My Outfit - Yes, Another Tunic!

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar

Shorts - Guess - Similar

Shoes - Rocket Dog - Similar

Belt - ?? - Similar

It seems as though this is the summer of tunics for me.  I really like the convenience of them.  The only thing I don't like is that it always looks as though I have nothing on underneath.  Here, take a look though, I do actually wear shorts with them:

I feel as though I should walk around with my tunic hiked up a bit, or a sign on me that says, yes I do have on shorts underneath here.  Ha-Ha.  Yeah, like whatever!  I am only slightly paranoid about my shorts not showing.  Most of me really does not give a hoot!  I mean generally when I am out and about here in California's Central Valley, it is over 100 degrees!  So, like who gives a crud what I am wearing, right?  I should actually be wearing less!  Ha!

Okie Dokie!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Wear more tunics!

They are lovely.

Just like you!

My Shopping Diet

Wow, with all of my more recent going on's, I have almost totally forgotten about my shopping diet!  Which might make one think that I have neglected to live up to my aforementioned plans, but that is actually not the case.  Not to say that I have strictly stuck to my plans, but I am getting ahead of myself.

So, let me back up for a moment.  If you don't know, back in February I decided to join my wife on her diet.  My particular issue at that time was not weight, but was shopping.  My wife was trying to lose weight, and I kind of wanted to help motivate her.  Thus it was that I decided to attempt to not shop for any clothes at all, for one year.

What has happened you ask?  Well, well, well!  Can we say hormones anyone??  Yeah, I can!  So.... how do we get from a shopping diet to hormones?  Well.... part of what allowed me to realize my current situation was the shopping diet.  See..... I am pretty sure that I was using shopping to help stave off the dysphoria.  I have not spoken much of the dysphoria that I feel.  I kind of think that is because I am SO used to it, that it just seems normal.  Since it is SO normal, I don't really notice it much anymore.  That is not to say that it isn't there, oh it is there, it is just that I don't pay attention to it so much.  Thus it was that when I attempted to stop shopping for clothes all of the time, it was one less tool at my disposal to help me.  Which was just one more thing coming together to a head that helped me to understand who I really am and what I actually feel.

During this time, I have not stuck to my rule of absolutely no shopping.  I have shopped.  But I have not shopped like I have done in the past.  Many times in the past it was a very common thing for me to go visit an outlet mall for a day or two and come back with many, many bags.  I have not done anything close to that.  I have visited the outlet mall.  I did buy a few items.  As well, here and there I have purchased a few things.  But if we are talking about percents, I would say that my shopping is down to about 10% of what it has been in the past.

A good thing about going on hormones is that I no longer feel the drive to irresponsibly shop.  I mean, I have the ability to support my shopping desires, but still, it has been a bit wasteful.  I see now that much of my shopping was not to fill a closet, it was to fill a gap within myself.  A gap that unfortunately, no amount of shopping could ever fill.  Oh it's fun to try!  But at the end of the day, it has felt a bit hollow.

I know that I will still shop.  I still love clothes!  I still love shopping!  So fret not my fellow fashion lovers, I will continue to update my wardrobe.  I just kind of feel now as though it will be a choice and not a compulsion.

Oh and for inquiring minds that would like to know, I did only really do this thing to help support my awesomely awesome wifey wife!  So.... how is her diet going?  Hmmm.... let's ask a question of her.... so cuteness when do you think you stopped dieting?  So.... her answer is probably back in June.  So yeah, there is that!  No more for her!  No, she did not reach her goal, but maybe she decided to change her goals.  Hmm.... I think she's still trying to figure some of those thoughts out for herself!  Good luck wifey!  I love you and know that you can do whatever you want, even if that is just enjoying the Oreos!

Okay, well, hmm..... there you go peeps!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love, loving yourself!

Photo Credit:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/rodeime/

My Outfit - I May Have Been Overdressed

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar

Shorts - Guess - Similar

Belt - ??? - Similar

Shoes - Born O Concept - Similar

This was the outfit that I decided to wear to my first group therapy session.  It occurred about 3 weeks ago.  I liked what I decided to wear, and yes, there are in fact shorts under there, but I do think that I was rather overdressed for the occasion.  It was quite funny as it was my first time at group therapy and many of the other participants have had the chance to get to know each other.  Thus I was the total newbie of the group.  I wanted to wear something that I like, something I felt confident in, and something that was comfortable.  This outfit fit all of those requirements.

The thing was though, while I was comfortable in what I chose to wear, it was quite different than what most others chose to wear.  It appeared as though, I did not get the memo!  Apparently the dress code said casual, super casual, casual to the point that wearing sweats would have fit in better!

At first it made me feel uncomfortable, but after awhile I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else wants to wear, the only thing that is important is what I want to wear!  That is what is important, what I want to wear.  Not what I am supposed to wear.  Nor should what other's chose to wear make me feel bad about my choices and that I should somehow conform to them to fit in.  It's been weird to come to these realizations about what is just going on in my whacky whacky head!

Funny enough, this coming weekend is group again, and I am thinking of going in my half-half mode.  Which will basically be me showing up dressed primarily as a woman, but with my balding head showing and my two weeks of scruff growing on my face.  Yeah, it's funny!  I think I should do a blog post where I show a two-month on hormones comparison photo, but have it be with my beard grown out a bit!  Hilarious to me!  Hahhahaha

hahahahah

hahahha

I amuse myself.  Seriously I do!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hahahahahahaha!!!

One Month In

Well, well, well, here we are at one month on hormones.  My how this time has flown by.  In leading up to taking hormones it seemed as if time was crawling along.  I got the prescription, put on my patch, and I was sure that it would feel like forever until I noticed anything different.  As it turns out, I was happily wrong!

No, I don't have breasts!  Ha!  The results that I have had, are no less stunning though, to me personally at least.  Y'all may not be so impressed with things, but I seriously am.  So.... lets see if I can describe some of the things that have been happening over the past month.

The first thing that I noticed was a change in what I can best describe as a digestive disorder I have had for my entire life.  Hmm.... how to describe this without embarrassing the hecky-who out of myself?  Well, how about if I tell you that once upon a time, maybe around age 10ish or so, I remember an argument with my mom and dad and myself.  My mom insisted that I didn't know how to wipe my ass and that my dad needed to check.  Yeah, that argument did not go well, but suffice it to say, that I have had that issue my entire life.  And yes I do know how to wipe.  I could shower after I go and the same thing would happen, without fail, on a daily basis, until I started taking hormones.  Once I started with the hormones, that problem disappeared!!

And that hands down has been the single most awesome thing about taking hormones.  It was totally unexpected, but super appreciated!  I don't think I could ever tell you what an amazingly awesome change this has been for me.  If this is the only thing that ever occurs from hormones, I will be thrilled for life!

Okay, so other than that... any other changes so far..... well my boobs are super itchy!  And that is apparently a good sign that things are preparing to change!  My nipples have gotten a bit bigger.  They are not huge, but going from 1 mm to 2 mm, that means they have doubled in size!  Wow!

Hmm..... that is two things, anything else.... I feel happier!  Typically annoying things are far less annoying than they have been in the past.  I'm still annoyed by the same things, but I don't feel quite so invested in them as I used to.  I think the biggest thing with this is that I think I have been pondering hormones for some time now, like say years, and it feels great now to not been thinking about it any more!  And just doing it!

Okay, so three things...... hmm..... a fourth thing?  Sex has been feeling incredible lately.  I don't know if this is a physical thing or just a mental thing, but um yeah, there is that!

Lastly, I just feel more right.  Does that make any sense?  My doctor described the human body as analogous to the hardware of a computer and hormones as the software.  It kind of feels as though now I am operating on the right software!  Funny huh?  Odd to attempt to describe.

So..... maybe these things seem small.  And they are, but they are significant to me.  Seriously significant.  So significant that I can't see stopping this little experiment any time soon.  Just the first thing is enough of a change that tells me this is the right thing for me!

Okay, enough babbling!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Do what it takes to love yourself!

Oh.... btw, this post was written about 2 weeks ago.... so it's a little dated, just FYI!!!

My Outfit - Pop of Blue

Top - Lily White - Similar

Tank - Guess - Similar

Shorts - ??? - Similar

Shoes - Ralph Lauren

Something that I really like about myself are my legs.  So many of my outfits this summer show off lots of leg!  Apparently I really like them!  I think that is kind of funny as over all of these years I have only received one piece of hate mail and one of the only things I remember about it is that the person criticized my legs!  Maybe I remember it because I thought it was so absurd that was what she would choose to criticize!  Of all the things, she chose my legs?  Ha!  Funny!

Anywho..... I like this top.  I really like how it allows the top underneath it show through.  It was one that I bought at a super inexpensive store.  I spent maybe ten bucks on this top several years ago, and it has survived to still live in my wardrobe.  Most of the clothes I have purchased from that store don't hold up very well, but this one has.

Okie dokie.... not much today!

Love you!

Love polka dots!

Change in Wording

Hey guess what?  I recently found out that this little blog has been ranked #41 in the list of top 100 transgender blogs!  WTF?  That made me pretty happy.  You can go here and see the list for yourself if you would like.  It's interesting as well that this list is apparently updated weekly.  I wonder how long I have been up on that list for.  Hmm...... interesting indeed!

One thing that is a bit buggy is the description they have for my blog.  Yes I know that I wrote it, but I changed it fairly recently because it just rubs me so wrong now.  Here is what it used to say:

This is a style blog and yes I am aware that I am transgender! I am a man who likes to dress in women's clothes. I like to call myself Nadine while dressed as a woman. On my blog I will be exploring women's clothes and men being able to wear them in a fashionable manner and other various topics that interest me.

But I changed it recently to say:

A blog about fashion, style, and being transgender!

I like that SO much more!  It is so much more fitting.  I really dislike the way I originally described it, but it was how I felt at the time.  I don't know if you have noticed, but over time I have changed the description under the page header as well to better reflect how I currently see myself.


Oh and as well, I have sad, sad news..... I will no longer be writing for Already Pretty.  Sally has decided that it is time to move on even further from blogging and has decided to not have any more contributors to her site.  I find it quite saddening as I really liked writing for her blog as it gave an outlet to a transgender writer to a cis-gender audience.  Ah well, it's time to move on and explore other options for my writing.  I am super appreciative of anything of mine that Sally was willing to post on her site.  Her audience was WAY more vast than mine.  So... thanks Sally!

Okie dokie - I hope you all are well.  Sorry for the lack of updates recently.  I was laughing at myself as my blog had more active posting while I was away in Alaska than since I have returned!  Ah well.... Silly blogging me!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Winging It

I don't have a plan, I'm just sort of winging this thing.  People ask me if I am transitioning or not.  One of the most recent inquiries of this nature was from a good friend.  She asked me if I am going to transition as I was sitting in the lounge chair next to her wearing a bikini with breasts on.  I kind of had to laugh.  I mean, transition from what?  Haven't I already started some sort of transition?  Am I really the same guy she had met 20 years ago?

Well it is the question du jour as of late.  Generally the answer goes - You know I wish that I could predict the future but I can't.  Do I have any current plans to start living full time as a woman?  No.  I have no plans to do so.  Can I see myself as doing that in the future?  No.  I can't see that happening.

But at the same time, ten years ago would I have predicted that today I would be on hormone therapy?  No.  I would not have predicted that.  Most likely, I would have said, no there is no way ever that I will ever take hormones.

It is not as if taking hormones has come totally out of left field and blindsided me.  Maybe it has for some of you, but that is solely due to me not updating my blog nearly as much as I would like to.  But no, I have been thinking about taking hormones for quite some time.  I have written about it here and there, but maybe not as much as I should have.  Ten years ago I would have said no to taking hormones but I would still have admitted to wanting a more feminine body.  I would have still admitted to wanting every single thing that hormones could possibly bring me, in terms of beneficial aspects.  That whole blood clotting thing I could do without!

So.... in ten years will I want to live full time as woman?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Right now I have no plans of doing so, but I can't really predict what I will want in the future.  Can you?  Can you for certain predict what exactly you will and wont desire ten years from now?  I know some things, but there is know way that I will know everything.  Ten years ago I would have also said that I wouldn't want a truck, but now I want an even bigger truck than what I have now!

I wish I could predict exactly what I will want ten years from now, that could make life pretty darn easy.  Wait, what I really want would be to know exactly what my wife wants ten years from now!  That would be really cool and make my life far easier!  Ha!  It would also probably result in her being pretty darn happy as well!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Photo Credit:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/cogdog

Marriage is Growing Together

One of the arguments that I have heard from many different gender variant individuals about why they should not tell their spouses is because they don't know what to tell them what they are, like TG or a CD or where they will be in ten years.  If this sounds similar in nature to another post I recently put up, it is because it is.  In that post spoke at length about not knowing where I will be in ten years in regards to my transition.

That is not what this post is about.  This post is really about the idea of marriage.  When committing yourself to a marriage, are you doing so to the person that is in front of you right then?  With the expectation that they will always remain that person?  Like if that person enjoys vanilla ice cream when you marry them, does that mean they will have to enjoy vanilla ice cream forever?  And that if they suddenly switch to enjoying chocolate ice cream that your world will begin to fall apart?

Well no, probably not.  I mean does anyone really have all that much invested into the flavor of ice cream that their spouse chooses to eat?  I think not!  Well maybe, but I hope not.  Ice cream is not serious.  But there are a million little issues that could be more serious within a marriage that could change over a lifetime.  What about a job?  Or where one wants to live?  Or how about having children?  Or the number of children?  What about one's health?

That last one is a doozy.  We humans tend to have a nasty chance of having bad shit happen to our health.  What about if one day your spouse is fine, and the next you have to feed them because of a massive stroke?  Yeah, shit sure does happen.  The point really is, things happen over a lifetime.  Nobody and nothing stays the same for long.  So what is it when we marry someone?  It can't be this expectation that when one marries they are marrying that person and that person will always remain that exact same person.  Okay, possibly some do have that expectation, but it is simply naive to believe that.

People change all of the time, some of the things are small and some are big.  Admittedly I'm discussing this because I am transgender and people often ask my wife how she is with everything that I am doing.  Being transgender is a pretty big thing.  It can be a very life changing thing.  It is not as simple as what flavor of ice cream one likes.

But then again, if I didn't know that my wife's favorite ice cream had changed from chocolate to vanilla, I'd be quite annoyed.  I wouldn't be annoyed because she changed her likes and dislikes, what would bug me is that she didn't share it with me.  I would want to know what her favorite ice cream is, because I like knowing about her.  I like knowing her likes and dislikes and thinking that I know what those things are.

Which brings me back to my original thoughts, about some gender variant people not speaking with the ones they love about it.  Relationships, marriage especially, grow through communication.  If there is no talking, there is no relationship, at least in my mind.  Yes telling your spouse that you are transgender is a pretty big deal and honestly I have no idea what that would feel like.  Yes my spouse obviously knows that I am transgender, but it is not like I never said anything and then boom, came out to her one day, and now everything is perfect between us as we ride off on our white horse in our wedding dresses into the sunset! Ha!

My marriage to my wife has so far survived all of my attempts at understanding my gender variance because every single step of the way I have spoken to her about every last little tiny thing.  Trust me, I have spoken to her so much that she has often asked me to stop.  Not that she doesn't like me, but that at times I can be more than a bit obsessive about communicating.  It is that very communication though that has saved our marriage.  We have grown together throughout this all.

When I have made an appointment seeking hormone therapy and she is not just supportive of that, she is wanting the time to go faster until I can actually get them, that is some serious growth!  Maybe you don't know, but at one time she was very clear, if I ever start hormones, she is out.  Yup, she said that.  Now what's up?  She wants me to take them.  Again, not just supportive, but wanting it to happen.  Why the change?   Well there is a story behind that as well, but I am going to leave that for another day.

Today, this post, is really yet another plea for spouses to be open and honest with each other.  For people in relationships to understand that in order to survive the test of time, being as my spouse and I have been together since 15 and we are now 45, you must work to grow together.

Grow with someone.  It makes the garden so much prettier.

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Love growing together!

Photo Credits:
https://pixabay.com/en/bluebell-spring-new-growth-277700/