Orchiectomy - Hello Pain!!

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.  On a level of 1 to 10, can you describe the pain you are in?  1 is no pain at all and a 10 is the worst pain you have ever felt.  Where would I describe this pain?  Oh, in the 9-10 range.  I don't really think I have ever felt any pain like this before.  However, when I was asked this question yesterday in the hospital, I said, oh I don't know maybe a 5 or 6.  Why did I say that?  Well, I read once that doctors always hear people say that they are experiencing a level 11.  Thus doctors become desensitized to patients thoughts on pain.  I figured that the uncontrollable crying that happened when they asked me to sit up and get off of the gurney was some pretty solid evidence of the amount of pain that I was in. 

But, hey, I'm clearly ahead of myself aren't I?  Uhh.... just a little.  Okay then, let's back up.  I first considered getting an orchi awhile back.  I'm not sure when it first occurred to me, but I do not what precipitated it.  That was difficulties in getting my spironolactone, spiro for short.  Spiro is used to prevent the body from using the testosterone it produces.  When you are assigned male at birth but are actually a woman, generally you get placed onto two medications when you begin hormone therapy.  Spiro to block the testosterone and estrogen to give you what you should be getting. 

Anywho..... I, like most US citizens, tend to use CVS pharmacies to get my prescriptions filled.  Several times over the last two years I have encountered difficulties in getting my scrip for spiro filled.  One particular time the pharmacy I use told me that they would be unable to fill my scrip; they informed me that they were out of that medication.  They offered me nothing and gave me no assistance in finding a place to fill the scrip.  I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a totally anti-transgender move by the pharmacy.  I kind of got a clue when I tried phoning several different locations and none of them would fill my scrip.  I finally just drove across town to a different CVS, and spoke with that pharmacist.  He said, that yeah, they were indeed out of that medication but there were at least 3 or 4 other manufacturers of that type of medication that they could easily use to fill that scrip.  I walked out 5 minutes later with the scrip in hand. 

The thing was though, I totally panicked when I was struggling to get my scrip filled.  It was around then that I realized what a horrible feeling it was that other people were now in charge of my body.  They had the power to determine whether or not I would be on testosterone or not.  That really pissed me off, horribly so! 

It was around then as well that I started noticing the effects that spiro was having on my body.  Yes spiro stops the body from being able to utilize testosterone, but it also can increase the potassium in your body to dangerous levels, thus requiring frequent blood work to be examined.  It also lowers your blood pressure which increases the amount of being light headed and dizzy upon standing.  The other lovely thing is that it is a diuretic which means that I was constantly feeling dehydrated.  I would drink liquid all day but by the end of the day my skin was super dry and flaky and my lips were constantly peeling.  I would wake up every morning with such a super dry pasty mouth that it was painful. 

So, uh, yeah, there you go, oh and let's also throw in that the longer I am in therapy, the longer I am on hormone therapy, the more I am understanding my reality, I'm actually a girl.  And do you know what most girls don't have?  Testicles!  Yup, not so much!  Thus it was, I found a doctor who was willing to accept my cash, as my insurance will not cover such things.  Even though in the long run, it will save my insurance plan money.  How so?  They are paying for my spiro.  If I didn't get the orchi, I would be on spiro for the rest of my life, with my insurance paying for it for ever.  But if they would be willing to pay for the orchi, then no more spiro!  And yes it would have saved them money.  But no, they wouldn't pay. 

Okay, so whatevs..... I found a doctor in Philadelphia that I could afford and specializes in working with trans patients.  Thus it was I arrived in Philly earlier this week, and on Thursday I got my orchi.  The thing that shocked me the most was how much pain I was in when I woke from surgery.  I was not anticipating that.  I thought that I would be numb, but nope, I wasn't.  I was in pain.  And that sucked.  I spent the next hour or so crying trying to come to grips with the amount of discomfort I was in.  I got some food in me, and some soda, and some percocet.  That made it so I didn't care so much about the pain, but I still felt it. 

My doctor had picked me up in the morning, and took my wife and I to the hospital.  Once I was able, he drove us back to the hotel, and that is where I have been since.  I know that I will make it through this, and that it is the best thing for me, but for now, it just plain sucks.  I wish I was home.  I wish I could have had this procedure done at my local hospital and that right now I was recovering at my house, with my own things, and able to stay in my own bed.  Easily half of my discomfort right now is that I am staying in a hotel.  That sucks. 

This is but one of the dehumanizing things some of us trans people have to endure to be able to be who we are.  Kinda sucks.  Kinda really sucks actually.  Well for right now it does at least.  I know I will make it through, and I know I will be happier.  I just wish it was right now.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Don't love pain so much. 

Trans Regret & Body Autonomy

Regret is a very difficult thing to deal with, and there is great concern out there about what will happen if a transgender person may regret their decision to transition.  I first encountered this worry when I informed my friends and family that I had switched my hormones. I was actually quite surprised at how many people said to me - wow, okay, are you sure that is what you want to do? And very often that was followed up with - so, what will happen to your ability to produce testosterone if you are on estrogen for too long? Will you loose the ability to produce testosterone in the future if you change your mind?

It is almost as if they don't know me at all. And that is the rub, isn't it? Well for me it is, as it indicates that I hid myself very well. So well in fact that most people really have no idea of the life I have lived and for how long this "transgender thing" has been around. Weirdly, I didn't really understand that either.

Keeping those things in mind, I should have been better prepared for people being concerned about my upcoming surgery. If they were concerned about hormones, then they would be kind of freaked out about a surgery, right? Yeah well, I didn't really think that one through all the way. Maybe before we go any further, I should inform you what surgery I am discussing. People generally think about the surgery when trans people talk about surgery. No, it is not the surgery, however, it is right next door! Hahahaha..... I am scheduled to have an orchiectomy at the beginning of June. Don't know what that is? It is the removal of my testicles.

Why? Well, yeah, that is the question huh? Basically because since I switched my hormones it has become more and more clear that estrogen is a very important thing to me and my well being. Testicles produce testosterone. There, isn't that enough? It really should be. However, there is a bit more. I take spironolactone to prevent my body from using the testosterone that it constantly produces. That particular drug does other things to me besides the T thing. Number one would be that it makes me pee all the time. It sucks. Especially considering that I am a teacher. We don't have the ability to leave our classroom whenever we want. Number two is that it makes me dizzy and lightheaded when I stand too quickly. Besides those glorious side effects, I have unfortunately come close to not being to get my prescription. I had a pharmacy tell me they ran out and there was nothing they could do about it. Yeah, good times!

Basically I have decided to have my testicles removed so that I can have more control over my own body. Such a large, permanent change should be taken seriously, right? And I have. I kind of think that about 30+ years of pondering my gender is probably a long enough time to make a serious decision like this. The tortured days, and nights..... the endless discussions with my therapist.... the annoyingly long (all on my part) discussions with my wife....

Anywho….. I have been fielding questions from highly concerned people about what will happen if I regret my decision to remove my testicles.  It has been strange listening to these people describe their concerns about me and my body. Largely I have been pondering why so many people have been worried about my balls!  It is quite interesting that people are worried about what I will do to my own body.

Do you know what is weird? Nobody has ever said to me, congratulations. Don’t you think that is the appropriate thing to say?  What if you knew somebody who was born with a deformity that limited them in life and they have had to deal with it their entire life?  What would you say to them if they announced to you that they finally received a surgery date?  Would you ask them if they are sure that it is the right thing for them to do? Would you be worried that at some point they may regret their decision to change their body?  Would you tell them that you are excited and happy for them? I know for me, that is what I would do.


Okay, but whatever, you do know that I am NOT a man right? Oh, that's right.... I hid myself too well. So well that throughout most of this blog I have referenced myself as a man. Yeah, I am aware of that. Go ahead, take a look back through my documented history, you can see for yourself, I have referenced myself as a male for most of my history. So, maybe, possibly, I can sympathize with my friends and family who are concerned that maybe I may change my mind at some point.

What I have a harder time with are WPATH suggestions. What is WPATH? World Professional Association for Transgender Health. Yeah, I agree, exciting! Wait, there is a world-wide organization that is supporting transgender health? Well, yes and no. In many ways WPATH is accused of being a gate-keeping organization. What is gate-keeping? It is the practice of not allowing people to have autonomy over their own bodies. Meaning? Well basically it means is that unless you meet certain guidelines you will not be allowed access to that thing.

Vague? Possibly. So let's see if I can clarify a little. WPATH publishes a little something called the SOC - Standards Of Care. On it's surface this sounds as though it may be a glorious set of recommendations that the medical community needs to do for their transgender patients. That way ill informed doctors could reference it and then deliver appropriate care for their patients. And maybe some doctors use the SOC in that way, which would be fabu. However, in my limited amounts of experience, what I have seen is doctors and insurance providers using the SOC to limit access to medical care for the transgender community.

How so? The SOC include checklists that are to be used as guidelines for most things that transgender people want to do. Some of the checklists are:

Criteria for puberty-suppressing hormones (for children)
Criteria for hormone therapy
Criteria for masectomy
Criteria for breast augmentation
Criteria for hysterectomy/orchiectomy
Criteria for phalloplasty/vaginoplasty

Notice how they say "criteria?" Yeah most people do. What most people gloss over is the section of the SOC that say:

As in all previous versions of the SOC, the criteria put forth in this document for hormone therapy and surgical treatments for gender dysphoria are clinical guidelines; individual health professionals and programs may modify them.

Now, if doctors, insurers, therapists, and psychologists, actually understand the English language and can read, they would understand that these are not requirements, but guidelines. As well, people can feel free to modify them. Especially in states that have informed consent laws. Informed consent is when a health care provider does not have to follow these guidelines at all and can perform any procedure they are qualified to, as long as the patient is clearly informed about the risks, consequences, and outcomes.

However, the problem with this situation is that some health care providers make these guidelines become requirements. In my search for a doctor to perform my orchiectomy I struggled with doctors having more strict requirements instead of less strict ones. Here is what the SOC currently states for an orchiectomy.

Hysterectomy and Salpingo-Oophorectomy in FtM Patients and Orchiectomy in MtF Patients:

• Persistent, well documented gender dysphoria;
• Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to give consent for treatment;
• Age of majority in a given country;
• If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be well controlled;
• 12 continuous months of hormone therapy as appropriate to the patient’s gender goals (unless hormones are not clinically indicated for the individual.

As well:

Two referrals—from qualified mental health professionals who have independently assessed the patient—are needed for genital surgery. .... Each referral letter, however, is expected to cover the same topics in the areas outlined below.

The recommended content of the referral letters for surgery is as follows:

• The client’s general identifying characteristics;
• Results of the client’s psychosocial assessment, including any diagnoses;
• The duration of the mental health professional’s relationship with the client, including the type of evaluation and therapy or counseling to date;
• An explanation that the criteria for surgery have been met, and a brief description of the clinical rationale for supporting the patient's request for surgery;
• A statement about the fact that informed consent has been obtained from the patient;
• A statement that the mental health professional is available for coordination of care and welcomes a phone call to establish this.

Yeah, so, those are the checklists of recommended items for someone requesting any genital surgery. It says that there are two referrals required, however, doctors and insurers are actually requesting three. Two from mental health professionals and one from the doctor prescribing your hormone therapy.

Now then, let's go back to the "guidelines" for surgery that the SOC says are not mandatory. I contacted about ten different doctors for my surgery. Pretty much every single one required that I meet every checklist item, plus their added items, prior to even scheduling me for an appointment. When I informed them that the SOC are guidelines and not requirements, they informed me that it does not matter, and that for them, they are requirements. When pressed about what appears to be an instance of denying care to trans people, they informed me that it was the insurance providers policy. I told them that insurance is not paying for my surgery, that I am. They said they did not care, that it was their insurance providers insistence.

There are many people I have discussed this situation with, and surprisingly almost everyone has told me that they have no problem with those checklist items being requirements. When asked why, they said, because we need to make sure that the people that have these procedures will not regret their decision.

Wow. Seriously? Is that the bullshit that you're going to hide behind? Apparently yes, they will try. Surprisingly, to me at least, most transgender people also support these guidelines. When asked why, their answer is the same, we need to make sure that transgender people will not regret their decision.

Hmmm..... I am calling BULLSHIT!!! Totally, fully, completely, bullshit!

I do not think at all that people are worried about other humans regretting their decisions for how they may prefer to modify their bodies. But I do think I know what it actually is.... it's just plain old fashioned transphobia. How so? Well, thanks for asking, let's explore the answer to that question. In this discussion we will focus on breast augmentation. Why? It is the number one most performed plastic surgery procedure. In 2017, there were about 300,000 of these procedures done in the United States alone.

Okay, what types of requirements are there for a cis-gender human to get breast augmentation? This is a difficult question to answer as it is different for every doctor and basically there is no universally accepted pre-requisite, and many have no pre-requisites at all. One plastic surgery center I found via Google states:

You may be a candidate for breast augmentation if:

• You are physically healthy and you aren't pregnant or breastfeeding
• You have realistic expectations
• Your breasts are fully developed
• You are bothered by the feeling that your breasts are too small
• You are dissatisfied with your breasts losing shape and volume after pregnancy, weight loss or with aging
• You are unhappy with the upper part of your breast appearing "empty"
• Your breasts are asymmetrical
• One or both breasts failed to develop normally or have an elongated shape

If you're considering surgery, spend some time reviewing breast augmentation photos and learning about what to expect during recovery. Preparation ahead of time helps patients have reasonable expectations and a smoother recovery.

Hmmm..... notice anything missing? I do. How about referral letters from your health providers? What about referral letters from your mental health professionals? What about a checklist of items that the surgeon demands that you provide evidence for completion? Those things do not exist for cis-gendered humans for breast augmentation. So, how about for the trans population that would like breast augmentation?

Criteria for breast augmentation (implants/lipofilling) in MtF patients:

• Persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
• Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
• Age of majority in a given country (if younger, follow the SOC for children and adolescents);
• If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

Although not an explicit criterion, it is recommended that MtF patients undergo feminizing hormone therapy (minimum 12 months) prior to breast augmentation surgery. The purpose is to maximize breast growth in order to obtain better surgical (aesthetic) results.

As well, the patient is required to submit one referral letter from a mental health professional describing the same checkpoints listed earlier for genital surgery. They are also kind of lying when they say one referral letter, they actually mean two. One from your mental health professional and one from your medical doctor prescribing your hormone therapy.

Okay, so obviously there are quite a few differences in the "requirements" to fulfill to be able to get a boob job. Some may still say, yeah well, that is important to protect people from regretting a life changing procedure. In 2017 there were quite a few articles running around stating how lots of trans people are regretting their surgeries and are requesting a procedure to medically transition back to the gender they began as. Newsweek published an article:

Gender-confirmation surgeries—the name given to procedures that change the physical appearance and function of sexual characteristics—increased by 20 percent from 2015 to 2016 in the U.S., with more than 3,000 such operations performed last year. Rates are also increasing worldwide. Now, at least one surgeon is reporting a trend of regret.

Wow, so this trans regret thing is pretty serious. I mean, there is even a trend of regret, right? I used to actually think that publications like Newsweek could be trusted. Did you notice that they give a large number, of 3,000 such operations, but never actually give numbers to the supposed "trend" of surgery regret? These days, I don't know if anything can be trusted. It seems as though everyone is just being inflammatory to sell their product. Drama sells. And people are so intrigued by possible regret that trans people may have. So then, what about the trend that Newsweek reported on?

I found some info about this, but not from such an "esteemed news organization" as Newsweek. The info I found is the following:

36 surgical reversals out of 18,000-27,000 trans patients who’ve received surgery is a reversal rate of 0.13-0.2%. This is consistent with existing studies finding that rates of regret following genital surgery of about 2%, and indicates that only a small fraction of those who do experience regret will go on to seek reversal surgery

Okay, so maybe there is not exactly "a trend" of surgical reversals of Gender Confirmation Surgery. That is the whole kit and caboodle by the way, not just a boob job. So the rate of regret, with an actual study, was between 0.13-0.2%, and they report it is consistent with a rate of 2%. Which is ten times what the study showed, but whatever, make it bigger to account for some statistical errors. That is fine. But still, even with increasing it, the rate of regret, leading to a reversal, for a full GCS, is being reported at 2%.

Shall we take just a small moment and compare that rate of regret and reversal to the rate of regret and reversal for cis-gender breast augmentation. This is again difficult stats to find. But I found the following:


The most common surgeries among the survey group were breast augmentations (31 percent) and nose jobs (27 percent). Liposuction came a close third at 24 percent, while 16 percent had eyelid surgery.
Asked how they felt following surgery, two thirds (65 percent) said they "regret having cosmetic surgery" although 28 percent said they "couldn't be happier with the results".

Another source reports on breast augmentation specifically:

The FDA lists 26 potential complications, from rupture and deflation to infection and necrosis, and warns that up to 20 percent of women will have their implants removed within 10 years.

While the first stat is not super official it falls in line with what I have heard, most people who have plastic surgery regret their decision. Looking at the first quote, it says that 65% of Britains regret their surgery. Ummm..... trend anyone?

The second stat, coming from the FDA is pretty darn reliable, 20% of women will have their implants removed. That is a pretty big number of women who clearly regret their decision to have breast implants.

Yeah, let's make sure that we remember the trans stat, 2% regret reported, with the study putting it 0.2%. Okay, so a bit of math says, with 2%, that is one tenth of what cis-women report, and with 0.2%, that is one one hundredth. But hey, we need to make sure that trans people don't regret their decision.

What I am hearing is that people care SO much about the transgender humans that we just want to make sure that as few people as possible regret their decision to transition. And that is with hormones alone, and we especially want to make sure they do not regret any surgical decisions they make. However, with cis-gender humans, we don't really give a shit.

Did you happen to take a look at the requirements for getting breast implants and compare the cis-gender and transgender requirements? The cis-gender requirements are all ones that a single human all by themselves can make. They are making a choice about how they are going to treat their own bodies. For trans people? Yeah, no apparently we are not competent enough to make decisions about our own bodies. To even have surgeons consider you for a breast augmentation, you need to have two letters, a doctor, and a therapist. Did you see what the therapist has to write? I did. My therapist's letter is about 3 pages long. Yup 3 pages.

Yeah, for the orchiectomy, the requirements are even more severe than for breast implants. I actually got into a bit of an argument with a psychologist about the requirements. One of the old requirements for an orchiectomy is that you have 12 continuous months of living as the gender you identify as. So I suppose that one line will put the surgery out of contention for anyone who identifies as non-binary huh? Yeah, sorry, you don't identify enough with either gender to qualify as living full time as either male or female huh? Yeah, sorry, you're fucked.

Okay, but anywho, back to the direct comparison of breast augmentation for trans and cis humans. Now, not for one second do I believe that our society cares so much about trans people that we want to make sure they do not regret their surgical choices as much as the cis population does. What it is people, is straight up transphobia. There is nothing else that you can suggest to me that will make it so that I do not see the discrimination before me. Hell, they even put it in writing! That is what the Standards Of Care show. The SOC show that it is discriminatory in nature to expect different requirements from different groups of humans.

How can it be proven that our society as a whole is not discriminatory? Okay, maybe I am overgeneralizing too much, so let's just focus on the medical community and insurance providers for a moment. How can it be demonstrated that surgeons are not massive transphobes? Ummm..... it is really quite simple. Have the exact same requirements for anyone to get the procedure. As long as there exists a difference between trans-human's requirements and cis-human's requirements, then it is nothing but blatant discrimination.

The thing that really kicks me in the balls about this, (HAHAHAHAHA) is that most transgender people that I have spoken to are in support of these requirements! When asked why, they say that we need to protect our image, and anyone regretting any medical choice they have made is just bad publicity for our group of people. That is quite sad actually. It seriously reminds me of the practice of circumcision. Which, as reported by many men, is frequently performed so that their baby boy's penis looks just his daddie's. Wow, how sick! In other words, many trans people who have survived the inquisition that is this absurd checklist of surgery requirements thinks that if they had to go through it, then everybody else should have to as well.

Fuck! Even WPATH states, that their criteria are recommendations and not requirements! Nobody should be forced to conform to the expectations of a society that cannot clearly see it's way to actually allowing human beings to have autonomy over their own fucking bodies! Ummmm.... yeah, sorry, I am pretty heated about this bullshit.

Sometimes it makes me really wonder if they actually know about the transgender population. Like for instance, are they aware that there is an extremely high suicide rate? Basically it is somewhere between 40-50% of all transgender people will attempt to commit suicide at some point in their lives. I've actually read of some people who will say that statistic is proof of how mentally unstable the transgender population is. That is really sad. Mostly because it is that sort of rhetoric that is causing the problem. Transgender people are more likely to kill themselves because of rejection from society. Yup, pretty simple. People who face harassment, discrimination, and rejection from family and friends for some weird reason want to kill themselves more. So, to help these humans part of the solution is apparently making them jump through hoops, the SOC, to get the procedures that would actually help them to be better accepted by an already over critical society. But we are worried that some of them may regret their decision. Seriously?

I have actually had some contact with a few people who did come to regret their decision to transition, so maybe societie's, and WPATH's concerns are well warranted huh? Because, see if just one transgender person comes to regret their decision, we need to stand up and protect the poor misguided transgender human. Hmmm...... that is still pretty fucked up. As it turns out, the people I know stopped or de-transitioned because of a lack of societal support. Which is what I have also heard from my therapist and my doctor. These people didn't decide they were not transgender, they decided they could not put up with the vast amounts of negativity that they received from their community. Wow. Seriously, wow.

Let's see if I can wrap this up without using the f-word. Uhhhhh........ people should be allowed to do with their bodies as they please. Simple. Easy. You have no right to tell another human being what they can and cannot do to their own bodies. They are our own bodies! How about a simple deal, I wont tell you what to do with your body, and you wont tell me to do with mine. Yes, even if we disagree with what the other one is doing. Yes, even if you think it is wrong to do to oneself. Yes, even if........!!!!

Simple.

Body autonomy.

Love you!

Love your body!

Even if you have to change it to love it, you love that fucker up!

Oops...


Picture Credits:
https://www.deviantart.com/thelonemackerel/art/Regret-384681825
https://pxhere.com/en/photo/548566
https://www.maxpixel.net/Worried-Girl-Waiting-Worry-Thinking-Woman-Sitting-413690
https://pxhere.com/en/photo/869403
https://pixabay.com/images/search/stress/

What? Hormones Were Life Changing?

Recently (who am I kidding, it was months ago!) a reader of this blog, Stana, a most awesome blogger herself, asked for me to expand on this section of one of my posts:

Hormones - This one was life changing for me.  It really opened my eyes to my reality.  I laugh at who I thought I was prior to last July and changing my hormones to the right ones.

Changing my hormones did many things for me.  Physically they have done very little, in my opinion.  That is super tough, which is weird.  At some point I was super afraid of what the physical changes would be, and now I'm bummed there hasn't been more.  The fear was that I wouldn't be able to hide the physical changes, which is now irrelevant. And hey, surprise surprise, I'm a woman, so I'd kind of like to look a bit more feminine. 

The number one thing that changing my hormones did is it allowed me to accept who I am and go with it.  When I first decided to do this I had no intentions of going full time.  I never saw myself as actually being a woman.  I figured I would give hormones a shot and see if that would help with some concerns I had.  Now, after having been full time for about six months, and having been on estrogen since July 2017, I know I will never go back.  I can see now that hormones didn't make me want this, it allowed me to admit what has been there all along, I'm actually a woman.

Which brings me to the number two thing that changing my hormones did, rewriting the narrative that is my life.  Here is a brief summary - as a young child I cried over everything, once I hit puberty I was frequently angry over everything, as an adult my wife and I super struggled to get along, sprinkle in a large obsession with sex throughout it all, and that was pretty much what I thought my life story was.  Well, pieces of my life story, but they were pretty big pieces.  I figured that as a child I was sad because I had a fairly dysfunctional family, so obviously I cried often.  Once I went through puberty that sadness turned to anger because yeah that is what testosterone does.  And I had a bit of a sexual obsession, well because there is testosterone again.

I figured that my job on this planet, with this body, and this brain, with my interests, temperament, and desires, was to figure out how to be who I wanted to be without being uncontrollably sad, irrationally angry, and inappropriately sexual.  Also I wanted to get along with the love of my life like we are long lost soul mates.  Easy right?  Ha! Ha! HA!  No.  Not so much.  However, I change my hormones, just sort of on a whim, right?  No, not really, it was a multi-year, possibly decade long ponderable.  In the end it became sort of a hmmm..... nothing else has seemed to help, so why not try this?  And then things shift.  Life begins to change.  Memories fade and old mental boxes open to show long lost secrets. 

So, how about this for a life rewrite?  1 - I was sad as a young child because I couldn't rectify the discord between my male body and my female brain.  2 - I got super pissed as a teenager, because my body began developing secondary male characteristics.  3 - My vast sexual drive was actually a combination of an intense attraction to the feminine and an attempt to be as close to anything feminine as I could without it appearing to be anything related to my gender.  4 - The difficulties with my wife have actually been me being just a bit pissed off because, you know, I'm actually a woman who was trying to live life pretending to be a man. 

In short - I have spent about 30 years or so thinking that I am a sad, angry, almost sexually addicted individual, and in reality as it turns out, nope, it's just that I'm a woman.  Simple right?

Hmm...... yeah, that's a pretty life changing realization.  Now, who really knows why exactly I have done what I have done and why I was who I was, but I will tell you the whole, I'm a woman thing makes so much more sense. 

How about this flashback image - hopping into the way back machine - It was the summer of 1991.  Jules, my girlfriend at the time, and I had just completed our first year of college.  We were back home in Northern California for the summer.  The night before we had hung out with our friends and had a pretty crazy night!  We were in my room of my childhood home and it occurred to me that this woman was who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.  I got down on my knees and proposed to the most fabulous human I had ever met.  She said yes and the rest is beautiful history right?  Hmm..... not so fast there trigger!  It took a bit for us to find her a ring, but we found something she liked and I could afford.  And for the next few months I was fucking pissed!  Wait, what??  Right?!  Well yeah, my explanation at the time was, it is stupid that only women get engagement rings, men should too.  Sounds logical enough, right?  Yeah, just like that bullshit that says women's underwear is just more comfortable! Hahahahahahahaha!  Sorry to my gender diverse friends who still use that one.  How about a much easier and simpler explanation, (especially considering the vast majority of men could care less about engagement rings, except for possibly how in the hell are they supposed to afford them,) it's just that I'm actually a woman. 

Damn! 

This has become my life as of late.  Realizing where the bullshit was laid, figuring out how to pick it up, and deciphering the truth hiding underneath. 

Recently, well maybe somewhat relatively recently, I hung out with my sister in Las Vegas for a little bit.  It was the first time she and I hung out, while I was actually being me.  She said to me "you move differently, has Jules mentioned that to you?"  I asked what my sister meant and she explained that she felt I was moving in a more feminine manner.  I mentioned that estrogen has changed my musculature, but she said that it was more than that.  If you don't know my sister was super super super close to being an Olympic athlete, majored in some sort of body-science thingy, was a licensed massage therapist, studied reiki, so yeah.  I mentioned this all to my wife and she said that she has never mentioned it to me because I have always moved like that around her.  I was kind of dumb founded.  I didn't realize at all that I hid myself so well from so many people, including my sister, one of the closest people to me.  Bummer. 

So, it is for sure a fascinating process.  There have been highs and lows.  Most of the lows are simply realizations of who I have been my whole life while I was too whatever to actually see what was going on.  Vocabulary people!  Having the proper vocabulary to actually explain who the fuck you are is amaze-balls!  So a low for sure is coming to the understanding that if I had the vocabulary to explain myself at an earlier age, I would have.  When I was young I was sure there were only two types of humans with penises.  1 - regular men and 2 - gay men.  That was it.  Two types.  Period.  I did research, with pre-internet BBSs and such, I was trying to find an answer.  I knew I wasn't a regular guy, but I also knew that I didn't like guys.  Thus, I was lost.  All I did from that point forward was to misread pretty much every signal I sent out.  That is kind of a bummer to finally grasp the reality of. 

But really, those sorts of thoughts have been the only low bits.  Everything else is fabu!  It's just kind of a trip having to get it through my head, wait, damn, yeah, that makes sense, it's just that I'm a woman. 

This post has been in my drafts for at least a couple of months.  It has been a total block for me.  Why?  Because In order to expand on this (switching my hormones was life changing) I felt as though I needed to offer up some sort of undeniable, obvious, easily digestible, proof.  Now that I have laughingly attempted that in this post, what I really see is that I can answer this question in a far more direct way.  Switching my hormones was life changing because, for me, it was the first undeniable proof that I am a woman. 

So yeah, it really is just that simple.  Hmm, so I suppose there is a long and short answer.  That is actually often the way it is with me.  Lately I have begun calling myself Mrs. TMI.  I often give WAY too much information!  Ha!  Ha! Ha!  Of course if you have read my blog at all, you should really already know this.

Another reason that this post has taken me forever and that I have not blogged much is that I have been working on another pretty dang important project - I am super close to beginning to start public speaking.  Yeah I've done a small piece, but that was different, what I'm trying to get going is a one woman show.  Me, doing what I do, giving way too much information.  In reality it is a 30-90 minute presentation aimed at college students informing them of what this 1 transgender humans life has been like.  Trying to bring a bit of humanity to some labels.  Anywho, it has been dang hard for me to get something together that has a beginning, middle, and end!  But, at long last, after many months, I have something I actually like!  Woo-Hoo!!  I will keep you informed, as I am sure you waiting on pins and needles for my world tour to commence right???  Hahahahahaha!!  Damn, this girl is funny! 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love yourself damn hard!  Damn hard I tell ya!

Sometimes Being Out Is a Responsibility I Don't Want

Is it easy to be out or in the closet?  I think this is something that many of us part timers ponder.  I mean if you are facing certain transition, then the question is moot.  You're not going to transition to the other gender entirely and spend your time sitting in a closet all by yourself.  Life couldn't possibly get done that way.

For those who are just an occasional cross dresser, then again, I think the question is easily enough answered, you can stay in the closet, and who is to be any the wiser?  I mean many cross dressers simply throw on a few bits of girliness, have a few kicks while sitting in the privacy of their own home, and why should they tell anyone and everyone, that they enjoy that?  Many crossdressers will state that life is far easier without anybody knowing, even if that includes their own spouse.  Who am I to say that is wrong of them to do?  Nobody.  I am nobody to say that their choice to remain hidden is wrong.

But now me, how about me and how I choose to live my life?  I don't see myself as your average ordinary crossdresser, in fact I think of myself less and less as a crossdresser as time passses.  What do I think of myself as?  Transgender probably best, and easily, sums it up.  But, do not mistake me, I have no intentions of transition to the other gender.  I may continue slowly meandering towards more of middle path, but that is not the point of this post.

The point of this post is the reality of being transgender, and being out.  By being out, what I mean, is that I live my life, all of it, my personal life, my family life, my friend life, my work life, LIFE!!! as an openly transgender person.  I do not always state it.  I don't carry around a large blinking neon sign, proudly claiming my TRANSGENDER status.  But I do me, openly, and freely, for anyone looking, for anyone that cares to see, and to anyone who cares to ask.

Recently at work, a coworker made me pretty uncomfortable.  He has commented before about the things I choose to wear, like my painted nails, my iPad case, my choice in clothing, specifically socks and shoes.  It has all been fairly innocent and friendly.  But recently, it crossed the line.  He came into a common worker area and stated quite loudly, "hey man, you and your choice of shoes and socks, just throws me."  Or something to that effect, after which he began laughing quite loudly and walked up to another staff member, shoved him in the shoulder and said "hey man, did you get a load of this guy's socks and shoes, and mean really."  And continued to laugh and encourage the other staff member to do so as well.  The other guy sort of looked at the first guy as though he was crazy.

So..... while I choose to not be open about the profession I am in, I will say, it is a HIGHLY protected one.  One where we are mandated to have training on harassment.  And the guy who was harassing me, guess what one of his roles is?  Union representative.  Uh yeah, so that just happened.

Which of course led to me sitting in the Human Resources Director's office today discussing that I consider myself to be transgender, and relaying what this colleague did.  He informed me that it would be handled appropriately and that it should not ever happen and that if it continues to, that further disciplinary action will result.  I thanked him for his time and left.

But afterwards, I felt down about it.  I suppose I felt down because there are times when I don't want this responsibility.  What I really want is to be able to do my job and live my life without the fear of ridicule from others.  Which is exactly why I HAD to go to HR and report the situation.  I HAD to go and tell them, openly, and frankly, that I am transgender, and YES this coworker made me feel uncomfortable and it is beginning  to be closer to border on harassment.

Heavy.

I wish people could understand others better.  I knew I had to go to HR, I didn't want to.  But I HAD to.  I know that I am strong enough to do it, even though I didn't want to.  But I knew I HAD to, for all of you out there who are not strong enough.  For all of you who want to be out of the closet but are afraid because of the potential of ridicule.

But sometimes it is a responsibility that I don't want.

What is that Spider Man line?  With great power come great responsibility.  Geesh, I don't even have mediocre power let alone great power.  But still, I've got the responsibility.

As of late, I have had some TS people kind of dismissing me because I suppose I am not trans enough.  Hmmm..... trans enough yet people?

Love you!

Love and hate responsibility.

photos:
http://thebluediamondgallery.com/r/responsibility.html
https://pixabay.com/en/human-resources-hr-management-1181577/
https://pixabay.com/en/closet-dresser-furniture-wardrobe-764792/

Gender Fluid? Gender Phooey!

Frequently when I attempt to discuss my gender with others, they will say, 'oh, well you are gender fluid.'   As of late, it has been occurring so much, that when I hear it, I throw up a little in my mouth.  Okay, well that just may be a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously, I am a bit sick of people telling me that I am gender fluid.

Do you know what gender fluid means people?  Let's take a look at this definition:
Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances.
(Taken from: http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Gender_Fluid )

In response to this outpouring of "Nadine is gender fluid" folks, I created the above graphic.  My gender identity never changes, thus instead of referencing me as gender fluid, it would be far more accurate if you referenced my gender as gender static.  While my presentation fluctuates, my identity never changes.

After making this graphic, I realized that it may also help to explain my gender variance to those people in my life that have said "Oh, well you are eventually going to transition," and those who have said "Oh, so you have no gender issues, and you see yourself as a male, and really this is all just about the pretty clothes for you."

See folks, here is my biggest difficulty in discussing my gender with many people, the vast majority of the world is perfectly fine, and accepting of the idea of a gender binary.  People are either male or female.  And when trying to explain to someone how I don't feel male, they think, oh well then you are female.  And when trying to explain to someone how I don't feel female, they think, oh well then you are male.  Why?  Because their concept of gender has only two positions, you are either male or you are female.  There are no other options.

I understand this stuff coming from cisgender folk, but it has confused the hell out of me when it comes from other transgender people.  But the reality is that a large number of the transgender community is also perfectly fine with the gender binary.  For example those who transition from one gender to the other, guess what??  Yup, gender binary.

Me?  To understand me, you have to accept that there can be genders that exist outside of the gender binary.  Sometimes I feel like how Galileo must have felt talking with people, saying, the Earth rotates around the sun.  It is reality, all you need to do is accept it.

Accept it people.

Love you!

The Slippery Slope

It has often been said that what the difference is between a cross dresser and a transsexual, is about two years.  Ba-dum-ch!!!

What a fabulous joke huh?  Well not so much for the spouse of a cross dresser who is wondering where this newly discovered obsession is going to go.  This often brings up this idea that there is this slide from occasional pantie wearing that progresses to dressing up fully, and then going out in public, and eventually ending up with full blown transition.

From my estimation there are many, many problems with this theory.  Not the least of which is that often a spouse is not told of a cross dressers proclivities until later in the relationship.  So while to the spouse it appears as though this cross dressing obsession is a new thing, frequently it has been a  life long thing that has been hidden away or has been repressed.

That was my short little introduction on my thoughts on this idea of a slide to transition and I think it is important to state that before I say that I am coming to the realization that I am way more towards the transsexual side of the spectrum than I ever realized.  But I really hope that anyone out there in the blog-o-sphere that is reading this can understand that there was not ever a progression that led to me becoming transsexual.

This has really been a dawning realization that this is who I have always been.

I never really put together some things before.  Like the vast amount of envy that I have always had over the female body.  Like the fact that no matter how much I diet, or workout, or perform yoga, I have never liked my own body.  (Which is ridiculous btw - I am 5'9" and 152 lbs and can fit into size 4-6 skirts.)  How about that I was upset that I developed more male characteristics during puberty?  Or that I have never liked my friend between my legs.  This list can go on....

When I list it out, it appears much more obvious.  I would think that when reading this that maybe one might think, 'um gee isn't it obvious?'  Um... yeah.... maybe now it is obvious, but seriously along the way, I never really saw it.  It honestly is something that is just becoming a conscious thought.  But it has always been there.  It is not something that has developed.  The only thing that has changed at all, is simply my ability to put the pieces together and understand what picture the puzzle pieces created.

Does it mean that I will pursue transition?

Nope.

Because I really understand that I can handle how I currently live.

And I understand that transition would never be enough.

It would never be enough, because I don't want to be a male that transitions to living as a female.

To be a female, a born with the body of a female, female, is what I want.

Big thoughts.

Love you.

Think big.




Photo Credits:
"Slope of log-log plot" by Brews ohare - Own work. 
https://pixabay.com/en/slide-sliding-falling-stickman-151861/
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Playground_slide_close-up.jpg

So What Do These Shoes Mean?

Shoes - Saucony

Once upon a time, somewhere in my research I found that it is generally considered to be true that you are a transvestite if you refuse to wear pants and a transexual if you do.  So what does it mean about me if I choose to wear these shoes?  They certainly are not 3 to 5 inch heels.  Well actually they are not heels at all, they are sneakers.

In fact when I wore these shoes, I also wore pants, see:

Pants - Guess

Top - Guess

Tank - Mossimo

Shoes - Saucony

Sun Glasses - Ralph Lauren

So what does it mean about me?  Well actually it means that I went into San Francisco on this particular day.  Check out this great photo:

Okay, you got me, that photo was not taken in SF, but rather after I was leaving it, from the top of the Berkeley Hills.  That is the Golden Gate in the background and Alcatraz in front of it.

Here is one of me actually at Pier 39, in SF, taking a break from shopping:

I went by myself for a little sightseeing and shopping.  It is kind of odd, but for some reason I really like going to where I grew up while dressed as a girl.  Not sure what is up with that, but many of these places, like SF hold a special place in my memories.  It is almost like a calming effect.  Not that I want to be able to go back and relive my childhood moments as a girl, like I wish I grew up as a girl, because I don't.  I enjoyed growing up as a boy, I think I just kind of wish I could have mixed in more girly times as well.

Okay, enough philosophizing.  I enjoyed my trip to SF, and got some cool earrings I will show you soon.  And FYI, if you choose to go, I highly recommend wearing sneakers and not heels.

Check out this awesome ice cream creation from Fentons in Oakland, CA:

I am hoping that it will end up going to my hips, though I'm not holding my breath! And yes, I was obviously still dressed as a girl when I walked into the packed restaurant and asked for a table for 1.  It was a great lunch, oh I did eat a chicken cesar before the ice cream.

So what does it mean about me that I chose to wear sneakers?  It means I am not a dumb ass!  It means nothing about my gender!  It means sneakers are far more comfy to do lots, and lots, and lots of walking around.  And you know what?  Nobody stopped me and said OMG your a tranny in tennies!  In fact, all anybody did was smile when I smiled at them.  I took it as a good sign when two young girls walked up and sat down next to me on the bench I was sitting on in the photo above, and then another woman came and sat down as well.  Pretty normal stuff, four girls sitting on a bench.  And you know what?  All of us were wearing tennis shoes!

Ha-Ha.

Love you!

Get out more.  Live your life dressed however you want!

Camping & What Am I?

Jules and I recently went camping and while we were out relaxing I was pondering what exactly am I.  I don't really need to label myself.  I know what I am, I am me.  And me likes to wear male clothes sometimes and female clothes sometimes and sometimes I like to wear both.  I also like to dress up and look like a man and sometimes I like to dress up and look like a woman.  The vast majority of the time, I am doing something in between.

Like for example while camping.  Here I am pictured below while fishing.

Notice anything?  Yeah, my shorts are a little short for typical guy shorts.  That would be because they are not guy shorts.  They are one of my smallest pairs of female shorts.  They are a super cute pair of cut off Guess shorts.  Also, my fingernails are painted a deep sparkly blue, in a gel polish by the way.  Also, most of the time that I wore something on my feet, I wore a pair of Guess flip-flops.

I suppose this is no big deal while I am out fishing on the river, in a place that I might as well be naked, which I often times was.  But we often ran out of supplies, like ice, and had to go to the nearby town and replenish.  While there I generally wore, these short Guess shorts, my Guess flip flops, and some regular dude T-shirt.  Nobody said anything, but I can only assume that people looked at me oddly, though I have tried to give up trying to figure out if people are actually looking at me or not.  I just go about my business and get whatever I need and if people need to look at me, then that is their choice.

I don't care about what others think of me, but I am somewhat concerned with what I think of myself.  I am fine with what I choose to do and wear, but I am still somewhat concerned with what to call myself.

I generally refer to myself as a transvestite, the word I learned while growing up for what I do, a male that dresses like a girl.  I also frequently refer to myself as a cross dresser, meaning the same as the former.
I don't have a problem with these labels, but I don't like how disparaging some people are with those that self identify this way.  I especially don't like how those that identify as transgender, or the old school word of transsexual, somehow think that cross dressers are somehow not worthy of the trans prefix.  That somehow, if we don't all want to entirely change our gender we are somehow not a real "trans" person.

I have pondered this question for quite some time.  What am I?  I know that this question has concerned my wife, especially since I told her that I wanted to go out in public dressed as a woman.  This started her off on some research, most of which told her that eventually I would want to be a woman full time.  This scared the crap out of her and really frightened her from being willing to be supportive of any of my gender ponderings.

So again, what am I?

Here is my definition -
1 - I like being a man.  I enjoy being in shape, in having a muscular, well toned, sexy male body.  I enjoy having the plumbing I have and I enjoy using it.
2 - I like being a woman.  I like wearing clothes that make me appear more feminine.  I enjoy having sex in ways that may not be traditionally considered to be masculine.
3 - I like presenting as a mix of genders.  I frequently have my nails painted and wear obviously female rings as well as wearing a variety of female and male clothes together.
4 - I see myself as existing somewhere in between the extremes of male and female.

What I don't have is a word that accurately describes me.  Tell people I am a cross dresser or transvestite and people look down on me, because I am not really trans because I will remain physically a male forever.  Tell people I am transgender and people think that I will eventually become a woman.

Here is my assertion, people that want to change from one gender to another, are not really trans anything.  What are they?  They are the opposite gender from what they are born as.  Once they transition, their gender limbo is done.  They were born one way, they knew it was wrong, so they fixed their problem.  This is evidenced by the vast number of sex change people who want support from the trans community in their transition and then once they transition, they then abandon those that offered support.  They no longer want to be part of the trans community because they are not actually trans.

I think that those of us that are like what I described in the previous paragraph, you are not technically trans anything, you are either one gender or the other.  What is a trans person?  They are someone like me, someone who lives in between the gender extremes.  We are the ones that span the gap between male and female.  Our gender flux will never be solved.

Why does my wife never need to worry about me becoming a woman full time?  While I would love to experience life as a head to toe, genetic woman, for me to medically modify myself would be a waste of time, as I would still be a cross dresser.  Only then I would be dressing as a male, while my genitals identify me as a female.  Instead of strapping on breasts, I would be wearing ace bandages across my breasts to flatten them in an attempt to appear more masculine.

I am a cross dresser, I am a transvestite, I am transgender.  Stop trivializing me by saying that all I am is a man in a dress.  Stop sexualizing me by saying that I only do this to get a hard on.  Stop insisting that one day I will trade in my penis for a vagina.

I am what I am. I am me. And I like me.

Oh btw, during our camping trip, I was so impressed with Jules.  Out of the blue, she decided to capture crayfish and then cook them for us.  Wow!  What an impressive woman.  Why you ask, her willingness to explore the world before her and trust that I will come along for the ride!

Oh, for my first time ever in eating crayfish, they were pretty tasty.  I was impressed, they were just like mini lobsters.

Love ya!