1 Year Anniversary on Estrogen

I really had no idea.  If I would have known, I would have gone this route long ago.  How different life would be is unimaginable.  It's sad, actually.  I know, I shouldn't feel bad for things that have happened, for it was only those things that brought me to the path I'm on.  Who knows what would have been now, if that had not ever been then.  At least it happened eventually.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm waxing on dramatically without cluing in the reader, right?  Estrogen people.  I'm talking about my life on Estrogen, for today is the day that one year ago I got my first script for Spironolactone (an anti-androgen, that I refer to as my anti-boy-otics) and Estradiol.  And, no I don't care if they are supposed to be capitalized or not, for to me, they are capitol deserving words.  They have changed my life.

There is no truly effective way to convey what venturing down this path has done for me.  It is too vast, too subtle, too complex.  I mean, I'll give it a shot, but be forewarned, I am anticipating that my words will fall flat.  I'm reminded of a ponderable I had as a teen, what writing would it take to get someone to picture the exact same coffee cup that was in my mind.  It is a surprisingly difficult thing to do.  Well, maybe just for me!

A picture is worth a thousand words.  Sometimes I think they can be worth much more.   On that note, you may have noticed the collection of photos I have provided for you.  In choosing these photos, I didn't filter them and try to pick out good and bad ones.  I simply chose ones that I like out of the ones I had taken on that date.  I have not been the fastidious sort to take the same photo, in the same location, with the same lighting as some people have.  That really shows the change.  With my photos, I have found that I struggle to see much of a change as there can be vast variation within photography itself.  Sure, the photos look different, but is it due to the lighting, or the camera settings, or whatever? 

That was what I had thought prior to putting these photos together.  I think taken as a whole, yup Estrogen (yes, again with the capital!) has indeed been changing my appearance.  I can't quite tell you exactly what it is.  What I can say is that there is a difference in my appearance in my photos from a year ago.  Huge differences?  Nope.  But a difference, yes, a difference for sure.  Yay!  I will, of course, allow you to make up your own mind about it, and thus these photos.

Well then, what else?  How about any other physical changes?  Okay, fine.  How about numbers?  I like numbers.  I have been tracking many different measurements over the past year.  Weight - up about 6-7 pounds. Neck - 1/2 inch smaller.  Arms - same.  Breasts - up 2 inches.  Waist - up about 2 inches.  Butt - 1.5 inches larger.  Legs - the same.  Some changes, but not huge changes.  The chest?  Yeah, loving those changes.  The waist?  Not so much!  The butt, yes!  The waist, not so much! 

So, yeah, there you go.  You know the numbers.  You can see the photos.  And that's about it, isn't it?  Well, no.  Not even close.  For those are the easy things to get across.  Here, check out this photo!  Here, my boobs are growing!  And then poof, you've got an idea of what this all has done for me right?  Ha, I wish it were so!  Alas, it may take a few more words. 

Ahhh..... here is something worth a mention.  Recently I went back and read my blog from start to finish.  Interesting event.  Over the last 8 years of writing this blog, I certainly noticed a vast improvement in my writing from year to year.  However, over the past year, it was a bit of a jump.  I'm not trying to toot my own horn too much.  You are free to look for yourself.  Like the pictures, for me, I noticed a difference. 

Another glorious difference is my relationship with my wife.  This to me is one of the utmost amazing things of this path.  Once upon a time, back when my wife and I were both super ignorant about transgender issues, she said to me that if I ever transitioned she would leave me.  It wasn't said meanly.  It wasn't out of anger or non acceptance.  It was because of what she and I thought that meant.  Low and behold, pursuing this path, that most would term transition, is actually what is saving our marriage. 

I have written here and there in this blog about our relationship and how it has changed since changing my hormones.  If you don't already know, the long and the short of it is, we have been together for almost 32 years and have fought pretty constantly about every 1 to 2 weeks over that entire time.  And generally the fights were not calm, well thought out, loving discourses between people who love each other.  They were also not about anything in particular.  No, it was not about my gender issues. 

Well, okay, the words were not ever about my gender issues.  And Jules never fought with me because of my gender issues.  However, in reality, my hand in all of that muck was certainly about my gender issues.  Neither of us knew that.  But we do now!  Now that I have been on the right hormones for a year, and I have not lost my shit with her during that entire time.  That is truly very shocking for both of us.  Yes she has on occasion lost her shit with me, but my responses have been actually pretty darn loving!  Holy crap, Batman!  Seriously, this alone is enough for me to know without a doubt that I will forevermore be on Estrogen! (Yes, still with the capital!)

Alright, so, the photos, the numbers, the relationship........ what else?  Work?  Yeah, it would appear as though I am going to go to work this next school year presenting as female.  I'm not super set on that yet.  I mean, I think I am, but then I think I'm not.  I'm much more on the, yes I am going to do it path than not!  A year ago though?  That was not even a thought.  not even a consideration.  I mean, I have always done me, an eclectic mix of gender, but I have never gone to work fully presenting as female.  Apparently, that is what is going to be happening now, though! 

How about personally?  Well personally, I feel like me.  And that is weird.  It is weird that I didn't realize that I stopped feeling like me.  When did that occur?  Was it all at once?  Did something swoop in, rob a piece of me, and sneak away with it?  I think really, it happened bit by bit.  The body hair, the facial hair, the lowering of the voice, balding, societal expectations, parental expectations, bit by bit, things coalesced in me and then one day I was no longer me.  I was a shell of myself, functioning, successful, yet floundering in so many ways.   I know a year ago, I didn't know this, but I do now.  And I am grateful. 

Awhile ago I came up with a new mantra.  How long ago?  Dunno, maybe about six months or so.  Here it is - I'm going to stop hiding who I am from anybody, and I'm going to give people the freedom to chose for themselves how to respond.  Sound simple?  Maybe to some.  But to many, it is not.  Sometimes it is easier to hide from people because sometimes people can be bad.  It is an irrefutable fact.  Nonetheless, in hiding, one hurts themselves, and others.  You hurt yourself because you are robbing yourself of any true connection.  You hurt others because you are judging them to be people who may behave poorly. 

On that note, I am out to pretty much everybody.  It has gotten to the point that I am stretching my memory of who does not know!  Funny!  It was only 1 year ago that I became Facebook friends with my wife.  That is crazy!  Now I am friends with many people in my day to day life, and I love it!  I absolutely adore that!  I really do.  I have received such a tremendous outpouring of support from my community, and I am so eternally grateful for that.  It has meant so much to me, that I could never possibly explain it.  That whole coffee cup thing... suffice to say, thank you!  I love you! 

Hmmmm...... negatives?  How about anything negative?  Well, yeah a couple.  Testosterone is a natural steroid.  I used those steroids to my advantage!  I realize that now.  What does that mean?  Well, I cannot perform at the physical muscular levels that I did before.  I cannot do as much, for as long, as often as I did.  If I work all day long like I used to, I am wiped for like a week!  It is crazy!  I don't really mind it; I just have to get used to it.  Many of the things I did before, I did because I could, and I felt like I had to.  Now?  Nope, I just don't really care about it!

Oh, that is another positive.  I am so much more able to focus on what things in life really matter to me.  And that is lovely!  So helpful to find some focus in life, right??! 

Right, negatives!  Um..... sorry can't think of any others.  Oh, how about the fact that facial electrolysis is a type of medieval torture!  Could that be a negative consequence??  Maybe!  How about that electrolysis is so incredibly expensive???  Could that be a negative?  Yes!  It is!

How about that issue that everybody married is concerned about?  You know that issue, right?  That issue that is so concerning to so many people.  Yeah, I get it, you feel better, yippee!  Now tell me about what is going on in your pants!  The clamoring crowd is chanting for blood!  Dramatic, maybe yes, just a bit overly so!  Anywho..... yeah, things in that arena are functioning as normal.  Yup, totally unaffected.  Well if anything, positively so.  Yeah, apparently that is unusual, but you know that is nothing new for me!  Ha!

Okay.  I've got to stop.  Seriously, this is going on for too long!  Ahhh...... too late! 

Yikes. 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Silly Work Outfit

Top - ?? - Similar @Amazon

Undershirt - Vetemin - @Amazon

Jeans - Levi Denizen - Modern Boot Cut - @Target

Shoes -  New Balance - Similar @Amazon

Beanie - FHeaven - Similar @Amazon

Belt -?? - Similar @Amazon

Well, I suppose it is time to come clean if I am going to be able to accurately describe the context of this outfit.  And besides, I don't really think it is going to affect my life one way or the other for the blog-o-sphere to know how I am employed.  So.... ready for it?  Here goes nothing - - I am a middle school math teacher! 

Crazy huh?  Well I think I am to have been working with this age group for over 20 years!  Yikes, am I really that old?  Why yes indeed I am! 

Okie dokie, so now that is officially out of the way, this past week we had spirit week for our upcoming standardized tests.  On Friday it happened to be "meme day."  I kept asking everyone, what exactly are you going to do for meme day and they kept explaining to me what a meme is.  Uh, sorry kiddos, I understand what a meme is, what I don't understand is how is someone supposed to dress as a meme??  Whatever, right? 

My wife and I each have a shirt with a funny little saying on it, so we decided to wear those for our meme spirit day.  My wife's shirt is a pig eating bacon, thinking to itself, "yummm."  Funny huh?  And you can obviously see what mine says.  If you don't know the meaning behind this saying, it is going against conforming to the norm.  I always think of it as the students are the penguins!  Ha! 

The day that I wore this outfit, it was about an hour or two into my work day when it occurred to me that I was dressed fully in female clothes!  Funny as it was the first time ever.  I normally wear pretty much exactly what is pictured, except for wearing a male work Polo shirt instead of the silly penguin shirt.  I thought it was also pretty darn interesting as I normally don't wear such a tight shirt to work.  You know, with the boobs and all, tight shirts are interesting!  Oh, but I was too lazy to shave on this morning, so I had a bit of a goatee! 

You may be wondering how exactly things go with dressing the way that I dress while teaching 7th and 8th grade students.  You know that lovely age from about 12 - 14!!  Ha!  Lovely!  That is funny!  Well I will let you know, if you don't already, typically middle school students are so super self conscious of themselves that they can barely focus on anything else.  Sometimes it is about half way through the school year before a student will loudly exclaim "wait, what, you paint your fingernails?!"  And then the whole class laughs, not at me, but at their fellow student! 

I once had a student directly ask why I dress the way that I do, and I told them that I do it to show them that it is okay to be different.  Many teachers tell them it is okay to be different, all while looking exactly the same as a typical teacher.  I tell them that even though at first I was terrified of being myself in front of them, that I do it because I am learning how to love myself for who I really am. 

Generally speaking after that conversation with my classes, they clap.  Yup, that is how awful the little buggers are!  Ha!  Seriously the students are awesome.  And yeah, I do work at a pretty rough school.  New teachers have been known to run scared from this place!  But as well, this is not the only school that I have worked at that I have been dressed in a mixed gender manner.  I think this is the 4th school.  And at no time have I received any negative feedback from my students.  They have questions for sure, but they accept my answers. 

So, um, yeah, there ya go!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Seriously, give it a whirl!  Who knows, maybe you'll like it and start treating yourself better!

 

Of Course I Want Boobs

When I am honest I have wanted to go onto hormones for a long time, probably far longer than I ever even realized.  Seriously, these things are great.  I mean, so flipping great, that I am shocked. 

Why?  Because I have grown the largest breasts ever?  Gawd no!  It is laughable actually how little my body has changed.  When I look at other people's transition timelines, mine is a joke!  Well, maybe it is not mine that is the joke but other people's, as it is tough to understand whether or not everyone actually is honest about these things. 

For me.... physically what has happened in the 3 months that I have been taking a serious testosterone blocker, and applying an estrogen patch, has been pretty much nothing.  I have taken measurements every two weeks of most things from my neck down and there has been only one thing that has shown any change at all, my nipples.  Yup, my nipples have gained about 1-2 mm in diameter.  Which is saying a lot actually.  That means they have doubled in size! 

So, um yeah. that is the big change that has happened.  Nipples that are now about 2 mm, when before they were only 1 mm.  Yup people, that mm stands for millimeters if you don't know.  Oh, btw, since it has come up, and this is a major side rant - the US needs to get over our use of standard measurements.  What is it the US and like two other countries?  Yeah, major players in the world.  So US people, get over it the metric system is far better! 

Okay then, so what is up with hormones that is so flipping great? 

Well, my doctor explained it best.  Hormones are like the software that the brain and body runs on and now I can finally see, I don't think my brain was ever supposed to run on testosterone.  Maybe it would have been better though to say Operating System.  Maybe my doc doesn't really understand tech that much, but I do think she meant an OS.  Like you know a Windows machine trying to run on an iOS.  The feeling is difficult for someone to understand if they haven't ever experienced it for themselves.  It is indeed quite weird. 

Try explaining it to a board of eight employees at your job who run the health care appeal board.  Yeah, I'm sure they all totally grasped what I was saying.  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously, HA!

Okay, well whatevs..... so back to the story at hand.....

So um yeah.  I finally feel like myself, and I never even knew that I ever stopped feeling like myself.  But I did.  I did indeed.  I stopped being me, oh way back, just about when I began getting massive amounts of testosterone dumped into my system due to a little thing we call puberty. 

I never really knew it, but that changed me from the me that I like, to a different me.  A me that I always assumed I had to deal with.  How does one not deal with themselves?  With the fate that they were born with? 

Another way that I could try and explain how I have changed is something that I told my therapist - I no longer feel like a big angry penis. 

So, the angry part.  Since I'm being honest.  I have been angry for much of my life.  Angry at what, being a boy?  Maybe.  But if so I never knew that.  I have not been one of these people who has always known that I have been trapped in the wrong body.  Nope not me.  Anywho.... I have been very, very, VERY ANGRY!  At a myriad of things.  A vast array of differing and petty things.  PEtty now in hindsight, now on estrogen!  Ha!  Okay, so anywho, suffice it to say I've been an angry person.

The penis part..... when testosterone hit me, I began to have intense biological needs to stick it, the big hard it, into just about anything.  Seriously anything.  An apple pie?  Nope, never did that, but I did plenty that I am not about to discuss here.  But the need to get it in, and get off, has been a huge driving (ha) force in my life.  Like a life mission of sorts. 

So...... now, now that the fog is clearing, now I can see just how intense those two aspects of my personality became once testosterone came onto the scene.  But now, now the angry is departing and the penis is becoming friendly.  No longer a driving, surging, need, but now a fun friend that comes about when wanted.

And there you have it.  The some total of my experience with three months on HRT, 2 mm large nipples, and no longer a big angry penis.  If this is all I ever get, I know that it will be the right decision.  I mean sure, of course I want boobs, but if I don't ever get them, I think I will be okay with that. 

Right now, I feel okay with a large number of things that I never thought I would.

Right now, I'm pretty darn happy.

Happier than maybe I thought I ever deserved to be.

Be happy.

Love you!

Love yourself!

You deserve to be happy.

Seriously.

Oh - BTW, the newest picture on this post was from January 2016!!!  Ha!!!  Those are some nice looking boob!  (All shadows and photography tickery I tell you!)

Max Tara Breast Form Review

Max Tara AS

You may remember one of my recent posts about forgetting my breast forms at a hotel, which meant that I am in need of some replacement boobs.  The ones that I lost were from The Breast Form Store, and retailed for about $200.  Wow!  I decided to try the Max Tara forms above being as they were selling for about $23 a piece and they do sell them separately, as a left and a right.  But still they were less than a fourth of the price of the lost ones.

Being as I am an Amazon Prime member, I got the new forms in about 2 days from ordering.  Which is awesome!!  They arrived in the standard Amazon packaging, and it has been a couple of months since I got them, so I totally forget how they were individually packaged inside of the Amazon box.  They arrived in fine condition though.

My immediate thoughts were, they were huge, and super soft!  I purchased the 300 gram size.  I thought that would be an okay size as they were advertised as an A or a B cup breast.  Part of the problem with this is that cup size is a ratio with your band size.  If you put a 300 gram breast on someone with a 36 inch band, it will appear much bigger than if it is on someone with a 42 inch band.  For your reference, generally I wear a 38B bra.  I would prefer a 38A, but that is a super uncommon size.  So I settle for a 38B.

Thus, with these breast forms, I had to go through all of my bras and figure out which ones would work with these forms.  The sad truth was that none of them worked.  They were way too big.  The other thing about these forms is that they kind of have two wings.  One extends up and one extends to the side.  It can give the impression of a more full breast.  But it also means that it needs to have a larger more full coverage bra.  Lucky for me, Jules has kept about every single bra she has ever owned and allowed me to rummage through her leftovers.  I found some that worked, but that put me up to a 38C/36D OMG!  Way too big for me!

What I do like about these forms though is how soft they are.  They are more squishy than my lost ones and Jules and I both feel as though they have a very good feel to them.  They are very breast like in consistency.  Oh and something else I forgot to mention, they are also lightly concave.  And one more thing, there are nipples, but they are not very prominent and they are not a different color in anyway.

Overall, for the price, they are super good!  They are just way too big for me.  I think I need something like half of that size.  Oh..... and as well, generally I don't wear my forms while out and about dressed as a woman.  They tend to be something quick, simple, and easy for me to just pop in and give me a some boos while hanging out.  That could be why I think they are too big; they don't suit my purposes.

Hmmm...... the last thing I might say is that overall, I really didn't see much differences between the $45 dollar breast forms and the $200 ones.  You would think that for $200 they would be so totally amazing that they would put anything else to shame!  Alas, that is not my experience.  While I am not happy with this pair, and I will continue to try and find something better for my needs, I can't see justifying such expensive forms as the ones I lost.

And further, The Breast Form Store, a great place BTW, has breasts that sell for like $400.  What do they do?  Shoot fireworks out of the nipples?  What?  What could it be for $400?  And that is why I think some people will buy them.  For $400, they must be just like real boobs!  But seriously, I don't think they would be any better than bargain priced boobs.

Okie dokie!  I will continue to update you on my newest boob search!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love trying out new boobs!

Oh - and while yes I do receive some compensation as a result of you clicking some of my links, I did not receive any special compensation for reviewing these breast forms.

It Looks Clear

That is a line from Pitch Black, starring Vin Diesel.  It was possibly one of the first movies I ever saw with Vin in it.  I like science fiction movies and this fits the bill for sure.  I don't know if I would say that it is a good movie, but I do enjoy watching it.  That ends up being an interesting thing in that Jules and I will often watch and rewatch certain movies over and over.  This happens to be one of them.

Okay, way too much detail about an irrelevant thing.  In the movie Vin has the ability to see in the dark and at some point someone asks him if the way they need to go is clear.  Vin's response is to say that it looks clear.  Someone is about to walk that way when all of a sudden a monster flies past them almost killing them.  That character then says to Vin, I thought you said it was clear.  The response from Vin is - I said it looks clear.  

I've always had a thing for word play humor and that set of lines from the movie has always amused me and Jules and I have adopted it.  We will often say to each other, well, it looks clear.  And we both understand what that means.  To the best of our knowledge it looks good, but who knows, we may very well be missing the monster ready to jump out and bite our heads off.

This is a frequent saying to each other when we leave hotel rooms.  We will pack up all of our things and cart them back out to the car before doing a last walk around the hotel room.  Generally around that time, once we think we have everything, we will both look at each other and state - well it looks clear.

Well this last weekend we were in the Long Beach, CA area and we both thought it looked clear.  Loe it was with great disappointment that I discovered I left my only set of forms at the hotel.  Ooops I lost my boobs!  Ha!  An unfortunate side effect of having detachable boobs!  Sure they are convenient, but you might just accidentally leave them behind!  Yikes!

Kindly, Jules called the hotel and asked if the maid had found a pair of prosthetic breasts.  He said that he would check with house cleaning services.  She then asked if he knew what she was talking about.  He said he thought he did.  She clarified for him that he was looking for a small pair of fake breasts.  He said he would phone if he found anything.  Guess what?  He never phoned!

Do you know why?  I suspect I do.  The maid found them, and was probably a bit weirded out thinking she found somebody's sexual fetish play toys and threw them away!

Regardless, I no longer have them.  Which is highly unfortunate as they were about $180.  I really hate making such stupid mistakes!  But whatcha gonna do?  I thought it looked clear!  Oh well.  I actually really didn't use them all that much.  They were not my primary go to, they were just something quick, simple, and easy to use when I dress in an in between mode.  So.... I will replace them, but I don't think I will go with such expensive ones!  I've seen some on Amazon at much more reasonable prices.

I will let you know.

In the meantime, if you happen to find a pair of lost breast forms roaming around Long Beach, CA, let me know.  Ha!

Thanks!

It looked clear.

Well, how does it look now?

Looks clear.



Photo Credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/whatleydude/9879558403

Hunting with Boobs

About a week ago I tried something that I have never done, I wore a bra and a set of the small boobs out while hunting.  And what was the result?  I had the best shoot average I think I have ever had.  I was super amazed.  I mean I have gone out shooting before while wearing boobs.  You may or may not have seen the post that the above picture was from.  But going out hunting to the duck field while wearing boobs?  Nope I had yet to ever do that.

There are a myriad of things that could go wrong with wearing boobs out to the duck field.  The first of which is that I could be spotted as having breasts.  I wasn't dressed as a woman, I had my standard male hunting gear on.  Besides my face also had quite a bit of beard growth on it and being on vacation I have not bothered to shave in a while.  So there's that!  Another thing is that, really what is the point?  Why would I possibly want to wear boobs while out hunting?  What could the be the possible benefit?

Well, with that last one, the benefit could be better shooting.  Better shooting?  Yes, better shooting?  How in the world could boobs help to make me shoot better?  Well, one of the main things about wing shooting is properly shouldering your gun.  One might think that is a pretty simple affair.  Put your gun to your shoulder, and shoot.  Ha!  I wish it were that simple.  Shooting happens to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Anywho, one of the best ways to shoulder your gun, is to begin by putting the gun but away from you while you bring it up and have it touch your cheek.  You then pull it back to have it seat against your shoulder.  If you do it right, then every time it is in the right position.

How often do I do it right?  Possibly about half of the time.  The other half my gun is sitting on my upper arm, or half way across my chest.  This results in a missed shot, and a possible bruise!  Anywho, while shooting with boobs, they are far bigger than my standard chest equipment.  This makes it so that I do that first part, of putting the gun out away from me, much more often.  If I don't do it, it bonks my boobs!

Thus, it actually helps me to shoulder my gun better!  And the result was that I shot much better than normal!  Yay!  I really thought that I may have found out what my difficulties with shooting have always been, missing boobs!

The only problem with my theory is that I have been out hunting twice with boobs since that first time and I totally sucked!  I mean sucked bad!  It was some of the worst shooting I have ever done!  So much for that theory!

Okay, just a silly little post today.  Oh, and yeah, nobody has said anything about my boobs while hunting.  Either everybody is super polite, or nobody noticed under all of my super fluffy hunting gear.  Oh and I totally know that I have not been posting much lately.  I am technically on vacay right now!  Yay again!  I say technically because while on vacay I am involved with remodeling portions of my house.  Currently I am stuck sanding and filling the ceiling.  Super fun!  So.... I work on the house and twice a week I go hunting.  I am pretty darn tired!

I hope everyone has been enjoying the holiday season!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Come On Gynecomastia!

So I visited my urologist yesterday for my final check in after my previous appointment.  He had taken a biopsy of my bladder, just to make sure that there was nothing wrong and I had to go back in and see if anything was actually wrong.  As it turned out, nothing was wrong!  Yay!

My only issue is that I am having some complications from a prostate that is enlarged for my age.  Yay!  Fun!  Okay, maybe not so much.  That was what actually prompted all of my wondrous tests that I had to go through.

The point of this post - my doctor told me that he was going to prescribe me a drug to help decrease the size of my prostate, but that this drug has a well known side effect.  Now, I've done a fair amount of research into the side effects of various drugs, and I am well aware that a potential side effect of some prostate drugs is gynecomastia.  So, there I am, sitting in my doctors office, with him explaining this drug to me, and what am I doing, hoping that he is going to tell me that the potential side effect I may experience is growing boobs!

Talk about knowing that you are transgender, I'm hoping for a side effect that most men would absolutely hate.  Funny!

As it turned out, that was NOT the side effect my doctor discussed with me.  I mean, really, could you imagine, telling men that you could solve your prostate issue, but you'd have boobs?  Yeah, I think that would be a total deal breaker for most men.  Well, unless of course, you're a transgender male wanting boobs for you very own.

Hmm..... boobs of your very boobs.

I like the sound of that.

Love you!

Love boobs!

They're Just Boobs

Jules and I live about 10 minutes away from a fairly small lake.  Well, it is supposed to be a larger lake, but in the 12 or so years that we have lived in this area the lake has never filled up.  So.... it is a fairly small lake.  But it is a fun lake.  We often travel down to it, drive down to the shore, back up the truck, through the fishing lines out, and let the dogs run around.  It makes for a relaxing time, just hanging out.

A week or so ago, we decided to do our usual thing and head down to the lake.  It happened to be kind of an overcast day, and I was wearing an oversize pink hoodie.  I also had on my Victoria's Secret double cup bra, which gives me the appearance of having breasts.  Not the sort of breasts that are easily hidden.  But the sort of breasts that are easily noticed.

Anywho.... we packed up our stuff and headed to the lake without me changing.  This is not really an unusual situation and I generally don't give it much thought.  Oh..... I don't think I mentioned, that the rest of my appearance was as a male.  This look is generally my go to look, and I am quite comfortable with it.  Or so I thought.

Jules and I setup our stuff, had our fishing lines in the water, our dogs running around, and were hanging out chatting and having a good day.  Apparently this idea seemed to be appealing to many others as well and more and more cars and trucks headed down to the water line and began filling in all of the spaces around us.  Again, this is not all that unusual.

What was unusual was when the folks next to us, a man, an older man, and a woman, began commenting on our dogs and encouraging them to come over for a visit.  When my dogs started to go to them, I got out of my seat and began walking towards them.  And that is when I remembered that I had boobs on.  And for a moment, a brief flash of insecurity flooded through me and I freaked out and told Jules I couldn't watch the dogs because of my boobs.  She got up and began walking towards the dogs and I immediately knew I was wrong.

Willing myself to not think about it, I screwed up my courage and followed Jules over to the trio of lake neighbors.  The man appeared to be pretty much a "rough and tumble," sort of guy and the older man appeared to be pretty country.  In fact all of them appeared to be quite country and I was worried about what was going to happen when my boobs became the topic of conversation.

But do yo know what??  We talked about all sorts of things, the dogs, the lake, the water, the weather, the fishing, but never once did my boobs come up in the conversation.  They were quite nice actually.  We chatted for awhile.  I inquired about what they were fishing for and what type of equipment they were using and still, my boobs never came up in the conversation.  We chatted for a bit, said our goodbyes, and headed back to our area.

We spent the rest of that day, fishing, playing with the dogs, and occasionally chatting with the people next to us.  All the while, my boobs stayed where boobs go, and they said said a word nor acted weird in any way.  And I had to yet again admit that the fear was only in my own mind.

Those people couldn't have cared less if I had boobs or not.

Thank you kind people.

Thank you for educating me, once again, about the reality of who people really are.

Too often we humans assume the worst in people.

Too often.

Caution is good.

Crippling fear is bad.

Love you!

Love others!

Latest Cleavage Creation Update

I am sorry that this has taken me so long to finally get around to, but here it is..... my latest update to how I create cleavage!  Yay!

Let me again start off with a few thoughts about me and my cleavage:

- While I understand that many folks may find cleavage appealing on others, I am not interested in attracting others, besides my wife, with my cleavage.  I do it as something to appease my brain.  Weird?  Yeah, maybe more than a bit.  But honestly when I look down and see my own cleavage, my brain says 'yeah that is right, that is what is supposed to be there.'  The fact that I am looking at my own skin, what appears to be my own actual breasts, it just fits with what my brain thinks should be there.

- It is more than a bit embarrassing showing myself stripped down so much, but I am interested in truly being able to share how I go about this process.  It is very amazing to me that I am able to achieve this look and I am always quite stunned that I am able to do it.

- My previous results have been quite good, but I have been searching for something that is more easily done.  Mainly the difference is in trying to find something that works without a "sticky bra."

Anywho!!!!!  On with the show!!!!!

	This is obviously a photo of me with nothing on.  I am showing this to you so that you can see what I am starting with.  I am not on any hormones or taking any supplements for breast growth.  I am still at a point that I do not appear to have any breasts when I take off my clothes.  Which, for now, I appreciate.
Here I am in my newest bra.  And I LOVE the color!  Really, what color are you going to get when buying a bra from Victoria's Secret?  I purchased this bra from a store in Bakersfield, CA.  I have tried to find it online and have been unsuccessful.  But any bra from Victoria's Secret with a 2 cup enhancement will probably work, like this one or this one.
	You can see me in process here.  I have inserted a couple of enhancement cutlets, like these, into my bra.  And what I am actually pictured doing is then pulling up my boobs.
By having inserted the cutlets in between my bra and skin and then having pulled up the remaining tissue, I now appear to have some actual boobs.  This is what I generally wear when I go out.  It is nice and simple, and comfortable!
	When I am looking to give my boobs a bit more umph, I will then wear this item.  It is a great article of clothing, it is called the LoveFifi Elevatrix Bra.  It can be worn in addition to any bra.  It helps give the girls a bit of extra lift!  But it can be a bit uncomfortable.  It comes with two sets of straps and I generally only wear one, as pictured.
And now, I have on a nice top that actually shows off everything that I have done.  This top is from PattyBoutik, and is available here.
	Another item that I have but generally rarely wear, is this.  It is the LoveFifi Elevatrix Power Cami.  I don't generally wear it as it is a bit stiff.  But, wow, check out the results of that!  The only thing I have done, is to take off the previous two items, the top and the bra support and replace it with this "power cami."
And lastly, I now have on another top that shows off the cleavage well.  It is also from Patty Boutik and can be found here.

Well, that is it peeps!  There you have it; how someone with no boobs can appear to have at least a little something something!  Yay for boobs!

Go boobs!

Gosh that was a lot of work!  But hey, it's worth it huh?

Love you!!

The Bra Speriment - Results

It has been some time since I published my first post on my bra wearing experiment and the update to that, but I never returned to it to let you know how things panned out with it all.  Being as it has been quite a bit since I wrote those posts, I thought I would give a bit of a recap of what my bra speriment has been all about.

For a year or two, or possibly more, I have been pondering the use of hormones to help settle some of my anxiety.  My wife and I have been considering if using a light dosage of hormones might help with my mental stability, for lack of a better phrase.  As in maybe it might help me to feel a bit better and less out of touch with my own body and possibly feel more satisfied overall.

While I am very open to the potential mental effects of taking some female hormones, I am highly concerned with any potential physical side effects.  Certain ones, like fat redistribution I am more open to; I think I would like a bit more of a booty than my minuscule, barely there tush!  Of course Jules might beg to differ as she thinks I have an extremely cute butt.  Other physical effects, like loss of upper body strength, would really concern me as I am a work-aholic! Especially when it comes to work around the house, like digging trenches and putting in fence posts and splitting large rounds of oak, etc.  But I am sure that I could find easy workarounds to those issues.

One concern that I just don't really know if I could deal with, is the potential for breast development.  Yeah, okay, sure, some part of me would really enjoy having my own, actual, natural breasts, but the biggest problem with that is that I am not interested in transitioning.

Thus the bra speriment was begun.  Which was, instead of taking hormones and potentially developing breasts and then figuring out if I could live my regular, everyday, male, life, why not try and wear a bra, in my everyday regular male life and see if I could live with that.  That way, if that is not something that I want to continue to do, then I could just take the bra off, instead of needing a mastectomy

That was the plan and thus I began wearing bras throughout my daily life, with one caveat, I happened to also be on vacation so I wouldn't have to wear them to work.  But I wore them pretty much everywhere else: my morning walk around my neighborhood with my dog, while talking with the neighbors in a tank top, to the grocery store, the hardware store, etc.

There were easy times and hard times.  Times I felt fantastic, and times I felt embarrassed.  Plenty of times, I saw my reflection in a window, or a mirror and I was thrilled at my shape.  But many morning, I wanted nothing more than to not have to have the appearance of breasts that day.  I pushed myself to do it, all day every day, but there were times when I chose to take it off.

That was a huge tell to me, proving the importance of performing the experiment.  And really, showing me the true results of the experiment, I don't want boobs that I can't take off.

Which feels a bit sad to me.

Sometimes it is a bit of a weird feeling being in the middle.  Part of me is sad that I really don't want actual boobs, but part of me is really happy about it!  Part of me wants boobs and part of me really does NOT want boobs.  So weird.  So weird that it doesn't really seem to change.  Maybe I might have an easier time if the feeling came one day, and just grew and grew and grew until eventually I decide to transition.  But that is not me.  I am in the middle.  Sometimes it ebbs and flows. But mostly it hovers around the middle.

Hmm.....

I like bras.

Love you!


Photo credits:
https://pixabay.com/en/photos/bra/

Blocky Dress But Great Cleavage

Dress - Guess - Similar

Shoes - ??? (Sorry I forgot!) - Similar

I have had this dress for quite some time and I enjoy wearing it, but I am not so sure that it does much for me.  It is quite a bit of contradictions for me actually.  I really like that it is short.  I like that it has a deep V-neck.  I also like that it has stretchy fabric right at the skinniest point of my waist.  And on hot days, like this day was, I really like how light and flowy it is.

So then... what is it that I don't like about it?  Well it is kind of what I personally call a sack dress.  Now, I know that there are officially items that are truly sack dresses, and I don't know if this dress officially fits into that category, but it is what I personally reference this dress as.  Why?  Well it is sort of a large rectangle of fabric, and that is about it.

Okay, so it is pretty cool that a simple, no structure, rectangle of a dress can help give me the illusion of some curves.  I do like that aspect, but from certain angles, it looks super blocky!

Oh and another thing that I do not think works very well for me is the size of the fabric that goes over my shoulders.  At first I thought that with it being a wider piece of fabric that it would help hide the size of my arms, but I think that with the larger size of fabric that it actually makes my arms look bigger than other items I wear.

Hmm..... yet again, with another piece of clothing, do I actually like it or not?  Life's ponderables.  Interesting.

What about you?  What do you think?  Am I just over thinking things like I often do?  I mean, come on, that is some impressive cleavage that this dress allows me to show off a bit.  Maybe I should just focus on that.  It shows some boobage, and a bit of tasteful boobage is never a bad thing, huh?

Ha!

Love you!

Enjoy boobs.

Cause they are fun!

Well, maybe just to me,

Seriously, I still can't believe that I can create this look with no actual boobs.

Okay, enough!

Loves!

(One more thing - I just googled sack dresses, and this dress is clearly not that, so I need to rethink how I reference this dress!)

Update on Wearing a Bra

The other day I stated to Jules "Oh yay! Finally!"

She questioned what was going on.

I responded with "I so do NOT want to put this dang bra on."

She laughed.

And I continued "But, to drive the point home, I am going to still do it."

This conversation is a good example of how my bra experiment is going.  If you do not remember, in a previous post, I mentioned that I am trying to wear a bra while dressed as a guy.  The main reason behind this is that I have been contemplating what it would be like to live my life with a body that is a bit more of a blend of the two genders.  More specifically, what would it be like to live my life if I actually developed breasts.

What a cute bra!!! I want it!!

I have no intentions of transitioning, or of even attempting to live more of my life dressed as a woman, but just in my mind, I see myself as a mix between the genders, and when I look at my body I do NOT see a mix of the genders.  Plus Jules and I have been discussing some possible mental benefits of taking hormones.  On occasion I have difficulty with feeling.... I don't know.... satisfied???  ... content???  I don't think I am describing it well...so anywho.... some of the mental benefits of taking hormones have been the most interesting for me.  Some of the body changes, I am WAY more frightened of.  What exactly would my life be like if I had my own, real, actual boobs!

And after only about two weeks, I have come to the conclusion of I DO NOT want real boobs.  Okay, well maybe I want real boobs, but I DO NOT want real boobs even more.  Most specifically because of their permanence.

See...the thing is... that even during these two weeks, I have taken off my bra repeatedly.  I have not worn it while sleeping, nor while swimming, or at the lake, or specific times, interacting with certain people.  Most of those things, I don't care about.... the one that does is me taking it off to interact with certain people.  I still wore 100% female clothes, and went and interacted with them, but I personally chose to not wear the bra.  (Even at an almost no padded, A cup bra, it really makes me look like I have small breasts.)  And when I went and talked with acquaintances, while I felt totally fine and comfortable wearing my female, tank top, short shorts, and shoes, I did not feel comfortable looking like I had breasts.

It also made me think about work, and what would things be like at there?  What I am currently doing gives me very small A cup breasts.  And they are incredibly noticeable!  Like all the time.  Maybe if I chose to wear guy clothes it could potentially help hide it, but not by much.  And when you choose to take steps to create real breasts, unless it is done surgically, you do not get to dictate the size.

So... I chose to take it off on occasion... and actual real breasts are NOT removable... therefore.... I do not want to have my own breasts.  I like the freedom of being able to look like I do not have breasts or that I do have breasts, if I want to.

Sometimes it drives me bonkers thinking about this stuff so much; I often wonder what it feels like to never question your gender.  But at the same time... by continually questioning myself, and experimenting here and there... I feel closer and closer to really knowing who I am and what I like.

I am enjoying the experiment.

I am enjoying the feeling of being tired of wearing a bra.

Too often in my life I feel a pulling... a tugging... a nudging... pushing me to try and be more feminine.  It is like a lightly buzzing sound coming from the ceiling above your favorite warm fuzzy chair.  You are all snuggled up nicely in your yummy chair and yet, there is a small annoying sounding buzz coming from somewhere hidden and try as you might you just can't quite figure out where it is coming from and how the hell to get it to stop!

And so I come up with an experiment to try out having breasts and the current result is that I already have turned that annoying little buzz that says...hey be a bit more feminine... is now saying... hey can we please bit a bit more masculine. Thus confirming a previous theory of mine, I feel best somewhere in the middle.  Too much of one or the other and it begins to bug me.

Thus... I am tired of wearing a bra... but I like being tired of wearing a bra...

Sometimes I think I am SO weird!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Do you allow yourself the freedom to experiment and figure out who you are?




http://lightdrafter.deviantart.com/art/bra-shop-482906111
https://www.flickr.com/photos/kidicarus222/122364941
https://www.flickr.com/photos/thisparticulargreg/220942750/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/srsalme/3426442407
https://www.flickr.com/photos/danakin/5386070186

When Does It Pass Gender Non-Conforming?

The heat has hit here in California and I am currently staring at a thermometer reading of 105!  For the past few summers it has occurred to me that I absolutely hate guy shorts!  I was explaining my issues with male shorts to my sister and she came up with the term of "shants."  I was calling them half pants, but shants has a much nicer ring to it!  Thanks sis!

I think it may have been just a year ago that I decided to go with my enjoyment of female shorts and stop changing out of them every time I decided to go into town.  Thus I have mentally pushed myself to just wear the clothes I am wearing, regardless of where I am going.  Frequently that means, I wear females shorts, a female tank top, my female shoes, and a male hat.

This summer though I decided to include wearing a bra, just as is pictured to the left..  Why?  Good question!  One that I have asked myself many times since I began to do this a few days ago.  I have mulled it over in my brain and with my wife, but am still unsure as to a good answer.  Suffice it to say that I have been contemplating getting my body to be a bit more inline with my brain's conception of my own gender; which if you are unclear is somewhere in between male and female.

I only know of one way to accomplish that, HRT, hormone replacement therapy.  But honestly, that absolutely terrifies me.  It is so permanent and while some effects would be appreciated, I don't know that I really want all of the effects that it might bring.  I mean, if you are wanting to transition, then obviously HRT would be a good avenue for you.  But if you are just wanting to be somewhere more in the middle?

Okay, well that is not currently an answerable question for me.  Possibly due to an extreme lack of information.  For example, what would it be like to have breasts that cannot be quickly and easily removed with a simple unlatching of a bra?  What would it be like to have to live with them, regardless of what I am doing and regardless of what I choose to wear?

Thus then, this summer's experiment of wearing a bra, pretty much all of the time.  I have only done it now for a few days, and I have already cheated.  Because it has been terrifyingly difficult!  Mentally difficult.  Nothing bad has happened, but situations have been presented that have far more difficult than I thought.

It is easy to think, oh no big deal.  I am already fully dressing in women's clothes, from head to toe, what difference is a bra going to make?  Many of my bras only have a small bit of padding and thus I would estimate that it appears as though I have A cup breasts.  And I am suddenly acutely aware that breasts are total eye magnets!  I have noticed cashiers staring openly at them as well as just random people in the stores and on the streets.  And so just in the few days I have been experimenting I have come to realize that people notice; pretty much everyone notices!

Which has caused me to remove my bra twice.  The first time, I took my dog on a walk and on the way back two of my female neighbors were out chatting.  We all spoke on the street for a moment and I told them I would bring up my new puppy for them to see.  When I came back up, I had removed my bra.  The next time was this morning when again, while on my walk, I saw other neighbors, a husband and wife.  I told them I would come by in a little bit and share some of my garden's vegies.  When I went over, I had removed the bra.

What does that mean then?  Well if I had real breasts, then I would never be able to remove them.  Kind of a permanent change huh?

Thus for now, the experiment continues.

Though it does make me wonder.  Have I passed gender non-conforming?  Have I passed cross dressing?  Am I on to something else?  Is this a new realm for me?  A different path?  A slide down the slippery slope?

Hmmm.....

What does it take to love yourself?

Should you change

Or should you figure out how to be happy with who you are?

Such a Rubic's Cube problem.

BTW - Did you happen to catch the photo of me in my new bikini?

Outfit for 6-1-2015 - Polka Dot Shorts

Top - Patty Boutique

Shorts - H&M - Similar

Shoes - Charles by Charles David - Similar

I so totally love these shorts but I have had a very tough time trying to figure out how to wear them well.  It is so obvious how much my other clothes work to help make me look curvier.  With these shorts it is also SO totally obvious how I don't have any curves at all!  Ahhhhh!!!

Okay, anyway, what I did end up wearing with the super cute shorts is the top from Patty Boutique.  I think that this top works well with these shorts as it is a shorter top and ends very well right wear the waist of my shorts are.  That way it shows off the shorts very well, which is something that I don't normally do.  Also the top is scrunched up at my waist, as it is designed to do, and the bunched up bit of fabric there draws the eye to that spot and helps adds to the illusion of having a bit of curves and a smaller waist.

I also really like this top because of the nice cleavage that it gives me.  I have several tops from Patty Boutique and all three of them are cleavage showing tops.  You order them according to your bra size.  I bought them specifically to help show of my cleavage and they do a nice job.  This top is a bit loose at the bust and it is helped with a bit of double sided tape on top of the bra.  A little clothes trick there for you all!

One thing I am doing in this photo that is not obvious is a light tuck of my male bits.  I really do not prefer to do this as it tends to be a bit more than uncomfortable for me.  Trust me, I know how to do it right, it is just that my bits really do not like doing it.  But that has limited my clothing options and normally while wearing shorts I wear tops that extend almost to the bottom of the shorts.  With such cute polka dot shorts I really wanted to be able to wear a top that showed them off well.  I decided that I would endure a bit of discomfort for my fashion!  It worked out well enough!

Okay.  Love you all.

Wear shorts.

Wear more polka dots!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Wow! - An Update On My Cleavage

I thought that it was about time that I updated my research into creating cleavage.  As you can see from my picture above, my research is going well. :)

Before I venture down that path though, I want to cover a couple of points.

1 - For me, creating my cleavage is not done for sexual purposes.  It is because for me, it feels/appears that I actually have breasts, and what is on my chest is not simply some expensive silicon.  Even though I do not use breast forms, and my breasts then appear much smaller, being able to look down and see my own skin forming the appearance of breasts is... well... do you see my smile in the above picture?  That explains it well enough.

2 - Recently it has been brought to my attention that people modify their photos with software.  It occurs to me that maybe folks ponder if I do that or not.  (Not that I think I look all that stunning in my photos.)  I just want to make a point that none of my photos are manipulated.  I actually strive to take the clearest photos I can.

Okay, so let the show begin!!

Here we are at my first layer, nothing!  Well there is a little bit of powder in the middle of my chest, between my nipples.  Honestly this is a bit embarrassing putting up a picture of me with my top off and nothing else on.  But I really wanted to show what I am starting with.  Which is basically nothing.  I am not on hormones, I am not taking any herbs, I am not doing any special exercises.  And I am quite in shape.  The one thing I do is to watch my weight.

This photo shows my newest addition and really the inspiration for updating my cleavage creation.  It is the Fashion Forms Women's Amazing Adhesive available at Target.  It is a size B.  It has taken a little bit of tweaking but it works quite well to begin to bring things together.

Now I have on my bra.  It is a Maidenform Double Fantasy, which I don't think is available any longer.  I should have bought two!  It is a 36B.  Part of the benefit of this bra is that it is strapless, thus it has sticky lining along it and that helps it to stay in place and keep other things in place.

In this photo I have put on my Love Fifi Bra Support.  I did a review of that a bit back.  You can read specifically about this item here.

This is a top I bought recently specifically because it is a deep v tank top.  It is from Patty Boutique.  It is interesting as a top as I had to order it by bra size.

And here I am, dressed fully now, and quite happy with my results!