Thanks for the Thought

Since I have begun coming out to people I have observed an interesting phenomena occurring with some of them.  This thing that I have observed does not take away from what I consider to be super  nice responses from everyone I have ever told and I have really been touched by all of them.  What I have seen is a protectiveness from them towards me.  Which is also super sweet that they would care about me.  But I think their caring comes out in an interesting way.

One of the early incidents that I can remember, I was in the process of telling a couple about me being transgender.  I wrote the description up here.  The thing I thought was interesting when they asked me about telling our other friend and stated that maybe it would not go so well.

When I did actually tell my other friend, he was totally fine with it.  But he was actually worried about what would happen if I told the original couple!  

The second time that I can distinctly remember is when Jules and I were recently visiting a couple we are close friends with.  While there we all went out to dinner and met up with a relative of theirs.  Jules and I have met all of these people many times in the past, but I am only really out to the couple.  So it was kind of amusing for me when one of their relatives began questioning me about having my nails painted.  I found the conversation quite entertaining and for the relative to be quite nice and understanding, but apparently the couple I was with were terrified!  They were freaking out that their sister was going to become kind of unhinged and hurt me in some way.

Nothing actually did happen other than she and I chatting about having my nails painted.  We were at dinner and though I felt like explaining to her that I am transgender, I didn't think that at that dinner, at that table, or at that time was appropriate.  So we just chatted politely about me having my nails painted.  The next day though she texted the couple and asked if I was transgender or gay.  I told them to tell her that I am transgender and she replied, cool.  And that was about it.

The third, and latest time has yet to be fully panned out.  I was hanging out with a friend who I often hunt with.  I told him that I am transgender about 6 months ago or so.  He has been totally fine with it and in fact we have begun hanging out a bit more since then.  I saw him just the other day and he invited me to a private shooting event at a nearby ranch where we live.  But he wanted to make sure that I understood that it was a real "good ole boy" event and then stated quite bluntly that he does not know what they would do if I showed up to the event with my fingernails painted.  

The thing that I think is interesting about these three examples is that these people have all said the same thing to me.  They state that they are fine with what I do, but they are not sure how someone they know would react to it.  And that reaction might be bad.  And they don't want me to get hurt.  

And.... I don't know if this is actually nice behavior.  

I suppose the reality is, that while many people, all people that I have talked to, are very nice and kind and supportive, being transgender is still, on some sort of basic prime level of existence, a very uncommon thing for most people.  So while most people like to think of themselves as open minded, they often think of others as being close minded.

And there are a couple of things about that.  One is that when you think other people are going to be negative about something it goes past that to watch out because that person will be negative about that.  The second thing is that it suggests that maybe there is something wrong with being transgender.  Like my last friend, I kind of got the impression that if I chose not to take off my polish, then I should not go to the ranch shoot.

While I appreciate those that have been very supportive of me, I have not appreciated hearing about how they view other people.  But, then again, it has made me very appreciative of being transgender and mostly out to everyone, regardless of the consequences!  Because only by doing so have I been able to see past what I think people will do and I get to experience what people actually do.

It is easy to be afraid.

All you have to do is nothing.

Although it is sad that is all you'll ever have.

Too bad.


photo credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/psd/2086641
http://behindinfinity.deviantart.com/art/Tuxedo-Team-Thanks-You-69128856
https://www.flickr.com/photos/pictoquotes/15597360706

Outfit with Male Jeans

Sweater - White House Black Market - Similar

Jeans - Guess - Similar (male)

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Shoes - Saucony - Similar

We were in Kenosha, Wisconsin, on the shores of Lake Michigan and the wind was whipping in off of the lake.  The temperature difference between there and where we boarded our plane was immense!  Our flight into the area had a 40 lb limit on checked suitcases and thus when I looked into my suitcase for my female jeans it turned out I had removed them to cut weight.  Oops!

Jules convinced me that I should just suck it up and where my guy jeans.  I was mentally very reluctant to do that.  Not because I have big problem with mixing the genders of clothes that I wear, I do that all the time actually, but rather I still have this idea that if I don't do ______ or _______ then everyone is going to notice.  Then I will finally be torched and pitchforked by the general masses while they chant, kill the monster!  And while I do wear a mix of male and female clothes, I don't know if I have ever done that while presenting as a woman.  If so, then not very often.  And certainly never before in Kenosha, WI!

But it was wear the male jeans, or an above knee skirt.  I checked again on the wind whipping in off of the lake (which btw I finally have an understanding of why they are called the Great Lakes!) and I chose the jeans.  So above is the resulting outfit.  Funny huh?  Well, maybe only to me!

Hope you are all well!

Love ya!

My First Flight - cancelled

I fretted and fretted and in the end, possibly just that very day, Jules and I left our house, with me dressed as a woman heading off to catch our first of six planes.  Above I am pictured sitting in the airport waiting to board our plane.  I think I look completely elated because I am!  At this point in the journey we were in the airport and past security!

While I have been out many, many, many times while dressed as a woman, each new situation is an absolutely terrifying affair.  Thus I was freaking out about going through security.  I was flying out of Fresno, which is a pretty small town airport.  Plus it has been at least ten years since I have flown anywhere.  But obviously, being dressed as a woman, and going through TSA, which I take very seriously, made me almost petrified!

In the end, I made sure to double check that all of my luggage was in order and that I had on an easy outfit, shorts, a tunic, and tennis shoes.  I walked up to the TSA agent, just like any other normal person, presented my ID and boarding pass, smiled, and waited.  He looked at my papers, and at me.  I smiled again.  He looked at my ID and signed off.  While handing my papers back to me, he just sort of shook his head and muttered "bless your heart."

I was on and past him!  Woo-hoo!!  Yay!  I prepared all of my stuff to go through the x-ray machine and prepared to go through the body scan.  Jules was ahead of me and while standing on the other side waiting for her scan to clear, she watched as a TSA agent came up to the lady performing the scan.  He stated to her, "that blond is a guy!"  She didn't flinch and just waved me into the machine.  She asked me to step out, asked if it was okay to pat me in a couple of places on my back, cleared me and I was off to gather my things.

Absolutely elated, Jules and I walked off to find our gate. Which is where the above picture was taken.  Our flight ended up being delayed, but I hardly noticed the time at all.  I was just giddy.  Eventually we boarded the plane.  Where I snapped this shot:

I was so thrilled to actually be on a plane and waiting for my first flight while dressed as a woman.  Unfortunately our flight was delayed again.  I still had faith that everything would be okay, up until the point at which they stated the flight had been cancelled.  They also were not going to reschedule the flight until the next morning!  Ugh!  SO much for small town airports.

Because we had our next flight scheduled to leave from Las Vegas at 8 the next morning, there was only one thing left to do, and that was to drive there.  Further unfortunate pitfalls befell me as I noticed that while on the no defunct plane, my purse got chocolate on it and it got smeared onto my dry clean only white tunic.  Ugh!  Flying!

After getting back our luggage we hopped into the car and began our drive.  We began our overnight drive at 8pm.  It took us about 7 hours but amazingly we were able to get to Vegas with a few hours to spare.  Being as Jules had already reserved our hotel room, we thought it best to at least stop in, take a shower, and change our clothes.

I am sure that I looked lovely at 3am walking up to the hotel registration line.  Which if you don't know about Vegas, there is often a line.  We waited for about a half hour before we were checked in and on our way to our room.

The first flight of our trip, and the first flight for me dressed as a woman, had been cancelled.  Lucky for me, while I did not get any sleep that night, I did get a shower, a shave, a change of clothes, and another opportunity.

Love you!

Outfit with a White Skirt

Sweater - Michael Kors - Similar

Tank - Charlotte Russe - Similar

Skirt - Iris Los Angeles - Similar

Shoes - Taryn - Similar 

I totally forget what I wore this outfit for specifically.  I know I wore it when I took the photos for showing how I do contouring, but I actually went out and did something on this day and I have no idea what it was!  How funny!

Anywho.... I like this outfit.  Although I am still trying to figure out how best to wear this sweater.  I love the colors fully!  But I am not very comfortable with open draped cardigans.  With them hanging down so low they tend to make outfits look overly bulky.  But I think that with the white skirt and the dark colors of the sweater contrasting so well that it allows for the sweater to be very distinct.  With a darker color bottom it would blend together with the sweater and make the whole outfit look like a giant blob!

So.... that's good, that I don't think I look like a giant blob!  There is that!

I also like the white skirt.  It is my style, super tight.  And about the length that I prefer; hitting me at about the knee.  Also, it only cost me $10.99.  I acquired it from a store called Papaya.  I like to stop in and peruse that store because it has so many clothes!  Well, to be honest, I have only been in one of them, at the Livermore Outlets.  And that particular store is packed full!  The vast majority of items are not of super high quality, but at the prices they are sold for, I don't really care.

Something you can't tell from my photos is that I am wearing a compression undergarment.  Because the skirt is white, I choose to wear nude colored undergarments.  Even if you wear white underwear, with white on top, you can totally tell, the best combo with white, is nude underneath!  Just a little tip for you all.

Love you!

Love yourself!

An Important Reader Comment

Sculpture by Charles Ray shown at The Art Institute of Chicago

Sometimes I feel like the statue above.  Alone and naked, baring my soul for the world to examine.  Thus it is so touching when those of you who find yourselves in similar positions reach out and let me know that I am not alone.  That there are many others out there.

The following is a comment that I wanted to make sure got the voice that it deserves:

Hi Nadine, I commented on your most recent entry on the balance of power, but felt it would be helpful to share a thought here as well. My husband and I read your blog and as I said before, we find it helpful and comforting to see we are not alone. He is transgender, I have known for 10 years now and we have been married almost 20. It has not been easy but we are here, love each other very much and really like being together! Much like you and Jules. So often stories of couples seem to be very negative or just end and end badly. My husband lies along the gender spectrum and transitioning is not what he wants to do. Hence, the presence of folks along the spectrum. Folks like us, you, him are out there-just not enough stories. Reading your blog along with a couple others I have found have given me the courage to reach out and perhaps comfort myself, and reassure others that through this journey, there is optimism and good. I also wanted to let other spouses know they're not alone. You have a wonderful blog for folks! My husband most recently has struggled with a similar dilemma - dysphoria over aligning mentally and perhaps physically with how he feels. Not sure if I explained that right but in any case, he has decided that low dose hrt may be a reasonable option. The physical changes while they may be slight when they occur would be welcome by him but they scare me and him to some degree. That said, we have seen a doctor and spoken about our concerns, etc. I know that this may be the best option for him especially mentally. We continue to communicate and even with our fears-never perfect is it? - we are here and know we want to be here together! Anyway, I hope this helps. Helps us and your experiment is healthy and has given us insight. You too I hope! 
Take care, V

This is such a powerful comment.  I very much appreciate you taking the time V to reach out and leave such a moving note.  It touched me very deeply.

And I think it is important to share here to try and make sure that everyone gets a chance to read it.  It is important to know that we are not alone.  That each of us is an individual, but not a lonely anomaly.  There are lots of us out there, and it is important that we know we are not alone.

Reach out.

Connect with others.

Connect with yourself.

And connect with others.

Love you.

Thanks V!

Return to The Balance of Power

A week or two ago, I published a post about how I was going to approach an upcoming trip.  Due to the wonders of blogging I actually wrote that post before my travel occurred, and it did not actually get published until about ten days after I had already left.  My entire trip was from about the 13th of July to the 25th, I was home for a night and then off the next day for a 6 day work training.  I basically ended up being gone for about three weeks total.

Thrilling huh?  Maybe not exactly, but I did want to try and provide some sort of continuity between the post of July 23rd and this one.  In that post I stated:

And thus my concern about my trip back east.  I really don't know what I am going to do.  My two options are to go but to not bring any female clothes at all and do the whole trip totally male, or I could bring female items and dress when I can.  Both options worry me and as of right now, I really don't know what would be best.

I wanted to let you all know that I thrillingly chose to not only bring my females clothes along, but actually dress as female for several of the days on our trip.  It turned out great, and I will be publishing some upcoming posts regrading individual aspects of my traveling, like my first flight as Nadine!

Before I left I ended up realizing that I really need to be mindful to balance myself.  Thus the picture at the top of this post is of me standing at the side of the road in Illinois and the picture directly above this is of the next day.

I think all in all I spent 5 days dressed as a woman, and 14 days dressed as a male.  Also I went 6 days without my fingernails polished and 13 days with them polished.  In general I think it felt fairly well balanced.  And that is good.  I get frightened when things don't feel well balanced.

When I loose sight of my enjoyment of being male and all I long for is being female, it is scary.  One may think that the one can control this by simply presenting male and try to realize that I enjoy it.  Oh if only it were so easy.  Sounds simple.  Dress male, be happy.  The only problem is that while doing that, I frequently long for the ability to do it while dressed as a woman.  That makes me think, maybe I should take the plunge.  Maybe I should consider living full time as a woman.  And that scares me, because I know it is not true.  I don't want that.  I know I don't want that.  But I only know I don't want to do it full time when I get to do for an extended period of time.

I didn't get to dress for days on end, as long as I so wished.  But I did allow myself to continue to do me.  And me is not full time one or the other.

Balance.

It's important for me.

I think it is important for all of us.

Love yourself.

Outfit for 100 Degrees!

Tank - Calvin Klein

Pants - Papaya - Similar

Shoes - G by Guess - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

It was predicted to be a bit cooler of a day; only 100 degrees!  But hey, it is a dry heat!  Hah!  Try that in a wig that basically amounts to the same thing as a fleece cap.  Gosh.  Anywho.... I obviously chose this outfit to help combat the effects of a pretty warm day.

I really enjoyed the cooling aspects of this look.  I don't know if I have ever worn just a tank top while out before.  In general, tanks don't do my body shape any benefits.  While I agree that I am in pretty good shape, I do not possess the body shape I would like to have.  I would love to have a nice curve in to my waist, giving me a little curve, I would probably even be happy to just have a totally flat stomach.  Thus in this outfit, with this tight of a tank, I am not happy with it showing the tiny little belly pooch and the bit of extra above my hips, with that ever so tiny flat tire effect.

Isn't that just a bit crazy?  What was Jules' comment about my outfit?  That it was an outfit for skinny people.  And what is going on in my mind?  My insecurities about areas that I think aren't skinny enough.  Hmmm.................

Okay... enough of that!

 

I really like these pants.  They are a totally new thing to me.  I don't have anything else like them.  They are super light weight and a pleasure to wear.  I like the flare at the bottom that really spreads out while walking.  It is kind of neat that at times they appear as a dress, but have the convenience of pants.  Like at the nail salon I was able to just role them up.  Super convenient.  Jules said that she like how they made my butt look.  But I think that has more to do with the Spanx I have on.

The thing about this outfit, as with many summer outfits, is that really is not much to it.  There is not much fabric to help obscure things, or change things, or emphasize things.  Thus, my arms are out, my torso is clearly shown, and my lack of hips are utterly obvious.  But I felt cute.  And it was the perfect outfit for the weather.

Watch out for that heat!

But still get out there!