang up everything.  My wife and I began chatting with the cashier and I swear I saw this woman do several double takes at me.  She clearly could not match the voice she heard with the image she saw.  It was funny and Jules and I laughed about it afterwards.

Hmmm..........   maybe I am wrong in thinking people perceive me as transgender.  Maybe they think I am just a buff chick.  Maybe when you sufficiently act the way you are presenting, maybe people don't really pay much attention to you.

Possibly this summer, once the temps reach triple digits I will attempt to forgo the wig on some outings and see how things go.  I do have some super cute hats I could wear.  Hmmm.... will I be brave enough to face the world fully dressed as a woman, but without the wig?????

Possibly!!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Seriously people, are you trying to love yourself?

Are you trying to provide for your own needs?

Are you trying to prove how much you love yourself by providing for those that you love?

Hmmmm???????

Friday Kittens

Well last Friday I had a suggestion that I make Friday kittens a thing on my blog.  While I am not making any promises about the future, I considered the idea and was able to throw something together for today.

Featured up top is an attempt by Jules to get a family portrait!  Ha!  Good luck honey!  Of course the chill one, the model kitty, Obi Wan, who used to be Ichi, is just sitting there saying "hey guys, relax, lets get our picture taken."

Another attempt at the family photo.  Whose facing the camera again?  That's right, the model kitten, Obi Wan.  Everybody else is oblivious to the camera except for wanting that annoying flashing thing to leave them alone!

Here is a great shot of Gordo looking completely stunned.  He is so big.  Way bigger than all of the rest of them.  He is also super fluffy.  Currently we suspect he is going to be a long haired cat.

Here we have Puddin about to attack Gordo.  Being black cats they are a difficult pair to good photos of.  

This guys name used to be Yon, but recently we have switched it to Luke.  Yes, Luke Skywalker.  Well, we had Obi Wan, so of course we needed Luke right?  We are such nerds!  Ha!

So here is a reason that Obi Wan got his name, look at him just sittin there chillin!  He found himself a little nook and thought he'd just set a spell and check out what's happenin in the kitchen!

Well, I think I referred to everyone today as male, huh?  Maybe.  But honestly we still don't know any of their bits.  Occasionally we will look, make a guess, and then shrug our shoulders.  Is it any surprise that we are not all that concerned about it?

I think it will be funny if Obi Wan and Luke end up being female.  They will totally keep their names; I mean why not right?

Okay!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love, Love!

Black & White & A Bit of Pink

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar

Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar

Belt - White House Black Market - Similar

Booties - Madden Girl - Similar

Have I ever mentioned how much I like black and white?  Uhhhhh..... yeah, pretty sure I have mentioned it like all of the time.  Okay, but have I mentioned how much I like black and white with just a small amount of color?  Well, I do, a lot!  I think the thing is that I don't dislike color.  I actually really like colors, just not all that much on me.  I so believe that black and white is such a timeless look, but when the black and white has a small bit of color, it is just fabu!  Like the best of both worlds!  Black and white, and cute colors also!  

Maybe you can see the pink a bit better in this photo.  

Jules and I went to the movies today.  We saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.  We both really enjoyed the show.  Funny, but it was more than a bit emotional for the two of us.  How a Marvel movie ended up making both of us cry I'm not really sure.  But it did.  Possibly because Jules and I are both adopted and this movie had quite a bit of family references in it.  Hmm....

Can you tell that I really liked this outfit today?  I loved it from the moment that I put it on.  I was all like yes!  This outfit is the bomb!  White House Black Market clothing is oh so comfortable!  The top and leggings are both super soft and just yummy feeling!

Have I ever mentioned that before?  My absolute love of good texture in my clothing?  Possibly that is why I am so into black and white, as the colors are almost irrelevant for me.  The feeling of the clothes under my fingers is oh so pleasing!

Alrighty.....  love you!

Love yourself!

Love black and white!

Love good textures!

Kitten Update #2

Our kittens are doing quite well and are so super cute!  I think they are actually getting cuter each and every day!  Can it be?  Possibly.

The above photo is Ichi.  She was born first.  Well in reality we don't know what the gender is of any of the kittens as of yet.  Would gender be the right term for a cat?  Do cats have gender?  Maybe for cats it is just about genitals.  What genitals do my kittens have?  I don't know!

This is our big puppy Indy and the mother cat Luna.  Hiding under the table is Gordo.  Is that bad?  He's really fluffy?  Are we fat shaming our kitten?

This is our older dog Buddy, taking a sniff and giving a shove onto Yon.  We initially named all of the kittens by birth order with Japanese numbers.  San and Ni have so far found replacement names, but not so for Ichi and Yon.

I have decided that Ichi is the model of the group.  I mean seriously, look at that photo!

Oh and how about this one?  They are such the ham!  Is that a better gender reference?  Actually in real life I go back and forth between calling them either male or female pronouns.  I laugh about it!

Yon was initially all white.  She is the one in the photo at the top as well.  When you compare the two you can totally see that she is slowly developing dark patches; so cute!!  

The protective mother with Gordo.

This is Puddin trying to figure out what that great big thing is.

Okay.

That's it.

Love you!

Love kittens!!