Seriously? Male Privilege

I literally raised my hand and put my palm out towards his face and said "I seriously cannot do this," and I walked away while asking my wife to take over.  She kindly went and found the repairman while I went and had a cigarette.  I thought I was pretty clear on the whole male privilege thing.  I mean I have been dressing as me for about the last fifteen to twenty years.  I have experienced people.  I have experienced males behaving as males may tend to do.  I thought I knew what it felt like for someone to exert their privilege.  I was wrong.

As you may know, I am a teacher.  Currently I am on winter break.  That does not mean tons of fun filled exciting vacay days!  Nope.  It is filled with trying to get everything done that I have been avoiding for the past 5 months.  Yesterday we had two different home repair guys come and do some work for us around here.

The first was a Culligan water guy.  We have super bad well water pumped into our houses around where I live.  The result has been that our water company wants Culligan to install in home water filtration systems.  Sounds great, except for that we get to pay extra for that.  And most of us don't want it.  Heck, I already get Culligan delivered.  Anywho, I had to have it done.

What I didn't need to have is the Culligan dude explain to me that he was going to drill a new hole in my sink because that is the way he has done it for twenty years.  When I asked why he couldn't just use one of the four holes already in the sink. it was explained to me that it would be harder, and he may damage our faucet and he didn't want to accept that responsibility.  However, it seriously took me about four or five times of asking him repeatedly about it before he said that stuff.  Prior to that, it was, this is the way he was going to it, because he said so.  Wow, seriously?

That project got finished up and in the afternoon the heater repair guy arrived.  I explained our problem.  The heater kicks on in the middle of the night, the fan starts blowing, but the burner never lights and thus all we get is frozen in the middle of the night.  I explained how we can turn it off, then on again, and it works for a little bit until it fails again.  The dude was going to go look at the heating unit but then asked to see my thermostat.  Upon viewing my thermostat, he explained to me that the temperature was set too low for the unit to come on and that my solution was that I simply needed to adjust my thermostat.

I'll admit I began my eye-rolling around this time.  I explained that was the case because it was the middle of the day, and not freezing cold as it is at night.  That my thermostat was set properly, but the heating unit was not functioning properly, for a reason other than the setting on the thermostat.  The guy futzed with the thermostat some more, and then called me over to him.  He then began very slowly explaining to me how a thermostat works.

Which is exactly when I shoved my palm out towards his face, told him I seriously could not do this, and walked away.  Fortunately my wife took over.  She soothed his fragile male ego, and listened to him patiently explain how to set the thermostat.  He then reprogrammed my thermostat, that I installed, and that I programmed to turn on with my preferred settings.  Eventually my wife got him to go on the roof and at least look at the unit.

I thanked my wife up and down and asked "how in the hell have you dealt with this bullshit your entire fucking life?"  To which she laughed.  We then had a good conversation about the realities of trying to live while being female.

Meanwhile the repair guy went on the roof, looked at the unit, did nothing, came down, and told us it was fixed and it would be $65.  It was really a good thing my wife handled it, because I don't think I could have handled paying him anything.  I was certainty not interested in paying him for treating us like we were stupid.  The guy seriously did nothing except for basically tell my wife and I that we are too stupid to know how the thermostat in our house works.

This is a weird occurrence for me.  On the one hand it is terribly insulting.  On the other hand it is flattering.  Why the positive?  Well it is a reality of my life, I want people to gender me properly, as a woman.  If I am being discriminated against because they perceive me as female, well that is at least a win for being properly gendered!  Yay!  But, really, no, not yay, actually boo!  Boo?  Well not for the gendering part, but for the realities faced by millions of women, ever fucking day!

Can I tell you a story?  Why yes, I can!  I was visiting my hormone providing doctor.  She told of a story of a transwoman at a party.  A guy came up to her from behind while she was bending over.  The guy swiped his hand down between her legs and up between her butt.  The transwoman was shocked, but that was not the point of the story, my doctors point was how unfazed she was at hearing the story.  Her response was one of "yup, that's life as a woman."  Wow! Seriously?

I mentioned to my therapist how pissed this all makes me, especially when I hear some cisgender people talk about how transitioning is such a choice.  Yeah, well I'm curious, why would anyone think that someone would be interested in choosing this.

I thought I knew about privilege.  I thought that when I was presenting male that I did not take advantage of that privilege.  However, I now realize how foolish that was of me to think.  Privilege is generally not something that someone takes, it is something that someone gives.  As in, there was nothing I could say to get that heater repair guy to listen to me and take me seriously, he had to want to do that.  And what he saw was a dumb blond girl who couldn't possibly know anything about how a complex thing such as a thermostat worked, and thus he had no interest in what I was saying.  That's privilege there pal.

So yeah.  I've got lots left to learn.  And as a society we have a lot of growth to do still.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love and respect life, for it is precious.

Friends, Mis-Gendering, and Warm Fuzzies

My friend has an amazing filter on her camera, it removed about 20 years!!

I had a fascinating set of interactions with some friends recently.  One of them was with three different teachers I worked with for a few years, the second one was with a college professor who I work with in helping to teach teachers, and the third was one of my employers. 

While they will certainly recognize themselves in this post, I will change their names.  My employer, let's call her Emily, I met about ten years ago, obviously when I was presenting male.  The college professor, umm..... Matt, I met at the same time as Emily, though at that time he was teaching me how to better teach math.  The three teachers, Shelly, Mable, and Tom, I met about five years ago, I was their math coach, employed by Emily, and assisted by Matt.  Okay, so if you followed that, you know the players.

I worked with the teachers for about two to three years, all while presenting male, though I did share this blog with several of them.  Anywho, the job ended, life moved on, I stayed in touch with Shelly through Facebook, and I happened to transition during this time period.  Uh, yeah, that happened.  Earlier this year, I thought it would be fun to meet up with them for lunch.  We made plans, and all arrived at the selected destination.  Tom was clearly unaware that I had transitioned.  In fact that moment was the first that he discovered anything about my gender variance. 

I naively assumed that Shelly would inform everybody about my transition.  Her version of events is that it was not her business to share. Wow, so cool!  That is not what the expected norm is that most trans people dread.  However, when Shelly shared further that she also had not updated my name in her phone, I was acutely aware that I had not done my due diligence.  Here were three friends that I clearly neglected to have the conversation about my transition with.  And now they were in the dark and just barely catching up, and I am left feeling uncomfortable about my lack of communication.  The lunch went very well, and it was enjoyable.  We did catch up.  Many mis-genderings occurred, and a few mis-namings, but effort was made, and we had a good time.

A few weeks later, I met up with Emily and Matt again.  Emily is employing me again to continue trying to teach other teachers, and Matt is doing his math-guru thing, teaching teachers, teaching coaches, teaching the world.  Matt is actually very familiar with the teachers I met up with, and Shelly in particular.  I mentioned to him that I saw them for lunch.  He was happy and we reminisced.  Later that day, Matt said he would call me to meet up in the evening for a drink of wine.  I joked with him about whether he still had my phone number and if he had been like Shelly and had not yet updated me in his contacts.  He informed me that he already did update it and told me he would give me a call. 

We never did get a chance to meet up that evening, however, the next, Matt made a point to come up to me.  He said I want you to know that, even though I met you ten years ago, and you were clearly presenting male, it feels as though I have always known you as a woman.  As soon as you told me your real name, I immediately updated it in my contacts, and that is the only person I ever think of you as. 

Ummmm..... WOW!   Wow, Matt, you hit that one out of the park baby!  That was one hell of a home run statement!  When I re-told that story to my therapist, she got goose bumps.  For me, I have had warm fuzzies every since. 

Okay, so later that day, after speaking with Matt, I found myself chatting with Emily.  She was letting me know how bad she has felt for all of the mis-genderings she has done.  She has done quite a few, but she is working on it, and getting better.  The other thing is, she often calls herself on it, which is nice.  She said to me, that she is sorry, but that she is also super thankful about how kind, polite, and forgiving I am towards those who may make a mistake.  I told her, well, but of course, it is understandable that it can be difficult for some.  She thanked me again, and mentioned that many trans people she has known have not been nearly as gracious as I have been.  I told her that I appreciated her speaking to me.  And I really did appreciate it, especially when later that afternoon she did properly gender me. 

So there ya go.  That is a nice summation of what it has been like since coming out to one of my employers.  In short, it has gone fabulously!  And did you notice what I did there with the three teachers?  I blamed myself, not them.  Sure I could blame them, but what would I be proving?  That I can be petty and bitchy?  I didn't go there, and I'm not going to go there.  That's just not me.  It does indeed hurt being mis-gendered, and mis-named, but I believe in being kind, and being optimistic about the future. 

Sure it would be great if everybody thought the way that Matt does, it's actually quite impressive, but that is just not reality.  Reality is, if I want to continue meeting these teachers for lunch, every now and then, and to have them properly name and gender me, I choose to be nice now when they are taking the time to learn.  I'm a teacher.  I'm very forgiving in the face of those attempting to learn.  In fact, I'm going to be, helpful, kind, and nice. 

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love learning and growing!

My Hair

On occasion I receive compliments on my hair.  I really appreciate the thoughts but I also feel super guilty and almost immediately have to tell people that it isn't actually my real hair.  It is something that I need to stop doing.  Who cares if people know that it is my real hair or not, right?  

I suppose I am the only one who really cares and ultimately it is a result of having not voluntarily given up my hair.  Alas there are many things that continually bum me out about the lasting effects of testosterone, and a huge one has got to be the loss of my hair.  If you don't know, losing one's hair is typically a result of testosterone converting to DHT (dihydrotestosterone,) it can also come about in females from DHEA and testosterone also converting to DHT. Exciting stuff, huh?  Oh boy! It is interesting that while baldness typically affects men, it is also a problem for many women.  Bummer! 

Point being, if I had started estrogen and spiro oh so long ago, like anywhere before age 18 or so, I would most likely have super luxurious hair today!  Okay, maybe not, but I'd have more hair than what I have today.  Wanna see?  Okay, here ya go.

That was my senior photo.  I was eighteen at the time.  Like the color?  Well it is sort of natural.  I spent so much time swimming in pools and at the beach, the salt and chlorine would totally bleach out my hair.  Personally I really liked the color.  I think occasionally I assisted the sun with some Sun-In or peroxide.  But generally that color is what I consider my natural hair color to be.  

I think this whole hair thing has got to be funny for people that have met me within the last fifteen to twenty years.  That is about how long it has been since I shaved it all off.  People have asked me on occasion as to why I don't grow it out again.  If I could, I would.  Seriously.  It is not super noticeable how much hair loss I have when I keep it cut super short - like no guard on the clippers short.  But if it grows for more than a week or two, you clearly see the typical male pattern baldness toilet seat pattern.  

Alrighty, anywho - I have no hair unless I wear my wig.  But, if I did have hair, it would be close to the same color as the wigs I chose to wear.  Which is one of the things about my wig style and color that helps to make my hair look a bit more natural.  Oh and also the fact that I buy rather expensive-ish wigs.  They are Jon Renau, one is the Zara, and the other is the Amber.  I do however have a rather largish head and thus I will only purchase wigs that have specifically been made using a large wig cap.  This is a big issue.  Most males do have large-ish heads and standard sized wig caps just do not sit right on our heads.  It is not a matter of it just being too tight, it is the wrong size.  It looks a lot like a small baseball cap sitting on top of a Charlie Brown head.  Well, for me at least.  

Okie Dokie peeps!  I am outta here!  

Love you!

Love your hair!

Yes, even if it is "just" a wig.  Come on, every bodies doing it, right?!

Outfit - My Usual State

Top - New Balance - Similarish @ Amazon (Looks cute at least!)

Jeans -Levi:Denizen @ Target

Shoes - New Balance (Arishi) - @ Amazon - @ Famous Footwear

Hat - @ Amazon

Here you see me in my more natural state.  I thought it would be good to finally post up something from how I actually look in a more day to day appearance.  This was inspired by two elements 1 - somebody mentioned to me that they don't ever go out because they don't pass, 2 - I haven't been posting many outfit posts recently because I have not been going "all out" lately. 

Okay so first point - here is a closeup up transgender me:

Is it obvious that I am not attempting to pass?  Now I fully understand that within the transgender spectrum, passing is an important thing, not actually to the people that they are passing to, but rather to the people that are attempting to pass.  So..... I totally get it when we are talking about the people who need to view themselves as who they know they are.  It truly is an amaze-balls experience to finally see yourself as how you know you have always expected to see yourself.  If that makes any sense!  Ha!

But.... if one's concern for passing is for fear of reprisal due to reveal of one's transgender status, then I want to be the one who gently nudges you to seeing the possibility that one can exist in this world as a transgender human.  A human that others see as a transgender human.  For this is personally how I normally appear in, oh, about, 99.9% of my life. 

I will admit that I have figured out how to take a pretty darn nice photo.  But really, that photo is just a small moment in time.  A carefully crafted moment.  The right lighting.  The right angle.  The right lighting.  The right camera.  The right lighting.  The right wig.  The right ligh...... okay, enough already!  Argh!  Point being is that in any given month, before starting HRT, I would normally only dress with a wig and makeup, maybe once or twice in a month.  Now it is even less.  But dressing in some sort of mixed gender presentation, oh well, yeah, that occurs the entire rest of my life.  That happens when I am working in my yard, going hunting, working at my job, going to the grocery store, living my life.

Not passing, is my life. 

I may very well pass when I give it a go.  It is still not 100%.  Certainly not when you actually speak to me.  But honestly passing is irrelevant.  I know how hard that is to understand when you don't have any personal experience with that, but it is what I experience.  Maybe someone can take something from my experience and give it a whirl! 

It's hard.  I get it.  I really do.  Which brings me to point 2.  I have not posted many outfit posts lately because I have not been going all out.  The wigs have been super annoying lately, and so has makeup.  That has not really inspired me to take photos of myself!  Because for me, I do not in any way see anything even remotely feminine in them.  But I'm trying to come to grips with some of my own personal issues, so.... here you go, you get to see the most common form that I take!  Ha! Like a shape shifter or some such shit!  Hahahahahaha!

Keep in mind online realities - these are reflections of real life, and reflections are often distorted.  Not wrong, just a bit different.

Live life.  Observe reality. 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hot pink!!

Asymmetrical Top

Top - White House Black Market - Similar

Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar

Shoes - Ralph Lauren - Similar

I love this top!  It is so perfect for being able to wear with pants, or shorts!  Well at least it is perfect for me.  For I am not a tucker.  If you're reading this blog I will assume that most of you are aware of what tucking is for a transgender person, but if not, then click here.  Personally tucking just does not work all that well for me.  Sure I know how to tuck.  I've tried it repeatedly with a variety of different methods or assisting devices and it really just does not work how I think it should.

How should it work?  Well in my mind it should result in a perfectly flat smooth front.  Which I can never get!  Trust me, I know how it works.  I know what you're supposed to do.  But alas it just does not work the way that I hear of it working for some.  Apparently for some folks, they can achieve this perfect tuck, such that nobody would ever suspect that they have more in their shorts than they are supposed to.  I've read of some who can tuck so nicely that they can wear a thong bikini and nothing shows!  Um..... wow.

Honestly, for me, that just does not work.  The best possible method for me, is to wear some spanks and place me extra bits kind of down the side of my leg.  That way things at least look nice and smooth, even in the tightest of skirts.  But leggings?  Yeah that is a different story entirely!

Thus what is someone in my position to do?  Well, wearing shirts that are longer in the front provides for some excellent camouflage!  Thus my love for this shirt!  It's asymmetry provides for the perfect cover for me.  That way I don't have to do anything special.  I can wear my regular undergarments and simply wear this shirt, and then POOF, nothing shows!  Yay!!

The other totally awesome thing about this particular top is that it is long in the front, but normal length in the back.  Which means, that in a piar of leggings, my front is well hidden, but my butt is showing!  My wife especially likes that aspect of it.  And so do I.  I mean, I don't have the typical lady tushy, but my back side is pretty perky!

Okie Dokie!!!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Please do try and love yourself!

I mean, work at it.  It takes effort, and not just acceptance.

So do it!

At The Beach

Maybe you were expecting bikini pictures?  If so, sorry to disappoint.  It is far too cold for bikinis at the beach!!  Brrrr!!!!  But you do get to see the nice new Columbia fleece jacket I picked up recently for a steal at 30 bucks!!  Woo-Hoo!!  And maybe at some point I will actually do an outfit post on what I am fully wearing.  But not today.

These photos were taken prior to the dinner that I wrote about in my previous post.  Jules and I had awoken in Pismo Beach this morning and all we had on our schedule was to get to Paso Robles for dinner with our friend.  So to kill some time we drove along the coast until we found a nice place to stop.  

I thought I would post these photos up as often I do not share my casual photos with the blog-o-sphere.  Generally when I take my outfit photos, it is with my hair freshly brushed, and not clipped up, I have reapplied my lipstick, and blotted my face to remove at least some of the oils from my skin.  So basically those photos tend to be as close to perfect conditions that I can get.  And the results are often some decent looking photos.  

These beach photos though, yeah not the best appearance for me.  They were taken by Jules as she and I walked along the waters edge, searching in vain for some shells.  Alas, it was a rock only beach.  We did find some cool rocks though.  

Anywho.... I thought I would share some photos that are a bit more realistic in my out-and-about appearance.  Hope you approve!!  And if not, then oh well!!  See.... in general, it is fairly easy to fool a camera.  When I am working at it, I can get a decent looking shot, but that is often not how I appear in day to day existence.  Often people will tell me that I pass SO easily that I must always have a super easy time getting out; with everyone always taking me for nothing but a female.  SO not true peeps!

I have learned how to fool the camera.  But in real life, not so much.  Yeah from a distance I appear fairly female, but without my hair brushed right, without my makeup perfect, with just hanging out on a cold wind blown beach and a spur of the moment, spontaneous photo - yeah it shows a bit more of the truth.

But I am fine with that.  I know what I am, and I love it!!

Love you!

Love the beach!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss it SOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!!!!

Love yourself!

It's Bound to Happen

So here I am, Nadine, in my normal state!  Ha!  Seriously, this is how I normally am dressed; in sort of this half and half state.  It is honestly when I feel the most comfortable with myself.  Not fully presenting as a woman, nor fully presenting as a man.  Though I do consider this as my male presentation.

In this photo I am wearing my newest top from Target, it is kind of a cowl neck hoodie.  Um...super cute!  I also have on my dark wash Levi Denizen jeans.  What you may or may not be able to see is that I also am wearing the smallest set of breast forms that I own.  Well actually, the only set of forms that I own, which I think are also the smallest that they sell.  I rarely wear them, but they work out quite nicely with sports bras, which I also have on.  The rest of my ensemble is male; my beanie, and my shoes.

Anywho.... do I have a point to my story? Why yes, thanks for asking!

I tend to put on something like this after work and take care of my dogs.  This often involves letting them out into the front yard and running around our property, throwing bumpers, and generally having fun.  Jules, my two dogs, and I were in the process of this the other day when we heard one of our neighbors ask if she could come by and take some pictures of us with our dogs.

At the time we were maybe about twenty feet away with a bunch of plants between us.  Jules and I look say, yeah sure, we're just hanging out with the dogs, and trying to pull some weeds up in our front field.  Our neighbor walks the twenty feet over to us and we begin chatting.  Me?  Uhh.... sort of freaking out a bit, but I just go on about my business, as though this was all just as normal as it could possibly be!

Fake it tell you make it baby!!

We hung out for a bit, chatting for about fifteen minutes or so before we said our goodbyes.  She did not take pictures during that time, and I did not encourage her.  But really, everything appeared to be totally normal; just like any other day!

Jules and I got back down to our house, looked at each other, and said "well, that just happened."

I assume that my neighbors have all gotten good looks of me.  I dress this sort of half and half way pretty much all of the time.  As well as frequently dressing up fully, freely coming and going from my house.  But in terms of having a face to face conversation with any of them, it has never happened while I have been fully dressed.  But even this half and half sort of state is rare!  I think it has only happened one other time.

This being the second time, it was easier.  Which I am happy about.  I am beginning to see more clearly that people are going to follow my lead.  If I am okay with what I am doing, and genuinely act like I am okay with what I am doing, they will reciprocate that.

Love you!

Love others!

Love yourself!

How Many Bras are Too Many Bras?

Okay so there is a bit more pictured here than just bras.  There are a couple of clothing items folded up on the seat of the couch, but most of that pile is tank tops bras.  In front of that is my collection of cutlets and my sole remaining pair of silicon boobs.

The picture above is the result of me feeling as though I had too much stuff jammed into my bra drawer.  I took everything out, threw a couple of things away, and arranged the whole kit and kaboodle.  Really, I had no idea that I had so many bras.  Maybe if I had really known just how many that I have I wouldn't have purchased the two or three more bras this past Christmas.

Once I had them all laid out I asked Jules the question "how many bras are too many bras, for somebody that doesn't even have boobs?"

The answer?  There can never be too many bras for me.

For it is through these wonderful, magnificent, incredible garments and accouterments that I am able to achieve something like what is pictured above.  And I sit here now, looking at that photo, at what I can create and I understand how important that is to me.

The fact that I can achieve something that allows me to see myself with such a feminine feature really helps.  It helps me to feel better about myself and my body.  It helps me to really appreciate what I do have and not be so irritated by what I don't.

There may be those who think that my efforts at creating some decolletage are an attempt to attract those that may appreciate that sort of look, but it is so not.  I mean, if others like it, that is fine, totally fine, it is flattering, but really it is for me.

It helps me to like me.

And thus what did I do, while out shopping the other day?  I used my gift card.

I like bras.

I love me.

I hope you can find something that helps you to love you.

You Look Much Cuter in Your Other Picture (Actually Finished this Time!)

Goodness, did she just say what I think she said?  I pondered that question as I walked away from the Shisheido counter in Macy's.  It had been a strange dichotomy of people's opinions and I just wasn't that sure I had heard her correctly.

Earlier, Jules and I had walked up to the Clinique counter to get some new eye makeup remover.  It was gift time at Clinique and thus of course there was quite a line backed up.  I told Jules that I was going to try and find Shiseido as I needed some new blotting papers and theirs are the best!  Slowly I wandered around the makeup area unable to locate their counter.  Eventually some nice sales associates, from Lancome, asked me if I needed help.  They pointed me in the direction of the Shiseido counter and one of them complemented me on my hair, which I thanked her for and then the other complimented me on my tunic, which I thanked her for as well.

Off to the Shiseido counter and eventually actually locating it.  Once there I was greeted by a younger sales associate who asked what I needed and I showed her my dwindling packet of blotting papers.  This nice lady, who was selling a different brand informed the actual Shiseido associate if she would help me.  This lady quickly located the item I needed and then informed me that it was gift time and asked if I needed anything else.

I don't normally purchase other items from Shiseido and thus didn't know what they might be able to offer.  After a bit of explaining I got a cleanser from them as well.  Everything was going quite smoothly; nothing occurring out of the ordinary.  I took out my wallet, handed her my credit card, and my ID, which as you may know obviously shows my male photo.

I don't often think about it much anymore while making purchases.  I have done this SO many times now it is kind of ridiculous.  The sales associate rings me up, I sign my name, she packages everything up, hands me my bag and then comes in real close to me, so that only I can hear her.  And she then kind of whispers to me, "Well obviously you look fine in real life, but you look much cuter in your other picture. I just thought that you should know that."

Being as I wasn't 100% sure what she said to me, as I had not really processed her comments at that point, I thanked her and walked away to find Jules and leave.  And within a few steps I was almost pissed off enough to go back to the counter and tell her that she should keep her shitty, ignorant, opinions to herself.

I mean fine, she is entitled to her opinion.  And she expressed it in a polite enough manner.  And to someone like me, someone who switches back and forth between their gender presentations of male and female, fine so she thinks I look better as a male.  But I began thinking about all the rest of us out there and especially those of us who are choosing to transition.  How would someone in that position receive that comment.  Umm.... not good!  That would have been a really quite shitty comment for her to have said.

And it made me realize how hard it must be for those who do transition to have to live with their male ID while awaiting all of the hoops one must jump through before being able to obtain an ID that matches their identity.  And for them, and those folks, I wanted to go back to the counter and start a ruckus with that ignorant woman.

But I was tired, and Macy's was crowded, and thus I simply left.  I still feel bad.  I still feel as though I dropped the ball.  I missed an opportunity to provide a much needed education to someone who should know better.  It is exactly those types of comments, from people with best of intentions, that can sting so much.

Now, what is my responsibility if I am feeling so irritated by her?  Contact Macy's and Shisheido and inform them that they need to better educate their employees so that hopefully this woman never insults others in this manner.

Okay.  Rant over.  Thanks for listening.

I will still visit Macy's.

I will still purchase Shiseido items.

I will just keep my wits about me and inform ignorance of their ignorance on the spot.

I am strong enough to stand up for myself and help educate the uniformed.

Watch out.

Love yourself people.

The End of the Trip

I know, I know, I used the above photo for my previous post on my trip, but it is a great start to this post as well, so, it is what it is.  This photo was taken in front of the Grant Park Best Western in Chicago upon Jules and I arriving there after our fun, but event-less trip to Wisconsin.  Basically after our long drive, we got into the hotel and crashed!  Jules though was so sweet, she got me a massage at a place right down from where we were staying.  I was a bit tuckered out so it was really nice!  And no, I did not dress as a woman, I changed to male mode.

Anywho... the next day we got up early and got out to see the city.  First I wondered around Grant Park on an early morning walk, in male mode.  And snapped these shots:

I returned to the hotel, where Jules was finally awake.  After changing, we went out and hit the city.  Our first stop was the Sky Deck.  If you are ever in Chicago, I highly recommend this attraction.  It was pretty cool.  We too other travelers advice and showed up early.  From the look of all of the robes and places to hold people, it looked as though we did it right, as there was hardly any wait for us at all.  I would say it took us maybe fifteen minutes at most to make it up to the top.

Well if you can make it out at all through this very crappy picture, here I am at the top of the tower, on the Sky Deck.  I am wearing my very thrilling outfit of jeans, tennis shoes, and my white Guess tunic.  Here is a much more thrilling shot from the Sky Deck:

We spent about a half an hour on top of the Sky Deck before we left and headed off to the Art Institute of Chicago.  Jules and I really like museums, they are a great place to be out while dressed as a woman.  Besides, one of Jules' favorite painting is housed there:

Here is a very thrilling shot of me perusing some art:

I was pondering the above figurines as they are Rodin's and they are so joyous, so totally not his style.  I was discussing this with my sister and she said that everything that he did that is somewhat happy was done by and apprentice.  Hmm.... I never knew that!

After our trip to the museum, we figured it was probably best to avoid much of the Chicago traffic and get ourselves to the airport for our flight.  It was an uneventful journey there and yes I took my second flight ever dressed as a woman.  The TSA did nothing extraordinary with me presenting as a woman, and very shortly after we we off on our way to Pennsylvania.

Unfortunately I did not get any photos of me on the plane to PA.  Oh well.  We arrived late into PA, and it took even longer to actually get our rental car and then drive to the hotel.  It was a super late night, and I am sure that I looked lovely at around 3am again!  Ugh!!

That night was to be my last dressed as a woman for most of the rest of the trip.  For those of you who have been reading my blog for a bit may know that my dad died back in January.  Well we finally got him buried where he requested, back in his home town of Coatsville, PA.  It was a lovely, and short service, exactly what he wanted!  So it was nice to get that done.

The best part of the trip was getting to visit with my sister.  We got to go back to the Amish country with her children and have them experience what she and I did when our parents took us out to PA.  Afterwards we drove up to my sister's place in upstate New York.  While my sister did, very nicely, ask if she would ever be able to meet Nadine, the occasion never did arise.  We did however get to visit Niagara Falls:

Our last flight, back to Vegas, was boring and done while presenting as a male.  But I got to spend some time in Vegas while dressed as a woman, which was nice.  My last trip photo of me as a woman was the following:

It was taken while driving back to California and having gotten back into the car after being blown all over the place by the powerful desert winds.  Overall I had a great time on my trip!  I highly recommend taking the risk and going for a flight while dressed as a woman.  It was very much worth the effort!

Love you!

Thanks for reading!

Love yourself!

Fly somewhere!

Travelling While Transgender

When I last wrote about my trip back east, Jules and I had gotten off the plane in Chicago, got our rental car, and were off heading for Kenosha Wisconsin with an ominous warning.  The car rental guy made sure to warn us that the folks in upstate WI were not quite as understanding as they were in Chicago.  It gave me a small pause of doubt, but I reminded myself that I am secure in what I do and who I am.  So I took a deep breath and kept driving.

Besides, Kenosha is not anywhere near upstate WI, it is much more like a beach town, as I found out a few short hours later.  I was a little hesitant as we pulled up to the hotel and was not quite sure what to think about the folks.  Some people's opinions of life have often left me confused and unsure if what I see is accurate or not.  Many folks have told me that I appear to have such an easy time going out in public dressed as a woman because I live in California.  Thus the implication is that if I were to venture outside of California, or at least the west coast of the United States, then for sure I will encounter problems.

What I was wearing when I arrived in Kenosha.

So it was with more than a bit of hesitation that I got out of the car and walked into the hotel to register Jules and I.  She and I walked into the hotel like everything was totally normal.  I let the clerk know that we were checking in and I handed her my male ID and credit card.  She, surprise surprise, acted like everyone else has ever acted.  She looked at my ID and my credit card, thanked me and ran my card through the machine.  Wow!  How crazy and scary!  Holy Crap batman, she treated me like I was a totally normal person!  And where was I, that's right Wisconsin of all places!

Jules and I got checked in, got our items, and loaded everything into our room.  At that point we had been awake for about 36 hours or so at least, but we were starving and needed to get some dinner.  Being as it was super cold outside with the wind whipping in off of Lake Michigan, I decided that I needed to change my clothes to something a bit warmer.  That was when I discovered that I forgot to pack any of my female jeans!  Ahh!!  What ever will I do??

Well I ended up wearing this:

Thus it is that I ended up walking out of my hotel room, in Kenosha WI, with my male jeans on and the rest female attire.  I was super nervous as Jules and I decided that the place that sounded the best to eat at was a bar, and we generally steer clear of bars.  Gender variance and guys with alcohol have been said to not play well together!

But the place that we chose was awesome!  Everyone there treated me quite well.  No one pitchforked me because I was a guy dressing as a woman who was wearing male jeans!  Crazy, I know, right!  By the way, the place we ate, pictured above, is a great bar/restaurant.  They had lots of good things to drink, though Jules and I did enjoy the massive selection of beer as we are tequila drinkers.  But we got a bit of that, and some awesome burgers!  If you ever find yourselves in Kenosha Wisconsin, we can both highly recommend this place.

After we ate our yummy dinner, I had to go visit Target as I was feeling super self conscious in my male jeans and needed a female replacement pair!  Thus off to Target.  We also stopped and got a bit more alcohol, and some sodas.  So out and about in Kenosha Wisconsin and absolutely nothing happened, except for us having a fabulous time!

Up next?  Travelling to central Wisconsin, where apparently the folks can be a bit different.  Though, it would not quite be the same as I would be driving there presenting as a male.  But I would be dressing while we were there, so I had that to look forward to!  Maybe!  Who knows what those Wisconsin folks were going to be like up there in the middle of the state!

Ahhh!!!!!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love Wisconsin!

Well, at least Kenosha!

Outfit for 4-19-2015 - I Have Arms!

Dress - White House Black Market

Shoes - Taryn

Oh goodness, I SO love this dress.  I love the fit of this dress so much, I bought a 2nd one that is basically the same dress, just black with white polka-dots.  But I like this one a little bit more than the other one.  This is my favored one because I there is something about this dress that immediately made me less self conscious of my arms.

Arms are one of those "tells" that I often feel very aware of.  My sense of insecurities is so intense it often amazes me.  After all of this time and still I think that doing something like showing my arms is going to cause the masses to finally pitchfork me!  I keep trying to tell myself that regardless of what I think everyone HAS to know that I am a guy in a dress.  And if that is the case, then what difference would it make if I show my arms.  Who cares how many "tells" I give the world?  If they all know that I am a guy anywhere then what does it matter?

It really shouldn't!

Suffice it to say that I am self conscious of showing my arms while dressed as a woman, but when I put on this dress my arms seemed to disappear.  Wow, what a magical dress!  And ever sense I have been trying to determine what it is about this dress that makes it appear that way.

When I look at the above pictures, the picture on the right clearly shows my arms.  And obviously my arms have not shrunk in the dress.  And yet, with the photo on the left, and the one on top, my arms appear smaller to me.

The dress does fit extremely well, thanks to the side zipper on it.  But I don't think that is what does it.  I think it is the large stripes.  Something about the large blocks of color I think makes my arms appear smaller.  I also think the large black stripe right under my bust draws your attention to that spot on my torso.  Which is also awesome as that is the smallest portion of my waist!

I wore this outfit while out shopping this weekend.  It had warmed up and was predicted to be in the upper 80s.  Jules and I went to Macy's, JCPenny's, and Cal Spas, and to Costco.  We had a few things to pick up.  Some makeup, a part for our outdoor spa (yummy!) and of course household goods at Costco.  It was a nice day, and I really did not think about my arms at all!

Updates:
- Thanks to everyone for their opinions on my photos, yes I did enter the Glamour Boutique contest!
- My puppy is doing great.  We have had him for about 3 weeks now! Yay! Puppy!
- Drama continues to ensue with my dad's ex.  Which sucks! But I am getting through it.

I think that is about it lovelies!

Thanks for everything!

Love you!

:)

From Male to Female - Transformation Pictures

                                      7 AM                                     10 AM

This day started off with walking my dog on unknown streets.  My and wife and I has spent the previous evening hanging out with friends a few hours away from our house.  Instead of driving home we stayed overnight. I begin everyday by walking my dog.  The picture on the left is while I was out on that walk.

This happened to be the day that I forgot my socks, mentioned in my previous post.  While on the drive home from our friends town, I took some selfies.

Which picture do I like more?  The fem one.  Not because I don't like my male self, it's just that I think it is a fairly goofy looking picture of me.

I do believe this is the first picture of me dressed as a male that you can clearly see my face that I have ever posted on my blog.  There is a certain amount of fear involved in doing so.  But I suppose I am feeling brave today.

But I am also less fearful of the consequences of my male world discovering my female side.  They mostly know anyways, so what is there really to be afraid of?  Fear itself!

BTW - Do you notice how much whiter my teeth look in my fem picture?  Weird.  Cameras are weird!

Love you!

Love yourself.

Face your fears.

They only bite occasionally!  ;)

Posing for Pictures

 

Occasionally my wife and I will look at pictures of other cross dressers and frequently Jules has commented that the person would look so much better by standing in a different way.  For a little while now I have been taking pictures of myself in different poses so I could demonstrate what my wife is talking about.  Oh and I read once that women naturally pose well for pictures; uh... no.  It is a learned skill, so read on lovelies!

Let's start with the pictures on top.  On the left is my frumpy stance.  Okay, there is my super cute dog in the background, but what about me?  1st - my feet are about shoulder width apart.  Which, even with my killer skirt makes my lower half look very blocky.  I try to keep this in mind even while walking, thus I tend to try and walk with my knees close together and my ankles brushing.  2nd - My arms at straight down at my waist.  This makes my shoulders look extra blocky as well.  3rd - My shoulders are slumped.  Well slouching looks good on no one!  It makes my shoulders look extra big and makes me look less confident.  4th - lastly, my chin is down.  This makes my neck look extra thick and also makes me look less confident.

 

1st - I again have my legs about shoulder width apart.  Well for me, I am surprised on how chubby that makes me look!  Wow, look at that belly!  2nd - My arms are down at my waist, again making my shoulders look extra large.  3rd - Slouching shoulders again!

With the picture on the right I am doing a couple of things that maybe you don't notice.  One of them is I am leaning back a little bit.  This really pulls my shoulders back and decreases their appearance.  So many people think that by slouching people will not notice how big their shoulders are when exactly the opposite is true!  The other thing I am doing in this photo is that I am slightly angled to the camera.  This provides for a more slimming profile.

 

1st - My legs are again about shoulder width apart.  Can you see yet that it is super important to put your feet together when taking a photo?  2nd - my arms are again down at my wised.  Both of these things combine to make me look very blocky!  And very male!

 

1st - again with the legs shoulders width apart.  2nd - the hands at my sides.  Even in this cute dress, the combo of those two things totally screams Dude in a Dress to me!

 

1st - The same problem with my feet being apart.  They are closer together than some of the other photos, but still with having them not be together it just looks wrong.  Like I am encouraging the viewer to look up my skirt!  2nd - the hands at my sides again!

The photo on my right, notice that I am very angled to the camera.  It so emphasizes my skinny!

  

So now with a set of three different photos.  In the 1st I have the same basic problems, my feet are far apart and my hands are at my sides.  In the middle photo, I have put my feet together, which looks better.  But in the last photo I have a little tilt to my hips, a bend at my knee and my hand is on my hip.  Way more girly in that last photo!

Cameras are great, but they also severely suck!  They are not interested in automatically capturing our best sides and making us look great!  They take a snapshot of whatever we are presenting.  And often, it does not look as good as it could.

With just simple things like, putting your feet together, bending a leg a little, putting your hands on your hips, twisting your torso a little, putting your shoulders back, lifting your chin up, those little things will go a long way to making you look your absolute best!

Love you.

Take pictures of yourself!

Be proud of who you are!

Love you again!