Update on Wearing a Bra

The other day I stated to Jules "Oh yay! Finally!"

She questioned what was going on.

I responded with "I so do NOT want to put this dang bra on."

She laughed.

And I continued "But, to drive the point home, I am going to still do it."

This conversation is a good example of how my bra experiment is going.  If you do not remember, in a previous post, I mentioned that I am trying to wear a bra while dressed as a guy.  The main reason behind this is that I have been contemplating what it would be like to live my life with a body that is a bit more of a blend of the two genders.  More specifically, what would it be like to live my life if I actually developed breasts.

What a cute bra!!! I want it!!

I have no intentions of transitioning, or of even attempting to live more of my life dressed as a woman, but just in my mind, I see myself as a mix between the genders, and when I look at my body I do NOT see a mix of the genders.  Plus Jules and I have been discussing some possible mental benefits of taking hormones.  On occasion I have difficulty with feeling.... I don't know.... satisfied???  ... content???  I don't think I am describing it well...so anywho.... some of the mental benefits of taking hormones have been the most interesting for me.  Some of the body changes, I am WAY more frightened of.  What exactly would my life be like if I had my own, real, actual boobs!

And after only about two weeks, I have come to the conclusion of I DO NOT want real boobs.  Okay, well maybe I want real boobs, but I DO NOT want real boobs even more.  Most specifically because of their permanence.

See...the thing is... that even during these two weeks, I have taken off my bra repeatedly.  I have not worn it while sleeping, nor while swimming, or at the lake, or specific times, interacting with certain people.  Most of those things, I don't care about.... the one that does is me taking it off to interact with certain people.  I still wore 100% female clothes, and went and interacted with them, but I personally chose to not wear the bra.  (Even at an almost no padded, A cup bra, it really makes me look like I have small breasts.)  And when I went and talked with acquaintances, while I felt totally fine and comfortable wearing my female, tank top, short shorts, and shoes, I did not feel comfortable looking like I had breasts.

It also made me think about work, and what would things be like at there?  What I am currently doing gives me very small A cup breasts.  And they are incredibly noticeable!  Like all the time.  Maybe if I chose to wear guy clothes it could potentially help hide it, but not by much.  And when you choose to take steps to create real breasts, unless it is done surgically, you do not get to dictate the size.

So... I chose to take it off on occasion... and actual real breasts are NOT removable... therefore.... I do not want to have my own breasts.  I like the freedom of being able to look like I do not have breasts or that I do have breasts, if I want to.

Sometimes it drives me bonkers thinking about this stuff so much; I often wonder what it feels like to never question your gender.  But at the same time... by continually questioning myself, and experimenting here and there... I feel closer and closer to really knowing who I am and what I like.

I am enjoying the experiment.

I am enjoying the feeling of being tired of wearing a bra.

Too often in my life I feel a pulling... a tugging... a nudging... pushing me to try and be more feminine.  It is like a lightly buzzing sound coming from the ceiling above your favorite warm fuzzy chair.  You are all snuggled up nicely in your yummy chair and yet, there is a small annoying sounding buzz coming from somewhere hidden and try as you might you just can't quite figure out where it is coming from and how the hell to get it to stop!

And so I come up with an experiment to try out having breasts and the current result is that I already have turned that annoying little buzz that says...hey be a bit more feminine... is now saying... hey can we please bit a bit more masculine. Thus confirming a previous theory of mine, I feel best somewhere in the middle.  Too much of one or the other and it begins to bug me.

Thus... I am tired of wearing a bra... but I like being tired of wearing a bra...

Sometimes I think I am SO weird!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Do you allow yourself the freedom to experiment and figure out who you are?




http://lightdrafter.deviantart.com/art/bra-shop-482906111
https://www.flickr.com/photos/kidicarus222/122364941
https://www.flickr.com/photos/thisparticulargreg/220942750/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/srsalme/3426442407
https://www.flickr.com/photos/danakin/5386070186

Dress With Back Cutouts

Dress - Papaya - Similar - Similar

Shoes - Taryn Rose - Similar

Have you ever been into Papaya?  Jules really does not like going into that store.  She feels it is geared towards younger people.  But I can find an occasional thing or two if I look hard enough.  The thing I really like about that store are the prices!  This particular dress was only about ten dollars.

It was quite amusing while in the dressing room.  The thing about inexpensive stores is that they tend to have inexpensive dressing rooms.  So I am in the room, mostly undressed, wig off, and trying on clothes.  When I got to this dress, they had clipped the security tag on through both the front and the back of the garment.  I assessed the situation, and checked out the price tag; ten dollars.  I really could not see myself putting everything back on, going to the counter, having them remove the tag, and then going back to the dressing room just to have to take everything off again.

Obviously I had to buy it.  I mean come on look at the back of this dress!  Lucky for me, I think it fits quite well.  And what a steal at ten bucks!

I am trying to force myself to wear my black hair at least some of the time that I get out and about.  On this particular day Jules and I went to the movies to go see Jurassic World.  I still remember when she and I went and saw the first one.  I enjoyed that one more; it was so new.  This one was better than number two and three though.

I like the change up of having the different hair.  Jules asked what I thought of it and I said I liked it, but I have a hard time with it as it doesn't match up with the picture I am trying to create.  Which is so weird!  It is like I am trying to create an image when I cross dress and not actually be a real person.  Thus when I change that image I don't fit my own image of myself.

I think this warrants a longer discussion.

Okay.  Love you.

Hope you all are well.

Thanks for visiting!

Outfit for Shopping!

Skirt - Guess - Similar

Tank - Patty Boutique

Sweater - Jones of New York - Similar

Shoes - Saucony - Similar

I recently had an opportunity to stop off at my favorite outlet mall in Livermore, CA and this is what I decided to wear.  When I go shopping, I like to go with simplicity in what I am wearing.  That way it is easier to try on everything.  And when I am at an outlet mall, I do a lot of trying on.  Easily I try on 3-4 times as much as what I tend to buy.

On this shopping trip I had a goal of buying solid colored items to be able to wear with my many different patterned items.  It was a surprisingly difficult thing to so.  Most of what I found were tank tops.  Really nice tank tops, but still just tank tops.  I think the quest to find more solid colored tops is going to take awhile longer than I thought!

I also wanted to make sure that I mentioned that I visit just about every store in the mall.  Well, at one time or another I have at least.  I just wanted to point this out as sometimes I have been asked about which store are TG friendly.  My response is to say that all of them are TG friendly.  To which some people respond that it must be that I pass so well that everyone just takes me for a woman!  Ahh--- so nice for you to say but alas that is not the truth.  Even if they are confused about my gender, they are quite clear when I use my male credit card and my male driver's license.  After that point they know for sure that I am a male.

And which store has refused to give my service?  None.  Ever.  And which stores have treated me differently once they have seen my ID?  None!  And how about which ones have refused for me to use my male credit card?  None!

Now that is not to say that some stores give better customer service than others, because that is totally true.  I have my faves, like WHBM and Max Studio and Coach, but I have never gotten bad or weird feelings while shopping.  Seriously that would be stupid for any store to do.

Why would they not want to take your money?

Get out there folks.

Shop.

Love you.

Love shopping!

Love yourself!

Internet Tidbits for this Week

Could you imagine spending a night at this place?  Wow!

Have you ever thought about cross dressing but have yet to bring yourself to try it.  An interesting article on the benefits of giving it a whirl!

Is there a difference between self care and self comfort?  I often find myself swaying back and forth between the two states and I often find it difficult to determine which one I am doing.

I think I have probably seen about 90% of these movies.  How many do you think you have seen?

I often think I am such a socially polite person and yet, doing what I do, I know that I must be ruffling some people's feathers.  But, can we really be expected to never make others around us uncomfortable, especially when we don't even know what that may be?

These are amazing astro photos.  I have a pretty nice camera and a pretty nice telescope and have been thinking about trying to get the two of them together sometime.  I think that would be pretty cool!  Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing?

I have a theory about violence in our society.  It is interesting in how difficult it is to find good, reliable, sourced evidence for any theory.  I have seen a few things around that seem to dispute some societal myths that I have believed in for my entire life.  I do not mean to minimize anyone's personal experience of violence, any happening is too much.  But I am tired of many TG folks thinking that they need to be afraid because of the high percentage of violence experienced by the TG community.  I have been trying to find good reliable, sourced facts and here is one that is interesting in its conclusions.

A Night Out

Dress- White House/Black Market- similar

Shoes- Merona- similar

Nadine and I went out for a great evening of comedy to see Eddie Izzard. Although it was an evening concert, I knew it was going to be warm if not hot so I opted to wear a dress.

I love this dress for several reasons. First, I like that it is sleeveless. I feel so comfortable with my arms out ans free, especially when its warm. Second, the stripes are flattering, which is odd because they are horizontal. Yet they help to accentuate my waist. Last, I love this color pink. It is sort of a dusty pink which I think is a good color pink for me and there is not too much of it. The wrong pink or too much pink washes me out because of my skin color.

The purple flats I am wearing are my favorite flats. I love purple, and these flats are such a great pop of color with so many outfits. They are faux suede and have a cute bow on the front. I can wear them with shorts, dresses, or pants. I wear them often enough that I know they will wear out sooner than I'd like. 

You may notice the bandage on my leg. That is from the surgery I had on May 29th to remove the plate and 10 or so screws from my tibia. It is healing well and will be good to go sooner than later, 

When Does It Pass Gender Non-Conforming?

The heat has hit here in California and I am currently staring at a thermometer reading of 105!  For the past few summers it has occurred to me that I absolutely hate guy shorts!  I was explaining my issues with male shorts to my sister and she came up with the term of "shants."  I was calling them half pants, but shants has a much nicer ring to it!  Thanks sis!

I think it may have been just a year ago that I decided to go with my enjoyment of female shorts and stop changing out of them every time I decided to go into town.  Thus I have mentally pushed myself to just wear the clothes I am wearing, regardless of where I am going.  Frequently that means, I wear females shorts, a female tank top, my female shoes, and a male hat.

This summer though I decided to include wearing a bra, just as is pictured to the left..  Why?  Good question!  One that I have asked myself many times since I began to do this a few days ago.  I have mulled it over in my brain and with my wife, but am still unsure as to a good answer.  Suffice it to say that I have been contemplating getting my body to be a bit more inline with my brain's conception of my own gender; which if you are unclear is somewhere in between male and female.

I only know of one way to accomplish that, HRT, hormone replacement therapy.  But honestly, that absolutely terrifies me.  It is so permanent and while some effects would be appreciated, I don't know that I really want all of the effects that it might bring.  I mean, if you are wanting to transition, then obviously HRT would be a good avenue for you.  But if you are just wanting to be somewhere more in the middle?

Okay, well that is not currently an answerable question for me.  Possibly due to an extreme lack of information.  For example, what would it be like to have breasts that cannot be quickly and easily removed with a simple unlatching of a bra?  What would it be like to have to live with them, regardless of what I am doing and regardless of what I choose to wear?

Thus then, this summer's experiment of wearing a bra, pretty much all of the time.  I have only done it now for a few days, and I have already cheated.  Because it has been terrifyingly difficult!  Mentally difficult.  Nothing bad has happened, but situations have been presented that have far more difficult than I thought.

It is easy to think, oh no big deal.  I am already fully dressing in women's clothes, from head to toe, what difference is a bra going to make?  Many of my bras only have a small bit of padding and thus I would estimate that it appears as though I have A cup breasts.  And I am suddenly acutely aware that breasts are total eye magnets!  I have noticed cashiers staring openly at them as well as just random people in the stores and on the streets.  And so just in the few days I have been experimenting I have come to realize that people notice; pretty much everyone notices!

Which has caused me to remove my bra twice.  The first time, I took my dog on a walk and on the way back two of my female neighbors were out chatting.  We all spoke on the street for a moment and I told them I would bring up my new puppy for them to see.  When I came back up, I had removed my bra.  The next time was this morning when again, while on my walk, I saw other neighbors, a husband and wife.  I told them I would come by in a little bit and share some of my garden's vegies.  When I went over, I had removed the bra.

What does that mean then?  Well if I had real breasts, then I would never be able to remove them.  Kind of a permanent change huh?

Thus for now, the experiment continues.

Though it does make me wonder.  Have I passed gender non-conforming?  Have I passed cross dressing?  Am I on to something else?  Is this a new realm for me?  A different path?  A slide down the slippery slope?

Hmmm.....

What does it take to love yourself?

Should you change

Or should you figure out how to be happy with who you are?

Such a Rubic's Cube problem.

BTW - Did you happen to catch the photo of me in my new bikini?

Outfit for 6-13-15 - Going to See Eddie Izzard

Dress - WHBM - Similar

Belt - WHBM - Similar

Shoes - Taryn - Similar

Not the best picture; it's a little off focus and the lighting is a bit off, but it was taken at about midnight after Jules and I got home from the awesome show we saw with Eddie Izzard.  It was the fourth time that we have seen him live.  The first was in Los Angeles, the second in San Francisco, the third was at the Hollywood Bowl, and this one was in Bakersfield!  Of all the places for him to come to, Bakersfield. Of course he started off the set with how in the world Bakersfield got its name.  As in, there was a large field and a whole bunch of bakers gathered there to make some bread!  Too funny.  Then of course he ripped on his own ignorance and joked that it was probably someone like Jeff Baker who founded it and maybe he should have Wikipedia'd it before he went on.

Jules and I enjoyed his show very much.  If you are able to catch the Force Majeure tour I would definitely recommend it.  His humor is very enjoyable for the two of us.  First off he calls himself an executive transvestite, secondly we love his British accent, third he knows comedy, and fourth his comedy comes from a highly educated place.  The amount of history that he knows is impressive and the way he infuses it into his routines is comic genius.  Currently he has done, or is scheduled to do, the show in 27 countries.  As well, he is going to do the show in Germany, speaking German and in France, speaking French!

There were some downsides to the show.  One of them was the temperature of the the theater.  Wow, it was warm.  The air conditioning was on, but being as it is a rather old theater and has super high cielings, down in the 8th row, we were all sweating nicely!  Oh right, women don't sweat, thus I told Jules throughout the night that I was glistening!  The other small bummer about the show was the woman sitting next to me who would boo on occasion.  It was an odd thing.  The rest of the theater, including myself, was howling with laughter and she was right next to me, booing.  She apparently took issue with Eddie's view of religion and of his love of the word "fuck."  Which he said that while he would be doing the show in two other languages, he would continue to infuse "fuck" throughout the shows.  The bonus is that she and he friend decided to leave the show about fifteen minutes before intermission.  Thus when Jules and I went back to our seats they never came back and we were able to spread out a bit.

Again, I would highly recommend the show.  It would have been nice to have been able to afford the super front row tickets, and get to enjoy the meet and great.  Maybe then I would have been able to get a photo with him.  That would have been wunderbar!

Hope you are all doing well.

Laugh more!

Go see Eddie!