A Human Narrative

What do you picture when you hear the phrase "gang member?"  How about the phrase "founding member of a gang?"  How about hearing someone explain to you, in person, standing not five feet away, that they have possibly taken the lives of human beings in the commission of crimes?  And yes it was left open as to the exact number.  I got the feeling that possibly not even he knew the exact count. 

So?  How about it?  Thoughts on who this human being is?  A pleasant one?  One that makes you think, hey you know what, this is the perfect person to come out to and explain that yeah, I am transgender.  

Whatcha think?  Sound like a good idea?  Does that sound like someone that you would picture as being tolerant?  What about warm and touching?  Well, without much fanfare, I will let you know that was exactly the conversation I had a while back.  I'm not so sure of when exactly it was, except it wasn't super recent.  Maybe a few months ago.  Maybe. 

I do know that back in February I did mention to you that I have been having some odd conversations as of late.  This particular one came about through the fact that I want people to know someone who is transgender.  I read somewhere that something like 80% of the American population does not personally know someone who is transgender.  That is a crime.  Those of us who are transgender seriously need to stop hiding.  It is easy to discriminate against a group of people that you personally have no connection to.  I want the people in my life to have a connection to the transgender world.  It is a small but vital thing those of us who are transgender can do to help out the entire world.  We need to put a face to this whole transgender thing.  We need cisgender people to feel some sort of personal connection to a word.

Moving on.....  So yeah, this guy I chose to speak to that day was pretty high on the list of people I assumed I would never speak to about transgender issues, let alone my own personal ones!  Eeek!  And the things I had heard about him certainly did not help me to feel comfortable about him either.  How about when one of my supervisors told me that we had one of the top three founding gang members working for us?  Yeah!  Not the first person you would chose to have the whole TG talk with right? 

Funny, as because in reality, yes he is all of those things, a gang member, an original founding member of the top gang in our area, a possible murderer, and a felon.  Yet he is also, a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an artist, a hard worker, and one hell of a nice human being.  But if you can't get past the lack of formal education, the time he has spent in prison, the actions he has taken, the obvious gang tattoos covering most of his body, you'd never get the opportunity to learn who this human being is.  

Isn't it more than a bit ironic that is what most of us who are transgender are actually looking for?  For people to see who were are on the inside and stop judging us by our outside shells?  Hmmm..... Yeah.  

Of course I had the conversation with him.  We see each other almost every day at work.  Not for long, but for long enough for us to have a few moments to converse.  One day, kind of out of the blue in my recollection, I told him that I am transgender and that I am taking estrogen. 

He had super thoughtful comments.  One of them was explaining to me how he had a friend in prison who transitioned while in prison.  I was floored by that and asked how in the world a person gets those types of meds in prison.  He explained that you can get almost anything you want while in prison if you are able to pay for it.  I explained that I thought it was sad that this TG human had to exist as a female in a male prison.  Damn. 

He also shocked me when he confided that one of his cousins is transgender.  It turns out that he is super sad because his cousin disappeared for a long time and nobody knew why.  Eventually he got a hold of his cousin and that was when his cousin explained that he was transgender and was transitioning.  He told his cousin that he better come by and begin reconnecting with everybody.  The cousin came over, and everybody was super supportive of her.  Did I explain, besides the whole gang member thing, that we are talking about one of those huge, extended, Hispanic, Catholic families?  Well yeah, there's that as well!  

It was again just one incident in what is becoming a vast number of them that made me shake my head at myself for ever being so foolish to think that I can't be honest with my fellow human beings.  One of the huge things for me was another conversation with this gentleman where he explained how freaked out he was about people finding out about him, his past, and who he once was -- I swear I thought he was going to explain he was transgender!!  If you know transgender humans, that is like our narrative!

Or so I thought.  Apparently, it is not a transgender narrative, it is a human narrative.  We as humans are typically so in need of human contact, and so fearful of being shunned by the herd, that we are terrified to tell anybody who we really are.  It's a sad existence.  I know not everybody suffers this way, but a vast number of us do for sure!  And this coworker of mine, he has apparently been terrified of people finding out that he was a gang member, and had been to prison.  He was afraid that if anybody knew the truth they wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.

Regardless of his past, of who he used to be, he is trying to be someone different.  He has made a vow to his wife, that with his first two kids he spent too much time in prison and missed much of their lives.  So when she had two more children about ten years back, he said he was done, and would never go back to prison again.  And he did it the right way.  He cleaned up his act.  He was able to barely find employment, but he did it, and he has kept his word.  Eventually a judge ordered his record be expunged and he was eventually able to find decent employment, which is how he and I eventually were able to have this seemingly odd meet up and conversation.  

In reality that conversation was exactly the one that needed to be had for we were two people who were both suffering in the exact same way.  It was such a mind blowing moment for me to realize that two humans who have had such vastly different paths in life were able to share the exact same insecurities.  

Shocking.  Seriously.  Shocking.  Well, for me at least. 

It was yet another incident that is slowly but completely changing my opinion of just who exactly my fellow human beings are.  

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Only then can you love each other!

Oh and by the way - the art pictured at the top of the post was a gift to my wife and I from the gentleman I had this conversation with.

Photo Credits:
https://pixabay.com/en/world-globe-earth-planet-blue-1303628/
https://pixabay.com/en/hugging-hug-father-son-family-571076/
https://pixabay.com/en/human-skeleton-the-human-body-163715/

My Outfit - I May Have Been Overdressed

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar

Shorts - Guess - Similar

Belt - ??? - Similar

Shoes - Born O Concept - Similar

This was the outfit that I decided to wear to my first group therapy session.  It occurred about 3 weeks ago.  I liked what I decided to wear, and yes, there are in fact shorts under there, but I do think that I was rather overdressed for the occasion.  It was quite funny as it was my first time at group therapy and many of the other participants have had the chance to get to know each other.  Thus I was the total newbie of the group.  I wanted to wear something that I like, something I felt confident in, and something that was comfortable.  This outfit fit all of those requirements.

The thing was though, while I was comfortable in what I chose to wear, it was quite different than what most others chose to wear.  It appeared as though, I did not get the memo!  Apparently the dress code said casual, super casual, casual to the point that wearing sweats would have fit in better!

At first it made me feel uncomfortable, but after awhile I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else wants to wear, the only thing that is important is what I want to wear!  That is what is important, what I want to wear.  Not what I am supposed to wear.  Nor should what other's chose to wear make me feel bad about my choices and that I should somehow conform to them to fit in.  It's been weird to come to these realizations about what is just going on in my whacky whacky head!

Funny enough, this coming weekend is group again, and I am thinking of going in my half-half mode.  Which will basically be me showing up dressed primarily as a woman, but with my balding head showing and my two weeks of scruff growing on my face.  Yeah, it's funny!  I think I should do a blog post where I show a two-month on hormones comparison photo, but have it be with my beard grown out a bit!  Hilarious to me!  Hahhahaha

hahahahah

hahahha

I amuse myself.  Seriously I do!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hahahahahahaha!!!

What's Up?

Goodness me, how time flies!  I know, I frequently lament my super busy life.  Woe is me, right?  Ah well.  I think that it is because I feel bad for not updating my blog more frequently.  I know that there are at least a few people out there who enjoy my blog and gain something from reading it.  So for you, constant reader, I am sorry that I am so lax in updating things.  Lets see if I can at least recap a few things that have been occurring in my life lately.

- First off I have found an awesome therapist!  And I have actually gone to two appointments!  Woo-Hoo for me!  My wife asked how it went and I said, well picture the scene, you set one dial to talk and the other to my gender, and then said go!  Ha!

- Secondly, (I need to not try and count these bullet points) I have found a physician in the Central Valley who is willing to prescribe hormones to TG people!  Yay!  And though I am freaking out, I get to go see her on this Monday!  Yay!  Ahh!!  Exciting and Scary!  Well, terrifying and thrilling!  Oh and she is an OB/GYN.  I was freaking out calling her.  I had to remind herself that yes indeed I can go see an OB/GYN.

- I have had two visits with my first girlfriend, who I dated about 33 years ago!  She was the first one to paint my fingernails.  Of course at the time I couldn't tell her how awesome it was!  Now, I can finally update her on what I felt so long ago!

- I have come out to my mother in law.  Well, Jules did the talk.  All I did was wear breasts around her, as well as the rest of my fem clothes and such.  The only thing she played with once was my super cute Barbie Pink Coach purse.  But for her, that is awesome!

- What else, exciting?  Oh, goodness me..... I finally requested my wife's friendship on Facebook.  Pretty scary exposing myself so much to so many people.  Well possibly.  But still that connection to me other world is becoming more and more grey.  Which is a good thing.  But it is scary!

- I am most likely going to try estrogen so I have been forcing myself to wear my breasts in more and more places.  I mean, if I am going to attempt growing my own, then I better be prepared for it before they are here and proudly showing! It has been interesting!

Okay.  I gotta run.  Off to the shower and then to dinner with Jules' family.  Hmm..... I wonder what I am going to wear tonight!

Love you!

Love yourselves!
 

Nice Hat

Hat - Slouchy Beanie 

The second compliment that I received today was "nice hat."  This was said to me by the gentleman that was standing behind me in line as I waited to make my next appointment with the dermatologist.  As soon as I finished up, I turned around, smiled at the man behind me, and he complimented my hat.  I really like this hat as well and have received more than one compliment on it.  

About a half an hour earlier I received my first compliment, "Nice shoes!"  The nurse was referencing my awesome polka dot converse.  We then had a conversation about real Converse versus fake Converse.  She was surprised that I was a die hard real Converse fanatic.  I giggled to myself and thought, uhh... did you not even see my shirt?

I thought it was super funny because, as usual, I was doing me, and what felt good to me.  But.... I was also doing me in that I was feeling a bit self conscious about my outfit.  Though not overtly feminine necessarily, at least not as my typical female outfits are, I was still dressed head to toe in female clothing.  I was also wearing a bra with enough padding to give me some shape.  So naturally I thought well, of course this woman notices what I am wearing and knows I am dressed as a woman.  But nope, this woman hadn't notice my clothing, so much so that she didn't even notice the giant shiny Converse symbol on the front of my shirt.

As soon as I was done giggling over this little tickler, I soon found myself in the interesting position of needing to remove my shirt and lie down on the doctor's table.  Why is it that this particular thing was a bit off for me?  Well the nurse that led me into the room, the one who complemented me on my killer shoes, she was apparently staying in the room as I was to take my shirt off.  Oh and yeah, I already mentioned to you that I was wearing a bra, with some small extra pads didn't I?

So uh yeah, to recap, I was wearing a bra with some pads and was needing to basically show this to her.  I thought about it briefly.  Which was probably just a moment or two, but it felt like forever.  The nurse was involved in prepping for the upcoming procedure and I took off my shirt as any other normal person would.  And then I did the extra ordinary thing of taking out my little pads and took off my bra.

It was truly spectacular.  Spectacularly ordinary.  No big deal.  The doctor came in, did the procedure, which was to remove a skin cyst if you must know, and the appointment was over.  I got dressed while she was still in the room, but I opted not to wear a bra.  I mean they did just slice into my back a few minutes prior!

So uh yeah, that happened.  I thought it was funny.  Another example of facing your fears one small act at a time.

Okay peeps!  I hope that you all are doing well!!

Love you!

Love yourselves!!

Hate cysts!!

Hunting with Boobs

About a week ago I tried something that I have never done, I wore a bra and a set of the small boobs out while hunting.  And what was the result?  I had the best shoot average I think I have ever had.  I was super amazed.  I mean I have gone out shooting before while wearing boobs.  You may or may not have seen the post that the above picture was from.  But going out hunting to the duck field while wearing boobs?  Nope I had yet to ever do that.

There are a myriad of things that could go wrong with wearing boobs out to the duck field.  The first of which is that I could be spotted as having breasts.  I wasn't dressed as a woman, I had my standard male hunting gear on.  Besides my face also had quite a bit of beard growth on it and being on vacation I have not bothered to shave in a while.  So there's that!  Another thing is that, really what is the point?  Why would I possibly want to wear boobs while out hunting?  What could the be the possible benefit?

Well, with that last one, the benefit could be better shooting.  Better shooting?  Yes, better shooting?  How in the world could boobs help to make me shoot better?  Well, one of the main things about wing shooting is properly shouldering your gun.  One might think that is a pretty simple affair.  Put your gun to your shoulder, and shoot.  Ha!  I wish it were that simple.  Shooting happens to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Anywho, one of the best ways to shoulder your gun, is to begin by putting the gun but away from you while you bring it up and have it touch your cheek.  You then pull it back to have it seat against your shoulder.  If you do it right, then every time it is in the right position.

How often do I do it right?  Possibly about half of the time.  The other half my gun is sitting on my upper arm, or half way across my chest.  This results in a missed shot, and a possible bruise!  Anywho, while shooting with boobs, they are far bigger than my standard chest equipment.  This makes it so that I do that first part, of putting the gun out away from me, much more often.  If I don't do it, it bonks my boobs!

Thus, it actually helps me to shoulder my gun better!  And the result was that I shot much better than normal!  Yay!  I really thought that I may have found out what my difficulties with shooting have always been, missing boobs!

The only problem with my theory is that I have been out hunting twice with boobs since that first time and I totally sucked!  I mean sucked bad!  It was some of the worst shooting I have ever done!  So much for that theory!

Okay, just a silly little post today.  Oh, and yeah, nobody has said anything about my boobs while hunting.  Either everybody is super polite, or nobody noticed under all of my super fluffy hunting gear.  Oh and I totally know that I have not been posting much lately.  I am technically on vacay right now!  Yay again!  I say technically because while on vacay I am involved with remodeling portions of my house.  Currently I am stuck sanding and filling the ceiling.  Super fun!  So.... I work on the house and twice a week I go hunting.  I am pretty darn tired!

I hope everyone has been enjoying the holiday season!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Sometimes Being Out Is a Responsibility I Don't Want

Is it easy to be out or in the closet?  I think this is something that many of us part timers ponder.  I mean if you are facing certain transition, then the question is moot.  You're not going to transition to the other gender entirely and spend your time sitting in a closet all by yourself.  Life couldn't possibly get done that way.

For those who are just an occasional cross dresser, then again, I think the question is easily enough answered, you can stay in the closet, and who is to be any the wiser?  I mean many cross dressers simply throw on a few bits of girliness, have a few kicks while sitting in the privacy of their own home, and why should they tell anyone and everyone, that they enjoy that?  Many crossdressers will state that life is far easier without anybody knowing, even if that includes their own spouse.  Who am I to say that is wrong of them to do?  Nobody.  I am nobody to say that their choice to remain hidden is wrong.

But now me, how about me and how I choose to live my life?  I don't see myself as your average ordinary crossdresser, in fact I think of myself less and less as a crossdresser as time passses.  What do I think of myself as?  Transgender probably best, and easily, sums it up.  But, do not mistake me, I have no intentions of transition to the other gender.  I may continue slowly meandering towards more of middle path, but that is not the point of this post.

The point of this post is the reality of being transgender, and being out.  By being out, what I mean, is that I live my life, all of it, my personal life, my family life, my friend life, my work life, LIFE!!! as an openly transgender person.  I do not always state it.  I don't carry around a large blinking neon sign, proudly claiming my TRANSGENDER status.  But I do me, openly, and freely, for anyone looking, for anyone that cares to see, and to anyone who cares to ask.

Recently at work, a coworker made me pretty uncomfortable.  He has commented before about the things I choose to wear, like my painted nails, my iPad case, my choice in clothing, specifically socks and shoes.  It has all been fairly innocent and friendly.  But recently, it crossed the line.  He came into a common worker area and stated quite loudly, "hey man, you and your choice of shoes and socks, just throws me."  Or something to that effect, after which he began laughing quite loudly and walked up to another staff member, shoved him in the shoulder and said "hey man, did you get a load of this guy's socks and shoes, and mean really."  And continued to laugh and encourage the other staff member to do so as well.  The other guy sort of looked at the first guy as though he was crazy.

So..... while I choose to not be open about the profession I am in, I will say, it is a HIGHLY protected one.  One where we are mandated to have training on harassment.  And the guy who was harassing me, guess what one of his roles is?  Union representative.  Uh yeah, so that just happened.

Which of course led to me sitting in the Human Resources Director's office today discussing that I consider myself to be transgender, and relaying what this colleague did.  He informed me that it would be handled appropriately and that it should not ever happen and that if it continues to, that further disciplinary action will result.  I thanked him for his time and left.

But afterwards, I felt down about it.  I suppose I felt down because there are times when I don't want this responsibility.  What I really want is to be able to do my job and live my life without the fear of ridicule from others.  Which is exactly why I HAD to go to HR and report the situation.  I HAD to go and tell them, openly, and frankly, that I am transgender, and YES this coworker made me feel uncomfortable and it is beginning  to be closer to border on harassment.

Heavy.

I wish people could understand others better.  I knew I had to go to HR, I didn't want to.  But I HAD to.  I know that I am strong enough to do it, even though I didn't want to.  But I knew I HAD to, for all of you out there who are not strong enough.  For all of you who want to be out of the closet but are afraid because of the potential of ridicule.

But sometimes it is a responsibility that I don't want.

What is that Spider Man line?  With great power come great responsibility.  Geesh, I don't even have mediocre power let alone great power.  But still, I've got the responsibility.

As of late, I have had some TS people kind of dismissing me because I suppose I am not trans enough.  Hmmm..... trans enough yet people?

Love you!

Love and hate responsibility.

photos:
http://thebluediamondgallery.com/r/responsibility.html
https://pixabay.com/en/human-resources-hr-management-1181577/
https://pixabay.com/en/closet-dresser-furniture-wardrobe-764792/

Mr. Unhappy

Do you know what a cystoscopy is?  Well I didn't until recently.  For your sake, I really hope you don't ever have to find out what it is.  Just as a fair warning, this post might be a bit more graphic in nature than some of my other posts.

So.... fair warning...... it may get a bit uncomfortable for some...... if you want to stop reading, now may the time!!!!  Last chance... okay, here we go.

I have been having an issue with some urine retention.  I think I am done going to the potty, and when I put myself away, things dribble down my leg.  Not always, but often enough that I frequently have more than a little wet spot left visibly on my pants.  Not a fun experience to have!!

Anywho..... during my last physical I asked to go see a urologist about the situation.  He ordered all sorts of fun tests!  I got to have several different ultrasounds.  Which were easy.  I got to have an CT scan of my kidneys.  Easy.  Except for the dye injection felt really weird!!

And then yesterday, I got the cystoscopy.  Oh what fun that was!!  I won't get into the nitty gritty details of that lovely procedure.  You can google it if you'd like, but I'm not even going to provide the convenience of a link for you!  Sorry!  I will explain though, the long and the short of it was I had a camera inserted into my bladder.  Yeah!  That happened!  Oh, and while there they decided to do a biopsy, just to check for anything weird.  Uh... that hurt!! He didn't see anything unusual, but he just wanted to make sure.

So..... in the end...... my diagnosis...... I have a prostate that is unusually enlarged for my age.  Everything is benign, and the suggestion is for me to spend a bit more time making sure everything is voided while I use the restroom.  Oh fun!

But here is the thing...... afterwards, I walked out of there really hating the fact that I have a penis!

So uh, yeah.  There you have it.

Will I rid myself of my extra appendage?  Nope.  It's just that right now, I'm not so happy with my Mr. Happy!  Thus the title of this post, Mr. Unhappy!

Ugh!

Oh and yes, I know this procedure can be performed on a female, but do you know how much shorter a female urethra is than a males?  And as well, females have no prostate to deal with either!  Yeah!  Ugh!

Yeah, trying real hard to love myself today!  To love all of myself!

Love you!

Photo credit:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cystoscopy#/media/File:Cystoscope-med-20050425.jpg

A Light Summer Look

Top - White House Black Market - Similar

Skirt - Iris Los Angeles - Similar

Belt - White House Black Market - Similar

Shoes - Guess - Similar

Bracelets - My Own - Etsy

I purchased this top quite some time ago.  So long ago that I actually do not remember when I purchased it.  That means it was awhile ago.  I really liked it when I purchased it, but for some reason it has hung in my closet waiting for the right time.  On this occasion, apparently it was finally the right time.

I do like the look of the top.  It is a nice color, super light weight, and hangs nicely on me.  Now that I see it in these photos, I really don't know why I waited for so long.  Maybe it has to do with my dressing being so limited.  I purchase clothes with super clear intentions of wearing them.  I like the items I buy.  I make sure they actually work for me.  And I come home with things that I like.  I really do.

Yet, so many of my clothes only get a small amount of use out of them.  I really think that it has to do with time.  While I dress in a half and half manner for most of my time, I generally am rather picky about what clothes qualify for my mixed look.  Certain clothes are worn exclusively while I am fully dressed as a woman.  And lately those fully dressed moments have only been a couple of times per month.

So.... what's the answer for my lonely pretty clothes?  Maybe making sure I give myself more dressing times per month, or maybe I should relax my requirements for clothing qualifying as being wearable in a half and half look.

Hmm..... maybe.  Maybe that second thought would be more reasonable.  Really, I am not always so interested in pushing myself to fully dress.  I used to......... you know, these thoughts really deserve their own post.

Okay!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Bracelets, Bracelets, & Even More Bracelets!!!

Work, work, work!!  I'm so funny!  Why?  Well..... I didn't have to work a couple of weeks ago, but I volunteered for the contract, and thus worked I did.  Then this past week, the same thing happened.  Next week, I'm back to my regular employment.  All of this wondrous work has left me a bit stressed out, a bit more moolah in the bank, but a bit tense.  So how did I spend my weekend?  Working!  Ha!

Well, is it really work when you love it?  Woodworking is quite a passion of mine and thus, I spent Saturday and Sunday finally figuring out how to make myself some bracelets.  It is something that I have pondered for quite some time.  I really like, well maybe love, silver bangles, but alas, my largish man hands basically prevent me from owning any!  Low I was sad that I couldn't fit into my mother's bequeathed silver bangles.

Anywho.... I figured that maybe the easiest way for me to have some cool solid bracelets would be to make them myself.  I toiled away for a couple of days, and figured out several different ways to make some, and a couple of ways to NOT make them!  When they explode off the lathe, you kind of figure out pretty quick that you shouldn't do that!

So.... I'm pondering opening an Etsy store and selling them in custom sizes and materials.  I figure that I could pretty much make them in any size, thickness, and materials.  It would be good for us transgender folk, as well as cisgender people.  Hmm.... maybe I could figure out how to fit that into the other ridiculous amount of things that I do.

Which kind of makes me think.... maybe I just like to work.

Hmmm...... enjoying work huh?

Well, enjoying working, maybe not always enjoying the work.

Does that even make sense?

Love you!

Lover yourself!

Love work?

Which Me is the Real Me?

Wow, those two photos combined look really weird!  I have seen this sort of thing done by others and I thought I would give it a try.  Kind of interesting.  Kind of gives me a slightly different view of myself.  It is how I think of my own identity, but it is weird seeing both presentations of me mixed together.

It kind of reminds me of a lyric from Eminem - "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"  Funny.  It also kind of reminds me of photo sets like these:

Like which me is the real me?

But is that what is asked when we see gorgeous women with no makeup on, transformed into an equally gorgeous, but somehow different, woman with makeup on?  Do we ask her which version of herself is the real version?

No.  They are both her real self.  The are both the real her.

But with transgender people, it appears to be a valid question.  So many of us are so concerned with being our authentic self.  Which is often a tagline used by so many to justify transitioning.

So... which me is the real me?  They are all the real me.  The version with the fuzzy face?  Yup, that's the real me.  The version without makeup, yup that's the real me.  The version all made up?  Yup that is the real me as well.

They are all the real me because the real me does not come from my presentation.  The real me comes from within.  As long as I am true to myself, that realness will come through, regardless of how I choose to present.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Take the time to treat yourself right.

It's Bound to Happen

So here I am, Nadine, in my normal state!  Ha!  Seriously, this is how I normally am dressed; in sort of this half and half state.  It is honestly when I feel the most comfortable with myself.  Not fully presenting as a woman, nor fully presenting as a man.  Though I do consider this as my male presentation.

In this photo I am wearing my newest top from Target, it is kind of a cowl neck hoodie.  Um...super cute!  I also have on my dark wash Levi Denizen jeans.  What you may or may not be able to see is that I also am wearing the smallest set of breast forms that I own.  Well actually, the only set of forms that I own, which I think are also the smallest that they sell.  I rarely wear them, but they work out quite nicely with sports bras, which I also have on.  The rest of my ensemble is male; my beanie, and my shoes.

Anywho.... do I have a point to my story? Why yes, thanks for asking!

I tend to put on something like this after work and take care of my dogs.  This often involves letting them out into the front yard and running around our property, throwing bumpers, and generally having fun.  Jules, my two dogs, and I were in the process of this the other day when we heard one of our neighbors ask if she could come by and take some pictures of us with our dogs.

At the time we were maybe about twenty feet away with a bunch of plants between us.  Jules and I look say, yeah sure, we're just hanging out with the dogs, and trying to pull some weeds up in our front field.  Our neighbor walks the twenty feet over to us and we begin chatting.  Me?  Uhh.... sort of freaking out a bit, but I just go on about my business, as though this was all just as normal as it could possibly be!

Fake it tell you make it baby!!

We hung out for a bit, chatting for about fifteen minutes or so before we said our goodbyes.  She did not take pictures during that time, and I did not encourage her.  But really, everything appeared to be totally normal; just like any other day!

Jules and I got back down to our house, looked at each other, and said "well, that just happened."

I assume that my neighbors have all gotten good looks of me.  I dress this sort of half and half way pretty much all of the time.  As well as frequently dressing up fully, freely coming and going from my house.  But in terms of having a face to face conversation with any of them, it has never happened while I have been fully dressed.  But even this half and half sort of state is rare!  I think it has only happened one other time.

This being the second time, it was easier.  Which I am happy about.  I am beginning to see more clearly that people are going to follow my lead.  If I am okay with what I am doing, and genuinely act like I am okay with what I am doing, they will reciprocate that.

Love you!

Love others!

Love yourself!

Comfort!

Undershirt - Next Level

Jeans - Levi - Denizen

Shoes - Converse - Similar

Since I am on a comfort kick lately I thought I would share with you a picture of what I am wearing at this very moment and this is, to me, ultimate comfort! I know, I know, it is a totally horribly crappy photo.  But I decided to take it while I actually am at work, and the only viable location to do so was in a restroom with the only full length mirror available.

Why is this outfit so comfy?  Well, except for my work uniform polo, everything else is female clothing.  It is not blatantly so, but I know it, and that is enough.  And these jeans are so super comfy.  They are possibly the comfiest pair of jeans that I own.  They are a little tight in the thighs, but since they are made of stretchy fabric they are still super comfy.  As well, they are female jeans, but not overly fem.  When I asked Jules what she thought about me wearing them to work, she said "well they are a bit tighter than your normal jeans, but the only way I can tell they are female jeans is that I can actually see your butt."

Which I thought was pretty darn funny!  Considering that my work polo is so long, it covers much of my butt anyway, so who would really know!  And besides, who really cares!  Not me!

And this is actually the second time this week I have worn such an outfit to my job.  And do you know what happened?  Nothing!  Nothing happened, except for that I wore comfortable clothing, and I felt comfortable in my presentation.  Yay!  Good for me!

Now all I need are gender neutral pronouns that everyone else understands then I could be referenced that way and I wouldn't feel weird with folks referring to me as he or she and all would be right with the world for me!

Thanks to everyone for the wonderfully supportive comments and thoughts to my previous post.  It really is not that disruptive to my life, I just want folks to understand that my life is not this peachy, easy, lucky, simple little life where everything is awesome!  So thanks everyone!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Outside the Binary

 It is so strange existing outside of the gender binary and yet it is the only thing I have ever known.  I frequently wonder what life must be like for those that exist within that system.  Well, I can only assume that life itself is probably essentially the same exact life that I live, only I don't think that most people wonder if they are actually male or female.

Most of my life I present as a male, and I have the obvious physical body of a male but I frequently do many things that most other males give me that strange questioning look for.  And I often feel as though I am deceiving people by presenting as a male.  That somehow because of my likes and dislikes I have disqualified myself from male-hood.  

Which makes me think that maybe I should live my life as a woman.  I already go out frequently dressed as a woman.  Heck I got to spend the last three days as a woman.  Even when I was on my morning walk, fully dressed as a woman except for wearing a beanie instead of my wig, people I encountered treated me as though I was in fact a woman.  Which was quite cool actually.

But the problem was that I was still not all that comfortable.  I have read many a post from other cross dressers who state that when they dress as a man they feel as though they are not presenting as their true selves.  And then how when they dress as a woman, it is so freeing and wonderful and awesome that they can finally present as they really are.

And me?  I never really feel very comfortable at all.  I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a male and I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a female.  Where exactly is my comfort level?  Somewhere in the middle.  That is really where I do feel the most comfortable.  Presenting as a mix of gender, which is how I truly see myself, is what I am most comfortable with.

But that is so hard for others to understand.  Wanting to be male, yeah, I get'cha, wanting to be female, yeah, I get'cha.  Wanting to be a mix between the two, yeah, I have no idea what you mean.  I really wonder if those that exist within the binary really understand how gendered our society is.  I notice it everyday.  Every time I listen to music.  Every time I watch TV.  And just about every time I speak with anyone for any real length of time.  Our society is not just centered around a binary gender, the world is.

Too bad that some of us don't fit into the expectations.

Love yourself.

Regardless of your gender.

White Tights

Tunic - WHBM - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Tights - Target - Similar

Shoes - Fitzwell - Similar

On many occasions readers have suggested that I try a pair of pantyhose while wearing a certain outfit or two and while I have honestly considered the suggestion, I have yet to even try it.  But the white tights I am wearing in this outfit might be considered to be a close second?  Maybe?  I don't know!  But I do know that I like the look of them with this tunic.  But I will say that with the white tights and the Mary Jane like pumps, it does appear to be a bit "little girly."

Several of my tunics though are too short for me to feel quite comfortable while wearing them with nothing underneath them though.  And I feel that what I am wearing underneath them should be visible.  So, I like the tights, maybe I should try a different pair of shoes with this next time??  Oh and I don't know if you can really tell, but the belt has a white stretchy back portion to it, which plays off nicely from the tights as well.

I took a few shots of it as well without the belt, just for comparison purposes.  I think it looks much better with the belt.  Actually I think there are very few outfits that do not look better with a belt of some sort.  Jules although does not always agree with me.  She prefers many of her outfits to be without a belt and often thinks I should not wear one.  Interesting differences huh?

Oh well!  Such is life!

Again, I am still far too busy for one little person to deal with...... so....... I am loosing my shit people!!!!!!

Oh an interesting thing.  I determined the other day that I kind of wish their were some sort of words to accurately describe those of us existing in the middle.  I kind of don't like being referenced as a male or as a female.  Neither one really fits me.  And while there are words out there that some have invented to describe us, none of them are in popular usage enough that everyone understands them.  Ah life!!  Again, such is life!!

Okay, gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love belts!

(I love lamp!)