It has often been said that what the difference is between a cross dresser and a transsexual, is about two years. Ba-dum-ch!!!
What a fabulous joke huh? Well not so much for the spouse of a cross dresser who is wondering where this newly discovered obsession is going to go. This often brings up this idea that there is this slide from occasional pantie wearing that progresses to dressing up fully, and then going out in public, and eventually ending up with full blown transition.
From my estimation there are many, many problems with this theory. Not the least of which is that often a spouse is not told of a cross dressers proclivities until later in the relationship. So while to the spouse it appears as though this cross dressing obsession is a new thing, frequently it has been a life long thing that has been hidden away or has been repressed.That was my short little introduction on my thoughts on this idea of a slide to transition and I think it is important to state that before I say that I am coming to the realization that I am way more towards the transsexual side of the spectrum than I ever realized. But I really hope that anyone out there in the blog-o-sphere that is reading this can understand that there was not ever a progression that led to me becoming transsexual.
This has really been a dawning realization that this is who I have always been.
I never really put together some things before. Like the vast amount of envy that I have always had over the female body. Like the fact that no matter how much I diet, or workout, or perform yoga, I have never liked my own body. (Which is ridiculous btw - I am 5'9" and 152 lbs and can fit into size 4-6 skirts.) How about that I was upset that I developed more male characteristics during puberty? Or that I have never liked my friend between my legs. This list can go on....
When I list it out, it appears much more obvious. I would think that when reading this that maybe one might think, 'um gee isn't it obvious?' Um... yeah.... maybe now it is obvious, but seriously along the way, I never really saw it. It honestly is something that is just becoming a conscious thought. But it has always been there. It is not something that has developed. The only thing that has changed at all, is simply my ability to put the pieces together and understand what picture the puzzle pieces created.Does it mean that I will pursue transition?
Nope.
Because I really understand that I can handle how I currently live.
And I understand that transition would never be enough.
It would never be enough, because I don't want to be a male that transitions to living as a female.
To be a female, a born with the body of a female, female, is what I want.
Big thoughts.
Love you.
Think big.
Photo Credits:
"Slope of log-log plot" by Brews ohare - Own work.
https://pixabay.com/en/slide-sliding-falling-stickman-151861/
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Playground_slide_close-up.jpg
Nadine, My inner geek says if that is a log/log plot then that slope is a lot steeper than it looks on the graph.
ReplyDeleteBut to be serious for a bit, I think you've nailed it. When you write it out like that I recognize myself in almost every statement. The weird mixture of female envy and attraction. The dislike of my body (especially now age has ravaged it). And the odd fact that I am even grateful puberty left me less than well endowed down there (definitely not a natural male reaction).
But while I do want to spend a lot more time exploring being Susie, I am not ready or prepared to commit to being her completely and full time, either for my sake or for those near me.
Thanks Susie. Yeah that weird attraction/envy feeling is SO bizarre! It is so difficult to explain to someone who does not feel it. Thanks for understanding!
DeleteI see what you're getting at. An observer does not see all those private things. I suppose someone who 'breaks out' and gets up some velocity might move towards transition, but that would probably be just the release of years of pent-up pressure. I reckon you are right about just changing to female 'not being enough'. I think you could lose a lot and end up rather lonely.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to cross over just for a while is rather special - and for me rather better.
Penny
Hiya Penny!
DeleteI think there is something to the years of pent-up pressure you mention. I often feel as though by doing what I do, I am allowing bits of the pressure to escape a little at a time. I could not imagine what it must feel like to never explore it in any way and then to have it pop an explode all over the place! It must get messy!
I agree with both comments.
DeletePerhaps it's like climbing hills. The sense of exhilaration that floods an individual after attaining a summit often leads to a desire to move on to the next summit and the next and the next. Aching feet, sore muscles, and the need for a loo may dissipate that desire but the longing for the next adventure, for the next milestone, and the next summit remains.
ReplyDeleteHi Kati-
DeleteI get what you are saying about climbing hills. Yet, that is exactly what I do not want readers to think that I experience. This idea of reaching one milestone and then needing to go for the next. That is just not where I am at. It is much more of an understanding that I have always been standing at the top of a mountain and yet I was totally unaware of it. Does that make any sense?
Hi Nadine! This is one of the finest posts I've read in a long time. I get it, I relate to it, and I wish I wrote it. I featured it on T-Central. If I have a moment, I'm going to send you an email.
ReplyDelete@Penny - Your "lonely" comment is perceptive and so true. I've seen this far too many times.
Calie xxx
Thanks Calie!!
DeleteThat is quite the complement considering how vast the blog-o-sphere is!
Please find the moment as I always enjoy corresponding with you!
A wonderfully written post, and once more I am touched deeply by your commitment to reflection on your personal journey. I sense that there are those who see us as grasping at something fun and carefree. While being Annie often embodies "fun", that is not the point at all (for me), and it is anything but carefree. Trying to walk this time on earth as a whole human being is my challenge, and I could not be whole until ALL of me was welcome, at least in my own estimation. There was a time when that alone was depressing, but mercifully I accept all that I am, and feel mostly relief because of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you once again for giving so much of yourself...
Annie
Thanks Annie!
DeleteWhat a beautiful statement:
"Trying to walk this time on earth as a whole human being is my challenge, and I could not be whole until ALL of me was welcome, at least in my own estimation."
Thanks so much!
You have captured the common experience so well here Nadine. My own situation is still very complicated, but can tell you that no matter what, I will never feel like a man transitioning to become a woman. A woman finally becoming as whole as I can perhaps.
ReplyDeleteThanks Halle!
DeleteMaybe the difference between us that you describe is a key one between those of us who choose to transition and those of us who don't.
Hmmm......?
Yes, it does feel like a slippery slope some days. Fighting to stand still, rather than sliding towards whatever lurks at the end. Still, it could be worse :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Lynn-
DeleteHmm..... I was trying to be clear in that I don't think that a slippery slope actually exists and there is no sliding down anything, at least for me.
Maybe for others, it is a different experience.
Right on Nadine
ReplyDeletegreat issues altogether, you just received a
ReplyDeletenew reader. What would you suggest about your post that you made some days ago?
Any sure?
Hiya, thanks for writing. Anything I would suggest now? Well, now it appears as though I am transitioning. Though to me is still does not feel like I am changing all that much. I am amused by my prior arrogance in thinking that I could handle things. Ha! Sure!
Delete