Gender Fluid? Gender Phooey!

Frequently when I attempt to discuss my gender with others, they will say, 'oh, well you are gender fluid.'   As of late, it has been occurring so much, that when I hear it, I throw up a little in my mouth.  Okay, well that just may be a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously, I am a bit sick of people telling me that I am gender fluid.

Do you know what gender fluid means people?  Let's take a look at this definition:
Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances.
(Taken from: http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Gender_Fluid )

In response to this outpouring of "Nadine is gender fluid" folks, I created the above graphic.  My gender identity never changes, thus instead of referencing me as gender fluid, it would be far more accurate if you referenced my gender as gender static.  While my presentation fluctuates, my identity never changes.

After making this graphic, I realized that it may also help to explain my gender variance to those people in my life that have said "Oh, well you are eventually going to transition," and those who have said "Oh, so you have no gender issues, and you see yourself as a male, and really this is all just about the pretty clothes for you."

See folks, here is my biggest difficulty in discussing my gender with many people, the vast majority of the world is perfectly fine, and accepting of the idea of a gender binary.  People are either male or female.  And when trying to explain to someone how I don't feel male, they think, oh well then you are female.  And when trying to explain to someone how I don't feel female, they think, oh well then you are male.  Why?  Because their concept of gender has only two positions, you are either male or you are female.  There are no other options.

I understand this stuff coming from cisgender folk, but it has confused the hell out of me when it comes from other transgender people.  But the reality is that a large number of the transgender community is also perfectly fine with the gender binary.  For example those who transition from one gender to the other, guess what??  Yup, gender binary.

Me?  To understand me, you have to accept that there can be genders that exist outside of the gender binary.  Sometimes I feel like how Galileo must have felt talking with people, saying, the Earth rotates around the sun.  It is reality, all you need to do is accept it.

Accept it people.

Love you!

Interesting Internet

A gorgeous iris from my yard!

A few internet links that I have found interesting as of late:

Diamond rain on various planets!!  - OMG, are you serious?  When are we going to get our little human butts off to these places so that we can scoop up rockets full of diamonds?

Here is an easy way to get to the moon!  Just fold some paper!!  Hahahahaha

Seriously??  How can these facts be true???

So..... I can't believe I am sharing this link as I don't like sharing hatred, but it needs to be known how the enemy thinks.  Here is some unbelievable crap spewing.

Have I mentioned  before how much I LOVE Eddie Izzard?  Well I DO!  He is fantastic.  He just finished running 27 marathons in 27 days!  Could you imagine?  No, neither can I.  What dedication!  Well he also spoke about how being transgender has helped him.

My Birthday Party Dress

Dress - Calvin Klein

Sweater - 89th & Madison

Shoes - Nine West

While shopping at a Dress Barn I picked this dress off of the clearance rack.  I searched and searched for other possible sizes, but this was the only one.  I was either going to fit this one, or I would never own this dress.  Jules and I visited the dressing room together and began trying on dresses.  It took me several tries to actually get this dress on correctly, and imagine my surprise when Jules was actually able to zip up the back.  It fit very well actually.

I really like the dress for a variety of reasons.  One is the color.  I really like the colors of it.  I am very partial to black and white, if you haven't noticed.  But it also has that wonderful pop of blue, right in the middle.  For svelte girls like myself, it is in the perfect place to help accentuate my hips, which is fabulous!  A second thing I really like about it is the fit.  It is tight, but not too tight, right above the blue color and right below my bust, which is where it should be tight, right at the smallest part of my torso.  The third thing that is great is that it fits my bust wonderfully.  I actually have really great decolletage in it.  The fourth thing I love about it, is that the bottom portion flares out right where my hips are, which also helps to increase the appearance of my hips.  Just fabu!

But there are two things I don't like about it.  One is that it has no arms.  Here I am without the sweater:

The no arms issue is easily solved with the addition of the sweater.  But it had to be the right sweater.  If it was too long, it would make the slimming effect and the hippy effect disappear.  Luckily I had purchased the short sweater some time back and was waiting to pair it with the perfect outfit.  Like this one!  The only other thing I don't like about the dress is that it requires the right occasion to wear an outfit like this.  It just is not appropriate for say shopping at Costco.  But that was solved when my birthday came and an occasion to wear it presented itself.

Edward and Vivian came over for a little dinner and cake with Jules and I.  Jules is still obviously recovering but she felt well enough to have some friends over.  Our two fabulous friends picked up pizza, to my order specifications, as well as a carrot cake, made especially for me.  It was wonderful having them over and I was super thrilled to have an occasion to wear this awesome dress!  I was only a little self conscious that my bra kept peeking out the top of the dress; oh well, life can't be perfect huh?

How about you all - Will you wear fancy dresses for any occasion?  Or does it need to be a special time?  How about your arms?  Are you self conscious about them?  Are you willing to go without something covering them?  What do you think about mine?  Should I get over my worry about them looking too masculine?

Oh, btw, I turned 42 the other day and two days later it was Jules and mine 17th anniversary of being married, though we have actually been together for 27!

Love ya!

So What Do These Shoes Mean?

Shoes - Saucony

Once upon a time, somewhere in my research I found that it is generally considered to be true that you are a transvestite if you refuse to wear pants and a transexual if you do.  So what does it mean about me if I choose to wear these shoes?  They certainly are not 3 to 5 inch heels.  Well actually they are not heels at all, they are sneakers.

In fact when I wore these shoes, I also wore pants, see:

Pants - Guess

Top - Guess

Tank - Mossimo

Shoes - Saucony

Sun Glasses - Ralph Lauren

So what does it mean about me?  Well actually it means that I went into San Francisco on this particular day.  Check out this great photo:

Okay, you got me, that photo was not taken in SF, but rather after I was leaving it, from the top of the Berkeley Hills.  That is the Golden Gate in the background and Alcatraz in front of it.

Here is one of me actually at Pier 39, in SF, taking a break from shopping:

I went by myself for a little sightseeing and shopping.  It is kind of odd, but for some reason I really like going to where I grew up while dressed as a girl.  Not sure what is up with that, but many of these places, like SF hold a special place in my memories.  It is almost like a calming effect.  Not that I want to be able to go back and relive my childhood moments as a girl, like I wish I grew up as a girl, because I don't.  I enjoyed growing up as a boy, I think I just kind of wish I could have mixed in more girly times as well.

Okay, enough philosophizing.  I enjoyed my trip to SF, and got some cool earrings I will show you soon.  And FYI, if you choose to go, I highly recommend wearing sneakers and not heels.

Check out this awesome ice cream creation from Fentons in Oakland, CA:

I am hoping that it will end up going to my hips, though I'm not holding my breath! And yes, I was obviously still dressed as a girl when I walked into the packed restaurant and asked for a table for 1.  It was a great lunch, oh I did eat a chicken cesar before the ice cream.

So what does it mean about me that I chose to wear sneakers?  It means I am not a dumb ass!  It means nothing about my gender!  It means sneakers are far more comfy to do lots, and lots, and lots of walking around.  And you know what?  Nobody stopped me and said OMG your a tranny in tennies!  In fact, all anybody did was smile when I smiled at them.  I took it as a good sign when two young girls walked up and sat down next to me on the bench I was sitting on in the photo above, and then another woman came and sat down as well.  Pretty normal stuff, four girls sitting on a bench.  And you know what?  All of us were wearing tennis shoes!

Ha-Ha.

Love you!

Get out more.  Live your life dressed however you want!

Camping & What Am I?

Jules and I recently went camping and while we were out relaxing I was pondering what exactly am I.  I don't really need to label myself.  I know what I am, I am me.  And me likes to wear male clothes sometimes and female clothes sometimes and sometimes I like to wear both.  I also like to dress up and look like a man and sometimes I like to dress up and look like a woman.  The vast majority of the time, I am doing something in between.

Like for example while camping.  Here I am pictured below while fishing.

Notice anything?  Yeah, my shorts are a little short for typical guy shorts.  That would be because they are not guy shorts.  They are one of my smallest pairs of female shorts.  They are a super cute pair of cut off Guess shorts.  Also, my fingernails are painted a deep sparkly blue, in a gel polish by the way.  Also, most of the time that I wore something on my feet, I wore a pair of Guess flip-flops.

I suppose this is no big deal while I am out fishing on the river, in a place that I might as well be naked, which I often times was.  But we often ran out of supplies, like ice, and had to go to the nearby town and replenish.  While there I generally wore, these short Guess shorts, my Guess flip flops, and some regular dude T-shirt.  Nobody said anything, but I can only assume that people looked at me oddly, though I have tried to give up trying to figure out if people are actually looking at me or not.  I just go about my business and get whatever I need and if people need to look at me, then that is their choice.

I don't care about what others think of me, but I am somewhat concerned with what I think of myself.  I am fine with what I choose to do and wear, but I am still somewhat concerned with what to call myself.

I generally refer to myself as a transvestite, the word I learned while growing up for what I do, a male that dresses like a girl.  I also frequently refer to myself as a cross dresser, meaning the same as the former.
I don't have a problem with these labels, but I don't like how disparaging some people are with those that self identify this way.  I especially don't like how those that identify as transgender, or the old school word of transsexual, somehow think that cross dressers are somehow not worthy of the trans prefix.  That somehow, if we don't all want to entirely change our gender we are somehow not a real "trans" person.

I have pondered this question for quite some time.  What am I?  I know that this question has concerned my wife, especially since I told her that I wanted to go out in public dressed as a woman.  This started her off on some research, most of which told her that eventually I would want to be a woman full time.  This scared the crap out of her and really frightened her from being willing to be supportive of any of my gender ponderings.

So again, what am I?

Here is my definition -
1 - I like being a man.  I enjoy being in shape, in having a muscular, well toned, sexy male body.  I enjoy having the plumbing I have and I enjoy using it.
2 - I like being a woman.  I like wearing clothes that make me appear more feminine.  I enjoy having sex in ways that may not be traditionally considered to be masculine.
3 - I like presenting as a mix of genders.  I frequently have my nails painted and wear obviously female rings as well as wearing a variety of female and male clothes together.
4 - I see myself as existing somewhere in between the extremes of male and female.

What I don't have is a word that accurately describes me.  Tell people I am a cross dresser or transvestite and people look down on me, because I am not really trans because I will remain physically a male forever.  Tell people I am transgender and people think that I will eventually become a woman.

Here is my assertion, people that want to change from one gender to another, are not really trans anything.  What are they?  They are the opposite gender from what they are born as.  Once they transition, their gender limbo is done.  They were born one way, they knew it was wrong, so they fixed their problem.  This is evidenced by the vast number of sex change people who want support from the trans community in their transition and then once they transition, they then abandon those that offered support.  They no longer want to be part of the trans community because they are not actually trans.

I think that those of us that are like what I described in the previous paragraph, you are not technically trans anything, you are either one gender or the other.  What is a trans person?  They are someone like me, someone who lives in between the gender extremes.  We are the ones that span the gap between male and female.  Our gender flux will never be solved.

Why does my wife never need to worry about me becoming a woman full time?  While I would love to experience life as a head to toe, genetic woman, for me to medically modify myself would be a waste of time, as I would still be a cross dresser.  Only then I would be dressing as a male, while my genitals identify me as a female.  Instead of strapping on breasts, I would be wearing ace bandages across my breasts to flatten them in an attempt to appear more masculine.

I am a cross dresser, I am a transvestite, I am transgender.  Stop trivializing me by saying that all I am is a man in a dress.  Stop sexualizing me by saying that I only do this to get a hard on.  Stop insisting that one day I will trade in my penis for a vagina.

I am what I am. I am me. And I like me.

Oh btw, during our camping trip, I was so impressed with Jules.  Out of the blue, she decided to capture crayfish and then cook them for us.  Wow!  What an impressive woman.  Why you ask, her willingness to explore the world before her and trust that I will come along for the ride!

Oh, for my first time ever in eating crayfish, they were pretty tasty.  I was impressed, they were just like mini lobsters.

Love ya!

Fetish? I Think it May be a Bit More Complex

“People of all sexes have the right to explore femininity, masculinity—and the infinite variations between—without criticism or ridicule.”

—	Leslie Feinberg

Is that too much to ask?

Before I ever started blogging, I never really bothered with reading blogs about trans anything.  I read plenty of fashion blogs.  And maybe now I wish I had stayed an ignorant fool.

As I have stated elsewhere in my blog, I personally have been the recipient of rude behavior while dressed as a woman, maybe once or twice.  What I have observed is that the general public is not interested in what I am doing nearly as much as they are concerned with what people think about what they are doing.

But honestly I am sickened by the utter hatred I have read from what I consider to be my own group of people.  What group is that you may ask?  Well personally I would prefer to be a group of one, but that doesn't really make much of a group does it?  The group is the spectrum of gender within which I find myself.

I kind of had this idea that if someone else didn't really seem to fit into the binary system of male or female that maybe that kind of bonded us all together.  But what I am slowly realizing is that it doesn't.

Apparently I find myself in a group of well hated people, the lowly cross dresser.  Hated by who?  Apparently hated by other people who are truly _______  I don't know what they are, but apparently I am not what they are.  Why?  Because I will not cut off my penis and attempt to look as physically complete as a woman as I can.

One attack I read recently compared a cross dresser's looks to that of a donkey's ass.  Another blog I have read states that all cross dressers are simple fetishists.

A donkey's ass?  Okay, maybe not a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, but a donkey's ass?  Hardly.  To this wonderful blogger I will simply say, have you looked the general public in the face, and then checked to see if they have a penis or a vagina?  I think not.  You might be surprised on who has what.

To the conjecture that if you do not cut off your dick you are suffering from a simple fetish, have you bothered to look up a definition of the word, rather than creating your own because it suits you to insult others?  Well here is that definition for those that are google deficient.

From dictionary.com

fet·ish

   [fet-ish, fee-tish]  Show IPA

noun

1.

an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment orhabitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

2.

any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence,respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.

3.

Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

Why don't you come live in my pumps for awhile?  Not a single one of those definitions define me.

I will bite my tongue.  I will not link to those wonderful pages I have mentioned.  I will not spread hatred to whom I consider to my brethren.  What I will say is, if we can't count on others who have experience within the beautiful spectrum that is gender how can any of us expect the truly ignorant to be understanding.

I understand that just because I don't understand you and your choices, I don't get to belittle you as a living being on this infinitesimally small speck of dust called Earth.

How to Remove Gel Nails or Reverse Gender Dysphoria

Part A:
I love the nail job that you can see pictured in the photo above.  I got it about a week ago at a local salon while dressed as a guy.  I got a gel nail polish put on and I asked if they could do a french tip in gels and they said yes!!  Woo-Hoo!!

It takes about an hour for the gel polish to be repeatedly layered and cured, with a UV lamp, which gets quite hot btw.  If you get a good stylist to work on you the end results are unbelievably great!  They look smoking hot and they are near indestructible.  The nails in the picture above are shown after a week, doing things like digging in the garden and pulling up weeds, not a chip to be seen; pretty cool huh?

The only problem with them is getting that darn lovely stuff off of your nails.  My first bit of advice to you on the process is, if you need to get it off in a hurry, you are screwed.

Method one-
- soak cotton balls in acetone
- place cotton balls on nails
- wrap nails in tinfoil
- leave for 15-20 minutes
- use plastic scraper to gently scrape polish off nails

Method two-
- soak finger nails in small bowl of acetone for about 15-20 minutes
- use plastic scraper to gently scrape polish off nails

Method three-
- sand tops of nails with a coarse file

- soak finger nails in small bowl of acetone for about 15-20 minutes
- use plastic scraper to gently scrape polish off nails


Method four-
- go see a professional

When I removed the polish from my nails above it took me about 90 minutes total, and it was not my first  rodeo people.

Part B:
Reverse GD.  Please keep in mind that I have spent a sum total of 1 hour of my life in a therapists office (I went with my family one time, which did not go so well.) So I know nothing of what I speak other than my brief readings on others blogs.  Much of my life I have had waves of desire flood over me, compelling me to do a variety of things normally reserved for women.  Once I stopped trying to ignore them and began surfing them as I do currently I noticed something else.

Like many  I have often pondered the idea that maybe I should have been born a girl.  I like a lot of traditionally feminine things.  It would be a pretty big, involved, glorious list, if I were to make it.  I think that these thoughts were part of what scared me about trying to paddle out into the surf in the first place.  But "lucky" for me I was able to face my fears.

What this has created is who I am today.  And today I just took off my nail polish after about two or three months.  More significantly maybe is that I cut my nails way back to totally normal guy male length.  This was brought about primarily because of work concerns but also because within the last couple of weeks I have had extremely strong reverse feelings.  Instead of dreaming of having long pretty awesomely painted nails, I was dreaming of having short little unpainted nails.

And now I have them.  Oh and how I missed them.  I so missed them.  I missed being able to type with the speed I am currently and not have pain in the ends of my finger tips.  I enjoy being able to dry my ears with a piece of tissue without jabbing myself with my killer dagger nails.  I will also appreciate not having to worry about viciously but confidently scratching the hell out of myself.

So reverse gender dysphoria?  I honestly don't know.  I just know it's always the same.  The grass always seems greener over on the next hill, but I'm afraid to try.  I face my fears, try it out, and then think, hmm... maybe the other way is better after all and then I mosey on back to where I came from.

Love ya!

I Had Anticipated Her Question

While driving to the campground for a few days of camping with our friends I pictured our friend A asking me about my fingernails.  If you have read my blog some you may already know that I frequently having my fingernails painted even while in guy mode.  I often get questions about them and I generally simply tell people that I like to have them painted.  This response seems to be the most direct and the one that people accept.  But I had a feeling that response might not be enough for A.

When I had initially considered coming clean with her I thought that maybe should would not appreciate my total honesty, but the more that I thought about it the more I realized I was once again placing my own fears upon her and in the process was discounting her.

So I was not very surprised when during that first night of camping together, after many, many, drinks she said "Okay, I have had enough to drink and I need to ask, what is up with the nails?"  A and I have known each other four about four years and during that time she has never asked about my nails.  But within the last year or so A and her husband B and Jules and I have been becoming better friends.  This camping trip we were on was the first big thing we have done with them.

In anticipation of this question of hers, which I knew was coming, I gave her the response I had come up with:  "The short answer is - I like to paint them."  Her response: "And the long answer is..."  Me: "The long answer is uh..."  I had anticipated her question and had come up with a response, and I knew I was going to tell her the full truth, but when I looked for the words they were absent.  Here I was, in a campground, with Jules, A, and B, and I was about to admit to who I know I am, but I was scared shitless.

I said "Well, before I tell you the long answer I will let you know that I have never said this to anyone except for Jules, my sister, my long time friend B, and anyone who has read my blog."  She and B just stood around the roaring fire pit and listened while I stumbled to find the courage to admit who I am.  Finally after many stammering attempts I said "There are times when I like to fully dress as a woman."  Both she and B said "Oh."  in a very nonjudgmental manner.  Maybe they said something else, but honestly at that point I had dissociated so much that I am unsure as to what they actually said.  I do know that it didn't phase them at all.  I went on "From what I understand this just happens to be who I am, just like being heterosexual or homosexual, this is the way that I was born and it is something that I have always been drawn to do.

The best way that I could sum up their response was that they said "Hmm, okay, cool."  From there the conversation traveled on to different topics.  The moment had come and gone and the world didn't end.  Life went on and I never got a moments notice that they had suddenly found out I was a freak that they no longer wanted to hang out with.  In all reality it was extremely uneventful.  The camping trip continued.  We did all sorts of activities and all four of us, and their two year old daughter, all agreed that we had an excellent time hanging out with each other and that we needed to do it again.

That is about it, oh except for a few other details.  One being that A and Jules and I all work together.  Another being that A has always presented herself as a lady, a very conservative lady.  (Which I found out during the trip isn't actually true.  She presents a very lady like image at work but actually is very open minded and adventurous in life.)  Another is that I felt as though Jules was actually more terrified of me admitting what I like to do to them.  Another is that while my retelling had more to do with telling A that I am a cross dresser, in reality it was the first time I told another guy that I hang out with, her husband B, that I cross dress.

So far, it was a complete and total non-incident.  They didn't skip a beat, and never once treated me any differently due to my response.  Except for maybe they seemed to respect me more for being willing to be honest and our friendship appears to be much stronger for my admission.

Once again I will tell any of you out there that have taken the time to read this that it is out own internal fears that keep us alone.  There really is something to be said for being true to ourselves and to others.

Be courageous.

Be strong.

Be honest.

Take a deep breath and admit who you are.

Love you!

Living Undefined

I have read much about how GGs say that trans girls don't really know what it is like to be a woman.  That unless you are born a woman you don't know what it is and just because you make yourself look like a woman through clothes or surgeries and hormones, you are still not a real woman.

I agree I have no idea what it means to be born as a real woman.

But... There is another aspect to this as well.  I don't know if I know what it is like to be a real man.  I have always known that I was a boy simply because of what is between my legs.  My genitals have defined me as male.  But now that I have grown to be a man of 40 years I see a large schism between myself and what is considered manly.

For example - I like to talk about everything and anything with my wife, no topic is taboo.  I like taking care of my body and my skin.  I dislike body hair.  I like soft frilly colorful clothes.  I hate drinking beer.  I don't like watching just about any sport.  I like having a clean house with everything organized and put in it's place. I love having my fingernails painted.  I like putting on makeup.  I like talking on the phone.  I have my ears pierced.  I like wearing jewelry.

This list could go on.

My point is, other guys look at me as though I am a freak.  When I go hang out with the guys and they toss me a beer and I'm supposed to crack it and kick back while watching the game, when I tell them I'm not interested in doing that they give me that guy look that not so subtly says "Are you gay?"

Like that is the ultimate insult or something.  Which it often is among manly men.  And I have often wondered, what is wrong with me.  Why don't I like what other regular guys like?  The older I have gotten the more I wonder, maybe I have the wrong thing between my legs.  Maybe I should have been born with different parts.

But then I think about - I like to use the parts I was born with, they have brought me great pleasure over my lifetime so far.  I regularly enjoy growing out my facial hair, yes even while shaving all the rest of my body hair.  I love hunting, killing, cleaning, and eating birds.  I like talking while burping.  I like watching UFC.  I love working in my wood shop.

This list could go on also.

So what am I?  Other guys don't consider me to be a real guy and girls don't consider me to be a real girl.  I guess I am somewhere between.  I exist within the spectrum that is gender.  And I am no longer worried with defining what I am.  I am me and me is beautiful.  I don't want to change myself to be either one or the other.   I like being me.  I am happy being me.

I am the happiest when I break down my own barriers and allow myself to be myself to the fullest.

I hope you are happy with you.

Love ya!

Where is the trans restroom?

I don't remember the first time that I was out dressed as a woman and had to use the restroom.  I really don't; which is interesting because it is a little uncomfortable for me and I would think that is something that I would remember, but I don't.  After years now of going out dressed as a woman, I'm a little more used to it, but it is still something of a concern for me as I often feel as though I am behind enemy lines.  I often feel as though I am  someplace that I do not belong and soon enough someone is going to spot me and call me out.  Honestly I often feel that way even when I am not in the women's restroom but it is especially acute when I am.  I feel uncomfortable enough about the situation that if there happens to be a line for the restroom I don't think I have ever waited in it.  I will hold it until I can find a more secluded place to go.  Now don't get me wrong, if I'm about to pee myself, I will use whatever restroom I can find.  I have even thought about just using the men's room if I really need to go and feel so uncomfortable about the ladies room, though I never have.

I do feel more comfortable now using the women's restroom than I ever have and honestly that is simply do to doing what I do, face my fears.  Trust me folks I was terrified before I ever set foot into a women's restroom, but I did it anyways.  I have certainly thought that while women have tolerated me while on the street, or shopping, or at the movie theater, or while eating dinner, women would never tolerate a man being in the women's room while they were going to the bathroom.  But honestly so far people have done exactly what they have always done with me, they have worked hard to avoid any potential conflict and nobody has ever said anything and I have been using the women's room now for about 5 years, at least.

Here is my advice about how to go about using the women's restroom.  Get in, do your business, and get out.  You don't need to doddle, to hang out, to look out of place.  It's fine to wait to in line, though I never have, it's fine to go to the bathroom, but please sit down like everyone else does in that room, wipe the seat if you dribble all over it, flush the toilet like a polite person should, arrange your clothes properly, don't forget your purse, which should have been hung on the door and not set on the floor, open the door, go wash your hands, check your hair and makeup, and then leave.

My main piece of advice for any of you is to act like a woman.  Mainly that means, do your thing without being concerned about others.  Most women do not look at people the same way that men will.  Women will look at other human beings quite a bit, but in general they will not let you see them looking at you.  To me, a born and raised male, this just feels odd.  It feels as though I am acting like a stuck up snob.  But at the same time it is kind of a freeing attitude which goes like this - "I am going to do what I need to do and I'm not going to worry about what you think about it."

Okay?  So that is my personal advice and history and thoughts about using the restroom.  Now while looking through the web for a graphic I spotted all sorts of things about trans people using restrooms like the following:

The Best Little Trans Bathroom Controversy In Texas

This Ain't Stayin' In Vegas-Cosmopolitan Hotel Has Trans Bathroom Issues

How To: Find a Gender-Neutral Restroom

http://www.goodasyou.org/good_as_you/2006/10/worldnet_raises.html

Flushing the “Bathroom Bill” Fear Once and For All

Here are my final thoughts on this topic for today:  We need to stand up for ourselves and not be afraid of what others will say or do to us because of who we are.  It's such a sad thing that having to go to the bathroom results in all of this discrimination.

Fear is a powerful thing.

Out and About for the First Time - Part 2

I think the first time that my wife appeared to be frightened about me being a transvestite was when I told her that I would like to go out in public dressed as a woman.  In hindsight this is when my wife's problems with facing fear became painfully evident.  At the time I was too painfully insecure about myself to really notice what was going on with my wife.  I took every way that she was behaving as a signal to me that I shouldn't be doing what I was interested in doing.  I always looked to her for support but she was unable to support me in my endeavors.  Which was odd to me at the time because before this she had always been very supportive of my crossdressing.  Really what was happening to my wife was just an extension of the life that she began living long before she ever met me.  See my wife is the type of person that can't handle fear.  Fear of any kind.  Where apparently I am the type of person that has chosen to face my fears.

And that is what prompted me to go out dressed as a woman.  Before this point I had dressed as a woman in the privacy of my own house for many years.  Though I don't remember if I had dressed fully as woman for that long before I started pondering going out.  Once I dressed fully, clothes, wig, makeup, I began considering going out as a woman.  I think that at the time, which must have been about 4 years ago or so at least, all that I was really interested in was proving that I could go out as a woman.

Thinking about it from my wife's perspective it had to appear to be pretty odd.  Why exactly would someone want to go out dressed as a woman if not for some purpose that would threaten a marriage?  This would be very concerning for any wife that enjoys her marriage.  The thing was that really I only wanted to go out to prove that I could.

You see, I was terrified to go out dressed as a woman, and that was the reason that I needed to go out dressed as a woman.  Simply because I was afraid of going.  My fear about going out dressed as a woman was making it become bigger than it was.  There is something about many people, myself included, something that I think may actually affect everyone, when we are told that we can't have something it makes it so we want it all the more.  We may never have even wanted it, but when we are told that we can't have it, we desire it with a passion.

Maybe I am wrong about this affecting everyone, but I know that it affects me deeply.  By being afraid of going out dressed as a woman, in some way I was trying to convince myself that it was something that I couldn't have.  By thinking I couldn't, it made it become something illicit and I desired it all the more.  I realized that I began fantasizing about what it might feel like.  How freeing it would be.  And I started thinking about it almost every single day.  I began to wonder if maybe I wasn't just a crossdresser but a woman trapped inside of a man's body.  Why after all would I think about it day after day, daydreaming and fantasizing about going out dressed as  a woman.

I didn't let this go on for very long before I forced myself to go out dressed as a woman.  And now, years later  I can tell you all that by no means am I anything except for your average everyday ordinary crossdresser.  I don't want to be a woman full time.  Honestly it's just too much work.  But I would never know that if I didn't get past my fear about just trying it.  Because I am the type of person who will force himself to do things simply because I am afraid of it.

Now keep in mind I'm only talking about fears in my mind, not things that maybe one should be afraid of like say a saber toothed tiger roaring down upon you.  Fears of the mind are vicious cruel little things. Like I couldn't go out dressed as a woman because:
     - people would laugh at me
     - nobody would accept me as a woman
     - people would be angry with me
     - my clothes would somehow betray me by falling off or flipping up or who knows what
     - someone I know will see me
     - I was too embarrassed
     - my wig would fall off in the wind, in my food, while leaning down
     - someone would try and kick my ass

This is only what I can think of right now.  The point is, at the time I personally didn't know IF any of those things would actually EVER happen.  But I used them to stop myself from just simply trying.  It occurred to me to try and yet I stopped myself by picturing only the worst possible things that might possibly happen.  I just had to try.  I had to.

And now?  Now after years of trying I can tell you how much more intelligent that I am today.  I know not only myself far better than I did before I tried but I also have an appreciation for humanity that I never had before.  I always pictured the worst of humanity and thus only saw the worst.  I made it so that  I didn't like people because I always pictured them as being bad.  Thus far in my journeys I can tell you that after all the years and all the people that I have ever interacted with only one was ever rude to me.  Far more people have been rude to me while dressed as a guy.  In fact while dressed as a girl people have actually gone above and beyond in treating me not just politely but genuinely nicely.  And what I have observed is the more relaxed, and less fearful I have been, the nicer that people are to me.

Face your internal fears and be set free or don't try and hate yourself and humanity.

Be careful, be thoughtful, but be determined to see the best the world has to offer you.

Boobs

While looking through my blog stats this morning I am struck by how many people have viewed my couple of pages on transvestites boobs.  It is a shocking difference between those pages and any other post.  For example I wrote a page about breast size and that particular page has had 345 page views, while my next closest page is on shoes and that one has 63 page views.  So what can I read from this data?  I think that people are very concerned with transvestites boobs.  Interesting?

Well I do admit that my biggest concern with dressing as a woman was the boob aspect.  Boobs are a fascinating thing.  They are something uniquely feminine.  And uniquely human female.  All mammals, from what I understand, have mammary glands, but human females are the only ones with breasts.  Okay a bit of googling and reading I found that human females are the only ones with breasts before they are needed for nursing.  So other mammals have breasts also, just not before they are needed to feed their offspring.  Interesting.

Have you heard of the chest butt theory of breasts?  I saw a TV show once where some guy was speculating that human breasts were an imitation of a butt.  If you doubt this theory, check out boob cleavage compared to butt cleavage.  They are both very similar.

Regardless, we as a species, both male and female, are kind of obsessed with boobs.  So if you came to this blog via a google link for transvestite boobs, have you bothered to check out any of my other pages?

Still no phone

Well I don't have a new phone yet. I still haven't decided what I want to get. I wonder if regular guys have such a hard time deciding things also. That seems to me to be more of a feminine quirk than a male one. At least that is how our society portrays it.

After typing that it occurs to me, how exactly am I aware that society portrays things in anyway? I suppose if I were to come up with something, it would be TV. I am taking my ideas of what society says is acceptable from what I view on TV. I wonder how many other people do that. What did people do before TV? Books, newspapers, magazines. Hmm...

It's not as if people go around surveying random other people. Without that sort of input how do we know what exactly other people really do think? Don't we all really just get our opinions of what society thinks from our media?

I think we should go with what we individually think. Of course even with that, I wonder how much our opinions are really valid. How influenced are our opinions by the media we have been exposed to? So is what we think of as our own feelings actually the feelings that a media driven by profits put into us all.

Okay too pontificatious. Nice made up word huh?

Life

Howdy.

I'm in the market for a new phone. Any suggestions?

Yeah, didn't really think so.

Have you heard about Chaz Bono going on Dancing with the stars? I heard about it sometime last week. I also heard that all sorts of people are very upset that he is going onto the show. They are saying things like, they thought it was a family show, that he's not really a he because he hasn't had a complete sex change surgery.

You know I think the truth is that there are people that will never accept a transgender person as the opposite sex. Actually now that I think about I think most people would never accept someone as being the opposite gender from what they were born as, unless they can't tell.

For example, while I have never really encountered anything really negative about me being dressed as a woman, people do tend to treat me as a guy dressed as a girl. Which is exactly what I think I look like. And I have had no surgery to modify me to look more like a girl. And you should see people's reaction when I talk to them, which obviously sounds very much like a man. As I am after all a man and it becomes pretty undeniable at some point. I don't mind this at all, I actually anticipate it and think of it as an eventuality. But what about someone who really does want to change their gender. What if I did have surgery and didn't have guy parts anymore. Would that make people treat me any more like a girl than they do now? I don't think so unless I had some pretty major surgeries. Like, not only genitals, but face, hips, butt, voice (can you do that?)

I think that in order to be really accepted as a woman, everyone needs to look at you and see nothing but woman. Hell some people don’t even think some real women are actually women.

Speaking of women, have you ever noticed how many cross-dressing women they are? No one seems to call them cross-dressers or transvestites, they are just women in pants. Hmm… Interesting.

A transvestite's Boobs

I have read about more than one person that calls themselves a cross dresser or a transvestite but they want to surgically alter themselves to have boobs.  Many guys also take various forms of drugs to help their breasts grow.  This seems a little past cross dresser status and directly into transexual.  Once someone starts to permanently alter their bodies  I personally say that goes to transexual.  Just my opinon.

I thought I would share with you how I go about creating the illusion of breasts.  The great thing about my method is that I can take off my shirt, as a guy, and not have man boobs!  I can still look like a man when I want to.  Wow.  I know revelatory!

picture 1 - Obviously no shirt, just a typical, albeit in shape, guy.

picture 2 - This is my cleavage bra.  It is a 36A, convertible.  It is form Maidenform.  I don't have fake breasts on.  What I do have is a couple of pairs of cutlets. 

picture3 - In this picture I now have on a shapewear top.  It is pretty tight, which they are supposed to be.  It is a medium.  It is also from Maidenform.

picture 4 - This picture just shows my torso with the above undergarments on with a regular shirt.  From this camera angle my cleavage is not noticeable.

picture 5 - Obviously this is a different top, but everything underneath is the same.  The difference in this picture is a few things.  1 - I pull up my chest skin/pectoral muscles.  2 - The angles of the photo.  3 - This is possibly the most important, the lighting in the photo.

picture 6 - This photo also adds to my cleavage with the necklace that I am wearing in having the pendant rest between my boobs.  It adds to the depth effect.

picture 7 - Another picture where my breasts look very large.  Nothing different has been done, just by moving the camera angle, this shot was achieved.

picture 8 - My last boobs picture.  Again, nothing in my clothing has been changed, the only change was the angle of the camera and hence the angle of the lighting.

There you have it.  I posted these pictures to hopefully show that you don't need to surgically alter your bodies to achieve what you may be wanting.  With a little help from my clothes I can easily gain the illusion of breasts.

BTW this illusion is good enough that when I walk around frequently men talk to me by staring at my chest instead of my face.  I have to say that feels very odd, considering I have no interest in them whatsoever.  As a guy it is very educational though in how obvious it is when someone stares at your boobs.  Some guys are so crass they don't even try to hide it in any way.

Breasts, fascinating.

Another day another picture...

Went up to Fresno today.  Had a good lunch.   I had a doctors appointment later.  The doctor ended up being a dink.  He did what I wanted but it was not exactly comfortable.  The only thing I did like about the experience was what I wore.  Him being a dink by the way had nothing to do with me being dressed as a girl.

I read yesterday about various trans people getting discriminated against.  Some very sad stories out there.  That is one thing that keeps me going.  I enjoy going out and being an intelligent unashamed ambassador of being a transvestite.  It helps me to sleep better at night.  How do you sleep?