A week or two ago, I published a post about how I was going to approach an upcoming trip. Due to the wonders of blogging I actually wrote that post before my travel occurred, and it did not actually get published until about ten days after I had already left. My entire trip was from about the 13th of July to the 25th, I was home for a night and then off the next day for a 6 day work training. I basically ended up being gone for about three weeks total.
Thrilling huh? Maybe not exactly, but I did want to try and provide some sort of continuity between the post of July 23rd and this one. In that post I stated:
And thus my concern about my trip back east. I really don't know what I am going to do. My two options are to go but to not bring any female clothes at all and do the whole trip totally male, or I could bring female items and dress when I can. Both options worry me and as of right now, I really don't know what would be best.
I wanted to let you all know that I thrillingly chose to not only bring my females clothes along, but actually dress as female for several of the days on our trip. It turned out great, and I will be publishing some upcoming posts regrading individual aspects of my traveling, like my first flight as Nadine!
Before I left I ended up realizing that I really need to be mindful to balance myself. Thus the picture at the top of this post is of me standing at the side of the road in Illinois and the picture directly above this is of the next day.
I think all in all I spent 5 days dressed as a woman, and 14 days dressed as a male. Also I went 6 days without my fingernails polished and 13 days with them polished. In general I think it felt fairly well balanced. And that is good. I get frightened when things don't feel well balanced.
When I loose sight of my enjoyment of being male and all I long for is being female, it is scary. One may think that the one can control this by simply presenting male and try to realize that I enjoy it. Oh if only it were so easy. Sounds simple. Dress male, be happy. The only problem is that while doing that, I frequently long for the ability to do it while dressed as a woman. That makes me think, maybe I should take the plunge. Maybe I should consider living full time as a woman. And that scares me, because I know it is not true. I don't want that. I know I don't want that. But I only know I don't want to do it full time when I get to do for an extended period of time.
I didn't get to dress for days on end, as long as I so wished. But I did allow myself to continue to do me. And me is not full time one or the other.
Balance.
It's important for me.
I think it is important for all of us.
Love yourself.
I understand. Being male too long leads to the need to be female (and sometimes in an out-of-character way) and being female for a longer period brings on a sense of desperately needing to return to male. While it can be interesting at time, it is not something I would wish on anyone.
ReplyDeleteThanks Leann. I totally agree with not wishing this on anyone.
DeleteThank you yet again for articulating what I believe many, many of us deal with. There seem to be no pat answers, and I applaud your openness in letting us all be part of your journey...
ReplyDeleteYou are quite welcome. Thank you!
DeleteI think it's a case of "the grass is greener." When you can't or don't dress for a time, dressing seems more and more like a great thing. Then when you do dress, there is a lot of hassle. I like visiting the female me on occasion.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with the "the grass is greener" thinking. Dressing is a lot of hassle. But even if I made it easier, like removing my beard, or even by going on HRT and being willing to forgo makeup and such, I still wouldn't want to be full time.
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