In the Closet and In a Wedding??

You may remember that recently my friend Dana and I began a podcast.  We have been having lots of fun recording it, and sharing out bit of weirdness with the world.  We recently received a great question from a listener.  I was emailing her back today and thought, hey, maybe I should share this with a larger community to try and get more opinions.  So I'd encourage you to reach out and give me your thoughts.

Hello!

My name is J, and I'm a hetero cis woman who absolutely loves you two. Your podcast is wonderful and I truly enjoy listening to your conversations. 

A little background on why I'm asking this question, I live in a very conservative area of the Midwest and there is not a lot of exposure for the trans community here. My former roommate and current best friend is a trans woman but due to our environment and personal struggles, she has not been able to openly present herself as a woman to society. I'm the only girl friend that she really is herself with and since we're so close, we both really want her to be involved in my wedding this fall as a bridesmaid. So here's my question: what advice would you have for us to help make her feel more comfortable being in front of a large group of my friends and family in a dress when she struggles with her body dysmorphia and fear of being vulnerable in public? 

Thank you so much for sharing your friendship and closeness with your listeners, I hope to hear back from you!

J

Thanks so much for writing to Dana and I, and for listening to our podcast.  You are super kind and sweet with your compliments towards us, so thanks for that.  In regards to your friend, wow, you are super sweet for wanting her in your wedding!  That is so nice of you to put yourself out there to help her! So cool!  

Dana and I will be recording again late this next week and we will for sure discuss this.  Dana has lots of experience in speaking with many trans individuals and I'm sure she has her own thoughts on this matter.  Being as it may be at least a couple of weeks for our discussion to make it live on our podcast I wanted to try and write to you personally now and attempt an answer to your question.  

To that end - in general, in order to become more comfortable being in front of people dressed as oneself, your friend would need to begin doing it now.  Over time, comfort, joy, and relaxation can come about.  I personally began by going to the movies, museums, and other locations where no one knew me.  I was also super fortunate to have my wife by my side most of the time.  I would encourage you and your friend to get out together and begin exploring if the realities of doing such a thing is what both of you actually want.

For me, when I was fully in the closet, the idea of being a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding would have been amazing!  It still is actually! But when I was closeted, actually being that bridesmaid was a minefield of terrifying unknowns.  How would I actually look in a woman's dress?  Would it work with my body?  Would anyone who saw me ever really take me for a woman? What if someone I knew saw me?  What if my family found out?  What if my work found out?  What if people got mad at me?  What if people tried to hurt me?  Would dressing as a woman at my friend's wedding take away somehow from her day?  

The reality is, I would have never felt comfortable in actually being in that wedding until I had transitioned, or at least had come out to my circle of humans.  There would have been a terrific desire to do it, and an extreme sadness if I didn't, but I would never have felt comfortable doing that while I was closeted.

There may have been some things that have helped me to feel more comfortable though.  As you stated in regards to your friend, she has two main issues, 1 - body image concerns, and 2 - social concerns.

For issue number one, body image, that can be combated in a few different ways.  The first way that I dealt with my own body insecurities was learning how to dress it.  Clothes come in many different cuts, fabrics, styles, etc.  By trying on vast amounts of different clothes one can eventually find something that actually looks good.  I have found this to be true, regardless of one's personal body "type."  Thus for a wedding, the right bridesmaid dress can make all of the difference.  Many AMAB (assigned male at birth) humans have wider shoulders, thus a dress that shows more shoulders is often not flattering on their bodies, for example.

Another helpful tactic is realizing the vast variations that exist in bodies.  Not every AFAB (assigned female at birth) human has shoulders and hips at the same width.  Not every AFAB has greats breasts that show their decolletage.  Not every AFAB looks undeniably like an AFAB.  Variations happen, and are totally natural and expected.  Not everyone looks like that standard female image that media tosses in our face on a regular basis.

My personal body image issues have also been helped by working with my therapist for the past two years and bugging her constantly about the evil voices in my head that try and convince me that I will never be seen as anything but an AMAB desperately trying to pass as an AFAB.  In addition to talking to her about my own body image issues, I have tried to talk to many other people about it.  I have spoken to college classes about it, my wife extensively, my sister, my coworkers, my friends, and total strangers!  I believe that insecurities are wounded by being brought into the open, and that they thrive in the darkness of our minds.

Another small, but powerful, thing I have done to help with my body image issues is to take a large number of pictures of myself.  This may seem counter-intuitive as humans with body image issues tend to not like their images at all.  But, over time, with lots of practice, and learning about the medium of photography, I have been able to see myself in a totally different way.

Lastly, the largest thing I have done to help with my body image issues, is to have changed my hormones.  That has helped the most as that has actually changed my body to be better aligned with what my brain thinks my body should look like.  Thus I am beginning to feel like me, and not like I am playing a version of me.

 Okay, so, for issue number two - social concerns, I have a harder time in coming up with more options.  The first, and by far the easiest, is to dress in one's preferred presentation and go to locations where it is all but assured that you won't see anyone who knows you.  That limits the potential side effects of your entire world discovering your secret.  But it also allows one to begin to interact with other human beings while dressed in a manner one is not familiar with.

Another option to transgender people is to come out of the closet.  It does not mean one has to transition.  People can open up about their gender variance even when they are not sure what it may mean.  I came out to my sister as a transvestite about fifteen years ago.  A few years after that, I came out to some friends and described myself as a cross dresser.  After that, I came out to some other friends as gender non-conforming and non-binary.  It was not until a few years later that I began telling people I am a transgender woman.  Anywho..... when you begin to open up, and come out of the closet, it helps to ease the social pressures.

Coming out is not an easily undertaken event.  It takes large amounts of bravery, and support.  It can lead to horrible rejection and large amounts of ignorance.  But, it can also lead to freedom.  The freedom to actually be able to be oneself, in front of anybody, and everybody.  It can lead to a deep sense of closeness and belonging within a community that most transgender people have never felt.

In short, I don't know of anything that can guarantee your friend will be able to be in your wedding and be totally comfortable, however, there are lots of things they could begin to do that would allow them to be in your wedding and feel more comfortable about it.

I hope that in some small way my words will help you and your friend.  You truly are an awesome human being and a fantastic friend.  Thank you so much for being so kind and caring to others.  Your friend is very fortunate to have you in their lives.

Thank you!!!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love others!

Photo Credits:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/ndphotog/5249048185/
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bridesmaids.jpg
https://www.flickr.com/photos/micadew/5917572890
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bride_and_Bridesmaids.jpg
https://www.flickr.com/photos/44522791@N00/15721070587
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:1bridesmaids_crop.jpg

An Update on Counseling

Well well well.  It was what a couple of weeks ago when I explained why I was seeking out counseling for my gender variance?  I think, hmm.... let's check.  Yup here it is.

It took a bit of time but I got setup with someone who I thought was good.  But things took a turn that I did not want it to.  She wanted to work on CBT (look it up) for some inner critical voices.  I let her know that I wanted to work on my initial issue, finding a doctor to help with my medications, and then I could work on my inner criticisms.  Her response was to tell me to get an appointment with my General Practitioner.

Honestly that concerned the heck out of me.  I've tried talking to my GP and it did not go well.  That is partly why I was trying to find a counselor who could help me with this crap!  So.... anywho here is an updated letter that I wrote to my current counselor.

I think I ripped her a bit much.  C'est la vie.

Well let's see.... I have attempted contact with my GP, but my GP is not returning my phone call.  What advice could you give me about how to receive appropriate medical care in my situation?

It is questions like this that prompted me to seek out transgender counseling in the first place.  When I joined BetterHelp, it was due to the results I achieved via Google Search touting the benefits of BetterHelp and the counseling services provided specifically to transgender clients.

It is unfortunate that after leaving a detailed introduction, a survey that clearly indicated a lack of distress and problems in my life, that I was initially matched with a generic counselor.  Fortunately that counselor recognized that I needed to see somebody with specific experience with someone who is considering hormone replacement therapy, the options that are available to medically assist me, as well as how to go about achieving that care in my geographic area.  

I attempted again to write a statement that showed just what I felt I was in need of.  At which point I was matched up with you.  I read your bio and your initial messages and felt that it was at least worth a try to see if this could assist me with my concerns as stated. 

While I do believe you to be an excellent generic counselor, who has an ability to hone in on areas of concern, I do not see you as an appropriate counselor for someone in my specific position.  My specific needs require the expertise of somebody intimately familiar with transgender concerns.

Thus, while I did take your advice, I have not heard back from my GP regarding them even being willing to make an appointment to discuss with me the possibility of helping me find someone who can help me figure out what sorts of options I have.  This is unfortunately all too common, and is a serious issue for transgender humans.  Fortunately when Better Help and this counseling was proving to not  provide me with me much assistance in this area, I found a regional transgender support group that I didn't even know existed.  

Fortunately this newly formed local association (within the last year,) was able to provide me with the resources I need.  Namely, some GPs who are familiar with transgender patients, some specialists who are familiar with hormone replacement therapy, oh and a WPATH counselor.  True, these resources are about 75+ miles away from me, and about a 1-4 month wait to get in to see some of them, but it appears at this time to be the most appropriate option for me.  My first reply from this transgender WPATH counselor proved to me, that even though I will need to wait to get in to see her, it will be well worth my time.  

So to you, thank you for inadvertently clarifying for me how important it is for transgender clients to find specialists that are familiar with our needs.  This will conclude my communications here.  I would say that it is unfortunate that this was a $260 lesson for me.  But such is life huh?  

Best of luck to you in the future!

Sometimes Being Out Is a Responsibility I Don't Want

Is it easy to be out or in the closet?  I think this is something that many of us part timers ponder.  I mean if you are facing certain transition, then the question is moot.  You're not going to transition to the other gender entirely and spend your time sitting in a closet all by yourself.  Life couldn't possibly get done that way.

For those who are just an occasional cross dresser, then again, I think the question is easily enough answered, you can stay in the closet, and who is to be any the wiser?  I mean many cross dressers simply throw on a few bits of girliness, have a few kicks while sitting in the privacy of their own home, and why should they tell anyone and everyone, that they enjoy that?  Many crossdressers will state that life is far easier without anybody knowing, even if that includes their own spouse.  Who am I to say that is wrong of them to do?  Nobody.  I am nobody to say that their choice to remain hidden is wrong.

But now me, how about me and how I choose to live my life?  I don't see myself as your average ordinary crossdresser, in fact I think of myself less and less as a crossdresser as time passses.  What do I think of myself as?  Transgender probably best, and easily, sums it up.  But, do not mistake me, I have no intentions of transition to the other gender.  I may continue slowly meandering towards more of middle path, but that is not the point of this post.

The point of this post is the reality of being transgender, and being out.  By being out, what I mean, is that I live my life, all of it, my personal life, my family life, my friend life, my work life, LIFE!!! as an openly transgender person.  I do not always state it.  I don't carry around a large blinking neon sign, proudly claiming my TRANSGENDER status.  But I do me, openly, and freely, for anyone looking, for anyone that cares to see, and to anyone who cares to ask.

Recently at work, a coworker made me pretty uncomfortable.  He has commented before about the things I choose to wear, like my painted nails, my iPad case, my choice in clothing, specifically socks and shoes.  It has all been fairly innocent and friendly.  But recently, it crossed the line.  He came into a common worker area and stated quite loudly, "hey man, you and your choice of shoes and socks, just throws me."  Or something to that effect, after which he began laughing quite loudly and walked up to another staff member, shoved him in the shoulder and said "hey man, did you get a load of this guy's socks and shoes, and mean really."  And continued to laugh and encourage the other staff member to do so as well.  The other guy sort of looked at the first guy as though he was crazy.

So..... while I choose to not be open about the profession I am in, I will say, it is a HIGHLY protected one.  One where we are mandated to have training on harassment.  And the guy who was harassing me, guess what one of his roles is?  Union representative.  Uh yeah, so that just happened.

Which of course led to me sitting in the Human Resources Director's office today discussing that I consider myself to be transgender, and relaying what this colleague did.  He informed me that it would be handled appropriately and that it should not ever happen and that if it continues to, that further disciplinary action will result.  I thanked him for his time and left.

But afterwards, I felt down about it.  I suppose I felt down because there are times when I don't want this responsibility.  What I really want is to be able to do my job and live my life without the fear of ridicule from others.  Which is exactly why I HAD to go to HR and report the situation.  I HAD to go and tell them, openly, and frankly, that I am transgender, and YES this coworker made me feel uncomfortable and it is beginning  to be closer to border on harassment.

Heavy.

I wish people could understand others better.  I knew I had to go to HR, I didn't want to.  But I HAD to.  I know that I am strong enough to do it, even though I didn't want to.  But I knew I HAD to, for all of you out there who are not strong enough.  For all of you who want to be out of the closet but are afraid because of the potential of ridicule.

But sometimes it is a responsibility that I don't want.

What is that Spider Man line?  With great power come great responsibility.  Geesh, I don't even have mediocre power let alone great power.  But still, I've got the responsibility.

As of late, I have had some TS people kind of dismissing me because I suppose I am not trans enough.  Hmmm..... trans enough yet people?

Love you!

Love and hate responsibility.

photos:
http://thebluediamondgallery.com/r/responsibility.html
https://pixabay.com/en/human-resources-hr-management-1181577/
https://pixabay.com/en/closet-dresser-furniture-wardrobe-764792/

Just As Transgender As Me

This past weekend I went away for a retreat for one of the many jobs that I do.  It was a gathering of a bunch of us that have been contracted to be a coach to others in our profession.  (BTW - I SO wish I felt comfortable enough letting everyone know exactly what field I am employed in, but alas, with being transgender one needs to be cautious about how much info we spill onto the net.  Bummer!!)

Anywho...... what is important is that with this particular company I have been employed for several years and I have gotten to know to know the developers quite well.  We are a friendly bunch who work well with each other and after a long day of working we tend to gather in the hotel lobby and sit around and mash ideas together over a few glasses of wine.  All in all, even though it is work, it is quite enjoyable.

Again, anywho..... while sitting in the conference room listening to the presenters, collaborating with colleagues, creating posters and reporting out our understandings, I realized I was in the room with another transgender individual.  

While I was dressed in my female converse, female jeans, female undershirt, male t-shirt, nails painted, female styled jewelry (you know, my usual get-up!) I was staring at a woman dressed in male shoes, male jeans, male shirt, masculine jewelry, and a general masculine appearance.  This was in stark contrast to the many MtF cross dressers who claim that women cross dress by wearing jeans, and then other cross dressers who state, that no women do not cross dress by wearing jeans.  Why?  Their jeans are cut for them, styled for a female body. 

Well hah!  My jeans were super tight, forming quite nicely to my legs, and her jeans were sagging halfway down her butt.  My jeans were clearly female jeans and her jeans were clearly male jeans.  This person was not simply dressing in male appearing attire, they were clearly wearing article purchased in the male department.

I kind of wish that I could have taken a picture of her.  You know what would have been far better?  Getting a picture of the two of us together.  Two transgender individuals, both going the opposite directions, standing together, being a part of this super professional setting, happily working, getting respect, and being treated as human beings regardless of how we choose to dress.

How cool.  

Very cool.

Love you!

Love yourself!

image from:

http://irina1492.deviantart.com/art/LGBT-symbols-302519253

https://pixabay.com/en/women-men-people-human-gender-149577/

How Happy - How Sad

The very first time Jules and I took our picture with me dressed as a woman was about 10 years ago.  That particular day she and I decided to have a private wedding ceremony where we unofficially remarried each other while I was dressed as a woman.  That photo is the one pictured above.  And I officially do NOT like that photo.  I love what happened on that day, but wow, do I dislike the photos.  None of those photos were going to be shown to anyone anyhow.

The next photo of Jules and I was done purposefully for publication on this site:

Now this photo, I think, is super cute!  But.... the thing I don't like about it is..... that is not Jules.  Well, it is Jules, but it is Jules in disguise.  Why in disguise?  Well, that is the sad part of this tale - unfortunately Jules and I have felt an impressive need to remain anonymous, while still trying to share a bit of our lives.

So when Jules decided to join the blog-o-sphere, she did so while disguising her appearance.  Here is the shot she originally put up on her profile page:

This shot was done on purpose, to hopefully disguise her a bit to make her less recognizable to anybody that matters.  It was funny as recently somebody commented on it, that she was looking away from the camera in sort of a shy demure way and that she has changed from that person and so she should change her photo.  Well...... what she didn't say, but I will, is that it was done on purpose.  She didn't capture a moment in her life that emoted her personality, nope it was done for protection.  Protection from what?  From potential backlash, because if you haven't noticed, I am transgender, and some people on this planet find that to be offensive.  Ha!  Ignorance is stunning, and sometimes mean.

It is actually pretty sad to me, that because I choose to dress as a woman, I need to hide my true identity.  While I have been blogging for many years, and have kept my true identity private, I think it sucks that I feel the need to do so.  Why can't I be open?  Why can't I live in relative safety of not being totally fucked over if my true identity were to be discovered?

I think partially in response to these feelings, I decided awhile ago to begin to slowly come out to those around me.  I started telling family, and then friends, and work associates and my employer.  I was quite aware of those events, but maybe I wasn't entirely aware of Jules' response.

While she was unsure of my decision to begin sharing who I really am with others, somewhere along the way, maybe she didn't even realize it, she made a choice to come out as well.  And low and behold, our pictures changed as well:

So..... while I do still feel the need to not publish my identifying info on my blog, I am much less worried about what might happen if I am discovered.  Because really, who is left that matters?  Not really much of anyone.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love, love, love!!! (oh, but not that picture at the top of this post!  Yuck, yuck, yuck! LOL!!)

Gender Fluid? Gender Phooey!

Frequently when I attempt to discuss my gender with others, they will say, 'oh, well you are gender fluid.'   As of late, it has been occurring so much, that when I hear it, I throw up a little in my mouth.  Okay, well that just may be a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously, I am a bit sick of people telling me that I am gender fluid.

Do you know what gender fluid means people?  Let's take a look at this definition:
Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances.
(Taken from: http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Gender_Fluid )

In response to this outpouring of "Nadine is gender fluid" folks, I created the above graphic.  My gender identity never changes, thus instead of referencing me as gender fluid, it would be far more accurate if you referenced my gender as gender static.  While my presentation fluctuates, my identity never changes.

After making this graphic, I realized that it may also help to explain my gender variance to those people in my life that have said "Oh, well you are eventually going to transition," and those who have said "Oh, so you have no gender issues, and you see yourself as a male, and really this is all just about the pretty clothes for you."

See folks, here is my biggest difficulty in discussing my gender with many people, the vast majority of the world is perfectly fine, and accepting of the idea of a gender binary.  People are either male or female.  And when trying to explain to someone how I don't feel male, they think, oh well then you are female.  And when trying to explain to someone how I don't feel female, they think, oh well then you are male.  Why?  Because their concept of gender has only two positions, you are either male or you are female.  There are no other options.

I understand this stuff coming from cisgender folk, but it has confused the hell out of me when it comes from other transgender people.  But the reality is that a large number of the transgender community is also perfectly fine with the gender binary.  For example those who transition from one gender to the other, guess what??  Yup, gender binary.

Me?  To understand me, you have to accept that there can be genders that exist outside of the gender binary.  Sometimes I feel like how Galileo must have felt talking with people, saying, the Earth rotates around the sun.  It is reality, all you need to do is accept it.

Accept it people.

Love you!

Cutting Off My Hair Made Me A Cross Dresser!

No seriously, I really think that it did.  I know, I have discussed a variety of different theories before as to why I am a cross dresser, but really more as of a joke than anything else.  Why do I have gender variances? I believe sincerely that I was born this way.

I do not think that anything that I have experienced in this world has made me into someone who has gender variances.  I do not have a fully developed rational for explaining how or why I was born the way that I was, but nonetheless when I came out of the womb, the die was cast and why I enjoy what I enjoy was set.

Now, don't get me wrong.... while I do think that we are born this way, if one were to choose to fight against their natural inclinations then I think that we as humans are strong enough to allow our free will to determine our existence.  Meaning, even though I think I was born this way, not even that forces me to be this way.  I choose to be this way and I choose to follow my natural inclinations as I do not think there is anything wrong with having been born this way.

Okay... wow.... what an intro.... just to be able to discuss why I think I am a cross dresser.  Too many things need to be prefaced nowadays so that folk don't just automatically jump all over you and cry FOUL!  Whatevs!

Back onto the hair theory......  I am a cross dresser because I cut off my hair.  Many other cross dressers have been so for as long as they can remember.  Many have memories of dressing up in their mom's or sister's clothes when they were super young, but me?  I don't have those memories.  The earliest memory that I have of consciously choosing to wear the other gender's clothing was when I was about 13 or 14 and I took my sister's Guess jean jacket and wore it to middle school.  That was the earliest and even then, it took another 8-10 years for me to actively begin wearing female clothes.

Oh sure, I have always had the gender variances.  I have always been gender non-conforming.  I loved shaving my body.  I loved wearing nail polish.  I loved female jewelry.  Lots of little things like that have been evidenced throughout my entire life, just not the clothing.

Until around the time that I cut off my hair.  Some time around my first or second year of high school I decided to start growing my hair out.  Thus around my third year of high school I had glorious long blond hair, that I loved!  I really did.  I absolutely loved it!  I also loved how folks would often be confused as to what gender I was, when they viewed me from behind.

And so it went.  For many, many years, I had lovely, super awesome, glorious long blond hair!  And it was with great sadness that during the second half of my college time I noticed that my hairline was slowly receding.  Back and back it crawled.  Ever so slowly, ever so insistently, it went back and back, making it clearly evident that I was heading down the path to baldness.

It got to the point that a year after I graduated I realized that I was fighting a loosing battle and my once glorious hair was now looking like I was holding onto some long lost dream.  What was once my crowning glory had now become a sad state of affairs.

With great reluctance and sadness I cut my hair to a reasonable length.  It stayed that way for a year or two before I finally understood that the only way to have my hair look nice again was to shave it off entirely.  Well, okay, not shave, but clip it off entirely.

And while I cannot pinpoint the exact time of me choosing to begin wearing women's clothing, it was sometime around this same time period.  Coincidental?  Possibly.  But the more I think about it the more I realize that I grew my hair out as an expression of my gender and when I cut it off, I lost that very visible, very public expression, and it saddened me greatly.

So.... my theory..... having long hair, which made me appear more feminine.... helped to satiate the desire to appear more feminine in public.... and once that was gone.... I needed a replacement.

So..... um..... yeah..... cutting off my hair made me a cross dresser!

Funny huh?

photos:
https://pixabay.com/en/hair-blond-long-hair-wind-close-958257/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/kelspigpen/5364559113
https://www.flickr.com/photos/postmemes/19678722398
https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovemaegan/6889668384

Comfort!

Undershirt - Next Level

Jeans - Levi - Denizen

Shoes - Converse - Similar

Since I am on a comfort kick lately I thought I would share with you a picture of what I am wearing at this very moment and this is, to me, ultimate comfort! I know, I know, it is a totally horribly crappy photo.  But I decided to take it while I actually am at work, and the only viable location to do so was in a restroom with the only full length mirror available.

Why is this outfit so comfy?  Well, except for my work uniform polo, everything else is female clothing.  It is not blatantly so, but I know it, and that is enough.  And these jeans are so super comfy.  They are possibly the comfiest pair of jeans that I own.  They are a little tight in the thighs, but since they are made of stretchy fabric they are still super comfy.  As well, they are female jeans, but not overly fem.  When I asked Jules what she thought about me wearing them to work, she said "well they are a bit tighter than your normal jeans, but the only way I can tell they are female jeans is that I can actually see your butt."

Which I thought was pretty darn funny!  Considering that my work polo is so long, it covers much of my butt anyway, so who would really know!  And besides, who really cares!  Not me!

And this is actually the second time this week I have worn such an outfit to my job.  And do you know what happened?  Nothing!  Nothing happened, except for that I wore comfortable clothing, and I felt comfortable in my presentation.  Yay!  Good for me!

Now all I need are gender neutral pronouns that everyone else understands then I could be referenced that way and I wouldn't feel weird with folks referring to me as he or she and all would be right with the world for me!

Thanks to everyone for the wonderfully supportive comments and thoughts to my previous post.  It really is not that disruptive to my life, I just want folks to understand that my life is not this peachy, easy, lucky, simple little life where everything is awesome!  So thanks everyone!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Outside the Binary

 It is so strange existing outside of the gender binary and yet it is the only thing I have ever known.  I frequently wonder what life must be like for those that exist within that system.  Well, I can only assume that life itself is probably essentially the same exact life that I live, only I don't think that most people wonder if they are actually male or female.

Most of my life I present as a male, and I have the obvious physical body of a male but I frequently do many things that most other males give me that strange questioning look for.  And I often feel as though I am deceiving people by presenting as a male.  That somehow because of my likes and dislikes I have disqualified myself from male-hood.  

Which makes me think that maybe I should live my life as a woman.  I already go out frequently dressed as a woman.  Heck I got to spend the last three days as a woman.  Even when I was on my morning walk, fully dressed as a woman except for wearing a beanie instead of my wig, people I encountered treated me as though I was in fact a woman.  Which was quite cool actually.

But the problem was that I was still not all that comfortable.  I have read many a post from other cross dressers who state that when they dress as a man they feel as though they are not presenting as their true selves.  And then how when they dress as a woman, it is so freeing and wonderful and awesome that they can finally present as they really are.

And me?  I never really feel very comfortable at all.  I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a male and I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a female.  Where exactly is my comfort level?  Somewhere in the middle.  That is really where I do feel the most comfortable.  Presenting as a mix of gender, which is how I truly see myself, is what I am most comfortable with.

But that is so hard for others to understand.  Wanting to be male, yeah, I get'cha, wanting to be female, yeah, I get'cha.  Wanting to be a mix between the two, yeah, I have no idea what you mean.  I really wonder if those that exist within the binary really understand how gendered our society is.  I notice it everyday.  Every time I listen to music.  Every time I watch TV.  And just about every time I speak with anyone for any real length of time.  Our society is not just centered around a binary gender, the world is.

Too bad that some of us don't fit into the expectations.

Love yourself.

Regardless of your gender.

The Slippery Slope

It has often been said that what the difference is between a cross dresser and a transsexual, is about two years.  Ba-dum-ch!!!

What a fabulous joke huh?  Well not so much for the spouse of a cross dresser who is wondering where this newly discovered obsession is going to go.  This often brings up this idea that there is this slide from occasional pantie wearing that progresses to dressing up fully, and then going out in public, and eventually ending up with full blown transition.

From my estimation there are many, many problems with this theory.  Not the least of which is that often a spouse is not told of a cross dressers proclivities until later in the relationship.  So while to the spouse it appears as though this cross dressing obsession is a new thing, frequently it has been a  life long thing that has been hidden away or has been repressed.

That was my short little introduction on my thoughts on this idea of a slide to transition and I think it is important to state that before I say that I am coming to the realization that I am way more towards the transsexual side of the spectrum than I ever realized.  But I really hope that anyone out there in the blog-o-sphere that is reading this can understand that there was not ever a progression that led to me becoming transsexual.

This has really been a dawning realization that this is who I have always been.

I never really put together some things before.  Like the vast amount of envy that I have always had over the female body.  Like the fact that no matter how much I diet, or workout, or perform yoga, I have never liked my own body.  (Which is ridiculous btw - I am 5'9" and 152 lbs and can fit into size 4-6 skirts.)  How about that I was upset that I developed more male characteristics during puberty?  Or that I have never liked my friend between my legs.  This list can go on....

When I list it out, it appears much more obvious.  I would think that when reading this that maybe one might think, 'um gee isn't it obvious?'  Um... yeah.... maybe now it is obvious, but seriously along the way, I never really saw it.  It honestly is something that is just becoming a conscious thought.  But it has always been there.  It is not something that has developed.  The only thing that has changed at all, is simply my ability to put the pieces together and understand what picture the puzzle pieces created.

Does it mean that I will pursue transition?

Nope.

Because I really understand that I can handle how I currently live.

And I understand that transition would never be enough.

It would never be enough, because I don't want to be a male that transitions to living as a female.

To be a female, a born with the body of a female, female, is what I want.

Big thoughts.

Love you.

Think big.




Photo Credits:
"Slope of log-log plot" by Brews ohare - Own work. 
https://pixabay.com/en/slide-sliding-falling-stickman-151861/
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Playground_slide_close-up.jpg

Random Acts of Kindness

When I first started wanting to go out while dressed as a woman, Jules and I were both pretty afraid of something bad happening to me.  I had spent many, many, many! years hiding who I am and what I liked to do.  For about 10-15 years the only person that knew about my gender variances was my wife.  We were both terrified of anyone finding out.

Eventually I shoved myself out the front door and somehow managed to start getting out in public.  And in so doing, my entire view of humanity has changed.  I have only had a small number of minor rudeness incidents from a few people as the worst that has ever happened.

I am no fool in thinking that nothing could ever happen, so I stay alert and aware of my surrounding and other's around me.  But the amount of kindness I have received from friends, family, and strangers has been overwhelming.  And I often feel that if ever anything bad should happen, the percentage of kindness I have been shown would barely be impacted.

A few of the more recent acts of kindness that I think deserve a mention here:

1 - Jules and I were in the drive-thru at McDonald's.  We ordered our food and began waiting in the line of cars to pay.  Nothing extra ordinary was going on.  We were just sitting and chatting.  When we got up to the window the cashier told us that we owed nothing as the guy in front of us thought we were cute and wanted to pay for our breakfast.

We were quite startled but still very appreciative of the generosity of the guy.  We waved thanks to him, and he waved back.  (Out of my paranoia I kept my eye on him and watched where he drove to, and he did the crazy thing of pulling out into the street and just driving away.)  Wow, someone just being nice, again!

2 - I visited my favorite mall recently up in Livermore, CA and of course went into the Guess store.  Every single time I have been there a super nice sales associate has remembered me.  And she is so nice, and sweet.  I wrote about her awhile back and I don't know if I can locate that post.  She saw me, dressed as a woman, and trying on male pants.  She came over and let me know that those pants did absolutely nothing for me.  It took about five minutes of explaining to her about my gender before she understood that I was not a girl and that I buy clothes from both sides of the store.  At that time, and ever since, she has been so sweet!

3 - Jules and I went to Trader Joe's the other day.  We normally buy cheese and flowers.  I love the cheese, and Jules and I both love the flowers.  Anyway... we normally bring a reusable bag but had forgot it.  While checking out, Jules and I were discussing this situation, with the cashier overhearing.  I told her that I would just put the cheese into my purse.  I grabbed the cheese, stuck it into my purse and said "It's a cheesy purse!"  Too which the cashier busted up laughing and said that line was just too funny.

Just three small things from total strangers, and they are very representative of how my life has been.  But completely opposite of what I thought it would be like if I ever let anyone into my hidden little world.

I still think that by hiding I was condemning people without ever actually giving them a chance to prove to me what they will really do.  And by me stepping up, and truly being concerned with myself instead of others, I have been able to see such a beautiful side to humanity.

Maybe I am just lucky.

Maybe people respond positively when faced with confidence.

Love yourself and spread the love to others!



Photos:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:My_philosophy_is_kindness._(14277210808).jpg
https://www.sketchport.com/drawing/6133198098530304/kindness
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/7788815308
https://www.flickr.com/photos/celestinechua/10506624674