The Adjacent Possible

I have been gathering some ideas to do a write up on how to shop successfully at outlet malls while being transgender.  Though the snarky part of me keeps saying, that'll be a short article; to shop successfully you need to just do it!  There ya go!  Short, simple, sweet, and to the point!  But then, I do understand that I do have a bit of flair in shopping well.  There might just be some tips I could offer to folks that could help give them the confidence to get out there, and just do it!  So an article along those lines will be forthcoming.

In the meantime though, I have been considering that the real big issue that many people face with doing things like dressing in a gender non-conforming manner, or completely crossdressing, and getting out there in the public eye, is fear.  That is a very difficult thing to cope with well.  Fear is a many faceted component living in the reality of almost all of us.  Fear can be a good thing.  It can help to keep us safe.  But the problem is often distinguishing when our fears are keeping us safe and when our fears are limiting us.

Far too often in my own life I can look back and see how my path was altered by fear and I really wish that it hadn't.  Oh sure, there are times that I followed my fear for the better, like when I pondered jumping over the railing while visiting the Grand Canyon.  But come on, jumping over that railing would have obviously been just stupid.  

What about this past Sunday though?  I was dressed in sort of a half and half manner with female jeans and shoes, and a male fleece top on, with small forms in my bra.  I decided to go into Designer Shoe Warehouse, but the problem was that I was terrified.  Seriously.  I dress this way all of the time and I am fine with it.  Or so I think!  The reality was that before I got out of the car, I almost took my forms out about 100 times.  I kept laughing at myself.  Really, with my nails painted, carrying a purse, in female jeans and shoes, and with female jewelry on, I was freaking out about having obvious breasts??  

I was.  I really was.  I was almost panicking.  Trust me when I said, I felt fear.  True fear.  Fear of possible super negative consequences or events and situations that I might be placed into that I knew I wouldn't want to be into.  Almost like jumping over the railing of the Grand Canyon! 

I read about something this morning that I think helps explain what I do when I am faced with an almost paralyzing sense of fear.  It is called The Adjacent Possible.  In order to get out of the car, all I thought about was doing just that, getting out of the car.  Sure I knew that the ultimate plan was to go into the shoe store and spend time perusing the aisles, but for that one moment, all I thought about was getting out of the car.  Then I did it.  The next thing was to force myself to just walk across the parking lot towards the store.  Which I did.  Then it was, to just go into the store.  Which I did.  The next was to walk to the women's shoes and start looking at them.  Which I did.  Next was to find a pair of shoes I liked and to sit down and try them on.  Which I did.  

Okay, I've belabored the point.  The thing is, you can't look at the entire event, only look at what the very next thing is.  By looking at the whole project it often paralyzes us, because it is just too much.  So by only looking at the very next step, it appears to be far more possible.  Thus you have The Adjacent Possible.  And that is how I do the things I do, only I generally reference it as facing my fears.

Now this is how I heard it described in this month's Popular Mechanics issue, but if you do some research on Stuart Kaufman, you can read the creator's thoughts about The Adjacent Possible.  His ideas on how it is described is a bit different.  I still think the theory of it is true for the situations I am discussing.  Steven Johnson also has an interesting take on it as well.  I really like that little video clip by the way.

I just really thought I should mention this little tid bit about me.  Frequently people seem to think that I have no fear and that I don't hesitate when being out and about in my various forms of dress.  The thing is, I am terrified, but I do it anyway.  I honestly think that is the case for most people that get things done.  We are terrified, but do it despite that.

Get out there people!  Face your fear, one adjacent possible thing at a time.  Start small.  Do the first step, then do the next, and the next and the next..... and pretty soon, you will achieve what you once thought was not possible!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Take that step!

Find that adjacent possible!

Do it for yourself!

Do it because it will help you to love yourself and to stop being so afraid, especially of yourself!

photo credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/dogtrax/30569892711
https://www.flickr.com/photos/gforsythe/7211075526

Casual Shopping Outfit

Top - White House Black Market - Similar

Jeans - Levi:Denizens

Shoes - Saucony - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This past Monday, on MLK day, I did not have to go to work and I happened to be near my favorite outlet mall, the Livermore Outlet mall.  I think it actually called San Francisco Premium Outlets or some such thing as that.  To all of my Bay Area friends, sorry that I was unable to get in touch with you while I was up in that area, it was just a super busy working weekend for me.  But, the nice thing was, that I had Monday off!  Yay!

Thus I decided to reward myself for my hard work, and working an extra couple of days by a bit of a shopping trip.  When I go shopping I like to pick my outfit carefully.  First thing I chose was my shoes.  You seriously need sensible shoes while shopping.  Well at least I do as I walk quite a bit while shopping.  The other thing I look for in a shopping outfit is ease of removal and re-dressing.  The clothes I chose should be easy to take off and put on as I straight up refuse to buy things without trying them on.  One other thing I purposefully wore on this shopping trip was the belt.  I like this particular belt as it goes so tremendously well without almost all of my outfits.  By having it along it allowed me to try it out with several different looks to see how it would work.

 On this shopping day I visited a few of my favorite stores.  White House Black Market happening to be one of them.  At that location I experienced one of the highlights of the day.  The sales associates there almost always will ask me if I would like for them to start a dressing room for me.  To which I will respond, yes!  They then will ask for your name.  This time I told them my name was Kelly.  To which she smiled and said, thanks Kelly, without skipping a beat.  If you remember I have had problems using Nadine in these situations.  Kelly though worked out perfectly!  I was super happy with it.  I even responded appropriately when she came back to the dressing room and asked me by name if I was doing alright.  Yay!

Okie dokie!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love selective shopping!!

Thank You Sally

Do you know who I stole my blog's design from?  Well, okay, I didn't really steal it in the literal sense of stealing, but this blog is entirely based on Sally McGraw's original Already Pretty blog.  When I found out that Sally actually checked out my blog, I was slightly horrified that she would send me a cease and desist letter! Ha!  I am sure I am over dramatizing the situations, but still, this site looks very similar to the original Already Pretty site.  Even the idea of interspersing topical posts with outfit posts was taken directly from Sally.

Why such utter adoration for Already Pretty?  Well it is possibly the only blog I have read consistently since I discovered blogs.  But also, I have really enjoyed Sally's message of acceptance of oneself.  She has tried to consistently deliver a body positive message to the world.  It is a message that I really benefited from hearing.  It wasn't directed specifically towards the transgender community but it is something that I read about with interest.

Myself, and so many of us transgender folk, suffer from huge issues associated with how our body looks.  Upon reading Sally's messages I slowly began to realize how much disdain I have for my own body, but Sally also offered me a solution to my dilemma, that did not involve transition; you can use clothes to help you look more like you think that you should.  Sally impressed upon me that clothes can be a magical tool to wield in the fight against one's self image.

Yes I know, for many of us, clothes are not enough to hold back the tide of dysphoria, but within clothing I found a way to see a side of me that I have attempted to hide for the vast majority of my life.  Being able to understand that within the simple act of picking the right clothes can change my entire outlook on life has been invaluable.  I mean seriously, being able to use clothing to give me an external look that is congruent with my internal image has helped save me in ways that I could never repay Sally for.

On top of all of this that she has already done for me, she now helps to support me as a writer.  Awhile back I contacted her and praised her for an article of hers that I read at Sister House.  This email shortly resulted in her asking me to be a contributor to Already Pretty.  Me?  Wow!  I was blown away by the prospect holding such an honorific position and obviously I accepted!

I have been so thrilled to be able to write for a blog that I hold in such high regard.  Sally asked all of her contributors if they would like to continue to write for Already Pretty even though she herself will no longer be publishing new content.  Three of us decided to stay on for now and see what the future holds.  As if all of this was not above and way beyond, Sally and I have also had some recent emails back and forth regarding her assisting me in possibly writing my very own book!  Wow!

Sally is moving on from her blog, but trust me in that if you have not read her material it is well worth it to go back through and peruse it!  She is also moving on in her writing career and even you may benefit from her awesomeness!  I highly recommend you go check out her site at Sally McGraw and see what this super talented, kind, caring individual can do for you!

With all that I have, thank you for all that you have done for me and for the world Sally, you are a magnificent person and you have done great work and I am sure you will continue to do so.

images:
By Ashashyou (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By Sweet viiiooo (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Sweater Dress

Dress - Max Studio - Similar

Leggings - Mossimo - Similar

Booties - Madden Girl - Similar

Sorry for the super washed out photo!  I've had my camera for a couple of years now and I am still trying to figure out all of the little settings!  I know some of you who could probably really help me in that department!

Anywho.... this dress used to be Jules', in an unusual circumstance she was going to get rid of it and I decided to keep it.  I like it with the leggings as well, but I wish I had different leggings to go with it.  It is a super small thing that I am going to live with, but the leggings pictured are four panel pants.  That means that they have four seams running the length of the leg.  I think that is about four too many seams.  I'm not so sure how they would make leggings with no seams, but maybe I could find some with flat seams.  Hmm.....

I've also been super obsessed with these booties lately.  I have so many pairs of shoes and yet I tend to get stuck wearing the same pairs over and over again.  I suppose that it has something to do with the shoes I wear tend to be the most comfy!  Hmm..... maybe that has something to do with it!

Ohhhh..... something I almost forgot to mention.... I really like the stripes on this sweater dress.  The way they are close together towards the waist and then further apart on the hips totally help give the illusion of a skinny waist and wider hips!  So nice!  Such a lovely little clothing trick!  Yay!

Okie dokie, I hope you all are well!

Love you!

Love yourself!