The Writing is on the Wall

Well, no, not actually.  Really the writing is on the label on the lid. 

A year and half ago or so I realized that I was going to legally transition and most likely end up fully transitioning.  It was sometime around then that I realized it was time to start working on my handwriting again. 

It's interesting to see what transgender people end up not liking about themselves.  For many of us it is obviously body parts that we don't like.  That is probably not something that even really needs to be mentioned.  Gender confirmation surgery kind of confirms that many trans people have a very hard time existing with bits that they don't identify with.  But, sometimes there are other things besides body parts that bring about grief. 

Maybe surprisingly, my handwriting is something that I have always hated due to my perception that it has always been extremely male.  Male handwriting you ask?  Yes, male handwriting.  I understand that it may appear to be weird to think of handwriting as exuding a gender, but it does.  Well, maybe it itself does not, but we as a society interpret handwriting as having gendered characteristics.  Do many men place little hearts as dots above letters such as i?  No, most do not.

My personal issues with my handwriting began very early in my life.  My mother would describe my handwriting as chicken-scratch.  Which is apparently a very common way to criticize handwriting.  Anywho, possibly more damaging were various teachers who would examine my handwriting and then calmly explain that it was clearly not something I could do, because I was born as a male.  Having been born with a male identified body, meant that while I had good gross motor skills, my body lacked the appropriate muscles to perform fine motor skill tasks well.  Thus when I went home, I was not really motivated to practice my handwriting. 

My issues with my handwriting began before I was ever told that it was something I would never be able to do well.  It was simple, I never actually practiced.  Yup, that simple.  Handwriting is an art form that I never cared about.  I was lost, confused, and alone.  My household was a classic 80s dysfunctional mess.  Practicing my handwriting was not high on my priority list.  Hell it wasn't on my list at all. 

When I began teaching and seeing massive amounts of other human beings handwriting that I began to finally understand that people's gender was irrelevant to the quality of their handwriting.  Actually what I noticed was that people who practiced more had better handwriting.  So practice was the key.  And occasionally I did practice.  But they were all really half-hearted attempts.

It wasn't until I chose to transition that I began to attack this problem in earnest.  The first thing I had to learn was a new signature.  That was weird, but cool. I super enjoyed creating a new signature.  What has been harder is learning the intricacies of this art form, such as letter spacing, letter size, slant, staying on the line, and going from line to line.  All those little lovely pieces of things that combine together to create good looking handwriting. 

I'm not done.  I think I am somewhere in the middle.  I have improved, but I have improvements that can still come about.  With time, effort, practice, determination, and persistence, I know that I can get it to be what I want it to be. 

Sometimes to change all that is needed is practice.  Not a medication, not cognitive behavioral therapy, not hours of pondering, not being born in the "right" body, just simple practice. 

I'm going to go continue practicing.  I know I can do this.  I know this is possible.  I believe in my ability to learn and change and grow. 

What do you believe in?

Love you!

Love yourselves!

I hope you believe in yourself.  I really do.

To Shade or Not To Shade

Apparently that is the question.  Confused?  Possibly.  Well, the other day on Insta I received the following message:

When you pose in a car, may I ask a favor? Please shed the sunglasses for the time to take a selfie. As a lesbian, I want to see your whole face.

I went back through my Insta feed and noticed that there are probably about 35 or so pictures with me with sunglasses on and about the same with them off.  So.... it is about even.  But this issue of sunglasses or no sunglasses and the public's reaction to me with them or without them has also been an issue with this blog.  A few comments that I have received over the years:

Love your cleavage and really like the picture without your sunglasses. You do have pretty eyes and a pretty face. 

I know you're reluctant to take your pictures outdoors without sunglasses, but these photos are proof positive that you certainly don't need them in the shade. They are a lovely testament to the woman within.

Its so nice to see your eyes.

I appreciate the support, I really do..... at one point I was terrified to post any photos of me on the net as I was sure that someone would be able to recognize me.  My sunglasses were my wonder woman mask that kept me safe from harm.  Eventually they became a security blanket and I became afraid to be seen without them.  Thus it was an unusual sight to see me without them, especially in photos.  I mean at one point I wouldn't even show my face here!  Yikes!

That is so craze-balls that I wouldn't even include my head in my photos.  I went back right now and checked to see when I started showing my face but I got too annoyed trying to find it, but I want to say that it took me years to show my face.  So yeah, at one point I think I needed to encouragement to show my face without my sunglasses. 

However..... have you seen my Insta feed?  As I said, there is about half and half, sunglasses and no sunglasses.  Personally, I think the internet has now seen plenty of my photos without sunglasses.  Even here, where most of my photos are with sunglasses, I try and post up one non-sunglasses photo with every outfit post.  Occasionally you will even get a close-up of my face, like when I got my lashes done. 

But even if you are a lesbian, it is not going to sway me much to post up more non-sunglasses pictures.  Why?  Well for one, I'm a lesbian also, so I am immune to other lesbian's super powers.  And for another, who am I now trying hard to dress for?  Me. 

I have spent too many of my years on this planet wearing or not wearing items due to what other people thought I should or shouldn't be wearing.  I'm kind of over that.  Wait, back up, I'm not kind of over that, I'm totally over that!  At one point I needed support to show all of who I am, but now, not so much.  Thus I am going to wear or not wear my sunglasses, depending on if I feel like wearing them.  If I think I look cute in a photo with or without sunglasses, I will share it. 

I think the difference is at one point I wore my sunglasses to hide, now, if I have them on, it's probably because it is super frickin bright, or I'm taking photos in my dirt covered driveway and I don't feel like setting my glasses down in the dirt. 

So, um, yeah!

There ya go!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love sunglasses!!!

Trans Regret & Body Autonomy

Regret is a very difficult thing to deal with, and there is great concern out there about what will happen if a transgender person may regret their decision to transition.  I first encountered this worry when I informed my friends and family that I had switched my hormones. I was actually quite surprised at how many people said to me - wow, okay, are you sure that is what you want to do? And very often that was followed up with - so, what will happen to your ability to produce testosterone if you are on estrogen for too long? Will you loose the ability to produce testosterone in the future if you change your mind?

It is almost as if they don't know me at all. And that is the rub, isn't it? Well for me it is, as it indicates that I hid myself very well. So well in fact that most people really have no idea of the life I have lived and for how long this "transgender thing" has been around. Weirdly, I didn't really understand that either.

Keeping those things in mind, I should have been better prepared for people being concerned about my upcoming surgery. If they were concerned about hormones, then they would be kind of freaked out about a surgery, right? Yeah well, I didn't really think that one through all the way. Maybe before we go any further, I should inform you what surgery I am discussing. People generally think about the surgery when trans people talk about surgery. No, it is not the surgery, however, it is right next door! Hahahaha..... I am scheduled to have an orchiectomy at the beginning of June. Don't know what that is? It is the removal of my testicles.

Why? Well, yeah, that is the question huh? Basically because since I switched my hormones it has become more and more clear that estrogen is a very important thing to me and my well being. Testicles produce testosterone. There, isn't that enough? It really should be. However, there is a bit more. I take spironolactone to prevent my body from using the testosterone that it constantly produces. That particular drug does other things to me besides the T thing. Number one would be that it makes me pee all the time. It sucks. Especially considering that I am a teacher. We don't have the ability to leave our classroom whenever we want. Number two is that it makes me dizzy and lightheaded when I stand too quickly. Besides those glorious side effects, I have unfortunately come close to not being to get my prescription. I had a pharmacy tell me they ran out and there was nothing they could do about it. Yeah, good times!

Basically I have decided to have my testicles removed so that I can have more control over my own body. Such a large, permanent change should be taken seriously, right? And I have. I kind of think that about 30+ years of pondering my gender is probably a long enough time to make a serious decision like this. The tortured days, and nights..... the endless discussions with my therapist.... the annoyingly long (all on my part) discussions with my wife....

Anywho….. I have been fielding questions from highly concerned people about what will happen if I regret my decision to remove my testicles.  It has been strange listening to these people describe their concerns about me and my body. Largely I have been pondering why so many people have been worried about my balls!  It is quite interesting that people are worried about what I will do to my own body.

Do you know what is weird? Nobody has ever said to me, congratulations. Don’t you think that is the appropriate thing to say?  What if you knew somebody who was born with a deformity that limited them in life and they have had to deal with it their entire life?  What would you say to them if they announced to you that they finally received a surgery date?  Would you ask them if they are sure that it is the right thing for them to do? Would you be worried that at some point they may regret their decision to change their body?  Would you tell them that you are excited and happy for them? I know for me, that is what I would do.


Okay, but whatever, you do know that I am NOT a man right? Oh, that's right.... I hid myself too well. So well that throughout most of this blog I have referenced myself as a man. Yeah, I am aware of that. Go ahead, take a look back through my documented history, you can see for yourself, I have referenced myself as a male for most of my history. So, maybe, possibly, I can sympathize with my friends and family who are concerned that maybe I may change my mind at some point.

What I have a harder time with are WPATH suggestions. What is WPATH? World Professional Association for Transgender Health. Yeah, I agree, exciting! Wait, there is a world-wide organization that is supporting transgender health? Well, yes and no. In many ways WPATH is accused of being a gate-keeping organization. What is gate-keeping? It is the practice of not allowing people to have autonomy over their own bodies. Meaning? Well basically it means is that unless you meet certain guidelines you will not be allowed access to that thing.

Vague? Possibly. So let's see if I can clarify a little. WPATH publishes a little something called the SOC - Standards Of Care. On it's surface this sounds as though it may be a glorious set of recommendations that the medical community needs to do for their transgender patients. That way ill informed doctors could reference it and then deliver appropriate care for their patients. And maybe some doctors use the SOC in that way, which would be fabu. However, in my limited amounts of experience, what I have seen is doctors and insurance providers using the SOC to limit access to medical care for the transgender community.

How so? The SOC include checklists that are to be used as guidelines for most things that transgender people want to do. Some of the checklists are:

Criteria for puberty-suppressing hormones (for children)
Criteria for hormone therapy
Criteria for masectomy
Criteria for breast augmentation
Criteria for hysterectomy/orchiectomy
Criteria for phalloplasty/vaginoplasty

Notice how they say "criteria?" Yeah most people do. What most people gloss over is the section of the SOC that say:

As in all previous versions of the SOC, the criteria put forth in this document for hormone therapy and surgical treatments for gender dysphoria are clinical guidelines; individual health professionals and programs may modify them.

Now, if doctors, insurers, therapists, and psychologists, actually understand the English language and can read, they would understand that these are not requirements, but guidelines. As well, people can feel free to modify them. Especially in states that have informed consent laws. Informed consent is when a health care provider does not have to follow these guidelines at all and can perform any procedure they are qualified to, as long as the patient is clearly informed about the risks, consequences, and outcomes.

However, the problem with this situation is that some health care providers make these guidelines become requirements. In my search for a doctor to perform my orchiectomy I struggled with doctors having more strict requirements instead of less strict ones. Here is what the SOC currently states for an orchiectomy.

Hysterectomy and Salpingo-Oophorectomy in FtM Patients and Orchiectomy in MtF Patients:

• Persistent, well documented gender dysphoria;
• Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to give consent for treatment;
• Age of majority in a given country;
• If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be well controlled;
• 12 continuous months of hormone therapy as appropriate to the patient’s gender goals (unless hormones are not clinically indicated for the individual.

As well:

Two referrals—from qualified mental health professionals who have independently assessed the patient—are needed for genital surgery. .... Each referral letter, however, is expected to cover the same topics in the areas outlined below.

The recommended content of the referral letters for surgery is as follows:

• The client’s general identifying characteristics;
• Results of the client’s psychosocial assessment, including any diagnoses;
• The duration of the mental health professional’s relationship with the client, including the type of evaluation and therapy or counseling to date;
• An explanation that the criteria for surgery have been met, and a brief description of the clinical rationale for supporting the patient's request for surgery;
• A statement about the fact that informed consent has been obtained from the patient;
• A statement that the mental health professional is available for coordination of care and welcomes a phone call to establish this.

Yeah, so, those are the checklists of recommended items for someone requesting any genital surgery. It says that there are two referrals required, however, doctors and insurers are actually requesting three. Two from mental health professionals and one from the doctor prescribing your hormone therapy.

Now then, let's go back to the "guidelines" for surgery that the SOC says are not mandatory. I contacted about ten different doctors for my surgery. Pretty much every single one required that I meet every checklist item, plus their added items, prior to even scheduling me for an appointment. When I informed them that the SOC are guidelines and not requirements, they informed me that it does not matter, and that for them, they are requirements. When pressed about what appears to be an instance of denying care to trans people, they informed me that it was the insurance providers policy. I told them that insurance is not paying for my surgery, that I am. They said they did not care, that it was their insurance providers insistence.

There are many people I have discussed this situation with, and surprisingly almost everyone has told me that they have no problem with those checklist items being requirements. When asked why, they said, because we need to make sure that the people that have these procedures will not regret their decision.

Wow. Seriously? Is that the bullshit that you're going to hide behind? Apparently yes, they will try. Surprisingly, to me at least, most transgender people also support these guidelines. When asked why, their answer is the same, we need to make sure that transgender people will not regret their decision.

Hmmm..... I am calling BULLSHIT!!! Totally, fully, completely, bullshit!

I do not think at all that people are worried about other humans regretting their decisions for how they may prefer to modify their bodies. But I do think I know what it actually is.... it's just plain old fashioned transphobia. How so? Well, thanks for asking, let's explore the answer to that question. In this discussion we will focus on breast augmentation. Why? It is the number one most performed plastic surgery procedure. In 2017, there were about 300,000 of these procedures done in the United States alone.

Okay, what types of requirements are there for a cis-gender human to get breast augmentation? This is a difficult question to answer as it is different for every doctor and basically there is no universally accepted pre-requisite, and many have no pre-requisites at all. One plastic surgery center I found via Google states:

You may be a candidate for breast augmentation if:

• You are physically healthy and you aren't pregnant or breastfeeding
• You have realistic expectations
• Your breasts are fully developed
• You are bothered by the feeling that your breasts are too small
• You are dissatisfied with your breasts losing shape and volume after pregnancy, weight loss or with aging
• You are unhappy with the upper part of your breast appearing "empty"
• Your breasts are asymmetrical
• One or both breasts failed to develop normally or have an elongated shape

If you're considering surgery, spend some time reviewing breast augmentation photos and learning about what to expect during recovery. Preparation ahead of time helps patients have reasonable expectations and a smoother recovery.

Hmmm..... notice anything missing? I do. How about referral letters from your health providers? What about referral letters from your mental health professionals? What about a checklist of items that the surgeon demands that you provide evidence for completion? Those things do not exist for cis-gendered humans for breast augmentation. So, how about for the trans population that would like breast augmentation?

Criteria for breast augmentation (implants/lipofilling) in MtF patients:

• Persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
• Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
• Age of majority in a given country (if younger, follow the SOC for children and adolescents);
• If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

Although not an explicit criterion, it is recommended that MtF patients undergo feminizing hormone therapy (minimum 12 months) prior to breast augmentation surgery. The purpose is to maximize breast growth in order to obtain better surgical (aesthetic) results.

As well, the patient is required to submit one referral letter from a mental health professional describing the same checkpoints listed earlier for genital surgery. They are also kind of lying when they say one referral letter, they actually mean two. One from your mental health professional and one from your medical doctor prescribing your hormone therapy.

Okay, so obviously there are quite a few differences in the "requirements" to fulfill to be able to get a boob job. Some may still say, yeah well, that is important to protect people from regretting a life changing procedure. In 2017 there were quite a few articles running around stating how lots of trans people are regretting their surgeries and are requesting a procedure to medically transition back to the gender they began as. Newsweek published an article:

Gender-confirmation surgeries—the name given to procedures that change the physical appearance and function of sexual characteristics—increased by 20 percent from 2015 to 2016 in the U.S., with more than 3,000 such operations performed last year. Rates are also increasing worldwide. Now, at least one surgeon is reporting a trend of regret.

Wow, so this trans regret thing is pretty serious. I mean, there is even a trend of regret, right? I used to actually think that publications like Newsweek could be trusted. Did you notice that they give a large number, of 3,000 such operations, but never actually give numbers to the supposed "trend" of surgery regret? These days, I don't know if anything can be trusted. It seems as though everyone is just being inflammatory to sell their product. Drama sells. And people are so intrigued by possible regret that trans people may have. So then, what about the trend that Newsweek reported on?

I found some info about this, but not from such an "esteemed news organization" as Newsweek. The info I found is the following:

36 surgical reversals out of 18,000-27,000 trans patients who’ve received surgery is a reversal rate of 0.13-0.2%. This is consistent with existing studies finding that rates of regret following genital surgery of about 2%, and indicates that only a small fraction of those who do experience regret will go on to seek reversal surgery

Okay, so maybe there is not exactly "a trend" of surgical reversals of Gender Confirmation Surgery. That is the whole kit and caboodle by the way, not just a boob job. So the rate of regret, with an actual study, was between 0.13-0.2%, and they report it is consistent with a rate of 2%. Which is ten times what the study showed, but whatever, make it bigger to account for some statistical errors. That is fine. But still, even with increasing it, the rate of regret, leading to a reversal, for a full GCS, is being reported at 2%.

Shall we take just a small moment and compare that rate of regret and reversal to the rate of regret and reversal for cis-gender breast augmentation. This is again difficult stats to find. But I found the following:


The most common surgeries among the survey group were breast augmentations (31 percent) and nose jobs (27 percent). Liposuction came a close third at 24 percent, while 16 percent had eyelid surgery.
Asked how they felt following surgery, two thirds (65 percent) said they "regret having cosmetic surgery" although 28 percent said they "couldn't be happier with the results".

Another source reports on breast augmentation specifically:

The FDA lists 26 potential complications, from rupture and deflation to infection and necrosis, and warns that up to 20 percent of women will have their implants removed within 10 years.

While the first stat is not super official it falls in line with what I have heard, most people who have plastic surgery regret their decision. Looking at the first quote, it says that 65% of Britains regret their surgery. Ummm..... trend anyone?

The second stat, coming from the FDA is pretty darn reliable, 20% of women will have their implants removed. That is a pretty big number of women who clearly regret their decision to have breast implants.

Yeah, let's make sure that we remember the trans stat, 2% regret reported, with the study putting it 0.2%. Okay, so a bit of math says, with 2%, that is one tenth of what cis-women report, and with 0.2%, that is one one hundredth. But hey, we need to make sure that trans people don't regret their decision.

What I am hearing is that people care SO much about the transgender humans that we just want to make sure that as few people as possible regret their decision to transition. And that is with hormones alone, and we especially want to make sure they do not regret any surgical decisions they make. However, with cis-gender humans, we don't really give a shit.

Did you happen to take a look at the requirements for getting breast implants and compare the cis-gender and transgender requirements? The cis-gender requirements are all ones that a single human all by themselves can make. They are making a choice about how they are going to treat their own bodies. For trans people? Yeah, no apparently we are not competent enough to make decisions about our own bodies. To even have surgeons consider you for a breast augmentation, you need to have two letters, a doctor, and a therapist. Did you see what the therapist has to write? I did. My therapist's letter is about 3 pages long. Yup 3 pages.

Yeah, for the orchiectomy, the requirements are even more severe than for breast implants. I actually got into a bit of an argument with a psychologist about the requirements. One of the old requirements for an orchiectomy is that you have 12 continuous months of living as the gender you identify as. So I suppose that one line will put the surgery out of contention for anyone who identifies as non-binary huh? Yeah, sorry, you don't identify enough with either gender to qualify as living full time as either male or female huh? Yeah, sorry, you're fucked.

Okay, but anywho, back to the direct comparison of breast augmentation for trans and cis humans. Now, not for one second do I believe that our society cares so much about trans people that we want to make sure they do not regret their surgical choices as much as the cis population does. What it is people, is straight up transphobia. There is nothing else that you can suggest to me that will make it so that I do not see the discrimination before me. Hell, they even put it in writing! That is what the Standards Of Care show. The SOC show that it is discriminatory in nature to expect different requirements from different groups of humans.

How can it be proven that our society as a whole is not discriminatory? Okay, maybe I am overgeneralizing too much, so let's just focus on the medical community and insurance providers for a moment. How can it be demonstrated that surgeons are not massive transphobes? Ummm..... it is really quite simple. Have the exact same requirements for anyone to get the procedure. As long as there exists a difference between trans-human's requirements and cis-human's requirements, then it is nothing but blatant discrimination.

The thing that really kicks me in the balls about this, (HAHAHAHAHA) is that most transgender people that I have spoken to are in support of these requirements! When asked why, they say that we need to protect our image, and anyone regretting any medical choice they have made is just bad publicity for our group of people. That is quite sad actually. It seriously reminds me of the practice of circumcision. Which, as reported by many men, is frequently performed so that their baby boy's penis looks just his daddie's. Wow, how sick! In other words, many trans people who have survived the inquisition that is this absurd checklist of surgery requirements thinks that if they had to go through it, then everybody else should have to as well.

Fuck! Even WPATH states, that their criteria are recommendations and not requirements! Nobody should be forced to conform to the expectations of a society that cannot clearly see it's way to actually allowing human beings to have autonomy over their own fucking bodies! Ummmm.... yeah, sorry, I am pretty heated about this bullshit.

Sometimes it makes me really wonder if they actually know about the transgender population. Like for instance, are they aware that there is an extremely high suicide rate? Basically it is somewhere between 40-50% of all transgender people will attempt to commit suicide at some point in their lives. I've actually read of some people who will say that statistic is proof of how mentally unstable the transgender population is. That is really sad. Mostly because it is that sort of rhetoric that is causing the problem. Transgender people are more likely to kill themselves because of rejection from society. Yup, pretty simple. People who face harassment, discrimination, and rejection from family and friends for some weird reason want to kill themselves more. So, to help these humans part of the solution is apparently making them jump through hoops, the SOC, to get the procedures that would actually help them to be better accepted by an already over critical society. But we are worried that some of them may regret their decision. Seriously?

I have actually had some contact with a few people who did come to regret their decision to transition, so maybe societie's, and WPATH's concerns are well warranted huh? Because, see if just one transgender person comes to regret their decision, we need to stand up and protect the poor misguided transgender human. Hmmm...... that is still pretty fucked up. As it turns out, the people I know stopped or de-transitioned because of a lack of societal support. Which is what I have also heard from my therapist and my doctor. These people didn't decide they were not transgender, they decided they could not put up with the vast amounts of negativity that they received from their community. Wow. Seriously, wow.

Let's see if I can wrap this up without using the f-word. Uhhhhh........ people should be allowed to do with their bodies as they please. Simple. Easy. You have no right to tell another human being what they can and cannot do to their own bodies. They are our own bodies! How about a simple deal, I wont tell you what to do with your body, and you wont tell me to do with mine. Yes, even if we disagree with what the other one is doing. Yes, even if you think it is wrong to do to oneself. Yes, even if........!!!!

Simple.

Body autonomy.

Love you!

Love your body!

Even if you have to change it to love it, you love that fucker up!

Oops...


Picture Credits:
https://www.deviantart.com/thelonemackerel/art/Regret-384681825
https://pxhere.com/en/photo/548566
https://www.maxpixel.net/Worried-Girl-Waiting-Worry-Thinking-Woman-Sitting-413690
https://pxhere.com/en/photo/869403
https://pixabay.com/images/search/stress/

The True Pain of Electrolysis

Sitting in the front office getting my chin numbed.

It is with grave misfortune that I neglected to heed the advice of those who have come before me in regards to electrolysis.  That advice was to start now!  And I will repeat it, if you are contemplating the possibility of one day doing this to yourself, stop thinking about it, and just go do it!  Seriously!

My issue?  My issue is that I didn't ever really think that I would be doing this!  I mean, why start something if you never intend on doing it?  Simple right?  Right.  Dur-da-dur!  So what changed?  Some simple sorts of things.  You know that simple little thing that says, I have now legally changed my name.  And this coming school year I will be expecting my students and fellow staff to refer to me as Mrs.

I'm mostly doing alright with that thought at this point.  It is something that I am trying to own, because that is the only thing to do.  However, there are a couple of difficulties that I have been considering.  One - I don't like shaving every day because it hurts and causes me some serious irritation, especially on my neck.  Two - I don't like wearing a wig everyday as they can be painful and quite warm.

Made it back to the room.

An easy way to solve one of those issues is to finally pony up and do what it takes to be rid of my facial hair.  I did a bit of research, got references, made phone calls, and soon had an appointment.  I will eventually write about who I decided to go see, because I LOVE her!  She is the best.  However, I don't want to taint her services with the tone of this post, which I am about to actually get to.

The point, right?  The point is the true pain of electrolysis.  When I went in, I was totally inexperienced.  I have never had this done, ever, anywhere and now I was going to pay to have someone do it to my face?  Yikes!  Alright, so I had it done with a bit of numbing cream on my face.  She worked on my chin and cleared what she could in 2 hours.

During the session I asked her what her thought was for a treatment plan.  She recommends a complete clearing of the face once per month.  Which she could do in marathon 8 hour sessions with 2 electrologists working at the same time, while having lidocain injections.  This would need to be done for a total of 12 to 18 times.

I did mention that I am a math teacher right?  Alrighty, well shall I crunch some numbers then?

Warning - if calculating triggers you, skip ahead to the next bold line!

I survived!

Lets first take a look at the total hours needed.  An 8 hour session with 2 electrologists is 16 hours.  16 hours done 12 to 18 times is 192 - 288 hours.  Next, we need the costs, right?  Well that is $125 per hour per electrologist, which is about average for the area.  As well, have you had it done?  On your face?  The lidocain injections are pretty close to mandatory, well at least for me!  Those are an additional cost of $50 per hour.  Okay, two electrologists, and injections, per hour comes out to $300 per hour.

However, a math problem twist - I will most likely only need 2 electrologists for half of that time.  But you can't just can't halve the cost, because you'll still need the lidocain.  Which means your per hour cost drops by $125 for a per hour cost of $175.

Which means what?  $300 per hour, multiplied by the range of hours of 96 to 144, gives a range of total cost from $28,800 to $43,200.  And $175 per hour,  multiplied by the range of hours of 96 to 144, gives a range of total cost from $16,800 to $25,200.

Calculating over!

For a grand total of $45,600 to $68,400.  Alrighty, if you know me in real life, you know that I don't swear here like I often do in real life!  So, swear warning, avert your eyes little ones, what the fucking shit!!!  That is the cost of the new 4 wheel drive truck that I want!

A close-up of what was done.

Once I got those numbers in, I realized what the true pain of electrolysis is.  Now yes I do pay for an experienced technician.  She has also worked with hundreds of trans clients.  She has about 30 years of experience and she works at an express rate.  Which is a concern, not just the cost per hour, but how effective is each hour?  You may pay less, you probably will pay less, but be careful of what you are willing to pay for.  Remember, this is your face.  Your face people.  Your face!

So yeah, I pay quite a bit.  I have obviously not paid to have all of that done yet.  It is a cost that will be spread out over time.  So far I have had about 15 hours of work done, and I have not been fully cleared yet.  I think it will take about another 4 to 5 hours.

Shall we also add in that I need to drive to LA to get it done?  Yeah that takes me 3 to 4 hours, each way.  Yeah there is that as well!  But that is really minor compared to the other costs.

Alrighty.  I'm done here.  Thanks for visiting!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love doing what is right for yourself!

My Outfit - Lovely Blue Patterned Tunic

Top - White House Black Market - Similar @ Amazon - @ WHBM

Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar @ Amazon @ WHBM

Shoes - Ralph Lauren

Belt - ?? - Similar

I got major compliments on this outfit when I wore it the other day to group therapy.  Though I didn't wear the hair during group.  I decided to go for comfort instead of style.  That has been a recent theme for me as of late - comfort over style.  I'm not 100% sure that I actually like that new philosophy!  Ha!

Though it is not super obvious from these photos, I am pretty matchy-matchy in this outfit.  So..... well the tunic has blue, black, white, and a cream color in it, which the leggings of course go with, being as they are black and all!  Then the shoes are my super cute blue polka-dot wedge sandals, which go with my black and white polka-dot finger and toe nails.  During therapy I also had on a black beanie with rhinestones covering it.  So..... I was pretty matchy-matchy!  And I loved it!

Group went well, though I would have to say that my wife would most likely say I was feeling feisty!  I am not so sure if that was the case, but I am relaxing for sure at group.  I am slowly trying to force myself to be confident even when I am not.  Which is a struggle!  I may come off as pretty darn out-going and confident, but really that is all cover for the truth - which is I am often super insecure and anxiety ridden.  Typically my worst moments are after I have gotten through something - I will then spend, hours, days, months, years, and yes occasionally even decades worrying that I totally fucked up something.

What do I have going for me?  An abundance of bravery.  It is only through my bravery that I have been able to accomplish anything.  I am still a bit concerned about this, and am trying to deal with it.  But I also have come to an understanding, bravery has to come before confidence.  One must be brave to face their fears, and after proving oneself capable, repeatedly, then comes confidence.

Seems simple.  Too bad it's not as easy as it sounds!  For to brave sometimes takes an unbelievable amount of strength.  I believe in us fellow humans.  We can muster that courage.  We can find the strength.  We can be brave.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Go forth and be brave my loved ones!

Play The Hand You Have Been Dealt?

It's a fascinating thing, sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.  I once had a boss tell me that I had the most accurate self reflections of anyone he had ever met.  That really pleased me.  For if there is one thing that I have constantly striven to do, it has been to have an accurate picture of who I am.  Thinking of that line now, I have to laugh.  For if I was actually accurate in my self reflections, wouldn't I have seen the writing on the wall long ago, and started taking hormones way, way, way, back?  

Possibly.  Who knows?  Who knows why we arrive at the locations we find ourselves?  Maybe I'm only on hormones now because of the path that life has led me on up to this point?  I mean, isn't that an obvious thing?  If life had not led me here, then I wouldn't be here?  Oh gawd!!  What is up with me this morning?  Ahh!!!!

Ponderables.  That is what is up with me this morning.  As of late, I find myself reacting differently than I have ever reacted in the past, and it is down right odd!  A lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!  I mean I have seriously worked hard to see myself, to see who I am, to see how I interact with the world around me, and I really thought I had a pretty good bead on things.  I was pretty sure that I knew how I would react in various situations, so it is odd to no longer feel the ways I have felt for so many years. 

The main thing I am pondering this morning is the vast amount of anger that I have carried around with me since at least puberty.  The longer that I go taking hormones, the more I am leaning towards, some part of me knew that I was not supposed to get testosterone, and when I did, it began messing with me in very serious ways.  

It's a tough thought for me though. (side bar - I love the English language an it's weirdness! Tough, thought, though!  Ha-Ha-Ha - those words are so weird strung together!! Okay - on with the show!)  I really thought that the reason I was angry was that I grew up in a really negative household with lots of stress, strife, and oodles of anxiety.  Yes, I know I really did not have it bad off compared with many others who struggle for basic life necessities, but still, growing up in a household where there is nothing but anger and yelling, and fighting, pretty close to every day of one's life, can really mess with a human!

There were also a million other little things going on in my house.  My sister being repeatedly sexually abused, me having been sexually abused, my mother having a brain tumor, and eventually a brain aneurysm, my father being the typical type of male who loved people so much but was so terribly insecure about it all that he had to throw his hatred out vast and wide to push people away first, and some of his favorite one-liners having come from his time in the marine corp, like - I will not be treated like a PFC in my own home! If you don't know - a PFC is a private first class.  Apparently a nobody in the military!  

So, um yeah, having come out of those family dynamics with half a brain, and still able to function in society fairly decently, it didn't really surprise me much that I was terribly angry.  I mean it is a completely logical thing to assume would happen, isn't it?  Though it did always feel weird.  It never really felt like it was me.  I always kind of felt as though I was so close to someone that had a constant nasty dust cloud surrounding them, that I too became covered in dust.  All that I really needed to do was to figure out how to remove all of the dust!  Easy, right?

Well apparently not so much.  For I remember the first pangs of super anger back when puberty was first hitting.  And I have lived with those feelings ever since.  Oh sure, I have been able to wrangle more control of the situation, most of the time.  But really, any control I could muster came at great personal efforts, and it was a tenuous control at best.  Truth be told, I often felt like a powder keg with a lit fuse, and all I was ever able to do was to extend the fuse.  I was never able to extinguish it.  

And that is what I feel as though I have been searching for - how can I shake off that dust, how can I extinguish that fuse, how can I have been raised in that house, under that regime, and not be an angry bitter asshole?  I have searched and searched and tried numerous things, but the older that I became, the more resigned to my fate I became as well.  Which is terribly unfortunate.  I had always kind of assumed that the further I made it into my own life, and away from my father, that the calmer I would get, until one day, I would no longer be saddled with this terrible burden.  It sounded like a good theory, but the problem was it just never seemed to actually be working!

So can you imagine my surprise that it has now been 5 months since I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers and I have not experienced a feeling of explosive anger yet?  In the past, I have been able to go some time between temper tantrums, but it was generally through some seemingly well thought out plan and some supreme will power.  This time, no major plan, no massive amounts of will power, just a little patch, and two tiny daily pills.

Damn!  I mean really.  Seriously, it is totally tripping me out.  

Take yesterday as an example.  A situation arose, that in the past has really irritated me.  A colleague came to me and told me he thought I had been rude and disrespectful towards him.  Normally this would kind of fire me up.  Generally I would handle the immediate situation with grace, but would be left with lots of unresolved anger.  This time, I looked at the guy and told him something along the lines of "OMG, I am so sorry that you felt that way!"  And I totally wanted to go over and give him a hug and pet his back in a calming soothing manner.  It almost made me giggle in the moment, except for I knew that would send this alpha male in a tale spin that I would never be able to pull him out of.  Instead I soothed the savage beast and left with him thinking we were now seeing eye to eye.  The largest amusement to me was when I reflected back upon the incident throughout the day and today as well, each time I was surprised to find myself giggling about it.  That is totally new.  Generally I would reflect about something like that and end up all fired up and quite pissed off!  This time I have reflected and giggled about ten times!  In fact I can't stop giggling about it.  It is so frickin amusing to me it is totally comical!  

That is just one teeny-tiny example of how my outlook on things have changed.  I am not expecting miracles.  In fact I am anticipating that in any possible upcoming situations I just may very well loose my shit.  But it hasn't happened yet.  And it is very odd.  Again - a lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!

I have watched myself for at least 35 years getting entirely way too angry.  And now, without trying to, without a massive plan, without attempting to solve the problem, it seems as though this incorrect application of hormones has been my problem all along.

It is things like this that have made me really look at myself and reexamine what I thought I knew.

I no longer think I should have been attempting to play the hand I was dealt.  I think I should have folded, left the table, and gone and found a new game long ago!

It really is a fascinating thing sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Observe yourself more!

photo credits:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ATexas_Hold_'em_Hole_Cards.jpg

https://flic.kr/p/gdW2F

https://flic.kr/p/8mx8N5

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AGo_give_your_friend_Micah_a_hug.jpg

https://flic.kr/p/7n37sR

Prostate Confusion

Well now, it has been a little bit since I came clean here about what is going on with me and my prostate, but there appears to be a lingering confusion as to what is happening with my prostate.  Several people I have spoken to have been greatly concerned that I am dealing more with obtaining hormones than dealing with my health.  Some of these people have been close friends and some have been well meaning internet friends.

I have honestly tried to clear up any misconceptions about my prostate, but I will attempt to do it again.  So.... let's see if I can be more clear this time - THERE IS NOTHING ABNORMALLY WRONG WITH MY PROSTATE!  There, does that help?

No?  Seriously, there is nothing wrong with my prostate, except of course that I am aging.  How about this excerpt for your edification:

An enlarged prostate means the gland has grown bigger. Prostate enlargement happens to almost all men as they get older. An enlarged prostate is often called benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH). It is not cancer, and it does not raise your risk for prostate cancer.

I think that this is a very difficult subject for most men to discuss rationally.  I mean, after all, this has to do with something that is only accessible by sticking a finger up your butt.  And men, well many men, don't want to acknowledge that they even have a butt!  Seriously!  And certainly most men don't want to ever have anything, EVER, go UP their butt!  I mean, talk about gay!  Things do NOT go up a male butt, unless of course you are gay!  Thus most men are terrified of being accused of being gay and thus, they don't want to ever have to deal with their prostates!

Well prostate owners, get over yourself!  Seriously!  Stick a finger up your butt and get to know your little walnut gland!  Ha!  I amuse myself!

So.... me being the problem solving person that I am, decided to solve a problem.  What problem you ask?  Well, I never wanted to go on hormones, well at least I would never admit to wanting to go on hormones.  Thus the dilemma - I want a more feminine body, but I didn't want to admit to wanting hormones.  Instead of admitting what has always been there, I instead went to my general practitioner and complained about my prostate, knowing full well that they would refer me to a specialist.  Once at the specialist - for all of you who are concerned about my prostate - he did EVERY SINGLE TEST THERE IS - and determined that due to - MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY SYMPTOMS - that I have an enlarged prostate.  Eventually he gave me finasteride, which is what I wanted.  If you don't know it is a t-blocker.  Time passed, I told him that I felt better, he told me he wanted me to stop taking finasteride.

I panicked, and finally pulled my head out of my own ass, ha!, and admitted to myself and my wife, what I was doing, and what I had orchestrated.  Then I did the responsible thing - I began to see a gender therapist, and a doctor who is actually educated in prescribing hormone treatment for transgender patients.  By the way, all of you folks who are paranoid about my prostate, my new doctor assures me that the new medication I am on will shrink my prostate to nothing.

But really, I think there is another issue happening here - all of the folks who are worried about my prostate - I am worried about you.  Do you know your own prostate?  Because see, I know mine, again part of why I thought I was gay, I have been familiar with my anatomy since about age 12 or so.  Most of the people who have expressed concern for me have followed it up with, 'yeah I need to get mine checked soon.'  Well seriously if that is your response then YES, YOU NEED TO GET IT CHECKED!

Well, I hope this PSA (Ha! another prostate joke if you didn't catch it!) has helped.  From now on I think when questioned about my prostate's heath I will simply refer to this post.

Hope you all are well!

I hope you all have stuck your own fingers up your own butts!  Ha!  I amuse myself, seriously!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Yes, even love your butts!

Photos:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/raphaellove/