Wow, I have been avoiding responding well to this comment, and I am so sorry! I think that I have been avoiding it because I don't think I will have good answers. Ahh... my own insecurities bounding to the forefront again, huh? It's just that what is written in this readers comment is so important and I wish I had some sort of magic that could help. Okay..... here we go!!
I've posted here before, and asked a question or two, and as another wife I wanted to say I think you both look like you're really fighting for your bliss. You're so peaceful together and clearly made for each other, and you're both super cute. Jules, you are what Nadine aspires to, I can tell!) :)
Anyway, I wanted to ask if it helps that Jules is bisexual? I'm heterosexual. And while I appreciate how close you both are to each other, in the photos where you're both dressed as women I see lesbian partners or two close friends, not husband and wife. Jules, are you okay with that? I know I didn't sign on for that when I got married. It makes me a little sad actually. I don't know why. My husband cross dresses for different reasons than Nadines (he's not transgender). But still....
Thank you for the complements!!
Okay, lets see..... you mention that your husband cross dresses for different reasons; that he's not transgender. There is apparently more than one definition for transgender, but the one I ascribe to is that of being an umbrella term that covers everyone with any type of gender variance. Thus personally, I do see your husband as being transgender.
But keep in mind that by identifying as transgender does not imply that one is going to transition. And maybe that is where you think the difference between your husband and myself lies? I think all of us humans are born somewhere within the gender spectrum, from typical female to typical male and every possible place in between. Most times people's bodies align with where our brain perceives us to be on this spectrum, and some times it does not. If that perception is far off enough, then a need to transition arises. Transition, as I see it, is living as the opposite gender, full time, and it may or may not include hormonal changes and or physical changes.For much of the past year, I have been greatly struggling with trying to understand where I am mentally on the gender spectrum. By allowing myself to consider transitioning has helped me to understand that I am not that far down the gender spectrum, but I am further than maybe I had realized. Maybe that is what you see as the difference between myself and your husband??
Alright, let's focus on this paragraph now:
Anyway, I wanted to ask if it helps that Jules is bisexual? I'm heterosexual. And while I appreciate how close you both are to each other, in the photos where you're both dressed as women I see lesbian partners or two close friends, not husband and wife. Jules, are you okay with that? I know I didn't sign on for that when I got married. It makes me a little sad actually. I don't know why. My husband cross dresses for different reasons than Nadines (he's not transgender). But still....
Really, I think this is Jules' question to answer and I will ask her to respond, but I'll give it a shot in the mean time!
I personally think Jules is me-sexual. Meaning, she loves me, she likes me, she wants me. So to her, it doesn't really matter how I am dressing, she sees me. But, it does matter how I am behaving. So if I am behaving oddly, which is not me, then it makes her uncomfortable. And why wouldn't it? Anyone behaving weirdly is uncomfortable to be around! When I first began dressing up fully around her, I was super insecure and that threw her off, because that is just not me. Once I figured out that my insecurities came from within me, and stopped placing them onto her, I became able to just be me, regardless of what I am wearing.
Thus in our photos, I see us. I see Jules and me. Who happened to be married. So while I don't see husband and wife in the photos, I see spouses. People who have agreed to struggle together. For that is what a marriage is, isn't it? A willingness to struggle together?
Your question though does pose interesting, and often uncomfortable thoughts. Most pressingly, I think, is the idea of falling in love with the physical person, or the mental person. It is pressed upon us to not be vain, and that true love comes from loving the person inside, and not just the outer surface. But this is difficult when you are also mixing in one's sexuality preferences. Jules happens to prefer either gender, and I happen to only prefer the female gender.
So I have posed a similar question to she and I for discussion. Would I be okay if she decided to dress as a man? And the answer has always been, if it would actually make her happy to do so, then of course yes! Am I attracted to males? No, not in the least! But I am attracted to her, and I am especially attracted to her when she is happy.
Thus I feel so bad for you that you appear so unhappy in your situation. Unfortunately I think that the revealing of ones status as transgender within a relationship can exacerbate existing problems. Which is what it has done even with mine, even though Jules has known about my preferences since the start.
What has held us together through all of this? Honestly, my insistence upon communication. It has been a priority of mine since before I met Jules and it is something that I worked hard to force into our relationship. The other half of that? Jules' willingness to work hard at communicating as well. It honestly has not been easy, or smooth sailing, or blissful honest lovey-dovey happy happy joy joy! It has been hard, uncomfortable, and at times down right terrifying.
And so far, to date, what has it really been? The most rich, totally filled, love that I could never have imagined. To say, even ten years ago that I had an understanding of what love means, would be foolish and wrong. It's been almost thirty years for Jules and I, and every year I am more aware of the depths of love.
Love you!
Love yourself!
Love others!
Photo Credits:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:-LOVE-love-36983825-1680-1050.jpg
http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=19320&picture=heart-of-love
https://www.flickr.com/photos/anabadili/6137924233
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/6928044842
I thought my perspective on this might be helpful Nadine. As you and Jules and me and my wife have been out together and separately, when I see you two, I DO see a husband and wife. A cross dressing husband, but that's it.
ReplyDeleteI'll add that I also thought that Jules being bi might be helpful int he relationship but my wife is hetero and she's ok with cross dressing and going out with me. My wife has said that my cross dressings not a reflection her nor is it a negative reflection of me, so why should she be bothered by it?
Hi. I'm the wife who originally posted these thoughts. Nadine has answered very clearly and as expected, her and Jules have an unbreakable bond. It sounds as though you and your wife do too? But your wife is like me, and not bisexual? I do struggle with the imagery of a crossdressed man and I guess I do still see Nadine and Jules as two women. My husband will always be my husband in my eyes, but when dressed I can't feel attracted to him. I guess that's the part that saddens me.
DeleteAnyway, I like how your wife views all this - that it's not a reflection on her. I guess I worry about this aspect - what will people think? Yet, logically, I know they'll think 'there's a lady hanging with a crossdresser'. Only, I watched a documentary on transvestites once and a wife accompanied her crossdressed husband out to dinner and they were both mocked endlessly on the walk back to the car by some young women. He took the mocking, while the women were very surprised the wife supported the behavior. I think the wife, at that point, wanted to disappear. So does it really not reflect on us? And why do I even care what others think? I'm lucky my husband isn't a public dresser but even so, it's not fair how people view crossdressers. This why I like this blog. Nadine and Jules help normalize this for me, and it's less lonely knowing others are going through this.
Thanks for your input.
This is a brilliant post Nadine. Thank you. Especially for that middle paragraph about how feeling insecure and self conscious, or behaving oddly (or 'not you')when dressed (or even when not) can make your partner uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post, Nadine. Your life reflects mine in so many ways. My wife describes herself as a me-sexual. That was a little hard to maintain when I started cross-dressing and discussing transition, because she didn't identify as bisexual. But she stuck it out, and has come to love my femme qualities.
ReplyDeleteI spent a while trying to figure out how to act, to better reflect the changes in my gender. I was doing too much all at once, and it came across like a bad drag act. My wife HATED that, and I cringe every time I look back to that period of my life. I took a step back, and took a more moderate approach. Over time, I've culled certain behaviors that I associate with toxic masculinity and added a few that I'd silenced in the name of conforming to masculine norms. For the most part, though, I'm the same person. The same person that my wife loves. The same person that I love. Just prettier. ;)
A wonderful, refreshing post - thank you Nadine!! Communication is the key. Though in my case the credit goes all to my wife, who has to drag it out of me kicking and screaming sometimes (I have gotten better ... I think). Thank you for being a rationale voice in our community.
ReplyDeleteThanks again sharing. The truth is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteClare B