No seriously, I really think that it did. I know, I have discussed a variety of different theories before as to why I am a cross dresser, but really more as of a joke than anything else. Why do I have gender variances? I believe sincerely that I was born this way.
I do not think that anything that I have experienced in this world has made me into someone who has gender variances. I do not have a fully developed rational for explaining how or why I was born the way that I was, but nonetheless when I came out of the womb, the die was cast and why I enjoy what I enjoy was set.
Now, don't get me wrong.... while I do think that we are born this way, if one were to choose to fight against their natural inclinations then I think that we as humans are strong enough to allow our free will to determine our existence. Meaning, even though I think I was born this way, not even that forces me to be this way. I choose to be this way and I choose to follow my natural inclinations as I do not think there is anything wrong with having been born this way.Okay... wow.... what an intro.... just to be able to discuss why I think I am a cross dresser. Too many things need to be prefaced nowadays so that folk don't just automatically jump all over you and cry FOUL! Whatevs!
Back onto the hair theory...... I am a cross dresser because I cut off my hair. Many other cross dressers have been so for as long as they can remember. Many have memories of dressing up in their mom's or sister's clothes when they were super young, but me? I don't have those memories. The earliest memory that I have of consciously choosing to wear the other gender's clothing was when I was about 13 or 14 and I took my sister's Guess jean jacket and wore it to middle school. That was the earliest and even then, it took another 8-10 years for me to actively begin wearing female clothes.
Oh sure, I have always had the gender variances. I have always been gender non-conforming. I loved shaving my body. I loved wearing nail polish. I loved female jewelry. Lots of little things like that have been evidenced throughout my entire life, just not the clothing.Until around the time that I cut off my hair. Some time around my first or second year of high school I decided to start growing my hair out. Thus around my third year of high school I had glorious long blond hair, that I loved! I really did. I absolutely loved it! I also loved how folks would often be confused as to what gender I was, when they viewed me from behind.
And so it went. For many, many years, I had lovely, super awesome, glorious long blond hair! And it was with great sadness that during the second half of my college time I noticed that my hairline was slowly receding. Back and back it crawled. Ever so slowly, ever so insistently, it went back and back, making it clearly evident that I was heading down the path to baldness.
It got to the point that a year after I graduated I realized that I was fighting a loosing battle and my once glorious hair was now looking like I was holding onto some long lost dream. What was once my crowning glory had now become a sad state of affairs.
With great reluctance and sadness I cut my hair to a reasonable length. It stayed that way for a year or two before I finally understood that the only way to have my hair look nice again was to shave it off entirely. Well, okay, not shave, but clip it off entirely. And while I cannot pinpoint the exact time of me choosing to begin wearing women's clothing, it was sometime around this same time period. Coincidental? Possibly. But the more I think about it the more I realize that I grew my hair out as an expression of my gender and when I cut it off, I lost that very visible, very public expression, and it saddened me greatly.
So.... my theory..... having long hair, which made me appear more feminine.... helped to satiate the desire to appear more feminine in public.... and once that was gone.... I needed a replacement.
So..... um..... yeah..... cutting off my hair made me a cross dresser!
Funny huh?
photos:
https://pixabay.com/en/hair-blond-long-hair-wind-close-958257/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/kelspigpen/5364559113
https://www.flickr.com/photos/postmemes/19678722398
https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovemaegan/6889668384
Sometimes it takes an extreme example to force us to accept something that has been simmering away. Late last winter I went to my hairstylist with a pretty good head of hair developing with the full intention of telling her I am trans and wanted her to help me prepare for transition. Instead, because there were too many ears hovering close-by, I caved and ended up with a 'man-cut'. As I walked out feeling devastated by what I had done, or failed to do, I was changed. From then on I was not going to care what others thought. On my next visit I brought her into my confidence and she has been an ally ever since in my road to womanhood.
ReplyDeleteOh, and what exactly do you mean by satiate? Is that really possible?? :)
If that is a photo of a younger you with that cascade of golden hair, you were enviably cute.
ReplyDeleteI had hair down to the middle of my back in my twenties. Last month I gave up the vain (in all senses of that work) struggle to maintain any sort of control over what remained and had it all cut back shorter than it's been since I was probably eight years old. And I realize now that while losing my hair didn't make me a cross dresser (I've known that I wanted to have been born a girl since I was around ten), it definitely provoked a sort of crisis as I went into my 50s when I realized I could no longer get away with it without a wig. In retrospect, that seems to be the point where there was now a sharp divide between my male side and female side and no longer any possibility of fluidity between the two. Before, I could wear androgynous or gender neutral clothes, style my hair and use a bit of makeup and feel feminine (or non masculine) enough to feel comfortable. After that point, dressing became an all or nothing activity. (Unfortunately precisely at the point where opportunities to dress started to become few and far between.)
A really interesting post. I know I'd always been vain about my hair - it was the one thing about me I really liked. What I hadn't realized was just how much of my identity and feelings about gender were tied up in that.
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