Tale of Re-Coming Out! - To My Sister

As of right now I have yet to even see the Bruce Jenner 20/20 interview or his other stuff on E, but I am thanking him anyways!  Why you ask?  The other day I received a text from my sister who told me that she watched the interview and she HAD to talk with me.  It is not unusual for me to receive a text from her or for she and I to speak with each other; we have a very close relationship.  But in terms of me being transgender we really don't talk about it.

Several years ago it occurred to me that I was tired of hiding myself from her and I told her that I am a cross dresser.  At the time I didn't have the vocabulary to really explain myself.  Actually I didn't have the knowledge at that point to be able to explain myself.  What I did know was that I was cross dressing, and blogging about it, and I had never told my sister about any of it.  I knew that was odd, and thus for only the second time in my life, I began to explain my gender variant behavior to someone.  This was at least four to five years ago and at that point the only person that knew was my wife.

My sister took it in stride and let me know that she had no issue with it and was in fact totally fine with it.  The only problem was, while she said very supportive things and totally reassured me, being as I was so unknowingly insecure with myself, I couldn't truly hear her.  Which led me to believe that she was in fact not really okay with it and would prefer that I did not discuss it with her.

So it was.  We still conversed a lot.  We still had a very close relationship.  I would still talk to her about things like clothes and fashion and such.  But... I chose to not talk to her about me and my personal discoveries about who I am.

And that was an error in my judgement.  Instead of me being secure in who I am, I unknowingly was looking to her for reassurance.  I was waiting for her to bring it up.  It was kind of my way of thinking that if she wanted to talk about it, she would, and since she did not bring it up, she didn't really want to talk about it.  What I see now is that what was really going on was that I was the one who was not okay with it.

I discovered my own insecurities with myself about the same time I told her, maybe four to five years ago.  I don't know how many of you remember, if anyone actually does, but I had a shocking epiphany moment about my gender variances.  I was fully dressed, rushing out of the house, and I forgot something in the bathroom, I ran in there, grabbed what I had forgotten, saw my female reflection in the mirror and in my head I clearly heard me calling myself a freak.

That really messed with my head!  It made me begin to realize how insecure I was about myself.  And once I understood that, I knew that every judgement that I thought was being handed down by someone else was immediately suspect.  And even though I found that out over four to five years ago, I continue to catch myself perpetrating the same crime to others.

Oh I fight it.  I have plenty of instances where I can point to and say, see, see how much I have changed?  I treat people differently now.  Now that I understand the voices are only within my own head I give others the benefit of the doubt.  But alas, simply because I can point to instances where I have been more open and not judging of others does not mean that I do that with everyone.  Nor does it mean that I have become aware of my prior judgments of others that are still in place and are still affecting my relations with people like my sister.


Lucky for me Bruce Jenner decided to go public with his transition and my sister watched the 20/20 episode.  When we finally connected on the phone, we chatted for a bit about life and then she brought up the interview.  She told how impressed she was with the entire show.  That she felt they approached it very well and that it would be well worth my time to watch it.

But what really struck me was when she began a dialogue about me and she apologized for not bringing it up sooner.  She realized that I had opened the door for her many years ago, but she was waiting for me to step back through it.  She thought the same thing I did; if I wanted to talk about it, I would bring it up.  I thanked her for that but then apologized to her because I felt as though it was really my error in judging her as not wanting to talk about it when in reality it had nothing to do with her and instead with my own insecurities.  If I really had no problems with what I was doing, then I wouldn't have any problems with talking about it.

It was then that I was suddenly aware of how much I had not communicated with my sister about who I am but being as my sister is so totally awesome she had questions!  And the fabulous thing was that I finally had some answers!  With her having watched this 20/20 episode it gave her an inside view, a vocabulary, and some actual scientific information about what it is to be transgender.  And with me having worked on myself and having taken the time to learn about vast diversity of my own community, made it so that my sister and I just clicked and flowed through that conversation seamlessly.

Even when she had to put her daughters to bed it worked out perfectly.  Her daughter and I have been communicating lately via Facetime and she has certainly seen my painted fingernails.  This apparently has sparked much thought and I bit of conversation about gender non-conforming behavior on the part of my niece.  She is an awesome person and I love the way he mind problem solves.  Anyway.... my niece was supposed to be brushing her teeth but her super ears picked up my sister talking to her husband a bit about our phone conversation and Bruce Jenner.  My niece then piped up and asked if they were talking about my fingernails.  This sparked a great conversation with my niece about societal gender expectations. How awesome!

My sister ended up calling me back and we talked a bit longer.  Probably what took the longest was explaining my personal version of my own label.  Read the sidebar on this site if you haven't caught it already.  But our conversation ran the gambit.  And it was fabu!  I loved it.  I only wish I could have had it much earlier.

But thinking about it now, it was destined to be.  The timing was right.  It was meant to be.

One last thing that she said to me that really struck me -  she thanked me for being so forthright with her.  It was thrilling to me to have her give me such a complement that really showed me just how much I have grown with understanding who I am.

Thanks sis!  I love you!


Do you know who you are?

Have you put in the time to yourself?

I truly believe that only by giving yourself the time to figure out you, can you be free enough to appreciate what the world has to offer.

I hope you know who you are.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Amazing Ingrown Destroyer!

PFB Vanish via Amazon

For the past month or so I have been testing out this product and I am here now to report my amazing results!  I truly am amazed by this stuff.

I have been a shaver for most of my life.  Let's see, I would probably be going on about 30 years or so of shaving at this point.  I have also tried epilating and waxing, which both work just fine, but shaving tends to be what I do the most.

Shaving works great, and I am quite quick at it at this point.  I am probably down to about 20-30 minutes for my entire body!  Wow.  But the thing that I hate about it is ingrowns!  I suffer wildly from ingrowns.  Probably ever single time I shave I end up with about 10 or more ingrowns in various places.  And more often than not they hurt!

Anywho.... I have had an ingrown on my upper inner thigh for several months and the hair just never seemed to want to come to the surface for me to be able to pluck it.  I examined it several times to no avail.  The hair was in there and it was NOT going to come out.  I tried sloughing, and another chemical exfoliator, but nothing was working.  Through some other website I found this product, PFB Vanish and decided to give it a whirl.

It it applied easily enough, you just roll it on the spot.  Being as I have such difficulties with ingrowns, especially on my inner thighs, I began using it over all of my inner thighs and not just on that one stubborn ingrown.  It took about 3-4 weeks, applying it in the morning and and night, but do you know what happened?  Eventually that little bugger of a hair showed its evil little head and I was able to snag it with a pair of tweezers and pop out a nasty little twisted up hair that was about 1/2 - 1 inches long!  Yuck! Nasty!  But YAY for this product!  It actually brought it out and to the surface.

So, it destroyed that long-term nasty giant ingrown I have had for about 3-4 months.  YAY again! But during that time this lovely little product has also kept my other ingrowns to a minimum.  I have developed them, but the little red raised bumps, indicating a start of an ingrown just sort of disappered and never actually developed into full on giant ingrown volcanoes as many of mine do.  They just disappeared within a couple of days.

But wait, there is more!  Once this stuffed showed its merit on ingrowns that had developed I decided to start putting it all over my thighs, which is an area that is notorious for getting ingrowns on me.  I also took a further risk by shaving against the grain of the hair in that location.  I know, not the best, but it really is the only way to have super soft smooth legs.  So I went for it this weekend, and guess what?  No ingrowns developed at all!  And no irritation from shaving!  I am seriously impressed with this stuff. Can you tell?

The one caveat I will say is that your skin will peel a bit from using it.  It was a minor concern for me, but you should be aware of this before you dive into it head on.  It never hurt, but it did cause my skin to experience a mild peeling.  It acts like a mild chemical exfoliant and thus a bit of drying and I really only noticed the peeling after I had been sitting in the spa for like 2 hours.  Upon getting out while drying off, I noticed a bit of peeling skin on my thighs.  I just dried it off and it was done.  No pain, just a bit of peeling.

I am so impressed with the effectiveness of this product that I made sure I went to amazon and purchased a second bottle to have on hand before my first one ran out.  Yeah, I like it that much!

So there ya go!

Enjoy.

Destroy all ingrowns!

Destroy!

Destroy!

Outfit for 5-17-2015 - New Skirt

Skirt - Ringostone - Similar

Tank - WHBM - Similar

Sweater - Jones of NY - Similar

Shoes - Nickles - Similar

I realize that I have a few things that I kind of obsess over.  One of them, of course, is black and white - we have already been over that I am a total sucker for just about anything black and white, but another thing that I seem to really enjoy is skirts.  I feel a bit silly about it actually as I think that I have like two or three skirts in my closet already that have been there, unworn, for a few months.  Frequently they just hangout and wait until I find the right outfit for them, but I still feel a bit silly buying something that does not immediately get used.

Anywho..... this skirt was just one of those ones that was waiting patiently for me to figure out how I was going to work it in.  I really like it, but I was finding it difficult to figure out how to wear it well due to the geometric design on it.  And while I am on it, that is another thing that I am drawn to - clothing with geometric designs.  I have found some really cool ones, like this skirt, but then I often struggle with putting it together with something else as SO many of my clothes have patterns on them that I feel as though the patterns don't mesh well.

I figure one of two things needs to happen, either I need to get over my thinking that two apparently different patterns can comfortably coexist within the same outfit or I need to invest time in buying some more non-patterned items that would work better with what I currently own.

Personally I struggle with mixing patterns.  How about you?  Do you think two different patterns can coexist together in the same outfit, or should I mix solid with patterns as in this outfit?

Today this outfit was worn to get our nails done and to do some light shopping.  Aren't my nails cool!  Thanks I think so! (Obviously & I am SO modest about them right?!)

Updates:
- Today I had a post go live on Already Pretty!  OMG, I am so dying over that!  Dying in a good way! (What an odd expression!) How about I am SO thankful for Sally for inviting me to contribute to her site.  It was a super generous thing for her to do, so go check it out!

- I was NOT a winner for the Glamour Boutique contest.  I showed Jules who did win, and she thought it was good that I didn't.  I thought that was funny!  What I did learn is that a place called Glamour Boutique is apparently looking for Glamour Shots photos.  While I think I can get a decent looking photo, my photos are not along the lines of that! Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just not the look I am striving to achieve.  Oh well.  Seriously, congrats to the winners!

How Did I Wear It Better? - Mini Skirt

Skirt - Guess - Similar

Tank - Calvin Klein - Similar

White Sweater - White House Black Market - Similar

Black Sweater - 89th & Madison - Similar

Leggings - White House Black Market 

Tall Black Boots - Guess - Similar

Nude Wedges - Taryn - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Same skirt and same tank, two different outfits; which one do you think looks better?  My opinion is the outfit with the leggings.  Besides the fact that I feel way more comfortable with leggings on with such a short skirt, I think the black on my legs with the white on my arms makes for a more balanced look with my body shape.  The oft thought aspect of black is that it makes things recede from your vision, but I think with these two outfits, seeing them side by side, the black sweater makes my upper half look very stocky.

I love the look of my legs, I think they are super nice, but my eye is totally drawn upwards towards the black sweater.  And my legs do not necessarily look very shapely, they look more like little twigs sticking out from a rather blocky upper half!  Oddly enough, with the black of the leggings and the black boots I feel as though my eye is drawn more to my legs in that photo than when they are clearly visible.

Wow, colors, and photos, and perspectives, odd!

Anyway, which outfit do you think works better?  Any thoughts as to why you like that one more than the other one?  Am I over playing the appearance of my upper half with the black sweater?

Of course, the obligatory "catus interuptus" photo.

And another thing here folks - "Luke come to the dark side."  Sorry, I always hear that line in my head while thinking of this.  I once read someone say that by advertising on your blog or by monetizing things that somehow you have traveled to the "dark side."  Well apparently then, I am going to the dark side.  I am going to begin to include links on my posts that may lead to commissions for me.  You can read my new disclaimer page if you are really interested.  I am actually kind of hoping that it will be a win-win for the all of us.  Maybe I can get a little compensation for my time here, maybe you can be directed to locations to be able to purchase some of the products, or similar products, that I am showing off here, and maybe it may inspire me to be a bit more active here.  We shall see what will happen in time, huh?

Oh and I am contemplating a move to a self owned Wordpress site.  I will retain my URL, but it would mean that I will be loosing some of the features that are provided by the Blogger platform.

Hmm.... decisions, decisions.  (From the game of Life, if you didn't catch that reference!)

Love ya!

Have a great weekend!

Outfit for 5-11-15 - Zippers!

Skirt - H&M

Top - Charotte Russe

Sweater - 89th & Madison

Shoes - Guess

Belt - Mossimo

I got this skirt a little bit ago at H&M and absolutely love the zippers on it.  The zippers totally sold me on the skirt. I love the look of them and that it adds a little bit of edge to it.  But I struggle a bit with my body image while wearing skirts that have that little bit of flare at the knees.  I think it helps my body to have skirts that are tight at the knees.  But I like to push myself into new fashions territory and thus I went for it.

I like the overall look of how this outfit turned out.  You know me, I am such a sucker for black and white!  And yes, those are the same killer heels that toppled me over the last time I wore them.  But you know what they say about getting back up onto that horse!

This outfit was not actually worn out for anything.  It was part of a mega outfit/picture-a-thon.  I may have mentioned already that I will shortly become  a contributor over at Already Pretty.  What I may not have mentioned is how much it THRILLS may but also TERRIFIES me!  I have been somewhat stressed (okay massively stressed!) about providing a decent looking outfit and a nice head shot photo for my biography for Sally's site.  What do I do when stressed?  What do I do when I want to turn away and bury my head in the sand?  I face the challenge head on.

Thus it was that I reserved some time this past weekend to get dressed and take some photos!  Which resulted in me trying on about 10 different looks and getting a whole bunch of closeups of my face.  And what did I find?  A few outfits that I thought actually looked good, and I actually, AMAZINGLY, got a few head shots that I LIKE!  Wow.  That is truly amaze-balls!  I have such a difficult time with getting pics of my face that I actually like.  I still shake my head in disgust at the levels to which my insecurities still smack me around.

I really need to get over myself.

Oh well.  At least I fight the fight.

And more and more, I find that I may actually be gaining some ground.

Love you.

Love yourself.

Take more pictures.

Who knows, maybe you too can find one or two that you actually like.

(Just for your info, I took about 300-400 shots to find a few that I actually like.  Yes sometimes people it takes that much effort!)

Loves!

Outfit for 5-7-15 - The Outfit That Almost Killed Me

Dress - Calvin Klein

Sweater - White House Black Market

Shoes - Guess

I really wanted to try out my new wig and thought, I should wear something new and fun. The obvious choice was this new Calvin Klein dress and had just recently purchased. I really like how it hugs my body with its super stretchy fabric. Just on its own, it shows off any curves that I actually have. The horizontal stripes also work to give the illusion of a curvier body. And of course I had to pair it with my T strap Guess shoes.

It was with glee in my step that I setup my camera on my tripod and walked out my front door to snap some shots. Without really thinking, while holding my tripod, topped with my pricey relatively new camera, my heel came down right on the edge of the short little step on my front porch. I wobbled for a second, and then began a horrific feeling fall.

I knew I was going down. I knew it was going to hurt. But I had some forethought and I brought down my tripod, still with its legs folded together, and managed to control my fall. My camera stayed upright instead of ending up in pieces smashed in my demise, which was super lucky. But then I came down hard on my right knee.  It smashed into the ground and then then event was over.

I stayed there for a moment, catching my breath, and making sure I was steady. Slowly I got to my feet and surveyed the damage. I was sure that I was going to be bloody, or maybe broken, or at least chipped. But thankfully no. My knee hurt, but all that had occurred was a sore spot and a slight grazing of my knee.

Being out of danger, I setup my tripod and snapped my shots!

Yay, I lived! Yay, I didn't break anything. Yay!

Over all of the years of wearing heels, this was the first time I have ever gone down. A little wobble here and there of course, but I have never hit the ground before. It was pretty terrifying!

The obligatory cat photo!

Watch out for those steps people!

New Hair!

For the past two years, I have had the same hair style.  Awhile back  I went on a wig search and I ended up with the Zara from John Renau.  I fell in love with that wig; which I do still love.  But while recently searching through various large cap wigs, I discovered a wig that Jon Renau also makes.  It is called the Amber - large cap.  It appealed to me and after a little bit of thought, I decided to go for it.

Of course I ordered it from my friends at Wilshire Wigs.  They were having a 25% off sale, which was awesome!  Plus, whenever I have ordered something from them and it didn't quite work, they happily exchanged it for something else.  The other thing I really like about them is they are close to me.  Thus I ordered the wig on Thursday, it was shipped on Friday, and got to my door on Saturday!  Wow! What service.  (And for full disclosure, yes I have received a wig at a deep discount from them in the past, but I was using them before that, and have continued to use them since.)

I was so excited to receive my new wig, that I did something I do NOT recommend; I tried it on while still dressed as a guy.  Generally this does not work out very well.  I have read of others experiencing this exact same thing.  So my first impression of the wig was that it looked okay.  Not great, not horrible, but just okay.

Later that day, after finishing my work, showering and shaving, and getting something pretty on, I again tried on my new wig.  Wow!  What a difference the whole look makes.  But still.... there was something about it that made me a bit hesitant to fully embrace it.

And I think that what it is, is that change is tough.  For two years I have had the same hair.  The same length, the same color, the same style.  Thus it can be more than a bit challenging to accept a different look.  I have seen this same thing with Jules.  We had a funny conversation actually about this.  I asked her how many hair styles would she change back to what she had before if she could.  She has changed her color, length, and style many times, including shaving it all off once!  The thing about a wig is that if you don't like it, you can just send it back for a different one.  With real hair, it does not work so easily!

Thus, I think that what I want to do is to embrace the possibilities of wigs.  Why should I just stick with one style?  I should enjoy what I can do with wigs and get a few different ones.  I have been contemplating the possibility of getting a human hair wig, at a cost of about $1000.  This new wig of mine ran me about $250.  For the same price of a human hair wig, I could get four different wigs like this new one.  That would afford me several different styling options!

And that could be super fun!  I could go for curly hair one day and straight the next.  Maybe even have one in a darker color.  How about black?  Think I could pull off black hair?  I did once upon a time.  It is a very different look for me.  But why not try?

I think I should dive into the benefits of wearing wigs and look at all that it offers me.  Often I lament that I am unable to grow out my own, which leaves me a bit bummed.  But I think I have been looking at it all wrong.  I need to embrace the options that wigs afford.

What about you?  Do you own just one wig?  Do you mix up your wig wearing?  Or are you gifted with your own natural hair?