The Writing is on the Wall

Well, no, not actually.  Really the writing is on the label on the lid. 

A year and half ago or so I realized that I was going to legally transition and most likely end up fully transitioning.  It was sometime around then that I realized it was time to start working on my handwriting again. 

It's interesting to see what transgender people end up not liking about themselves.  For many of us it is obviously body parts that we don't like.  That is probably not something that even really needs to be mentioned.  Gender confirmation surgery kind of confirms that many trans people have a very hard time existing with bits that they don't identify with.  But, sometimes there are other things besides body parts that bring about grief. 

Maybe surprisingly, my handwriting is something that I have always hated due to my perception that it has always been extremely male.  Male handwriting you ask?  Yes, male handwriting.  I understand that it may appear to be weird to think of handwriting as exuding a gender, but it does.  Well, maybe it itself does not, but we as a society interpret handwriting as having gendered characteristics.  Do many men place little hearts as dots above letters such as i?  No, most do not.

My personal issues with my handwriting began very early in my life.  My mother would describe my handwriting as chicken-scratch.  Which is apparently a very common way to criticize handwriting.  Anywho, possibly more damaging were various teachers who would examine my handwriting and then calmly explain that it was clearly not something I could do, because I was born as a male.  Having been born with a male identified body, meant that while I had good gross motor skills, my body lacked the appropriate muscles to perform fine motor skill tasks well.  Thus when I went home, I was not really motivated to practice my handwriting. 

My issues with my handwriting began before I was ever told that it was something I would never be able to do well.  It was simple, I never actually practiced.  Yup, that simple.  Handwriting is an art form that I never cared about.  I was lost, confused, and alone.  My household was a classic 80s dysfunctional mess.  Practicing my handwriting was not high on my priority list.  Hell it wasn't on my list at all. 

When I began teaching and seeing massive amounts of other human beings handwriting that I began to finally understand that people's gender was irrelevant to the quality of their handwriting.  Actually what I noticed was that people who practiced more had better handwriting.  So practice was the key.  And occasionally I did practice.  But they were all really half-hearted attempts.

It wasn't until I chose to transition that I began to attack this problem in earnest.  The first thing I had to learn was a new signature.  That was weird, but cool. I super enjoyed creating a new signature.  What has been harder is learning the intricacies of this art form, such as letter spacing, letter size, slant, staying on the line, and going from line to line.  All those little lovely pieces of things that combine together to create good looking handwriting. 

I'm not done.  I think I am somewhere in the middle.  I have improved, but I have improvements that can still come about.  With time, effort, practice, determination, and persistence, I know that I can get it to be what I want it to be. 

Sometimes to change all that is needed is practice.  Not a medication, not cognitive behavioral therapy, not hours of pondering, not being born in the "right" body, just simple practice. 

I'm going to go continue practicing.  I know I can do this.  I know this is possible.  I believe in my ability to learn and change and grow. 

What do you believe in?

Love you!

Love yourselves!

I hope you believe in yourself.  I really do.

To Shade or Not To Shade

Apparently that is the question.  Confused?  Possibly.  Well, the other day on Insta I received the following message:

When you pose in a car, may I ask a favor? Please shed the sunglasses for the time to take a selfie. As a lesbian, I want to see your whole face.

I went back through my Insta feed and noticed that there are probably about 35 or so pictures with me with sunglasses on and about the same with them off.  So.... it is about even.  But this issue of sunglasses or no sunglasses and the public's reaction to me with them or without them has also been an issue with this blog.  A few comments that I have received over the years:

Love your cleavage and really like the picture without your sunglasses. You do have pretty eyes and a pretty face. 

I know you're reluctant to take your pictures outdoors without sunglasses, but these photos are proof positive that you certainly don't need them in the shade. They are a lovely testament to the woman within.

Its so nice to see your eyes.

I appreciate the support, I really do..... at one point I was terrified to post any photos of me on the net as I was sure that someone would be able to recognize me.  My sunglasses were my wonder woman mask that kept me safe from harm.  Eventually they became a security blanket and I became afraid to be seen without them.  Thus it was an unusual sight to see me without them, especially in photos.  I mean at one point I wouldn't even show my face here!  Yikes!

That is so craze-balls that I wouldn't even include my head in my photos.  I went back right now and checked to see when I started showing my face but I got too annoyed trying to find it, but I want to say that it took me years to show my face.  So yeah, at one point I think I needed to encouragement to show my face without my sunglasses. 

However..... have you seen my Insta feed?  As I said, there is about half and half, sunglasses and no sunglasses.  Personally, I think the internet has now seen plenty of my photos without sunglasses.  Even here, where most of my photos are with sunglasses, I try and post up one non-sunglasses photo with every outfit post.  Occasionally you will even get a close-up of my face, like when I got my lashes done. 

But even if you are a lesbian, it is not going to sway me much to post up more non-sunglasses pictures.  Why?  Well for one, I'm a lesbian also, so I am immune to other lesbian's super powers.  And for another, who am I now trying hard to dress for?  Me. 

I have spent too many of my years on this planet wearing or not wearing items due to what other people thought I should or shouldn't be wearing.  I'm kind of over that.  Wait, back up, I'm not kind of over that, I'm totally over that!  At one point I needed support to show all of who I am, but now, not so much.  Thus I am going to wear or not wear my sunglasses, depending on if I feel like wearing them.  If I think I look cute in a photo with or without sunglasses, I will share it. 

I think the difference is at one point I wore my sunglasses to hide, now, if I have them on, it's probably because it is super frickin bright, or I'm taking photos in my dirt covered driveway and I don't feel like setting my glasses down in the dirt. 

So, um, yeah!

There ya go!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love sunglasses!!!

My Outfit - Cool Dress

Dress - Max Studio @ Amazon

Scarf - no idea - Similar @ Amazon

Shoes - Born O Concept. Schirra - Similar @ Amazon,  @ DSW

I wore this outfit about a week ago when my wife and I were able to go to a local college, COS, and give a talk on gender.  I am so super thrilled to be able to go to colleges and try and help educate about the transgender community.  The classroom that we went to this time was for one of my favorite teachers, Debra Hansen.  It was about two years ago now that I first contacted her and inquired about speaking in her room.  I was not able to speak for her class at that time as it was just a quick inquiry.  We connected though and the next semester there was an opportunity so I jumped at it.

Super terrifying was the way I might describe how I felt the very first time I spoke, and it was only a panel discussion.  A panel talk is when several transgender people are there, the students ask questions, and if you feel like offering up some information, then you can speak.  If you don't want to say anything, then you don't need to.  It is a super easy and relaxed way to speak with college students.

This last time though, it was a bit different, it was only my wife and I.  Wow!  Exciting.  I have done a few speeches since that first talk I gave in Debra's class, but that was with my powerpoint showing my life.  This talk was no powerpoint, no reference materials, just my wife and I, and some time.  I was a bit nervous about doing this talk as I only found out what was happening upon walking into the classroom that morning.  But, I'm an educator at heart, along with my wife, and so we totally just rolled with it.

We each gave a brief overview of who we are and why we were there to speak to the students.  After that, the students got to ask any question they wanted to.  I love answering their question, but honestly they are a bit tame.  I keep expecting some sordid taboo subjects to pop up, like how does a cis woman and a trans woman have sex!  That would be a wild question that I'm not sure I would even attempt an answer.  Alas, no student has yet to ask me anything that I have been unwilling to at least attempt an answer.

They question came, and my wife, Debra, and myself tried our best to provide good answers for the students.  We had a good time, the students seemed to respond well, and Debra super appreciated us being there to speak with her students.  What did I appreciate?  Being able to be there with my wife.  She and I compliment each other very well.  I really think that she and I should do most of the transgender presentations I coordinate. Hopefully in the future we will get that opportunity.

Oh, right, this is supposedly an outfit post! Crap! I totally got sidetracked! I just love my wife, presenting, and educating!  Okay, well, anywho..... I love this dress!  It is super light and flowy, a perfect dress for these hot Central Cal summers.  What else?  Well the sandals I have on are some of my faves.  I have two pairs of them.  A dark brown pair, and a black pair.  I think they are still available and have provided some links for them.  I highly recommend them.  They are super cute, comfy, and I have gotten many compliments on them. 

Okie dokie, that's about it!

Love you!

Love yourselves! 

Love, love, love!

2 Year Estro-Versary!

Wow, really, it has been two years?  Hmmm..... how did that happen?  In many ways, it is surprising to me that two years have passed since I first changed my hormones.  It feels as though the time has flown by and that it can't possibly have already been two years.  I have felt great and it has done nothing but cement in my mind that this trans stuff is totally real!!  I know, little Mrs. me, forever doubtful of the reality staring back at me in the mirror. 

Something that has made it seemed as though the last two years have super dragged by though is the few amount of physical changes I have bee experiencing.  As I am becoming much more clear on my realities of actually being a woman, I am also becoming far more aware that my body is not that of a typical woman's.  It's a hard thing as I don't hate my body, I don't feel as though I was born in the wrong body, and yet, I'm not thrilled by having a more typical masculine body.  Clothing makes me feel awesome as I can use it as camouflage. Nudity, yeah, not so awesome feeling.  Not horrible feeling, just not awesome feeling.

Though..... having changed my hormones has for sure affected my brain and my body for the best.  Mentally the changes have been profound.  My life finally makes sense to me.  Okay, maybe not entirely, but enough so, that it has allowed me to feel the best I have ever felt.  Being able to look back on things that have occurred and finally understanding them is so empowering and relaxing, I love it!

I also do love all of the physical changes that I have experienced.  Few as they may be, they are all super appreciated.  What sorts of changes have I experienced?  Drum roll please......... well, can we chat about the photo at the top of the page?  Wow!  I could not tell you at all  what has happened to me, but something sure as shit happened!  I am shocked to see those three photos together.  Okay, so in my opinion at least, I think that my face is appearing more feminine, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I really am.


Okay, what else..... small amounts of breast growth.  I definitely have breasts, though they are little.  That is the word my wife and I have decided on for their current descriptor.  It is hilarious though as back in 2015, I was actually able to create better "fake cleavage" than I am able to create real cleavage now.  It has something to do with how breasts sit on the chest wall compared to pectorals muscles.  Yeah, funny.  Well, I find it kind of sad funny, but hey let's stick with funny!  That'll be more fun, right??

Other than that there has been some fat redistribution to my butt.  My butt is currently the largest it has ever been.  And yes, I know.  I have been keeping body measurement records since I was about thirty.  Weird huh? Maybe.  However my wife and I lost quite a bit of weight back then and I stuck with measuring my body ever since.  It has been super handy in being able to see if any physical changes have actually been occurring.  So the measurements don't lie, and blue jeans don't lie either as they are definitely to fit my butt into!

Hmmm...... anything else I can think of??????   Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm......  oh, skin softening and less body hair.  My skin is slowly becoming thinner and softer.  It is also drying out a bit.  It has always been super thick and oily, all over, but that is no longer the case.  My chest hair is basically gone.  That could be due to the home IPL I used for a bit, and I know that some of it is from my most recent electrolysis appointments, but I think most of the loss was from changing my hormones.

In asking my wife, she reminded me that I have had muscular changes also.  My muscles are far less defined than they were before.  And they are far less capable!  Maybe it is just me and my lack of knowing how to properly work this new endocrine system, but wow! I really notice the lack of testosterone acting as a steroid upon my muscular system.  My muscles are less big, less strong, they have less endurance, and a longer recovery period.  So, yeah, that happened.

Okay, so.... I am thrilled at what changes I have had thus far.  It is way better than I could have ever hoped for by simply changing my hormones.  But...... did you feel the but coming????  I have some concerns.  I actually already stated that I have some doubts about what's been happening with me physically.  Not doubts about transition, gads no, doubts about if something more might be able to happen.

I explained my concerns to my therapist and coincidentally she happened to have lunch with a well known hormone providing doctor in Southern California about a day or two before.  I actually got my initial doctor because of my therapists referral, the two of them are friends.  And while my therapist and I both adore my current doctor and consider her to be a friend, she describes herself as a baby-catcher.  Meaning, she is first and foremost an OB/GYN.  Secondarily she also enjoys and is knowledgeable with working with the trans community.  My therapist and I both came to the conclusion that maybe it might be best to try and work with a hormone provider who has that as their primary focus, and are not quite so distracted with baby-catching.  She suggested that I call the doctor she had met for lunch and just see what she had to say.  Thus it was that I setup my appointment towards the end of June.

The doctor was great and had easily garnered my trust within the forty five minute appointment we had.  I basically told her my life story, I know, how did I manage within a 45 minute period?  It was rough! Especially with Jodie in the room to color the story as well.  Anywho...... by the end of the appointment I had decided to change my hormone provider to her.

She had a couple of appointments to do online and asked us to wait around, to which we gladly agreed.  Within about thirty minutes, her appointments done, I was laying down on her exam table with my hip exposed.  She was preparing to inject estrogen pellets under the flesh of my butt.  Scary!  Well, for me it was terrifying for sure!  But, I had just had my orchiectomy at the begging of this month and talk about a pretty terrifying and major body modification! Ha!  With the pellet implants I will eventually only have them injected 2 to 3 times per year.  Which is far better than replacing an ineffective patch every four days.

Oh, did I say ineffective?  Yeah, I did say that.  Well....... in my new doctors opinion, I have been a bit estrogen, and progesterone, starved.  For one, I have not been on progesterone.  This doctor's research is that it will either help, or not, but you don't need to wait more than a few months to begin taking it after starting with estrogen.  Speaking of estrogen..... her preference, what has been shown to work best with her vast number of trans clients, is to have estrogen levels vastly higher than what I have had thus far.

She suggested that all of the physical changes I have had thus far could possibly be due to simply not having testosterone.  It is a fascinating thought to think that maybe everything that has happened to me has had nothing to do with estrogen.  Her suggestion is to basically give me about five to six times the amount of estrogen I have been getting.  Which is a huge increase and quite intimidating to someone who has been listening to her previous doctor extol the vertues of a low estrogen treatment plan.  But over the last two years estrogen has become my best friend!  Which is why, I allowed her to place the estrogen pellets into me.  At the very least, I won't have to remember about patch-day anymore, and at the most....hmmmm...... who knows?  I do know that right now, a week later, I feel great! And I have no patches on!

I find myself, on my two year Estro-Versary, happily reflective and thoughtful about the future.  Two years ago, I was not ready to be where I am today, I had not learned enough.  Now, I'm thrilled about the choices I have made, and I am a better person because of them.  Regardless of what does, or does not, happen, I am thrilled with who I am.

As well, I am so thankful to my community.  At one point that was only my wife.  Through putting time, effort, energy, persistence, and dedication into myself, educated me about who I really am.  That knowledge gave me the strength to be brave, despite my doubts.  Bit by bit, person by person, I slowly came out, and lovingly, my community grew.  Family, friends, acquaintances, therapists, doctors, bosses, coworkers, students, parents, college professors, total strangers, and vast groups I am sure that I am forgetting have all been folded into my community.  The level of support I have received from all has been shockingly amazing and I will forever be eternally grateful.

So, uh, yeah, there ya go!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love each other, it matters!

TransCisTer Radio - My Podcast!

I don't remember when my friend Dana first mentioned to me the idea of she and I doing a podcast,  though I do know what my response was, sure!  I didn't really know a whole lot about podcasts, as I don't generally listen to many of them.  I understood the basics, it is like a radio show, and I have listened to plenty of talk radio in the past.  What I didn't know, was, how exactly does one produce a podcast.  No matter though, I so appreciate my friend Dana, and I'm always trying to find new ways to help educate the populace, thus the idea of one day, putting on a podcast appealed to me. 

My friend Dana is an awesome human.  I met her at my somewhat local LGBT+ resource center in Visalia, called The Source.  Dana runs the transgender support group at The Source.  She is a fabulous human who wanted to help bring some resources and support to the trans community of the Central Valley of California.  It became very apparent to her about the lack of transgender assistance in our area when it was obvious that her oldest child is transgender.  Life certainly changed when he transitioned at around fourteen or fifteen.  Yeah, as I said, she is an awesome human being! 

I certainly admire her, and thus I felt super honored when she asked me to do the podcast with her.  The one thing we both knew would be an issue, is when exactly are we going to find the time in our crazy lives to add in one more thing to do.  We were both super interested in doing this, but the reality of our lives is that they are truly super busy!  Both of us have full time jobs and then we tend to pile other various bits and pieces on top of it.  But I don't really think that to my loyal blogging community members I need to explain just how busy my life is.  You may notice from my super slow amount of blogging that I already have too much going on to possibly add anything else.  And you may possibly be right. 

Be that as it may, I am not going to let a little thing like not having enough time, dictate whether or not I am going to try and do a bit more for the transgender community.  The older I am becoming, and the longer I go into AT (after transition, as opposed to BT) the more I am understanding that I am an educator.  I've always understood that I have had a job as a teacher, but I have not always understood my relevance in the world as an educator.  Recently I have been able to have several opportunities to try and help educate about the transgender community, and possibly reach cis-gender humans!  That is faboo!  I mean, I love having so many readers from the trans community, it is truly quite lovely!  However, the trans community is super small, last estimate I heard was about 0.6% of the population.  Being so tiny, if we want to have equal rights, we need to have allies!  So, yeah, when I am presented with another opportunity to try and help educate about my favorite topic, then of course I will go for it! 

Eventually Dana and I did find some time to record ourselves.  Of course we had no idea of what we were really doing.  We did have a computer, a microphone, recording software, lots to say, and some time with each other to just chat.  And chat we did.  We babbled on for about two hours!  Thankfully, with some help from the fabulous Brian Poth, also from The Source, we were able to create a few episodes out of our blather.  Dana recorded some bumpers, and picked out some music.  I learned how to do editing and mixing.  And hey, what do you know, the next thing is that she and I have our very own podcast! 

Welcome to TransCisTer Radio!  Do you like the word play within that?  Brian and Dana came up with the name and graphic to go along with our show title.  Personally, I love it! 

So..... with all of that being said, I would truly appreciate you going and checking out our show.  It is also available through:  Stitcher, Google Play, Spotify, and iTunes!  Wow, it feels so official!  We currently have four episodes up.  The first three are the first time Dana and I recorded ourselves.  Surprisingly it works as three separate episodes.  Episode four is the first one where we tried to follow a somewhat standard format, with actual timed segments!  Wow! 

Things are moving along with this podcasting thing, apparently.  What type of schedule are Dana and I going to attempt to keep with this??  That's funny.  Schedule?  Ha!  She and I?  Yeah, probably not going to happen.  Unless we get famous, then maybe we could stick to a standard schedule!  Haha. 

As with most things that I find myself doing, I want you to know just how vast my insecurities are about doing it.  I have about ten years of blogging behind me at this point, but when I first put up this blog, I was terrified!  Now though, not so much, even with the increase of blog readers I have.  With podcasting, what am I the most insecure about?  Uhhh..... my voice.  I feel the best I have ever felt about my voice.  I currently am gendered properly over the phone, and even when I am not putting Herculean efforts into my appearance.  So, how I feel about my voice, and the realities of my voice are two different things.   Apparently the realities of my voice is that in hearing it, others take it to be feminine.  But, when I hear it, it does not sound feminine enough.  Which is where pretty much all of my insecurities lie, in that I am just not female enough, in my opinion.  Which basically means, I am unjustly, a super hard-assed bitch to myself, as most women are.  Ha-ha, her.... point being, is that even though I am super insecure about it, I am still trying to put myself out there.

Alrighty then!

Love you!

Love yourselves! 

Love facing your insecurities!

Love educating!

Love you!

Seriously, are you sure you're taking the time to love yourself properly? 

Orchiectomy - Hello Pain!!

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.  On a level of 1 to 10, can you describe the pain you are in?  1 is no pain at all and a 10 is the worst pain you have ever felt.  Where would I describe this pain?  Oh, in the 9-10 range.  I don't really think I have ever felt any pain like this before.  However, when I was asked this question yesterday in the hospital, I said, oh I don't know maybe a 5 or 6.  Why did I say that?  Well, I read once that doctors always hear people say that they are experiencing a level 11.  Thus doctors become desensitized to patients thoughts on pain.  I figured that the uncontrollable crying that happened when they asked me to sit up and get off of the gurney was some pretty solid evidence of the amount of pain that I was in. 

But, hey, I'm clearly ahead of myself aren't I?  Uhh.... just a little.  Okay then, let's back up.  I first considered getting an orchi awhile back.  I'm not sure when it first occurred to me, but I do not what precipitated it.  That was difficulties in getting my spironolactone, spiro for short.  Spiro is used to prevent the body from using the testosterone it produces.  When you are assigned male at birth but are actually a woman, generally you get placed onto two medications when you begin hormone therapy.  Spiro to block the testosterone and estrogen to give you what you should be getting. 

Anywho..... I, like most US citizens, tend to use CVS pharmacies to get my prescriptions filled.  Several times over the last two years I have encountered difficulties in getting my scrip for spiro filled.  One particular time the pharmacy I use told me that they would be unable to fill my scrip; they informed me that they were out of that medication.  They offered me nothing and gave me no assistance in finding a place to fill the scrip.  I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a totally anti-transgender move by the pharmacy.  I kind of got a clue when I tried phoning several different locations and none of them would fill my scrip.  I finally just drove across town to a different CVS, and spoke with that pharmacist.  He said, that yeah, they were indeed out of that medication but there were at least 3 or 4 other manufacturers of that type of medication that they could easily use to fill that scrip.  I walked out 5 minutes later with the scrip in hand. 

The thing was though, I totally panicked when I was struggling to get my scrip filled.  It was around then that I realized what a horrible feeling it was that other people were now in charge of my body.  They had the power to determine whether or not I would be on testosterone or not.  That really pissed me off, horribly so! 

It was around then as well that I started noticing the effects that spiro was having on my body.  Yes spiro stops the body from being able to utilize testosterone, but it also can increase the potassium in your body to dangerous levels, thus requiring frequent blood work to be examined.  It also lowers your blood pressure which increases the amount of being light headed and dizzy upon standing.  The other lovely thing is that it is a diuretic which means that I was constantly feeling dehydrated.  I would drink liquid all day but by the end of the day my skin was super dry and flaky and my lips were constantly peeling.  I would wake up every morning with such a super dry pasty mouth that it was painful. 

So, uh, yeah, there you go, oh and let's also throw in that the longer I am in therapy, the longer I am on hormone therapy, the more I am understanding my reality, I'm actually a girl.  And do you know what most girls don't have?  Testicles!  Yup, not so much!  Thus it was, I found a doctor who was willing to accept my cash, as my insurance will not cover such things.  Even though in the long run, it will save my insurance plan money.  How so?  They are paying for my spiro.  If I didn't get the orchi, I would be on spiro for the rest of my life, with my insurance paying for it for ever.  But if they would be willing to pay for the orchi, then no more spiro!  And yes it would have saved them money.  But no, they wouldn't pay. 

Okay, so whatevs..... I found a doctor in Philadelphia that I could afford and specializes in working with trans patients.  Thus it was I arrived in Philly earlier this week, and on Thursday I got my orchi.  The thing that shocked me the most was how much pain I was in when I woke from surgery.  I was not anticipating that.  I thought that I would be numb, but nope, I wasn't.  I was in pain.  And that sucked.  I spent the next hour or so crying trying to come to grips with the amount of discomfort I was in.  I got some food in me, and some soda, and some percocet.  That made it so I didn't care so much about the pain, but I still felt it. 

My doctor had picked me up in the morning, and took my wife and I to the hospital.  Once I was able, he drove us back to the hotel, and that is where I have been since.  I know that I will make it through this, and that it is the best thing for me, but for now, it just plain sucks.  I wish I was home.  I wish I could have had this procedure done at my local hospital and that right now I was recovering at my house, with my own things, and able to stay in my own bed.  Easily half of my discomfort right now is that I am staying in a hotel.  That sucks. 

This is but one of the dehumanizing things some of us trans people have to endure to be able to be who we are.  Kinda sucks.  Kinda really sucks actually.  Well for right now it does at least.  I know I will make it through, and I know I will be happier.  I just wish it was right now.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Don't love pain so much. 

Transition & The Loss of Friends

One of the most challenging questions I have had to deal with is trying to determine if I have lost friends because of my transition.  I am a member of a chat board called crossdressers.com and on that board people are very fond of saying that when you transition you need to be prepared to lose everyone and everything and thus they do not recommend transitioning unless it is a life and death situation.  That sentiment scared me off from transitioning for a long time, and now that I have actually transitioned I don't know if it is an accurate statement.

The humans at that site have other's best interest in mind in telling them that, as there are many who have transitioned and have lost everything.  Unfortunately it is not uncommon for people who transition to lose their family, friends, job, house, kids, everything and anything that you can think of.  I suppose that it is a good idea for people to be prepared for this possibility if they are to chose to transition.

Keep in mind, this is not to say that people are choosing to be transgender, that is something that you are born with or not.  What I am saying is that people can choose to transition or not.  There are many people out there that know they are trans, and that they will always be trans, however, they are not ready, willing, or able to transition.

Okay, so someone can choose to transition or not.  That is factual.  Now what will happen once someone does transition?  That is an unknown.  Nobody can say for sure what will or wont happen once somebody makes the choice.  And as I said, I suppose that people should be prepared for the worst when making this choice, however, it is my opinion that it is a detriment to tell people that it is inevitable that the worst will for sure happen.

One of my favorite shows is Deadliest Catch.  Have you ever seen it?  Do you know what it is about?  If you don't know, it is a show about catching crab in the Bering Sea.  Which is widely known as one of the deadliest jobs on the planet.  Anywho, when they get somebody new on the crab boat they refer to that person as a Greenhorn.  It is quite typical that the Greenhorn gets treated horribly.  And the boat captains encourage that behavior from the other members of the crew.  The Greenhorn gets the worst jobs, the most demanding jobs, and constantly takes loads of verbal and sometime physical abuse from the other crew members.  Inevitably many of the Greenhorns do not survive the entire season or return for more abuse for a second season.

Recently I saw a show where a psychologist was discussing the hazing that takes place aboard crab boats towards the Greenhorns.  The captain's positions were basically one of, the hazing of the newbies is a good thing because it helps to prepare them for the horrors that are crab fishing.  Crab fishing is a tough thing and people new to the job need to be abused in order to understand just how difficult the job is.  The psychologist basically completely disagreed with the methods the captains and the entire industry encourage.  She said that what it does is to make people feel worthless and more likely to not succeed in the profession.  And really, to truly help people become proficient in crab fishing, you need to encourage them, and not haze and berate them.

Hmm..... interesting thoughts.  Can these same thoughts be applied to being transgender?  Personally I think they can.  Is it a possibility that someone may die from crab fishing?  Yes.  But, you don't prepare them for that by treating them like garbage.  Thus applied to transgender humans, you don't prepare them for transition by treating them poorly.  What you may do is scare them off from transitioning.  Sadly some trans humans think this is a good thing.

Ummm..... yeah, I obviously disagree.  People don't need to be discouraged from transitioning.  Nor do they need to be encouraged to transition. What do they need?  They need to be supported in sorting out their own thoughts to determine if transition is necessary for themselves.  Do people need to be aware that there is a possibility that they may loose everything if they transition?  Sure.  But do people need to be aware that they may gain everything they have ever wanted by transitioning?  Yes they do.

Okay, long preamble huh?  Yes just a bit! LOL!  Back to the point of this post, how many friends have I lost due to transitioning?  Ummmm...... maybe two.  A married couple that my wife and I would hang with on occasion.  Yup.  I had my suspicions about whether or not the lack of contact from them was due to my transition.  Recently I met with the wife of the couple and it was pretty much confirmed that they have stopped wanting to hang out with us due to my transition.  Sad?  Yes.  Yes it is very sad to me that both my wife and I have lost them as friends due to me choosing to be true to who I have been born as.

Would it really have been better to not transition, stay miserable, and potentially keep these two people as friends?  Well, the reality is that while they were considered to be friends, possibly even somewhat close friends, we saw them maybe 4 or 5 times per year.  So..... I should have stayed miserable to spend possibly 5 sets of a few hours each per year with these people.  Ummm, big NO!  Nope, that is not worth it.

Besides, the reality of friendships is that they are constantly evolving.  Friends come and go throughout our lifetime.  I once read that within the next seven years you will loose half of all of your current friends.  Wow!  And that is without transitioning.  That is just because lives change.  Interests change.  People move.  People grow.  Friends die.  Things happen!  Should that prevent us from doing things that may cause us to lose people from our lives?

No.  No you should not allow the potential loss of anyone to cause you to be untrue to yourself.

For me, the loss of two people from my world has not impacted me in the least.  Well, okay, maybe it has a little bit.  I am bummed that those two people are so terrified of interacting with me at all that they are refusing our requests to have them over for dinner.  However, at the same time that I have lost those two people, I have gained many more people in my life.  Once I decided to come out, and then to transition, and to include as many people as I could, I have gained many more friends, and reconnected with many people I lost contact with long ago.

There are those who will inevitably say that I am the exception to the rule and people should not listen to me.  C'est La Vie! Don't then.  It wont bother me.  I truly cannot explain my transition, but I really don't think that it is all that unusual or spectacular.  What I can say is that throughout this process of coming out and then transitioning, I have learned much about myself and about other people.  What did I learn about myself?  That I am the single most transphobic person that I have ever met.

Yup, that's true.  I have been deathly afraid of myself being transgender because I was afraid of what that was going to mean for me and my life.  Because see, I have viewed being transgender as a bad thing.  What this has meant for me is that prior to dealing with this issue inside of myself, I thought that I had to deal with this issue in everybody else.  This made it so that I approached most people with a chip on my shoulder and an expectation that people needed to do something for me.  It was their job to prove to me that they were not transphobic.  Yeah, that set me up for lots of disappointment and heartache.  Thus, once I accepted my own internal feelings, I began to change how I interacted with others.  It changed things for the better.  When before I was seeing how awful people were, I began to see how fantastic people really are.  I understand that not everybody is fantastic and accepting, but the vast majority really are fabulous.

So, maybe it is that which has caused my transgender experience to be different than many others.  I truly don't know.  I do know that my transition has been fantastic.  Really I have had nothing to complain about.  Well, except for maybe how difficult and challenging the medical and insurance community has made it for trans people.  When a cis person can get the same surgery as a trans person without having to pass a bevy of hoops placed before them, then that really does suck.  But even that is changing.  Slowly, but it is changing.  Okay, so, other than that, my transition has been great.

No, it's not because I live in California and that is the land of beaches, sunshine, hippies, and happy loving acceptance.  The cities are more that way, but the rural portions, most of California, are highly conservative.  Possibly more conservative than some areas of the US as a rebuttal to the hippy commune cities effects.  I myself live in one of the most conservative areas.  I also transitioned while on the the job as a middle school teacher in a highly conservative school district, which does not offer any kind of insurance for trans people.  Yes I did take my employer to the EEOC, but am still happily employed by them.  My wife did at one time say that if I ever transitioned she would leave me.  My sister once told me that she knew all about trans people but didn't really want to discuss "those" people with me.

So..... I had a few things working against me.  But I did have one certain thing going for me, which is my unflappable determination that this is what was right for me, and that I knew I could do this and have the support from those around me.  And now, being about two to three weeks away from ending my 23rd year of teaching, but the first as myself, I can say, guess what?  I was right.  I could do this.  And in the end, what can I see has happened?  The loss of two narrow minded people from my world?  Wow, huge loss!  Um, no, not so much.

If you are reading this and have yet to take the transition plunge, but have decided that it is inevitable, what should you take from this?  The onus of responsibility to make sure that your transition goes the way you want it to go, is upon yourself, and only yourself.  You can do this, but it will take time, effort, energy, persistence, and dedication.  Notice that I am placing all responsibility for how it goes upon your shoulders?  Well, yeah, that is how I do things.  Basically because guess what?  I can only ever control me.  I can't force anyone else to do anything, but I can force myself to do just about anything.  And you can to.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Time, effort, energy, persistence, and dedication!



photo credits:
https://www.mcrdsd.marines.mil/News/Photos/igphoto/2000948602/
https://www.af.mil/News/Commentaries/Display/Article/141608/coping-with-loss/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/yamagatacamille/4950172129
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychedelic_trance