Silly Work Outfit

Top - ?? - Similar @Amazon

Undershirt - Vetemin - @Amazon

Jeans - Levi Denizen - Modern Boot Cut - @Target

Shoes -  New Balance - Similar @Amazon

Beanie - FHeaven - Similar @Amazon

Belt -?? - Similar @Amazon

Well, I suppose it is time to come clean if I am going to be able to accurately describe the context of this outfit.  And besides, I don't really think it is going to affect my life one way or the other for the blog-o-sphere to know how I am employed.  So.... ready for it?  Here goes nothing - - I am a middle school math teacher! 

Crazy huh?  Well I think I am to have been working with this age group for over 20 years!  Yikes, am I really that old?  Why yes indeed I am! 

Okie dokie, so now that is officially out of the way, this past week we had spirit week for our upcoming standardized tests.  On Friday it happened to be "meme day."  I kept asking everyone, what exactly are you going to do for meme day and they kept explaining to me what a meme is.  Uh, sorry kiddos, I understand what a meme is, what I don't understand is how is someone supposed to dress as a meme??  Whatever, right? 

My wife and I each have a shirt with a funny little saying on it, so we decided to wear those for our meme spirit day.  My wife's shirt is a pig eating bacon, thinking to itself, "yummm."  Funny huh?  And you can obviously see what mine says.  If you don't know the meaning behind this saying, it is going against conforming to the norm.  I always think of it as the students are the penguins!  Ha! 

The day that I wore this outfit, it was about an hour or two into my work day when it occurred to me that I was dressed fully in female clothes!  Funny as it was the first time ever.  I normally wear pretty much exactly what is pictured, except for wearing a male work Polo shirt instead of the silly penguin shirt.  I thought it was also pretty darn interesting as I normally don't wear such a tight shirt to work.  You know, with the boobs and all, tight shirts are interesting!  Oh, but I was too lazy to shave on this morning, so I had a bit of a goatee! 

You may be wondering how exactly things go with dressing the way that I dress while teaching 7th and 8th grade students.  You know that lovely age from about 12 - 14!!  Ha!  Lovely!  That is funny!  Well I will let you know, if you don't already, typically middle school students are so super self conscious of themselves that they can barely focus on anything else.  Sometimes it is about half way through the school year before a student will loudly exclaim "wait, what, you paint your fingernails?!"  And then the whole class laughs, not at me, but at their fellow student! 

I once had a student directly ask why I dress the way that I do, and I told them that I do it to show them that it is okay to be different.  Many teachers tell them it is okay to be different, all while looking exactly the same as a typical teacher.  I tell them that even though at first I was terrified of being myself in front of them, that I do it because I am learning how to love myself for who I really am. 

Generally speaking after that conversation with my classes, they clap.  Yup, that is how awful the little buggers are!  Ha!  Seriously the students are awesome.  And yeah, I do work at a pretty rough school.  New teachers have been known to run scared from this place!  But as well, this is not the only school that I have worked at that I have been dressed in a mixed gender manner.  I think this is the 4th school.  And at no time have I received any negative feedback from my students.  They have questions for sure, but they accept my answers. 

So, um, yeah, there ya go!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Seriously, give it a whirl!  Who knows, maybe you'll like it and start treating yourself better!

 

Outfit - My Usual State

Top - New Balance - Similarish @ Amazon (Looks cute at least!)

Jeans -Levi:Denizen @ Target

Shoes - New Balance (Arishi) - @ Amazon - @ Famous Footwear

Hat - @ Amazon

Here you see me in my more natural state.  I thought it would be good to finally post up something from how I actually look in a more day to day appearance.  This was inspired by two elements 1 - somebody mentioned to me that they don't ever go out because they don't pass, 2 - I haven't been posting many outfit posts recently because I have not been going "all out" lately. 

Okay so first point - here is a closeup up transgender me:

Is it obvious that I am not attempting to pass?  Now I fully understand that within the transgender spectrum, passing is an important thing, not actually to the people that they are passing to, but rather to the people that are attempting to pass.  So..... I totally get it when we are talking about the people who need to view themselves as who they know they are.  It truly is an amaze-balls experience to finally see yourself as how you know you have always expected to see yourself.  If that makes any sense!  Ha!

But.... if one's concern for passing is for fear of reprisal due to reveal of one's transgender status, then I want to be the one who gently nudges you to seeing the possibility that one can exist in this world as a transgender human.  A human that others see as a transgender human.  For this is personally how I normally appear in, oh, about, 99.9% of my life. 

I will admit that I have figured out how to take a pretty darn nice photo.  But really, that photo is just a small moment in time.  A carefully crafted moment.  The right lighting.  The right angle.  The right lighting.  The right camera.  The right lighting.  The right wig.  The right ligh...... okay, enough already!  Argh!  Point being is that in any given month, before starting HRT, I would normally only dress with a wig and makeup, maybe once or twice in a month.  Now it is even less.  But dressing in some sort of mixed gender presentation, oh well, yeah, that occurs the entire rest of my life.  That happens when I am working in my yard, going hunting, working at my job, going to the grocery store, living my life.

Not passing, is my life. 

I may very well pass when I give it a go.  It is still not 100%.  Certainly not when you actually speak to me.  But honestly passing is irrelevant.  I know how hard that is to understand when you don't have any personal experience with that, but it is what I experience.  Maybe someone can take something from my experience and give it a whirl! 

It's hard.  I get it.  I really do.  Which brings me to point 2.  I have not posted many outfit posts lately because I have not been going all out.  The wigs have been super annoying lately, and so has makeup.  That has not really inspired me to take photos of myself!  Because for me, I do not in any way see anything even remotely feminine in them.  But I'm trying to come to grips with some of my own personal issues, so.... here you go, you get to see the most common form that I take!  Ha! Like a shape shifter or some such shit!  Hahahahahaha!

Keep in mind online realities - these are reflections of real life, and reflections are often distorted.  Not wrong, just a bit different.

Live life.  Observe reality. 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hot pink!!

My Outfit - Super Comfy Leggings!

Top - Max Studio - Similar

Leggings - ?? - Similar

Boots - Nine West - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

It is really too bad that I can't remember who made these leggings, for they are wondrous!  I really like them!  They were a purchase that I made this past summer when I went on the Alaska cruise.  We pulled into some port, which I can't remember either!  Possibly because they sell recreational MJ there, so that could have a bit to do with my memory lapses!  Ha! 

Anywho....  while we were there shopping around I purchased two things that I wore throughout much of the cruise.  One of which are these super awesomely warm leggings, and another is a cowl neck hoodie.  They were both more than I would normally pay for clothing items as they were actually retail prices!  Yikes!  But the thing is, they are both great pieces of clothing!

That is how I think I really should shop.  Purchase some things occasionally, that are of nicer quality.  Then they actually look good, and will last for more than a season.  Hmm.... sounds good, I wonder if I can keep my binge shopping urges in check?  Maybe. 

Though I will say that as of late, my urges to purchase mad amounts of clothing has certainly lessened.  I really should get around to updating you all on my hormone therapy progress.  One of these days, maybe!  Ha! Again!

Oh I did want to mention that when I purchased these on the cruise, I totally wanted to wear them, but was super paranoid about wearing leggings while in guy mode.  Do I even possess such I thing anymore?  Guy mode?  Hmm.... maybe.  Well okay, I think that regardless of what I wear, unless I take the time to wear makeup and I wig, I am perceived by the general public as a male.  So I suppose that would be my guy mode huh?  Anywho..... I was paranoid about wearing these leggings, but I totally went for it!  And they are so super comfy!  Loved it!  And obviously no one said a word to me about it.  And I even had family on board this ship with us!  And what happened because of it, um.... I was super comfy!  And happy with myself for pushing my own boundaries. 

On the day that I took these photos, I wore this outfit to go see my therapist, who is frickin awesome, btw.  I don't know I mentioned it or not, but I really like my therapist.  I also really liked this outfit.  I have not worn this top with leggings, but it totally worked.  At least I thought it did!

Okay, gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love warm yummy comfy leggings!  Yay!

Back From Alaska

Hi!  I'm back!  Oh..... you didn't know that I was gone?  Well yeah, I decided to not announce my trip here as that is unfortunately not a good idea to do on the internet.  So.... anywho..... my wife and I got to take a cruise to Alaska!  Exciting, huh?  The above photo is from when Jules and I were in Ketchikan Alaska.

We had an exciting time, but it was also a bit stressful.  Unfortunately Jules' father is not doing very well as he is aging but he does not really want to accept it.  Instead he decided to take all his kids on a cruise to Alaska.  It probably was not in his and his wife's best interest to go on an Alaskan cruise, but he would not be talked out of it.  So.... we all pitched in to make this thing happen.  And it was some work, but we also figured out how to have fun as well.

I chose to not fully dress at any point while on the trip, but I did dress in a mixed gender fashion the entire time.  What was my real big breakthrough?  Stretch pants!  Yup stretch pants while presenting as a male.  As a male you might ask?  Yes as a male.  Although I was dressed in women's clothes from head to toe, except for most dinners, carried a purse, had my nails painted, and wore visible breasts, yup I was presenting as a male.

How so?  The beard.  It really is a dead giveaway.  I don't mind.  I find it amusing.  Frequently I ponder how others are perceiving me and what is going on in their head.  I mean they have got to know that I am transgender.  I don't make any efforts at all to hide it.  Really all I do is to not make the effort to wear makeup and a wig.  So, it's like lazy cross dressing?  Maybe.... I like to think of it as being gender non-conforming.... well, but now, even when I say that, I think, nope, I think of it as simply being transgender.  

Okay.  Just a quick thought.

Love you!

Oh.... my blog has kind of been on autopilot since I have been gone.  Comments have been published but I have not had a chance to reply back to any of them.  I thank you for your contributions to my blog and I will get to replying to you all soon!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Bikinis & Fishing

Coolibar Running Hoodie - Similar

Can't you see my bikini?  No, I guess you can't.  Though Jules did tell me that it was quite visible underneath my sun blocking shirt.  Maybe it had to be in the sun.  Hmm...

What you are looking at is the super nice trout that I caught while camping on the Kern River this past week.  Isn't it beautiful?  It was a super fun fish to catch that I was super surprised about.  The river is running really high this year due to all of the snow we received this year.  It is possibly the highest I have ever seen it.  We still tried to fish it and were not having much luck.  But obviously I happened upon the right spot at the right time with the right bait.  Yay for me!  It was the only fish that either of us caught on this trip.

I did wear a bikini every day on this trip.  But I also wore this awesome sun blocking top pretty much always as well, so it was kind of on the edge of things.  Clearly I was not wearing male board shorts.  And I had obvious breasts, and a bikini on, so I wasn't flaunting anything in anyone's faces, but I was also not hiding myself and conforming to typical behavior either.  I was kind of doing me!

There were times that I did just have on only my bikini and was walking around public spaces.  That is not anything new to me.  I have done that before, this time though I had on the top as well, with some sort of something giving me something to fill up the tops as well.  Nothing huge, but obvious enough.

Jules and I walked the dogs.  Hung out at the camp site, playing cards, watching the flowing river.  Went fishing several times near our camp and at various spots on the side of the road.  We went into several different small country stores, getting food or ice, or worms.  Again, I just kind of did me.  Nothing exciting happened, except for catching the awesome fish, and having a great time relaxing in a super kick back place.

By the way, I absolutely love this sun blocking top.  It worked so well.  Jules did not have one and she ended up kind of red at the end of the day while I looked fine.  It was also super hot where we were and several times I got the short wet in the river and it kept me cool for hours beyond that as it slowly dried.  It really is a great short, perfect for what I bought it for.  It is cool, lightweight, and kept the sun off of me nicely!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love relaxing!

Nice Hat

Hat - Slouchy Beanie 

The second compliment that I received today was "nice hat."  This was said to me by the gentleman that was standing behind me in line as I waited to make my next appointment with the dermatologist.  As soon as I finished up, I turned around, smiled at the man behind me, and he complimented my hat.  I really like this hat as well and have received more than one compliment on it.  

About a half an hour earlier I received my first compliment, "Nice shoes!"  The nurse was referencing my awesome polka dot converse.  We then had a conversation about real Converse versus fake Converse.  She was surprised that I was a die hard real Converse fanatic.  I giggled to myself and thought, uhh... did you not even see my shirt?

I thought it was super funny because, as usual, I was doing me, and what felt good to me.  But.... I was also doing me in that I was feeling a bit self conscious about my outfit.  Though not overtly feminine necessarily, at least not as my typical female outfits are, I was still dressed head to toe in female clothing.  I was also wearing a bra with enough padding to give me some shape.  So naturally I thought well, of course this woman notices what I am wearing and knows I am dressed as a woman.  But nope, this woman hadn't notice my clothing, so much so that she didn't even notice the giant shiny Converse symbol on the front of my shirt.

As soon as I was done giggling over this little tickler, I soon found myself in the interesting position of needing to remove my shirt and lie down on the doctor's table.  Why is it that this particular thing was a bit off for me?  Well the nurse that led me into the room, the one who complemented me on my killer shoes, she was apparently staying in the room as I was to take my shirt off.  Oh and yeah, I already mentioned to you that I was wearing a bra, with some small extra pads didn't I?

So uh yeah, to recap, I was wearing a bra with some pads and was needing to basically show this to her.  I thought about it briefly.  Which was probably just a moment or two, but it felt like forever.  The nurse was involved in prepping for the upcoming procedure and I took off my shirt as any other normal person would.  And then I did the extra ordinary thing of taking out my little pads and took off my bra.

It was truly spectacular.  Spectacularly ordinary.  No big deal.  The doctor came in, did the procedure, which was to remove a skin cyst if you must know, and the appointment was over.  I got dressed while she was still in the room, but I opted not to wear a bra.  I mean they did just slice into my back a few minutes prior!

So uh yeah, that happened.  I thought it was funny.  Another example of facing your fears one small act at a time.

Okay peeps!  I hope that you all are doing well!!

Love you!

Love yourselves!!

Hate cysts!!

The Adjacent Possible

I have been gathering some ideas to do a write up on how to shop successfully at outlet malls while being transgender.  Though the snarky part of me keeps saying, that'll be a short article; to shop successfully you need to just do it!  There ya go!  Short, simple, sweet, and to the point!  But then, I do understand that I do have a bit of flair in shopping well.  There might just be some tips I could offer to folks that could help give them the confidence to get out there, and just do it!  So an article along those lines will be forthcoming.

In the meantime though, I have been considering that the real big issue that many people face with doing things like dressing in a gender non-conforming manner, or completely crossdressing, and getting out there in the public eye, is fear.  That is a very difficult thing to cope with well.  Fear is a many faceted component living in the reality of almost all of us.  Fear can be a good thing.  It can help to keep us safe.  But the problem is often distinguishing when our fears are keeping us safe and when our fears are limiting us.

Far too often in my own life I can look back and see how my path was altered by fear and I really wish that it hadn't.  Oh sure, there are times that I followed my fear for the better, like when I pondered jumping over the railing while visiting the Grand Canyon.  But come on, jumping over that railing would have obviously been just stupid.  

What about this past Sunday though?  I was dressed in sort of a half and half manner with female jeans and shoes, and a male fleece top on, with small forms in my bra.  I decided to go into Designer Shoe Warehouse, but the problem was that I was terrified.  Seriously.  I dress this way all of the time and I am fine with it.  Or so I think!  The reality was that before I got out of the car, I almost took my forms out about 100 times.  I kept laughing at myself.  Really, with my nails painted, carrying a purse, in female jeans and shoes, and with female jewelry on, I was freaking out about having obvious breasts??  

I was.  I really was.  I was almost panicking.  Trust me when I said, I felt fear.  True fear.  Fear of possible super negative consequences or events and situations that I might be placed into that I knew I wouldn't want to be into.  Almost like jumping over the railing of the Grand Canyon! 

I read about something this morning that I think helps explain what I do when I am faced with an almost paralyzing sense of fear.  It is called The Adjacent Possible.  In order to get out of the car, all I thought about was doing just that, getting out of the car.  Sure I knew that the ultimate plan was to go into the shoe store and spend time perusing the aisles, but for that one moment, all I thought about was getting out of the car.  Then I did it.  The next thing was to force myself to just walk across the parking lot towards the store.  Which I did.  Then it was, to just go into the store.  Which I did.  The next was to walk to the women's shoes and start looking at them.  Which I did.  Next was to find a pair of shoes I liked and to sit down and try them on.  Which I did.  

Okay, I've belabored the point.  The thing is, you can't look at the entire event, only look at what the very next thing is.  By looking at the whole project it often paralyzes us, because it is just too much.  So by only looking at the very next step, it appears to be far more possible.  Thus you have The Adjacent Possible.  And that is how I do the things I do, only I generally reference it as facing my fears.

Now this is how I heard it described in this month's Popular Mechanics issue, but if you do some research on Stuart Kaufman, you can read the creator's thoughts about The Adjacent Possible.  His ideas on how it is described is a bit different.  I still think the theory of it is true for the situations I am discussing.  Steven Johnson also has an interesting take on it as well.  I really like that little video clip by the way.

I just really thought I should mention this little tid bit about me.  Frequently people seem to think that I have no fear and that I don't hesitate when being out and about in my various forms of dress.  The thing is, I am terrified, but I do it anyway.  I honestly think that is the case for most people that get things done.  We are terrified, but do it despite that.

Get out there people!  Face your fear, one adjacent possible thing at a time.  Start small.  Do the first step, then do the next, and the next and the next..... and pretty soon, you will achieve what you once thought was not possible!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Take that step!

Find that adjacent possible!

Do it for yourself!

Do it because it will help you to love yourself and to stop being so afraid, especially of yourself!

photo credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/dogtrax/30569892711
https://www.flickr.com/photos/gforsythe/7211075526

Hunting with Boobs

About a week ago I tried something that I have never done, I wore a bra and a set of the small boobs out while hunting.  And what was the result?  I had the best shoot average I think I have ever had.  I was super amazed.  I mean I have gone out shooting before while wearing boobs.  You may or may not have seen the post that the above picture was from.  But going out hunting to the duck field while wearing boobs?  Nope I had yet to ever do that.

There are a myriad of things that could go wrong with wearing boobs out to the duck field.  The first of which is that I could be spotted as having breasts.  I wasn't dressed as a woman, I had my standard male hunting gear on.  Besides my face also had quite a bit of beard growth on it and being on vacation I have not bothered to shave in a while.  So there's that!  Another thing is that, really what is the point?  Why would I possibly want to wear boobs while out hunting?  What could the be the possible benefit?

Well, with that last one, the benefit could be better shooting.  Better shooting?  Yes, better shooting?  How in the world could boobs help to make me shoot better?  Well, one of the main things about wing shooting is properly shouldering your gun.  One might think that is a pretty simple affair.  Put your gun to your shoulder, and shoot.  Ha!  I wish it were that simple.  Shooting happens to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Anywho, one of the best ways to shoulder your gun, is to begin by putting the gun but away from you while you bring it up and have it touch your cheek.  You then pull it back to have it seat against your shoulder.  If you do it right, then every time it is in the right position.

How often do I do it right?  Possibly about half of the time.  The other half my gun is sitting on my upper arm, or half way across my chest.  This results in a missed shot, and a possible bruise!  Anywho, while shooting with boobs, they are far bigger than my standard chest equipment.  This makes it so that I do that first part, of putting the gun out away from me, much more often.  If I don't do it, it bonks my boobs!

Thus, it actually helps me to shoulder my gun better!  And the result was that I shot much better than normal!  Yay!  I really thought that I may have found out what my difficulties with shooting have always been, missing boobs!

The only problem with my theory is that I have been out hunting twice with boobs since that first time and I totally sucked!  I mean sucked bad!  It was some of the worst shooting I have ever done!  So much for that theory!

Okay, just a silly little post today.  Oh, and yeah, nobody has said anything about my boobs while hunting.  Either everybody is super polite, or nobody noticed under all of my super fluffy hunting gear.  Oh and I totally know that I have not been posting much lately.  I am technically on vacay right now!  Yay again!  I say technically because while on vacay I am involved with remodeling portions of my house.  Currently I am stuck sanding and filling the ceiling.  Super fun!  So.... I work on the house and twice a week I go hunting.  I am pretty darn tired!

I hope everyone has been enjoying the holiday season!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Sometimes Being Out Is a Responsibility I Don't Want

Is it easy to be out or in the closet?  I think this is something that many of us part timers ponder.  I mean if you are facing certain transition, then the question is moot.  You're not going to transition to the other gender entirely and spend your time sitting in a closet all by yourself.  Life couldn't possibly get done that way.

For those who are just an occasional cross dresser, then again, I think the question is easily enough answered, you can stay in the closet, and who is to be any the wiser?  I mean many cross dressers simply throw on a few bits of girliness, have a few kicks while sitting in the privacy of their own home, and why should they tell anyone and everyone, that they enjoy that?  Many crossdressers will state that life is far easier without anybody knowing, even if that includes their own spouse.  Who am I to say that is wrong of them to do?  Nobody.  I am nobody to say that their choice to remain hidden is wrong.

But now me, how about me and how I choose to live my life?  I don't see myself as your average ordinary crossdresser, in fact I think of myself less and less as a crossdresser as time passses.  What do I think of myself as?  Transgender probably best, and easily, sums it up.  But, do not mistake me, I have no intentions of transition to the other gender.  I may continue slowly meandering towards more of middle path, but that is not the point of this post.

The point of this post is the reality of being transgender, and being out.  By being out, what I mean, is that I live my life, all of it, my personal life, my family life, my friend life, my work life, LIFE!!! as an openly transgender person.  I do not always state it.  I don't carry around a large blinking neon sign, proudly claiming my TRANSGENDER status.  But I do me, openly, and freely, for anyone looking, for anyone that cares to see, and to anyone who cares to ask.

Recently at work, a coworker made me pretty uncomfortable.  He has commented before about the things I choose to wear, like my painted nails, my iPad case, my choice in clothing, specifically socks and shoes.  It has all been fairly innocent and friendly.  But recently, it crossed the line.  He came into a common worker area and stated quite loudly, "hey man, you and your choice of shoes and socks, just throws me."  Or something to that effect, after which he began laughing quite loudly and walked up to another staff member, shoved him in the shoulder and said "hey man, did you get a load of this guy's socks and shoes, and mean really."  And continued to laugh and encourage the other staff member to do so as well.  The other guy sort of looked at the first guy as though he was crazy.

So..... while I choose to not be open about the profession I am in, I will say, it is a HIGHLY protected one.  One where we are mandated to have training on harassment.  And the guy who was harassing me, guess what one of his roles is?  Union representative.  Uh yeah, so that just happened.

Which of course led to me sitting in the Human Resources Director's office today discussing that I consider myself to be transgender, and relaying what this colleague did.  He informed me that it would be handled appropriately and that it should not ever happen and that if it continues to, that further disciplinary action will result.  I thanked him for his time and left.

But afterwards, I felt down about it.  I suppose I felt down because there are times when I don't want this responsibility.  What I really want is to be able to do my job and live my life without the fear of ridicule from others.  Which is exactly why I HAD to go to HR and report the situation.  I HAD to go and tell them, openly, and frankly, that I am transgender, and YES this coworker made me feel uncomfortable and it is beginning  to be closer to border on harassment.

Heavy.

I wish people could understand others better.  I knew I had to go to HR, I didn't want to.  But I HAD to.  I know that I am strong enough to do it, even though I didn't want to.  But I knew I HAD to, for all of you out there who are not strong enough.  For all of you who want to be out of the closet but are afraid because of the potential of ridicule.

But sometimes it is a responsibility that I don't want.

What is that Spider Man line?  With great power come great responsibility.  Geesh, I don't even have mediocre power let alone great power.  But still, I've got the responsibility.

As of late, I have had some TS people kind of dismissing me because I suppose I am not trans enough.  Hmmm..... trans enough yet people?

Love you!

Love and hate responsibility.

photos:
http://thebluediamondgallery.com/r/responsibility.html
https://pixabay.com/en/human-resources-hr-management-1181577/
https://pixabay.com/en/closet-dresser-furniture-wardrobe-764792/

Bracelets, Bracelets, & Even More Bracelets!!!

Work, work, work!!  I'm so funny!  Why?  Well..... I didn't have to work a couple of weeks ago, but I volunteered for the contract, and thus worked I did.  Then this past week, the same thing happened.  Next week, I'm back to my regular employment.  All of this wondrous work has left me a bit stressed out, a bit more moolah in the bank, but a bit tense.  So how did I spend my weekend?  Working!  Ha!

Well, is it really work when you love it?  Woodworking is quite a passion of mine and thus, I spent Saturday and Sunday finally figuring out how to make myself some bracelets.  It is something that I have pondered for quite some time.  I really like, well maybe love, silver bangles, but alas, my largish man hands basically prevent me from owning any!  Low I was sad that I couldn't fit into my mother's bequeathed silver bangles.

Anywho.... I figured that maybe the easiest way for me to have some cool solid bracelets would be to make them myself.  I toiled away for a couple of days, and figured out several different ways to make some, and a couple of ways to NOT make them!  When they explode off the lathe, you kind of figure out pretty quick that you shouldn't do that!

So.... I'm pondering opening an Etsy store and selling them in custom sizes and materials.  I figure that I could pretty much make them in any size, thickness, and materials.  It would be good for us transgender folk, as well as cisgender people.  Hmm.... maybe I could figure out how to fit that into the other ridiculous amount of things that I do.

Which kind of makes me think.... maybe I just like to work.

Hmmm...... enjoying work huh?

Well, enjoying working, maybe not always enjoying the work.

Does that even make sense?

Love you!

Lover yourself!

Love work?

They're Just Boobs

Jules and I live about 10 minutes away from a fairly small lake.  Well, it is supposed to be a larger lake, but in the 12 or so years that we have lived in this area the lake has never filled up.  So.... it is a fairly small lake.  But it is a fun lake.  We often travel down to it, drive down to the shore, back up the truck, through the fishing lines out, and let the dogs run around.  It makes for a relaxing time, just hanging out.

A week or so ago, we decided to do our usual thing and head down to the lake.  It happened to be kind of an overcast day, and I was wearing an oversize pink hoodie.  I also had on my Victoria's Secret double cup bra, which gives me the appearance of having breasts.  Not the sort of breasts that are easily hidden.  But the sort of breasts that are easily noticed.

Anywho.... we packed up our stuff and headed to the lake without me changing.  This is not really an unusual situation and I generally don't give it much thought.  Oh..... I don't think I mentioned, that the rest of my appearance was as a male.  This look is generally my go to look, and I am quite comfortable with it.  Or so I thought.

Jules and I setup our stuff, had our fishing lines in the water, our dogs running around, and were hanging out chatting and having a good day.  Apparently this idea seemed to be appealing to many others as well and more and more cars and trucks headed down to the water line and began filling in all of the spaces around us.  Again, this is not all that unusual.

What was unusual was when the folks next to us, a man, an older man, and a woman, began commenting on our dogs and encouraging them to come over for a visit.  When my dogs started to go to them, I got out of my seat and began walking towards them.  And that is when I remembered that I had boobs on.  And for a moment, a brief flash of insecurity flooded through me and I freaked out and told Jules I couldn't watch the dogs because of my boobs.  She got up and began walking towards the dogs and I immediately knew I was wrong.

Willing myself to not think about it, I screwed up my courage and followed Jules over to the trio of lake neighbors.  The man appeared to be pretty much a "rough and tumble," sort of guy and the older man appeared to be pretty country.  In fact all of them appeared to be quite country and I was worried about what was going to happen when my boobs became the topic of conversation.

But do yo know what??  We talked about all sorts of things, the dogs, the lake, the water, the weather, the fishing, but never once did my boobs come up in the conversation.  They were quite nice actually.  We chatted for awhile.  I inquired about what they were fishing for and what type of equipment they were using and still, my boobs never came up in the conversation.  We chatted for a bit, said our goodbyes, and headed back to our area.

We spent the rest of that day, fishing, playing with the dogs, and occasionally chatting with the people next to us.  All the while, my boobs stayed where boobs go, and they said said a word nor acted weird in any way.  And I had to yet again admit that the fear was only in my own mind.

Those people couldn't have cared less if I had boobs or not.

Thank you kind people.

Thank you for educating me, once again, about the reality of who people really are.

Too often we humans assume the worst in people.

Too often.

Caution is good.

Crippling fear is bad.

Love you!

Love others!

Gender Non-Conforming - Phone Case

Recently I upgraded my phone.  I had a Galaxy S3, that was a couple of years old and thus decided to go for a new Galaxy S3.  I really like the phone.  I hate the way that cell carriers decided to change their pricing for phones.  I never had any problem with signing a two year contract and getting a new phone.  I am not one who needs a new phone each time one comes out.  And besides, I have to stick with my cell company, contract or not, as it is the only service I receive at my house!

Anywho....  with a new phone, comes a new case.  Well, this time I decided to actually get a case.  While I like my phone it is large, and does not fit into my pockets; especially being as I have taken to wearing girl jeans pretty much all of the time.  Those darn tiny pockets!!  Ugh!!

Jules and I went to the mall and searched the center kiosks for phone cases.  I had seen ones like the style pictured above and thought that it would be pretty convenient and so I narrowed my search down to that style.

And then came the big decision....... what color should I choose????  Of course I was drawn to all of the "wrong" (think female) colors.  I wanted this one, but I just wasn't sure how it would be perceived by others if I got this one.

Could you imagine?  I wear female jewelry, both ears are pierced, I wear female clothing, carry a female Coach wallet, and have my nails painted in obvious female styles, and still what am I worried about?  If a pinkish/red phone case is going to make people think things of me.

Damn!  I'm certifiably crazy.

And still...... I was nervous about buying it.  And since having it, I have been nervous to show it around certain people.  I really wish I could just do me without worry.

Its like with every new thing I have to prove to MYSELF that it is OKAY to do it.  It never is what anybody else thinks of me.  These are MY thoughts, MY worries, MY lack of acceptance of MYSELF.  And I try and brush it off onto Joe public.

So.... while I do stress about this stuff, I still go ahead and do it.  And Joe public?  They prove what they always prove..... they don't give a shit about what I am doing.

It is only me.

I want to love myself better.

It's Bound to Happen

So here I am, Nadine, in my normal state!  Ha!  Seriously, this is how I normally am dressed; in sort of this half and half state.  It is honestly when I feel the most comfortable with myself.  Not fully presenting as a woman, nor fully presenting as a man.  Though I do consider this as my male presentation.

In this photo I am wearing my newest top from Target, it is kind of a cowl neck hoodie.  Um...super cute!  I also have on my dark wash Levi Denizen jeans.  What you may or may not be able to see is that I also am wearing the smallest set of breast forms that I own.  Well actually, the only set of forms that I own, which I think are also the smallest that they sell.  I rarely wear them, but they work out quite nicely with sports bras, which I also have on.  The rest of my ensemble is male; my beanie, and my shoes.

Anywho.... do I have a point to my story? Why yes, thanks for asking!

I tend to put on something like this after work and take care of my dogs.  This often involves letting them out into the front yard and running around our property, throwing bumpers, and generally having fun.  Jules, my two dogs, and I were in the process of this the other day when we heard one of our neighbors ask if she could come by and take some pictures of us with our dogs.

At the time we were maybe about twenty feet away with a bunch of plants between us.  Jules and I look say, yeah sure, we're just hanging out with the dogs, and trying to pull some weeds up in our front field.  Our neighbor walks the twenty feet over to us and we begin chatting.  Me?  Uhh.... sort of freaking out a bit, but I just go on about my business, as though this was all just as normal as it could possibly be!

Fake it tell you make it baby!!

We hung out for a bit, chatting for about fifteen minutes or so before we said our goodbyes.  She did not take pictures during that time, and I did not encourage her.  But really, everything appeared to be totally normal; just like any other day!

Jules and I got back down to our house, looked at each other, and said "well, that just happened."

I assume that my neighbors have all gotten good looks of me.  I dress this sort of half and half way pretty much all of the time.  As well as frequently dressing up fully, freely coming and going from my house.  But in terms of having a face to face conversation with any of them, it has never happened while I have been fully dressed.  But even this half and half sort of state is rare!  I think it has only happened one other time.

This being the second time, it was easier.  Which I am happy about.  I am beginning to see more clearly that people are going to follow my lead.  If I am okay with what I am doing, and genuinely act like I am okay with what I am doing, they will reciprocate that.

Love you!

Love others!

Love yourself!

I Thought You Were A Dandy Fellow

Unfortunately due to the unpopularity and controversy surrounding my gender variances I do not feel comfortable revealing what I am actually employed in doing, which sucks when you think about it!  Anywho.... I work with a large and varied clientele and there are also many different levels of workers at my job.  I am somewhat higher up in the ranks due primarily to my education level and the amount of experience I have in my field.

I also am a bit different than the other workers.  Obviously!  I mean if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I present in a very gender non-conforming manner.  Some may say that it is an androgynous presentation, but I take that to mean that people are confused as to my gender.  Nope, they are not.  Everyone takes me to be a male, but a male that clearly does things that other males do not do.  Thus, I prefer the phrase gender non-conforming, as opposed to androgynous.
Okay... maybe a bit long of an intro, but I wanted to try and intro the scene first.

I walked out of my office one day and an older gentleman who I have worked around for several years approached me.  I live in a very rural community surrounded mostly by farmers and ranchers.  While this gentleman works at my job site and is many years older than me, he is far lower down the ladder.  I think he used to be a farmer; which would make sense as part of his duties is to upkeep the onsite garden that we have here.

So.... he walks up to me and says "You know when I first met you I thought that you were a dandy kind of fellow, if you know what I mean by that."  Which I did not!  I figured that maybe he was insinuating that he thought that I was gay.  Which I don't care if people think or not, that is their choice.  He continued "Well I figured that with all of your fanciness, you were a real dandy, but I want you to know that I read you wrong, and I think that you are a hard worker, and that you are alright."

I laughed, thanked him, and the two of us walked our separate ways.  While I was a bit unsure of what exactly he meant by thinking that I was a dandy, I knew that he was offering me a sincere complement.  I was not raised on a ranch or a farm, but what I do know about ranchers and farmers is that they respect one thing, hard workers.  So while this older gentleman may have at first been kind of taken aback by many of my gender non-conforming behaviors, through being able to observe the work that I do, I was able to change his opinion of me.  Thus I was able to prove that I deserve his respect, which is HUGE!

And I was proud of myself for being willing to be me and show the world who I am.  And I was proud of him for being willing to observe, reflect, change his opinion, and be open and honest with me about where he was and how he changed his thoughts.

What a refreshing world we live in!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love others for they are human as well!


Photo:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Dandys_1830.jpg
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Honor%C3%A9_Daumier_-_Dandy.jpeg

Comfort!

Undershirt - Next Level

Jeans - Levi - Denizen

Shoes - Converse - Similar

Since I am on a comfort kick lately I thought I would share with you a picture of what I am wearing at this very moment and this is, to me, ultimate comfort! I know, I know, it is a totally horribly crappy photo.  But I decided to take it while I actually am at work, and the only viable location to do so was in a restroom with the only full length mirror available.

Why is this outfit so comfy?  Well, except for my work uniform polo, everything else is female clothing.  It is not blatantly so, but I know it, and that is enough.  And these jeans are so super comfy.  They are possibly the comfiest pair of jeans that I own.  They are a little tight in the thighs, but since they are made of stretchy fabric they are still super comfy.  As well, they are female jeans, but not overly fem.  When I asked Jules what she thought about me wearing them to work, she said "well they are a bit tighter than your normal jeans, but the only way I can tell they are female jeans is that I can actually see your butt."

Which I thought was pretty darn funny!  Considering that my work polo is so long, it covers much of my butt anyway, so who would really know!  And besides, who really cares!  Not me!

And this is actually the second time this week I have worn such an outfit to my job.  And do you know what happened?  Nothing!  Nothing happened, except for that I wore comfortable clothing, and I felt comfortable in my presentation.  Yay!  Good for me!

Now all I need are gender neutral pronouns that everyone else understands then I could be referenced that way and I wouldn't feel weird with folks referring to me as he or she and all would be right with the world for me!

Thanks to everyone for the wonderfully supportive comments and thoughts to my previous post.  It really is not that disruptive to my life, I just want folks to understand that my life is not this peachy, easy, lucky, simple little life where everything is awesome!  So thanks everyone!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Gender Non-Conforming - Wallet

Recently I had the opportunity to stop at the Coach outlet in Livermore, CA.  Often when I drive up to the SF Bay Area I will first stop at Coach and just sort of check out what they have. This time I had a vague notion of getting a new wallet.

I had been using a different Coach wallet, which was a half fold one.  That one was very small and convenient to carry around with me, but I always got frustrated.  It tended to be just a bit too small for me to easily get my money in and out of it.  The bill compartment was just large enough to fit paper money in it without folding it but I seemed to always struggle with it.  The other issue that I had with it is that it is partially fabric.  Thus the fabric was slowly, but surely, getting to be a different color from absorbing my oils and dirt from my hands.  Yuck!

So anywho... I wondered around the Coach store and spotted this lovely little puppy!  And I love it!  First off, it is a full size wallet and thus my paper money fits into it just fine.  Secondly it has a zipper that closes the whole thing right up.  Plus it has a change holder in the middle of it; super convenient.

But the thing that I think I like the most about it is it's edgy feminine styling.  It is a female wallet for sure, but being in black and with the rivets all over it, it has kind of a tough feel to it.  But it is a feminine toughness.  The rivets for example are in the pattern of a flower.  It starts on the front side and wraps around the bottom to the back side.  If you were able to lay it out fully you would see a whole flower pattern; though it does not open to fold out flat for a photo!

I really like that look.  That sort of in-between look.  Hmmm.... really?  Me?  The in-between look?  Surely you must be kidding?  Ha-ha!

So, um, yeah.  I love my new wallet.  I think it shows off my style just right!

Love you!

Do any of you others out there carry a female wallet or purse while dressed as a man?  How about you ladies out there?  Do you prefer a male's wallet?  Do you avoid purses?  I'd love to hear what you all out there in the blogoshpere do!

Be happy!

Love yourselves!

Love your uniqueness!