Outfit for 4/29/13

White Top - Guess

Blue Top - Mossimo

Skirt - Guess

Shoes - Nickles

On Sunday it was somewhere in the 90's, obviously quite warm, especially when you are wearing a polyester hat.  Okay, well maybe not a hat, but wigs sure do often feel like that.  In the top outfit, I am a little bit warmer, but more comfortable about the look of my arms.  Generally speaking, when I am out and about I am very self conscious about the size of my arms.  There really is not much that can be done to disguise the size of them, except for covering them.  Thus I will often cover them.

In many of my pictures, I will have my arm up on my hip as it will help to make me look like I have larger hips and it will also make my arm look a little smaller.  But when walking around in public, it is a little difficult to walk with my hands on my hips.  Okay maybe more than a little difficult.  A lot difficult to the point that it is not possible.

This also brings up an issue that Jules and I were discussing this weekend.  We decided to go through our cloths and refine our wardrobes again.  Kind of a spring cleaning for our clothes.  Which by the way, I highly recommend for everyone to do.  The thing we tried to focus on this time was fit.  How exactly do the clothes that we have fit on our bodies and what do they do to help complement our bodies.  We tried to look objectively at our clothing and decide if it was just a piece of fabric covering our nudity or something that was helping us to look hot.  If it just covered us, we decided to not keep it.  If something helped us to look hot, then obviously we kept it. Needless to say, we got rid of lots of items and are still not done.

Gosh, I babble a lot.  Okay so what exactly did Jules and I discuss?  We discussed, where do the clothes fall on your body.  For example, I got rid of a few shirts this weekend, because the arms ended right at the largest portion of my biceps.  That made my arms look extra large.  And Jules?  She got rid of some of her favorite items because they fell right at the largest part of her stomach.  She is not extra large but when the bottom of her shirt fell right there, or her skirts began right there, it made her look on the extra large size.  If that line is moved up or down on her it vastly improved the looks of her clothes.  For me, the only thing that really helped to make my arms look smaller is to move the end of the arms down.  I think the best look is a 3/4 sleeve length.  Or full length sleeves.

Okay.  Gotta run.  Love ya!

Introducing My Wife's Blog

Yes she is a real person.  And yes she is a really beautiful person.  Isn't it amazing that she does not see that?  Or that she at least has a difficult time seeing her own beauty?  Well she is amazing, and amazingly beautiful.

Things between she and I have been quite difficult for some time, as I have recently begun to make clear.  As I see it, she has to find the muchness that was stolen from her by her family.  Anyways, I have already talked way too much about it.  I think it is time that you hear from her.  She has a voice.  A kind of shaky unsure voice, but as is all the rest, a beautiful voice.

Please go visit her at her new home:    http://gettingtomenow.blogspot.com/

She has only recently begun to blog her thoughts.  But the most recent one was her personal account of what happened last Saturday night.  If you have read my version, I think if you want the other half of the story you should go read her version here:  http://gettingtomenow.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-last-saturday.html

Thanks.

Love ya.

Outfit for 4/25/13 - A Rare Occurrence and Some Hope

Dress - Younique Clothing

Nylons - ???

Boots - Nine West

Necklace - Purchased from some Winery in Paso Robles, CA

It is quite rare, to the point that I can't remember the last time, that I will have occasion to dress during my regular work week.  But last night Jules asked Nadine to dinner.  I was quite apprehensive to accept, considering the events of the past bit.  Nonetheless I obviously agreed.

The dress I have on, I bought for $1, at a garage sale. We were going to try and sell it on eBay.  I was all set to put up the ad when I looked at myself in the dress modeling it.  It was then that I decided that I could not possibly bear to part with such a cute little dress.

In the photo, I really like the dress, the boots, and the necklace.  I really like the necklace!  I purchased it many years ago and have rarely comfortably matched it to anything.  But I think the pop of red in the otherwise all black outfit looks really good.  The one thing I don't like about the outfit are the nylons.  I really need them to be much thicker so that they don't stretch so much on my legs to where they don't look as jet black as the rest of the outfit.

An update on the home front.  Jules and I have spoken quite a bit since Saturday night.  The issue at hand, simply put, is that of responsibility.  I tend to accept responsibility and she has tended to avoid responsibility.  Not so much in regards to house chores, but in terms of what I believe we all need to do, be responsible to ourselves.  Responsible for our own feelings, our owns hopes, our own dreams, our own desires.  Jules' heart was so crushed by her family that she lost her muchness.

I have worked hard to do it for her, and while it has helped, it has also hurt.  She has done what I suggested but this has come at the price of resentment towards me.  This has obviously created some pretty big problems for us.

At some point, I will fill you in with Jules'  plan of attack for herself.  Just not yet.

Stay tuned.

Listen to the real you.

Love yourself more and maybe others will love you back even more.

Excuse Me But This Weight Is Crushing Me

Blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes

-Dire Straits 

Can you see the look of joy on my face?  I can.  I can see me, relaxed, comfortable, safe.  Sort of the calm before the storm.  But as is usual, I am getting ahead of myself.  Let me back up. 

Saturday night Jules and I went to A & B’s house.  (oh right, sidebar, I am so tired of calling my friends A & B, I asked them if they could provide me with names that I could use on my blog, and being the awesome people that they are, gave me names.  So for future reference please let me introduce, Vivian and Edward. Anyone get the reference?)  Okay so Jules and I went to Vivian and Edward’s house for dinner.  Leading up to this I have been bugged about the two of them knowing so much about me and Nadine, but I had yet to be around them dressed as Nadine. 

Often times once I get something rolling around in my head, I need for it to get out before it bashes the rest of my brain to complete mush.  So Saturday I decided that I would finally introduce them to me as a girl.  What I decided to do was to go over dressed as a guy, have dinner, hang out a little, and then go home, change and come back dressed as a girl.  The reasoning for this is that they have a young child, a wonderful little girl, and though they were okay with my dressing as a girl around her, considering that I had never been around anyone other than Jules, I decided that was a bit too much for me.

 

Jules and I went to Vivian and Edwards, had a nice dinner, had a little wine, then went home and I began to change.  I honestly thought that I might have a heart attack while getting ready.  I went with a safe outfit, something that I am quite comfortable and confident in.  Something many of you have seen repeatedly here.  I quickly did my makeup, sure that I was going to smear mascara all over my entire face as my hands were shaking so badly.  In the end, I looked fine.  Nothing crazy, nothing, fantastic, but I thought I looked good.  Especially considering that I knew I was about to fall over dead at any moment.

Surprisingly I didn’t die.  Even more surprisingly Jules and I got back into the car and I was able to force myself to drive back over to Vivian and Edwards, get out of the car, and before I knew it there I was, walking into their house, dressed as a girl.  And even then, I still didn’t die.

I giggled nervously a bit, as did Edward.  Vivian though, what a person!  She had me twirl about so that she could check me out.  It was quite funny as just the day prior I had been checking her out in quite a non-discreet manner, and now it was her turn.   The two of them marveled at how curvy I appeared and how great my butt looked in my skirt.  They were so normal, so natural, so unforced, that they quickly put my mind at ease and before I knew it I was over the first hurdle and off and running.

From that point on things went quite well.  The four of us hung out and talked.  Which we like to do when we get together.  There were lots of questions, lots of answers, and even more questions.  Personally I loved it.  As time ticked by, I felt more and more relaxed, and safe, and accepted.

It was around this time that I handed Jules my phone and asked her to photograph me.  The result is the picture above.  A moment in time, captured with a flash of light.

And shortly thereafter the magic of the evening vanished.  As is often the case, time after time.  27 years of happy, relaxed, rare safe times when I actually let my guard down and allow myself to be me, replaced by fear, anger, disappointment, confusion, because Jules was upset.

I mentioned to Vivian and Edward that I would love to take them up on their idea to go wine tasting someday, the four of us, dressing up, getting a driver, and going out and having some fun.  I casually mentioned “Of course I will be dressed as a girl.”  And that was it. I had upset my wife. And from that point forward, that is all that mattered.

Her argument was a good one.  A strong one.  A very emotion filled powerful one.  She was upset because every vacation I spend the entire time dressed as Nadine and she no longer gets to experience the romance that we used to experience when we went on vacation and I never dressed as a girl.  All she was asking me for was one or two nights while we are on vacation that I could dress as a guy and she could once again experience that simple pleasure, but that regardless of how she felt I straight up refused her request.

It blindsided me.  It came out of left field, hurled at me by a major league pitcher.  It struck me hard and I reacted poorly.  I engaged in the discussion.  I stated my points, I argued my side of things.  I didn’t care that we were at Vivian and Edward’s.  I knew where she was at.  She was pissed.  She was super pissed. She argued back with me.  Cried quite a bit.  Emotionally told her side of the story.  I stuck to my guns and refused to budge an inch.  There was not going to be any concessions.

Eventually the tensions eased and Jules and I appeared to come back together.  There was no agreement between us, no leeway granted from either side, but we eventually stopped arguing.  The four of us talked for a little while longer and then Jules and I went home.

How should I have reacted?  I’m not entirely sure anything would have derailed Jules once she decided to start things between us that evening.  I do know that once I had some time to digest, ponder, consider, it occurred to me that I had heard this argument before.  I had heard, been understanding, gave concessions, felt bad for her, understood her side of the story, and worked hard to draft solutions that would work for the two of us.  We talked and talked and agreed on a plan of action.  Not once before, or maybe even twice before, but over the last 5 years or so I have probably been put through this particular argument about 20-30 times.  20-30 times, the same argument has been presented to me by Jules, 20-30 times we have discussed it, and 20-30 times we have come to an agreement, an understanding, a plan of action that was acceptable to the two of us.  Every single time, I have worked my ass off to stick to the plan, to live up happily to my end of the bargain and never, not once, has Jules done anything she agreed to.

Why did I not see this right away?  Because this is just one of hundreds of arguments that Jules and I have repeatedly.  Over and over, round and round.  27 years of swirling around the toilet bowl of life.

Why do I tolerate it?   I love her, and I am terribly insecure.  Plus, for 27 years she has told me that she will change.  That she is trying to change.  That she is working as hard as she possibly can to change.  But alas upon reflection, very little has changed. Upon reflection there is very little evidence of doing anything that will actually affect change.

And the problem is becoming that I am becoming much less insecure.  I am more self-confident than I have ever been.  And I am starting to realize that many of my insecurities have been rooted in not being able to trust the person I have known since 8 and loved since 15.  I am 41 and I am tired.  I know that many of you could not possibly understand how I could ever leave my wife.  I know what many of yours are like.  I could only imagine how hurtful it is to have someone you love be completely intolerant of you. 

But at this point, I would rather have clarity.  I would rather someone tell me to not cross dress in front of them at all, ever, than to have someone tell me they are fine with it, that they are totally accepting of me and who I am, and then when I feel safe, when I feel accepted for who I am, when I am finally starting to relax, they stab me in the back and watch as I bleed.

Does my wife really have a problem with me cross dressing?  I honestly don’t know.  Here is what I do know about my wife.  As a child she suffered through trauma that for her was very traumatic.  This has caused very self-destructive and relationship destroying patterns that began at the point of trauma and have continued to this very minute of this very day.  My heart breaks for the beautiful person that I know is trapped inside.  I have tried hard, so hard, so very very hard to help but in the end I am just a pawn for her to use in replaying her trauma over and over.  She tortures herself and me.

I care about her but at some point I need to care enough about myself to not allow myself to be fodder for someone else’s bad dreams.

A night that was supposed to be so much more…

Now all it does is make me cry to remember it all.

Google+

Apparently it is fine for me to have a blogger account, an email account, my own website if I want it, but not a google+ account.  My name, Nadine Spirit, does not meet their name guidelines.  I could appeal their computers automatic decision, but I don't know if I really care that much to appeal it.

What if I had chosen a different last name.  Something more realistic, like say Brown, or Smith.  Would google+ automatically approve me then?  I have been on other cds websites and have noted that they are a part of google+ under what is obviously an online only name.  I suppose their names were less suspect and the computer automatically granted them the google+ status.  Spirit is apparently too obviously fake.

Google+, you do of course realize that real people actually do have Spirit as a last name right?

Am I missing out by not being a google+ member?  Are there great perks and benefits to being a member? Why would I want to appeal their decision?  Anybody have input on this issue?

Outfit for 4-14-13

 

Cardigan - Mossimo

Tank - Mossimo

Skirt - Loft

Shoes - Report

I don’t really think the two photos show what I wanted to try and show in this post.  What I was hoping you could see is that by buttoning the top you can tell I have a waistline, and it helps my hips to look bigger.  I don’ think the photos show that very well due to the colors I am wearing, and the slimming effect that black has in photos.  But in real life, it really helps to try and accentuate the skinniest part of your waist.

I have not tried it yet, but I really want a long sweater, kind of tight fitting on the top, and then to wear a belt over the sweater.  I saw the look on pinterest and thought that would work really well to help someone look more curvy.  Part of the thing that I think is odd, is wearing your belt as an accessory, not something to just help keep up your pants. 

In fact, be very, very careful where you wear a belt.  Often when you wear a belt through the belt loops on your pants it unfortunately makes you look bigger than you really are.  The best spot for belts is the skinniest part of your torso.  Which is often much higher than your pants waist.

In real life, buttoning the sweater I wore in the photos helped to do that same thing for me.

Gotta run, love ya!

Wanna Buy Some Boobs?

Lately my wife and I have been discussing our career choices.  We have been in our profession for about 17 years and we don't like it.  It has lots of perks, but it is not like we grew up wanting to do what we do.  And further more we have recently been having difficulties that may mean we would have to find a new profession.

As such, we have begun to explore a variety of other options.  One thing that both she and I enjoy is fashion.  We have culled threw our personal collections and acquired some other items and have decided to try and start selling them on eBay.  We have no idea if this will work, and we have assurance that it certainly will not replace our day jobs, but it is loads of fun!  And fun is kind of what has been missing from our day jobs for a long, long, time!

While going through our items, I found some old breast forms that I used to cherish and have since stopped using.  I stopped using them because I prefer to do what my latest efforts have produced.  Back when I was wearing breast forms though, I really, really, liked these ones.

Currently on eBay, I have three different sizes of Gold Seal Classics, from the Breast Form Store.  The sizes that I have listed are 4, 5, and 6.  All three are in excellent quality and are a bargain at the prices I have listed for them.  Originally I purchased them for 179.99 each!  I listed them at an auction price of $40.00 and a buy it now price of $49.99.  Wow! What a bargain.  I am not getting rid of them due to them being damaged or of dislike.  It is actually quite difficult for me to sell them, as I love them.  But they just are not right for my clothes, and more importantly the size of breast that I am comfortable in wearing.  But maybe they just might be the perfect choice for you and if so, you can get them at a bargain price.

Here is a link to the auctions for these breast forms: size 4, size 5, size 6.

Also, if you are interested check out our other auctions of clothing items.  We are offering very nice, gently worn, used clothes.  We check them other quite well for defects and try our best to show good photos of the items.  Another funny thing is, both my wife and I are modeling the garments.  We just took a bunch of photos yesterday for several auctions, and we have yet to list them.  But in time you can see my wife and myself modeling our clothing for you!

Hey if the worst that comes from this all is that I get to keep my breast forms and my wife and I get a bunch of clothes for ourselves at bargain prices, then hoo-rah!

A couple of the clothes items we have listed: my wife as the model, me as the model.

Love ya!

Outfit for 4-5-13

Dress - Guess

Tights - Mossimo

Boots - Nine West

Arms - Maidenform

Sun Glasses - Ray Ban

I really like this dress.  You can't see it in the picture, which makes me think to take some more detail shots occasionally, there are zippers on the shoulders.  They kind of add a little edge to the dress.  One thing about this dress though is that it is very light weight, and much more of a summer or warm day dress.  On this particular day it was a little chilly, so I thought I would try and ramp up the warmth factor.  I added some thicker nylons and some arms.

Yes folks, I added arms.  I found the funniest looking garment one day while shopping at a Maidenform outlet store.  It is a pair of arms with a small strap that hooks closed like a bra strap but it is in the front of the garment and sits below my bust.  The back is kind of like a bra as well.  Maybe I should take a picture of just this garment to show what it actually looks like as it is kind of funky and difficult to describe well.  Okay, suffice it to say, it is a pair of arms.  I bought it because in utilizing it, I can wear long sleeves, without wearing an entire other shirt.  That is kind of handy with this particular dress because it then does not hide the cleavage that shows while wearing it.

This outfit was worn to the mall, to pick up some more Clinique while they were having their free gift time!  I love that both my wife and I use Clinique.  During gift time I will get one of the color choices, she will get the other, and then we can both use each others products.  What fun!  We also walked the mall a little.  I wanted to go to Victoria's Secret for some yummy smelling lotion.  I found the item and went back to get in line and wow! A ginormous line was waiting.  I was so super surprised.  And almost everybody that was there was paying by a gift card.  Apparently they received this during Easter.  I personally never knew that Easter time was a gift card giving time.  I guess it is.

Okay, gotta run.  Love ya!