Happy Halloween

It has been about 30 years since I have dressed as a woman on Halloween, but today I decided to go for it once again.  The first time was back when Jules and I were in high school and having just been dating for a few years.  We decided to throw a party and go as each other.  I enjoyed my evening but never dressed as a woman again for about another twenty years!

Wow, I wish I would have been brave enough back then to admit that I wanted to do it more.  And not just for Halloween.  Ahh well!!

Anywho.... today I decided that I was not simply going to dress as a woman for Halloween, but rather as a female vampire.  Jules and I were contemplating going to a local LGBTQ center for a costume party, but in the end we simply stayed home and watched Stephen King movies.

I was only marginally happy with my resulting outfit.  I thought I had a dress which in the end, I must have already donated to a thrift store, darn!  But why keep a dress only for one holliday.  There are a few things I do like about the costume, such as the teeth.  They are a new item that I got from Dental Distortions.  The earrings and necklace are borrowed from Jules, at her suggestion and I think they worked out nicely as well.

I hope that you all had a wonderful night doing something that made you happy!

Love you!

Bite something!

Comfort!

Undershirt - Next Level

Jeans - Levi - Denizen

Shoes - Converse - Similar

Since I am on a comfort kick lately I thought I would share with you a picture of what I am wearing at this very moment and this is, to me, ultimate comfort! I know, I know, it is a totally horribly crappy photo.  But I decided to take it while I actually am at work, and the only viable location to do so was in a restroom with the only full length mirror available.

Why is this outfit so comfy?  Well, except for my work uniform polo, everything else is female clothing.  It is not blatantly so, but I know it, and that is enough.  And these jeans are so super comfy.  They are possibly the comfiest pair of jeans that I own.  They are a little tight in the thighs, but since they are made of stretchy fabric they are still super comfy.  As well, they are female jeans, but not overly fem.  When I asked Jules what she thought about me wearing them to work, she said "well they are a bit tighter than your normal jeans, but the only way I can tell they are female jeans is that I can actually see your butt."

Which I thought was pretty darn funny!  Considering that my work polo is so long, it covers much of my butt anyway, so who would really know!  And besides, who really cares!  Not me!

And this is actually the second time this week I have worn such an outfit to my job.  And do you know what happened?  Nothing!  Nothing happened, except for that I wore comfortable clothing, and I felt comfortable in my presentation.  Yay!  Good for me!

Now all I need are gender neutral pronouns that everyone else understands then I could be referenced that way and I wouldn't feel weird with folks referring to me as he or she and all would be right with the world for me!

Thanks to everyone for the wonderfully supportive comments and thoughts to my previous post.  It really is not that disruptive to my life, I just want folks to understand that my life is not this peachy, easy, lucky, simple little life where everything is awesome!  So thanks everyone!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Comfort?

What does it mean to be comfortable?  I get it when you are talking about things like shoes, or clothes, or temperatures and the like, but when it comes to my gender it becomes much more difficult for me to put into words well.  I write little bits and blurbs and then quickly erase them as they don't seem to capture the essence of what I am feeling.

I have tried talking with cisgender folks about it and they really struggle to understand where I am coming from, but I have also written here many times how I feel about my gender, and the inner confusion and discomfort that I feel and occasionally I still get folks that don't quite understand what it is that I mean.

I suppose that this stems from my observations of others, and my assumptions about how they feel.  Maybe that is a mistake I am making.  Maybe nobody is comfortable with who they are.  Maybe everyone else on the planet questions their gender and considers transition.

Maybe, but I highly doubt it.

I read many other blogs and most of them are not transgender related and none of them ever have any discussions of questioning their gender.  As well, most of the transgender blogs, and chat boards that I frequent most others state that they feel so right when they dress as the opposite gender, that they finally feel "whole."

And for me, I don't.  I don't feel as though all is right with the world and with myself and that I am finally able to relax and just be me.  I wish that I did.  I wish that when I dressed as a woman that I finally felt right.  That I finally felt at peace with myself, that my outsides finally match with my insides.  But I don't.

I have mentioned before that I don't feel comfortable presenting as either gender.  And people have responded by saying that I have a comfortable life, or that I smile very nicely, or that I appear very confident, or that I have an accepting spouse, or that I get out and about all of the time.  Well, yeah all of those things are true, but none of those things mean that I have arrived at some sort of comfort level with my gender.

Like I finally understand, oh I get it, I am a male, or that I dress as a woman and finally feel whole and realize, "oh holy crap, I NEED to transition."  I kind of wish that I could come to that conclusion.  Because then maybe that stupid squirrel would stop running around in my head.

What would it mean to me to be comfortable?  That I would not question on a daily basis whether or not I should just quit doing anything outside of the norm for my gender or if I should just transition and live life as a female.  Pretty much every day of my life I go back and forth, I should just be 100% male or I should try and be as female as possible.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Back and forth.

Every single fucking day!

So how is that comfort?

Even if I live in a nice house?

Even if I smile pretty?

Even if I confidently get out and about?

It is not comfortable mulling this over and over.

Now don't get me wrong.  There are plenty of things I am quite happy about with my life.  I am thrilled that I have been able to achieve some sort of balance in my life.  I am thrilled that I have such an awesomely accepting spouse.  I am confident in my presentation, regardless of how I am dressed.  I have a fine job that gives me lots of freedom in my gender expression.  I have lots and lots and lots and lots.

It is still just this unending unanswerable questioning that runs around in my head that I really wish I could just figure out how to get it to shut up.

Sometimes I feel as though all I am capable of doing is placing a pacifier into its mouth for a little bit before having it spit it out and start crying again.

Sometimes I get tired of being outside my comfort zone.

Sometimes I get tired of learning.

Sometimes I get tired of growing.

Especially when sometimes it feels as though I am growing nowhere.

Love you!

Fight to love yourself!

Even if it is tiring.



Photos:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/pictoquotes/9255435366
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/14591830606
https://www.flickr.com/photos/oklanica/7717136134
https://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/11131394184

Super Shoes

Sweater - 69th & Madison - Similar

Tank - WHBM - Similar

Skirt - H&M - Similar (as shorts)

Shoes - Naturalizer: Believe

I built this outfit mainly around these shoes; which are totally awesome by the way!  While Jules and I and were driving to DSW she asked what I was looking for.  My answer was a pair of black heels that I could actually wear for the day, walk around in comfortably, and not get any blisters, or sore feet.  Thus in we walked into the store with a goal in mind.  Jules was totally awesome.  She pointed out a pair of heels, which happens to be the ones I am wearing, and while I began trying them on, she brought me pair after pair of various heels to try on.


It was quite the event, with boxes and boxes of different discarded heels piling up around me as I tried on pair after pair.  I began to feel a bit guilty.  I was opening lots of boxes, taking out perfectly packaged, never opened, never spoiled, wondrously beautiful pristine heels, and putting them aside after quickly determining that if they hurt while trying them on, then they would certainly be quite painful trying to survive all day in them.  I tried as best as I could to replace them all in their perfect little packages, but I know it was not as good as they were done originally.  But I put them back as best as I could, and stacked the boxes around me as neatly as possible for the sales associates to replace them on the shelves.

Eventually, after trying on about 20-30 pairs of gorgeous heels, I chose the very first pair I tried on, the ones pictured in these photos, and a second really cute pair of simple black suede heels.  I was super thrilled, and especially so as Jules also found a cool reversible belt for me marked down on clearance!  Awesome shopping trip!

And, the end result?  Heels that I can wear all day long!  Okay, well I maybe have not worn them all day long.  But I did wear them on a shopping trip when we went to Sephora, Costco, and out for lunch.  Thus there was a significant amount of walking and hanging out in them for the day.  In total, it was at least 8-10 hours in the shoes.  And my feet?  They felt totally fine! Not a hot spot, not a blister, not a single sore toe in the bunch!

Love those shoes!  Yay!

Buy happy shoes!

Have happy toes!

Love you!

You Look Much Cuter in Your Other Picture (Actually Finished this Time!)

Goodness, did she just say what I think she said?  I pondered that question as I walked away from the Shisheido counter in Macy's.  It had been a strange dichotomy of people's opinions and I just wasn't that sure I had heard her correctly.

Earlier, Jules and I had walked up to the Clinique counter to get some new eye makeup remover.  It was gift time at Clinique and thus of course there was quite a line backed up.  I told Jules that I was going to try and find Shiseido as I needed some new blotting papers and theirs are the best!  Slowly I wandered around the makeup area unable to locate their counter.  Eventually some nice sales associates, from Lancome, asked me if I needed help.  They pointed me in the direction of the Shiseido counter and one of them complemented me on my hair, which I thanked her for and then the other complimented me on my tunic, which I thanked her for as well.

Off to the Shiseido counter and eventually actually locating it.  Once there I was greeted by a younger sales associate who asked what I needed and I showed her my dwindling packet of blotting papers.  This nice lady, who was selling a different brand informed the actual Shiseido associate if she would help me.  This lady quickly located the item I needed and then informed me that it was gift time and asked if I needed anything else.

I don't normally purchase other items from Shiseido and thus didn't know what they might be able to offer.  After a bit of explaining I got a cleanser from them as well.  Everything was going quite smoothly; nothing occurring out of the ordinary.  I took out my wallet, handed her my credit card, and my ID, which as you may know obviously shows my male photo.

I don't often think about it much anymore while making purchases.  I have done this SO many times now it is kind of ridiculous.  The sales associate rings me up, I sign my name, she packages everything up, hands me my bag and then comes in real close to me, so that only I can hear her.  And she then kind of whispers to me, "Well obviously you look fine in real life, but you look much cuter in your other picture. I just thought that you should know that."

Being as I wasn't 100% sure what she said to me, as I had not really processed her comments at that point, I thanked her and walked away to find Jules and leave.  And within a few steps I was almost pissed off enough to go back to the counter and tell her that she should keep her shitty, ignorant, opinions to herself.

I mean fine, she is entitled to her opinion.  And she expressed it in a polite enough manner.  And to someone like me, someone who switches back and forth between their gender presentations of male and female, fine so she thinks I look better as a male.  But I began thinking about all the rest of us out there and especially those of us who are choosing to transition.  How would someone in that position receive that comment.  Umm.... not good!  That would have been a really quite shitty comment for her to have said.

And it made me realize how hard it must be for those who do transition to have to live with their male ID while awaiting all of the hoops one must jump through before being able to obtain an ID that matches their identity.  And for them, and those folks, I wanted to go back to the counter and start a ruckus with that ignorant woman.

But I was tired, and Macy's was crowded, and thus I simply left.  I still feel bad.  I still feel as though I dropped the ball.  I missed an opportunity to provide a much needed education to someone who should know better.  It is exactly those types of comments, from people with best of intentions, that can sting so much.

Now, what is my responsibility if I am feeling so irritated by her?  Contact Macy's and Shisheido and inform them that they need to better educate their employees so that hopefully this woman never insults others in this manner.

Okay.  Rant over.  Thanks for listening.

I will still visit Macy's.

I will still purchase Shiseido items.

I will just keep my wits about me and inform ignorance of their ignorance on the spot.

I am strong enough to stand up for myself and help educate the uniformed.

Watch out.

Love yourself people.

Ahhh!!!!!! Freaking Blogger!!!!

So sorry everyone!  Apparently this morning, while working on a draft, I hit PUBLISH instead of SAVE.  I could have sworn I did not hit PUBLISH.  Oh well, I suppose if you read the prior entry from this morning then you got a preview of what is to come.

Sorry!

Anorexic? Nah, Just Gender Dysphoria!

For many, many years Jules told me that she was worried because I appeared to be anorexic to her.  Why?  Well because no matter how much weight I have lost I have never been satisfied and have always told her that maybe I would be happier if I lost a bit more.  This has worried her and minding her concerns I have always tempered my weight loss desires.

But it has always made me ponder, what exactly is wrong with me?  Why am I never really happy with my body?  When I was 30 years old and I finally weighed myself with a scale at a local pool, and discovered that I was about 40-50 pounds over the weight I had been in college, I thought I understood why I wasn't happy with my body.

I began exercising and dieting and eventually I lost the weight.  But when I actually reached my goal weight and I was still not happy with my body, I honestly became more than a bit worried.  What if Jules was right?  What if I truly was anorexic?  What would that mean to me going forward with my life?  Would I end up being one of those folks I have read about who starve themselves and slowly wither away to the intense detriment of themselves, seemingly unable to do anything about it?

Scary!

Seriously.  As the years rolled by and my feelings about my body never seemed to change, no matter how much I dieted, no matter how many sit-ups I did, no matter how much I swam, the one constant remained.  Whenever Jules stated how hot and sexy my body was, I would always tell her that she was wrong and my body was anything but hot and sexy.

For ten years or so I maintained my weight at about 150lbs.  I am 5'9".  In male clothes, I wear a size 30 waist pant.  In female clothes, I can fit in skirts that range from a size 4 - 6.  And yet, I have never been satisfied.  I have never felt good about my body.  I have never thought the way Jules has about me.

And then, just quite recently, I finally began to understand what is wrong with me.  I don't want a male body.  It is as simple as that.  I don't like the looks of my body, because I keep expecting to be able to look into the mirror and see the body of a woman.

Sigh!!

Well I suppose that at least now I know it is not anorexia.

Good for me!

At least Jules can admire my body!

Good that someone can admire my hard work!

I do appreciate it, I just wish I actually liked it.

Love yourself!

Even though it is hard.

Even if it is something that you have to force yourself to learn to do.

I am trying!

I hope you are!


Photos:
https://pixabay.com/en/weight-loss-slimming-diet-health-494284/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/o5com/4926092996
https://www.flickr.com/photos/tipstimesadmin/11375964424
https://pixabay.com/en/gym-weight-lifting-muscle-exercise-307770/

Jules and I go to Dinner

Sweater - 89th & Madison - Similar

Dress - Calvin Klein - Similar

Wedges - Taryn - Similar

While we were in Monterey for my birthday Jules wanted to plan a special birthday dinner for me at a nice restaurant.  Generally we don't go out to many super nice restaurants as it is often not worth the cost that is associated with such locations.  (Well except for Peter Luger's in NY.)  But being as it was my birthday Jules wanted to make it an extra special night and took me to Chart House down on Cannery Row.  Well this place was certainly worth it to us that evening.  Jules had the abalone and I had the sea bass.  Both dinners were super yummy.  We finished off the evening by sharing a chocolate lava cake.  Ahh..... decadence anyone??

Aren't we just the cutest couple?  Okay, I have some bias in this situation don't cha think?

One of the reasons I love going out to Monterey is that with it being on the coast, the weather is so much cooler.  Thus I was thrilled that I got to wear my favorite coat!  Yay!

Here I am comparing myself to the wingspan of a California Condor.  Could you just imagine what it must be like to see one of these giant birds flying?  I so keep looking for them, but even while living in Central California, I never have!  Sucks.  Oh this is at the Pacific Grove Museum of Natural History, which we visited before leaving on Sunday.  It is a cute tiny little museum.  Kind of expensive at $9 per person if you are not a local resident.  But it interesting nonetheless.

Visit more museums!

Wear it Better - Tank Top

Tank - Charlotte Russe - Similar

White/black/blue sweater - Michael Kors - Similar

Black Sweater - 89th & Madison - Similar

Belts - ???? - Similar

White Skirt - Iris Los Angeles - Similar

Black Skirt - H & M - Similar

Nude Wedges - Taryn - Similar

Black Pumps - Guess - Similar

This tank top is one of my all time favorite clothing items.  I got it a few years back while Jules and I were going to get some ramen noodles in Torrance, CA.  We pulled up to the small little shack with the Japanese food and ended up parking right in front of a second hand store.  After our lunch we were window shopping and the proprietor of the second hand store coaxed us into her shop.  It was  small place, but it had some really nice articles.  I SO wish I could remember what it was called and thus could give her a shout out, but alas my memory fails me yet again and all I remember was that it was in Torrance.

Anywho.... I picked out this tank, tried it on, and showed Jules.  She didn't think it would really work for me but I had a different opinion and obviously purchased it.  I think it goes wonderfully with many of my other items and besides it is my favorite, black and white!  Yay!  Love it!

Okay, to the outfits.  I personally like both of these outfits, but I think the tank works far better with the black skirt than the white one.  I think that having most of the outfit being black and only the tank being something different really makes it stand out much more.  With the white skirt, it could look good, but I think I would need to pair it with a different sweater.  The ombre sweater, which I adore, just detracts from the overall look of the tank and makes that outfit just look too busy.

But maybe my opinion is just a bit biased as the outfit in black has given me one of my favorite head shots:

Which is what I gave to Sally to post with my bio over at Already Pretty.  So maybe because I like that photo so much, I am inclined to pick that outfit as looking better.

Maybe you have a different opinion? Do you like one outfit more than the other?  Do you not like either outfit?  Maybe you hate the tank top entirely.  So remember, it is not about the overall outfit, just about how I wore this particular tank top.

Okay, let me know your thoughts!  I'd love to hear them!

Thanks!

Love you!

Outside the Binary

 It is so strange existing outside of the gender binary and yet it is the only thing I have ever known.  I frequently wonder what life must be like for those that exist within that system.  Well, I can only assume that life itself is probably essentially the same exact life that I live, only I don't think that most people wonder if they are actually male or female.

Most of my life I present as a male, and I have the obvious physical body of a male but I frequently do many things that most other males give me that strange questioning look for.  And I often feel as though I am deceiving people by presenting as a male.  That somehow because of my likes and dislikes I have disqualified myself from male-hood.  

Which makes me think that maybe I should live my life as a woman.  I already go out frequently dressed as a woman.  Heck I got to spend the last three days as a woman.  Even when I was on my morning walk, fully dressed as a woman except for wearing a beanie instead of my wig, people I encountered treated me as though I was in fact a woman.  Which was quite cool actually.

But the problem was that I was still not all that comfortable.  I have read many a post from other cross dressers who state that when they dress as a man they feel as though they are not presenting as their true selves.  And then how when they dress as a woman, it is so freeing and wonderful and awesome that they can finally present as they really are.

And me?  I never really feel very comfortable at all.  I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a male and I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a female.  Where exactly is my comfort level?  Somewhere in the middle.  That is really where I do feel the most comfortable.  Presenting as a mix of gender, which is how I truly see myself, is what I am most comfortable with.

But that is so hard for others to understand.  Wanting to be male, yeah, I get'cha, wanting to be female, yeah, I get'cha.  Wanting to be a mix between the two, yeah, I have no idea what you mean.  I really wonder if those that exist within the binary really understand how gendered our society is.  I notice it everyday.  Every time I listen to music.  Every time I watch TV.  And just about every time I speak with anyone for any real length of time.  Our society is not just centered around a binary gender, the world is.

Too bad that some of us don't fit into the expectations.

Love yourself.

Regardless of your gender.

Out at the Aquarium

Top - Max Studio - Similar

Tank - Guess

Jeans - Guess - Similar

Shoes - Saucony - Similar

Necklace - Sterling Essentials

Socks - MeMoi 

Tomorrow is my birthday and Jules has taken me to one of my favorite places, The Monterey Bay Aquarium.  It is a bit chilly here today and thus I wanted to be warm as well as ready for some walking and standing.  This top is one of my all time favorite pieces.  It is so versatile.  It is rather light weight, but with a nice tank underneath it is quite warm.  And I love the asymmetrical cut with the ruching on the side.  It is just long enough to provide for some good front coverage without making me look blocky!

And of course I love my Guess jeans and Saucony hot pink shoes!  They are both so super comfy.  I also paired them with a pair of new socks that I just purchased last night down on Cannery Row.  They are a pair of some of the best socks I have ever worn!  Seriously, they are that cool.  They are made of bamboo and best of all, they have no seems! Or are at least flat seemed.  They are the MeMoi Trouser sock.  I am so serious about them being super comfy.  I have been on a bit of a sock hunt lately and these things rock!

Jules and I fully enjoyed our day at the aquarium.  We so love looking at all the awesome fish and sea life.  We especially love checking out the jellyfish; which I am sure that I will share some photoes with you all at some point.

One of my all time favorite animals are penguins, so of course Jules had to snap a shot of us together.  So cute!

Tonight we are off to the Chart House for dinner, which apparently is supposed to be pretty yummy!  Lets hope so for the prices!