A Best Friend

I could have sworn that I had written about one of my tales of coming out to a friend, but I sure cannot find it recorded anywhere here on my blog!  Woe is me!  If I ever did retell this event and am simply unable to locate it here, and am forcing you wondrous readers to sit through it again, I am SO sorry!

I think it was about a year ago, or so........... an old friend (lets call her Shelly) contacted Jules and I and informed us of some super sad news..... doctors had found two brain tumors inside of her.  She was calling us as this information had caused her to have some deep reflections which prompted her to attempt to reconnect with old friends.  This was certainly heart breaking news to both Jules and I.

It had been some time since we had spoken with our good friend Shelly, but she is certainly one of our oldest friends.  We had met her in college, and the three of us had been immensely close.  Very close.  Super close.  Close enough that we had considered what life might be like living as a threesome instead of a couple.  Yeah, that close!

Anywho..... Shelly never new about my gender variance as at that time in my life, I myself was just beginning to be aware of it. The only bit of information that I ever allowed her to know was that I enjoyed wearing women's underwear.  I remember at the time being quite freaked out about telling her, but it was a total non-issue.

Fast forward almost twenty years later, and last year, Jules and I decided to go visit with her and her boyfriend.  Of course I went dressed as I like to now, in female clothes, but presenting as a male.  Shelly is a super open, kind, and considerate person, and even though I had not really shown this side of myself to her, I knew that she would be totally fine with it.  And of course, she was.

(I can't believe that I never wrote anything up about it.  I'm still quite shocked about that actually.  I have searched my blog repeatedly for my reporting about this event, but alas I have yet to find anything written up about it. Gosh, I suck!!!)

Okay..... so that is it about the back story of Shelly and me.  Now onto to present day events......

I had to travel south for a work related event and afterwards I knew that I would have a few days to myself.  Shelly and I have been texting a bit lately and I asked if she was available for a visit.  She said she was, and I knew that I would finally introduce her to me, dressed as a woman.  Of course I was more than a bit nervous, but I knew that it was something that I would wanted to do.

On the way to her house, I texted her the following photo.

I didn't want to just show up at her place kind of unannounced and surprise her.  I knew that she would be fine with it, but I still wanted to give her a heads up.

Before I knew it, I was at her house, parking the car, and walking up to her house.  She met me outside, and without skipping a beat, she greeted me and we hugged each other.  We went inside, said hello to her boyfriend, and the three of us began chatting, as if it was just any other totally normal visit.

I wish I could say that something super thrilling happened, and actually, in a totally boring manner, something thrilling did happen..... a fun, friendly, enjoyable visit with a best friend.  We hung out, checked out her new house, and chatted for hours.  Of course we talked about me, and my gender variance, as well as her health, and our lives in general.

Both she and her boyfriend were super supportive of me.  One of the first things she noticed was a change in my voice.  Funny, as I don't really notice a change, but she did.  Leave it to a good friend huh?  She complemented me repeatedly, and told me that she felt I was far more relaxed, and normal, and comfortable presenting as a woman.  Which of course, made me feel so loved!

We ended up hanging out for about three hours before I had to hit the road.  Luckily, I remembered that I needed to get a photo of the moment and I asked her boyfriend to snap to photo at the top of this post.  It was sad to leave, but unfortunately I had a few hours drive ahead of me to get home, and if I waited any longer the Los Angeles traffic would double that timeline.  So it was with sadness that I said my goodbyes and left.

By the way..... some of you may think I was brave in going to see her while dressed as a woman..... but in all honestly, Shelly is the brave one.  She is living with brain tumors..... coping with them in a holistic fashion.... and is winning.  I don't know if I could ever be as strong as she is.

Love you Shelly!!

Summer Outfit

Top - White House Black Market - Similar

Skirt - H&M - Similar

Scarf - ?? - Similar

Shoes - Naturalizer - Similar

I decided to wear this outfit for a day that was predicted to be about one hundred degrees Fahrenheit.  Jules and went to the movies and to CostCo.  Luckily, we got our shopping and such finished before it began to get really warm.  As well, I look all nice and refreshed because these photos were taken in the cooler morning after getting ready.

Can you tell recently that I just can't enough of these shoes???  Oh my god!  They are just super fabulous and every time I look in my closet at which shoes I think about wearing, I spy this pair and have to choose them.  They are so comfortable, and so cute!  I think I explained that in order to find them I tried on about twenty to thirty different pairs.  So..... the effort paid off!!!

Okay dokie folks!!  That's about it.  The movie was fine, CostCo was fine, the day was just fine!!

Thrillingly lovely!

Love you!

Love yourself!

On Love - Response to Comment

Wow, I have been avoiding responding well to this comment, and I am so sorry!  I think that I have been avoiding it because I don't think I will have good answers.  Ahh... my own insecurities bounding to the forefront again, huh?  It's just that what is written in this readers comment is so important and I wish I had some sort of magic that could help.  Okay..... here we go!!

I've posted here before, and asked a question or two, and as another wife I wanted to say I think you both look like you're really fighting for your bliss. You're so peaceful together and clearly made for each other, and you're both super cute. Jules, you are what Nadine aspires to, I can tell!) :)  

Anyway, I wanted to ask if it helps that Jules is bisexual? I'm heterosexual. And while I appreciate how close you both are to each other, in the photos where you're both dressed as women I see lesbian partners or two close friends, not husband and wife. Jules, are you okay with that? I know I didn't sign on for that when I got married. It makes me a little sad actually. I don't know why. My husband cross dresses for different reasons than Nadines (he's not transgender). But still.... 

 Anyway, thanks for posting your thoughts, Nadine. It's helpful even if they make me sad. I think confronting our feelings is always good. And I hope I'm not out of line here, but you say you've been lost? Really, I say you've been avoiding. It seems obvious to me that you need to live full time, maybe even transition, but the reasons not to are currently stronger. I don't know how your wife feels, and I'm just the wife of a crossdresser so no experience, but that's my gut feeling. Maybe I'm completely wrong - I mean this is a blog so I'm relying on your words to convey emotion! Either way, you're clearly one of those rare couples who are made for each other, despite all obstacles. I wish you both luck and peace.

Thank you for the complements!!

Okay, lets see..... you mention that your husband cross dresses for different reasons; that he's not transgender.  There is apparently more than one definition for transgender, but the one I ascribe to is that of being an umbrella term that covers everyone with any type of gender variance.  Thus personally, I do see your husband as being transgender.

But keep in mind that by identifying as transgender does not imply that one is going to transition.  And maybe that is where you think the difference between your husband and myself lies?  I think all of us humans are born somewhere within the gender spectrum, from typical female to typical male and every possible place in between.  Most times people's bodies align with where our brain perceives us to be on this spectrum, and some times it does not.  If that perception is far off enough, then a need to transition arises.  Transition, as I see it, is living as the opposite gender, full time, and it may or may not include hormonal changes and or physical changes.

For much of the past year, I have been greatly struggling with trying to understand where I am mentally on the gender spectrum.  By allowing myself to consider transitioning has helped me to understand that I am not that far down the gender spectrum, but I am further than maybe I had realized.  Maybe that is what you see as the difference between myself and your husband??

Alright, let's focus on this paragraph now:

Anyway, I wanted to ask if it helps that Jules is bisexual? I'm heterosexual. And while I appreciate how close you both are to each other, in the photos where you're both dressed as women I see lesbian partners or two close friends, not husband and wife. Jules, are you okay with that? I know I didn't sign on for that when I got married. It makes me a little sad actually. I don't know why. My husband cross dresses for different reasons than Nadines (he's not transgender). But still.... 

Really, I think this is Jules' question to answer and I will ask her to respond, but I'll give it a shot in the mean time!

I personally think Jules is me-sexual.  Meaning, she loves me, she likes me, she wants me.  So to her, it doesn't really matter how I am dressing, she sees me.  But, it does matter how I am behaving.  So if I am behaving oddly, which is not me, then it makes her uncomfortable.  And why wouldn't it?  Anyone behaving weirdly is uncomfortable to be around!  When I first began dressing up fully around her, I was super insecure and that threw her off, because that is just not me.  Once I figured out that my insecurities came from within me, and stopped placing them onto her, I became able to just be me, regardless of what I am wearing.

Thus in our photos, I see us.  I see Jules and me.  Who happened to be married.  So while I don't see husband and wife in the photos, I see spouses.  People who have agreed to struggle together.  For that is what a marriage is, isn't it?  A willingness to struggle together?

Your question though does pose interesting, and often uncomfortable thoughts.  Most pressingly, I think, is the idea of falling in love with the physical person, or the mental person.  It is pressed upon us to not be vain, and that true love comes from loving the person inside, and not just the outer surface.  But this is difficult when you are also mixing in one's sexuality preferences.  Jules happens to prefer either gender, and I happen to only prefer the female gender.

So I have posed a similar question to she and I for discussion.  Would I be okay if she decided to dress as a man?  And the answer has always been, if it would actually make her happy to do so, then of course yes!  Am I attracted to males?  No, not in the least!  But I am attracted to her, and I am especially attracted to her when she is happy.

Thus I feel so bad for you that you appear so unhappy in your situation.  Unfortunately I think that the revealing of ones status as transgender within a relationship can exacerbate existing problems.  Which is what it has done even with mine, even though Jules has known about my preferences since the start.

What has held us together through all of this?  Honestly, my insistence upon communication.  It has been a priority of mine since before I met Jules and it is something that I worked hard to force into our relationship.  The other half of that?  Jules' willingness to work hard at communicating as well.  It honestly has not been easy, or smooth sailing, or blissful honest lovey-dovey happy happy joy joy! It has been hard, uncomfortable, and at times down right terrifying.

And so far, to date, what has it really been?  The most rich, totally filled, love that I could never have imagined.  To say, even ten years ago that I had an understanding of what love means, would be foolish and wrong.  It's been almost thirty years for Jules and I, and every year I am more aware of the depths of love.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love others!


Photo Credits:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:-LOVE-love-36983825-1680-1050.jpg
http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=19320&picture=heart-of-love
https://www.flickr.com/photos/anabadili/6137924233
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/6928044842

From the Beach to the Valley

Top - Lily White - Similar

Tank - Guess - Similar

Jeans - Levi: Denizens

Shoes - Saucony - Similar

This was what I was wearing underneath the white fleece jacket in my last post.  It is a nice casual outfit, suitable for a car drive and a visit to the beach.  I also took with me a pair of shorts that day just in case it got warm and I wanted something cooler to wear.  As it turned out that day, it was pretty chilly and the shorts were not needed.

It was a nice outfit to wear though as it was easily layered and when we turned away from the beach and drove inland, and the temperature began to climb, I just removed the jacket and was fine.  You can't see it in the photos, but the back of this top is just like the front.  It is that nice loose lace and it is very breathable.  Which can be super nice in these wonderful California valley, 100+ degree heat.  Ouch!!

I have worn this top with a variety of different shirts underneath it; as I did in these photos, with a white top underneath it.  Of course I wore white, right??  But I really like the pop of color that this pink top provides.  I am glad that you can somewhat see it in the photos, because in real life it looked really bright and fun and summery!

Okay, gotta run!!!!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love others!

At The Beach

Maybe you were expecting bikini pictures?  If so, sorry to disappoint.  It is far too cold for bikinis at the beach!!  Brrrr!!!!  But you do get to see the nice new Columbia fleece jacket I picked up recently for a steal at 30 bucks!!  Woo-Hoo!!  And maybe at some point I will actually do an outfit post on what I am fully wearing.  But not today.

These photos were taken prior to the dinner that I wrote about in my previous post.  Jules and I had awoken in Pismo Beach this morning and all we had on our schedule was to get to Paso Robles for dinner with our friend.  So to kill some time we drove along the coast until we found a nice place to stop.  

I thought I would post these photos up as often I do not share my casual photos with the blog-o-sphere.  Generally when I take my outfit photos, it is with my hair freshly brushed, and not clipped up, I have reapplied my lipstick, and blotted my face to remove at least some of the oils from my skin.  So basically those photos tend to be as close to perfect conditions that I can get.  And the results are often some decent looking photos.  

These beach photos though, yeah not the best appearance for me.  They were taken by Jules as she and I walked along the waters edge, searching in vain for some shells.  Alas, it was a rock only beach.  We did find some cool rocks though.  

Anywho.... I thought I would share some photos that are a bit more realistic in my out-and-about appearance.  Hope you approve!!  And if not, then oh well!!  See.... in general, it is fairly easy to fool a camera.  When I am working at it, I can get a decent looking shot, but that is often not how I appear in day to day existence.  Often people will tell me that I pass SO easily that I must always have a super easy time getting out; with everyone always taking me for nothing but a female.  SO not true peeps!

I have learned how to fool the camera.  But in real life, not so much.  Yeah from a distance I appear fairly female, but without my hair brushed right, without my makeup perfect, with just hanging out on a cold wind blown beach and a spur of the moment, spontaneous photo - yeah it shows a bit more of the truth.

But I am fine with that.  I know what I am, and I love it!!

Love you!

Love the beach!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss it SOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!!!!

Love yourself!

New Polka Dot Dress

Dress - White House Black Market - Similar

Sweater - 89th & Madison - Similar

Shoes - Naturalizer:Believe 

Belt - Target - Similar

Recently I had the opportunity to do some shopping at my favorite outlet mall in Livermore CA.  I love that place, and they expanded it!!  Crazy!  I did not have much time to dawdle about though and so it was a fast shopping event.  Basically I went into a few of my favorite stores and quickly assessed the situation.  Of course I had to go into White House Black Market, right?!

It was funny though as I was dressed as a man while shopping.  Upon entering the store I was asked if they could help me with anything and I said, no that I was just looking.  I didn't see much until I spotted this dress.  Luckily they had it in both an 8 and a 10, my two prime sizes!!  Of course I informed them that I would be needing a dressing room.  Without skipping a beat, a sales associate got me a room.

They both fit, but the 10 was much more comfy, and less sausage like in appearance.  When I exited the room, the sales associate asked if it worked for me, just as if I was any other normal customer.  I was so excited about buying this dress that I totally forgot my Coach shopping bag in the dressing room.  Thankfully the sales associate reminded me about it as I was about to walk out the door!

A week later I was thrilled to be able to wear this dress out to dinner to meet up with my friend, Jennifer.  She invited Jules and I out to dinner while we both happened to be in the Paso Robles, Ca, area.  The three of us had a great dinner, eating, and chatting for about three hours.  Wow!  What a great time.  Unfortunately I totally forgot to get a picture of the two of us together, yet again!!  Bummer!!

Okay, gotta run!!

Love you!!

Love yourself!!

Love black and white!!

Love black and white polka dots!!