My Outfit - Light Makeup

Jacket - Max Studio - Similar

Sweater - White House Black Market - Similar

Jeans - Levi 529 Curvy Bootcut

Shoes - Asics - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Okay so this outfit is a bit different for me in a couple of ways.  First off, can we talk about the jeans?  They are not my usual go-to type of jeans, don't they look a bit baggy for me?  Well I think they do!  They happen to be from my current selection of day to day work jeans.  Yes they are female jeans, they are just not super tight like most of my female jeans.  It is funny as while presenting as a guy, they seem tighter than most male jeans, but while presenting as a female, they seem a bit looser than most female jeans.  I like them!  They go right between the genders!  Ha!

The other reason why this outfit is a bit different for me is that I don't have any foundation on my face.  It has been almost 6 months since I started taking estrogen and it has made my skin be much more sensitive, especially the skin on my face.  Now when I shave super close my skin often is so sore that I don't want to put anything on it at all. 

At one point in my life I had to make sure that everything about my presentation was as perfect as I could make it be.  My outfit had to be right, my hair had to be right, my makeup had to be right, my frickin' fingernails had to be painted, and not chipped!  I suppose that I had this idea that if everything about my look wasn't right, then that would be the thing that would make people torch and pitchfork me!  Ha! 

Okay, I may laugh about it, but seriously, this is something that I am still dealing with.  I have become far more annoyed with foundation, and with my hair!  These are both things that lately I have not always been wearing and still going out in public.  I am chipping away at my insecurities, but it is still hard.  No I have not been torched or pitchforked with my mixing up my look.  If anything, all I have been has been more comfy!

Did you notice the tennis shoes in this photo?

I just hope that I keep my style the further down this estrogen path that I go!

I like my style!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love your own style!

What A Strange/Awesome New World

While on the way to work today I was pondering who is left in my circle of people that I have not had the official talk with.  For quite some time now I have been making the assumption that everybody in my life knows that I am transgender.  But I have not had the official talk with every single person.  There were just a few people hanging around that I did not think it to be important to have the talk with.  Some of my closer coworkers were in that group.  But last week's reveal was probably the last of those stragglers.

Oh, wait, I never told the blog-o-sphere who I came out to did I?  Sometimes I get so confused about which part of the net knows what about me.  I mentioned this on Facebook, thus my confusion.  Anywho.... there are three "jock" type males that I work closely with.  I never thought it to be important to come out to these people.  I dress the mixed gender way that I do, and they accept me as I appear, so why even go there?  I chose not to, until last week.  I figured it was about time to have the official talk with them.  I told them about me, and estrogen, and what to possibly expect from me in the future.  No torching or pitchforking occurred, just a simple "male" acceptance.  Meaning - they have yet to shun me, which is a good step for them!

Okay, so while driving to work this morning I was pondering who is left to even tell?  It was the weirdest thing, awesome weird, but weird still, I could not come up with anybody important that I have not had the official talk with.  Oh - should I clarify?  The official talk?  That is when I will sit down with someone, preferably in person, and use the official word transgender, and most recently include that I am currently going to therapy and taking estrogen.  The big E.  Yup, that is me.

And thus it was, I was driving to work and I could not come up with anybody important who I have not had this talk with.  Sure, there are people in my life who I have not had the talk with.  There are lots of them.  But these are not friends.  They are not people who matter to my life.  They are people like, some of my neighbors, who I see once or twice every few months, that I smile and wave to, as I drive by, sometimes in a wig and makeup, and sometimes scruffy and dirty towing my trailer off to the dump.

There are the countless number of people I encounter on a occasional basis.  The guy at the store in my tiny country town.  The lady who knows I like the fried chicken at the convenience store down the road.  The brother of the friend I have dinner with once or twice a year.  My clients at work.  All of these random people, who come and go in my life, but bare no real significance upon it.

Oh - it did finally occur to me, there is my wife's dad and his wife.  They don't know.  And I have no intentions of telling them.  Truth be told, there is zero reason to have that conversation with them.  Oh, and now that I am typing it, her father's wife's kid.  He doesn't know.  Well, again he is in that group that if he doesn't know, he is a moron.  But I have not had the talk with them.  I really don't see the need to though.  Honestly, my wife's dad and his wife will be damn lucky to live another year.  They theoretically could, but I doubt it.  They are in really bad shape.  And once they go, I doubt we will ever see the wife's kid again.  Hmm... maybe, but I doubt it.

So um yeah, I think that everybody whose anybody in my life knows.  And that is a whole new world to me.  Today is my wife's birthday.  I was going to write something on her Facebook wall, like Happy Birthday to my awesome wifey!  But it occurred to me, that I would be totally outing myself if I did so.  I mean, her name on FB is her actual name.  Mine is not.  When I mentioned it to my wife, her response was, 'who is on my Facebook that doesn't already know?' 

She has a damn good point.  Who indeed?  And it would appear as though there really isn't anybody.  So strange.  I'm a gunna' have to ponder this one for awhile!  Maybe there are some that I am forgetting.  But wow, geez, that is SO different from how I have lived most of my life.  As with most transgender people, I have spent pretty much all of my life with people not knowing who I really am and what I really like. 

Funny. 

It occurs to me, what to do with this new found freedom? 

The only logical answer - live and be free to be the me I've always wanted to be.

Insert Mel Gibson here, covered in paint, raising his hand, and yelling out 'freedom!'

Ha!

Love you!

Love yourself enough to be free!

Play The Hand You Have Been Dealt?

It's a fascinating thing, sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.  I once had a boss tell me that I had the most accurate self reflections of anyone he had ever met.  That really pleased me.  For if there is one thing that I have constantly striven to do, it has been to have an accurate picture of who I am.  Thinking of that line now, I have to laugh.  For if I was actually accurate in my self reflections, wouldn't I have seen the writing on the wall long ago, and started taking hormones way, way, way, back?  

Possibly.  Who knows?  Who knows why we arrive at the locations we find ourselves?  Maybe I'm only on hormones now because of the path that life has led me on up to this point?  I mean, isn't that an obvious thing?  If life had not led me here, then I wouldn't be here?  Oh gawd!!  What is up with me this morning?  Ahh!!!!

Ponderables.  That is what is up with me this morning.  As of late, I find myself reacting differently than I have ever reacted in the past, and it is down right odd!  A lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!  I mean I have seriously worked hard to see myself, to see who I am, to see how I interact with the world around me, and I really thought I had a pretty good bead on things.  I was pretty sure that I knew how I would react in various situations, so it is odd to no longer feel the ways I have felt for so many years. 

The main thing I am pondering this morning is the vast amount of anger that I have carried around with me since at least puberty.  The longer that I go taking hormones, the more I am leaning towards, some part of me knew that I was not supposed to get testosterone, and when I did, it began messing with me in very serious ways.  

It's a tough thought for me though. (side bar - I love the English language an it's weirdness! Tough, thought, though!  Ha-Ha-Ha - those words are so weird strung together!! Okay - on with the show!)  I really thought that the reason I was angry was that I grew up in a really negative household with lots of stress, strife, and oodles of anxiety.  Yes, I know I really did not have it bad off compared with many others who struggle for basic life necessities, but still, growing up in a household where there is nothing but anger and yelling, and fighting, pretty close to every day of one's life, can really mess with a human!

There were also a million other little things going on in my house.  My sister being repeatedly sexually abused, me having been sexually abused, my mother having a brain tumor, and eventually a brain aneurysm, my father being the typical type of male who loved people so much but was so terribly insecure about it all that he had to throw his hatred out vast and wide to push people away first, and some of his favorite one-liners having come from his time in the marine corp, like - I will not be treated like a PFC in my own home! If you don't know - a PFC is a private first class.  Apparently a nobody in the military!  

So, um yeah, having come out of those family dynamics with half a brain, and still able to function in society fairly decently, it didn't really surprise me much that I was terribly angry.  I mean it is a completely logical thing to assume would happen, isn't it?  Though it did always feel weird.  It never really felt like it was me.  I always kind of felt as though I was so close to someone that had a constant nasty dust cloud surrounding them, that I too became covered in dust.  All that I really needed to do was to figure out how to remove all of the dust!  Easy, right?

Well apparently not so much.  For I remember the first pangs of super anger back when puberty was first hitting.  And I have lived with those feelings ever since.  Oh sure, I have been able to wrangle more control of the situation, most of the time.  But really, any control I could muster came at great personal efforts, and it was a tenuous control at best.  Truth be told, I often felt like a powder keg with a lit fuse, and all I was ever able to do was to extend the fuse.  I was never able to extinguish it.  

And that is what I feel as though I have been searching for - how can I shake off that dust, how can I extinguish that fuse, how can I have been raised in that house, under that regime, and not be an angry bitter asshole?  I have searched and searched and tried numerous things, but the older that I became, the more resigned to my fate I became as well.  Which is terribly unfortunate.  I had always kind of assumed that the further I made it into my own life, and away from my father, that the calmer I would get, until one day, I would no longer be saddled with this terrible burden.  It sounded like a good theory, but the problem was it just never seemed to actually be working!

So can you imagine my surprise that it has now been 5 months since I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers and I have not experienced a feeling of explosive anger yet?  In the past, I have been able to go some time between temper tantrums, but it was generally through some seemingly well thought out plan and some supreme will power.  This time, no major plan, no massive amounts of will power, just a little patch, and two tiny daily pills.

Damn!  I mean really.  Seriously, it is totally tripping me out.  

Take yesterday as an example.  A situation arose, that in the past has really irritated me.  A colleague came to me and told me he thought I had been rude and disrespectful towards him.  Normally this would kind of fire me up.  Generally I would handle the immediate situation with grace, but would be left with lots of unresolved anger.  This time, I looked at the guy and told him something along the lines of "OMG, I am so sorry that you felt that way!"  And I totally wanted to go over and give him a hug and pet his back in a calming soothing manner.  It almost made me giggle in the moment, except for I knew that would send this alpha male in a tale spin that I would never be able to pull him out of.  Instead I soothed the savage beast and left with him thinking we were now seeing eye to eye.  The largest amusement to me was when I reflected back upon the incident throughout the day and today as well, each time I was surprised to find myself giggling about it.  That is totally new.  Generally I would reflect about something like that and end up all fired up and quite pissed off!  This time I have reflected and giggled about ten times!  In fact I can't stop giggling about it.  It is so frickin amusing to me it is totally comical!  

That is just one teeny-tiny example of how my outlook on things have changed.  I am not expecting miracles.  In fact I am anticipating that in any possible upcoming situations I just may very well loose my shit.  But it hasn't happened yet.  And it is very odd.  Again - a lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!

I have watched myself for at least 35 years getting entirely way too angry.  And now, without trying to, without a massive plan, without attempting to solve the problem, it seems as though this incorrect application of hormones has been my problem all along.

It is things like this that have made me really look at myself and reexamine what I thought I knew.

I no longer think I should have been attempting to play the hand I was dealt.  I think I should have folded, left the table, and gone and found a new game long ago!

It really is a fascinating thing sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Observe yourself more!

photo credits:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ATexas_Hold_'em_Hole_Cards.jpg

https://flic.kr/p/gdW2F

https://flic.kr/p/8mx8N5

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AGo_give_your_friend_Micah_a_hug.jpg

https://flic.kr/p/7n37sR

My Outfit - Super Comfy Leggings!

Top - Max Studio - Similar

Leggings - ?? - Similar

Boots - Nine West - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

It is really too bad that I can't remember who made these leggings, for they are wondrous!  I really like them!  They were a purchase that I made this past summer when I went on the Alaska cruise.  We pulled into some port, which I can't remember either!  Possibly because they sell recreational MJ there, so that could have a bit to do with my memory lapses!  Ha! 

Anywho....  while we were there shopping around I purchased two things that I wore throughout much of the cruise.  One of which are these super awesomely warm leggings, and another is a cowl neck hoodie.  They were both more than I would normally pay for clothing items as they were actually retail prices!  Yikes!  But the thing is, they are both great pieces of clothing!

That is how I think I really should shop.  Purchase some things occasionally, that are of nicer quality.  Then they actually look good, and will last for more than a season.  Hmm.... sounds good, I wonder if I can keep my binge shopping urges in check?  Maybe. 

Though I will say that as of late, my urges to purchase mad amounts of clothing has certainly lessened.  I really should get around to updating you all on my hormone therapy progress.  One of these days, maybe!  Ha! Again!

Oh I did want to mention that when I purchased these on the cruise, I totally wanted to wear them, but was super paranoid about wearing leggings while in guy mode.  Do I even possess such I thing anymore?  Guy mode?  Hmm.... maybe.  Well okay, I think that regardless of what I wear, unless I take the time to wear makeup and I wig, I am perceived by the general public as a male.  So I suppose that would be my guy mode huh?  Anywho..... I was paranoid about wearing these leggings, but I totally went for it!  And they are so super comfy!  Loved it!  And obviously no one said a word to me about it.  And I even had family on board this ship with us!  And what happened because of it, um.... I was super comfy!  And happy with myself for pushing my own boundaries. 

On the day that I took these photos, I wore this outfit to go see my therapist, who is frickin awesome, btw.  I don't know I mentioned it or not, but I really like my therapist.  I also really liked this outfit.  I have not worn this top with leggings, but it totally worked.  At least I thought it did!

Okay, gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love warm yummy comfy leggings!  Yay!

My Outfit - Making It Work

Top - Patty Boutik

Tank - Guess - Similar

Skirt - H & M - Similar

Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar

Booties - Madden Girl - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This top has been hanging in my closest for quite some time.  I think it has remained there, despite not wearing it very often, because I really like the color.  Well that and it shows off my boobs quite nicely.  But when I put it on this past Saturday, low and behold, it decided to morph into a top that barely even covered my boobs!  Yikes! 

That was certainly not the look that I would ever go for!  I mean seriously, it is not like it didn't fit a little bit, it didn't fit a lot!  It was so bad, that I wondered why I even purchased it!  This particular top is purchased by your breast size.  When I first purchased it, it was fine, then within a short bit, it was stretched, but I could make it work by using some double sided tape.  But seriously, this past weekend, no amount of tape would ever work! 

Instead, I obviously wore a tank underneath.  I thought that possibly it looked a bit ridiculous, but according to Jules it worked!  I still like the color and as well, with the black tank peeping out, it worked with the black of the skirt and leggings. 

Oh I don't know if you can really see my booties or not, but I love them!  I got them about a month ago as sympathy shoes.  Yup, sympathy shoes.  I was sick, and my sinuses hurt, and my stomach was in super pain due to a bad reaction to some antibiotics.  So on the way home from therapy, I rewarded myself for dealing so well, with a new pair of shoes!  Yay!  Yummy!  Shoes!!

Love you!

Love shoes!!

Numb

My therapist called it numb on her Facebook post, and it really made me think, yeah that is what I am these days towards mass murder, numb.  It is so super sad.  I haven't really known how numb I have become to these horrid crimes until this past visit to Las Vegas.  I know I have written quite a bit about my two to three day trip to Las Vegas.  Apparently it was a moving event for me.  Somethings I expected, other's I did not. 

What I did not expect was the dawning realization of what a turd I was towards people that I consider to be good friends, Vivian and Edward.  I have written about them quite often here.  They were some of the first ones that I ever came out to.  They were definitely the first ones to see me dressed as a woman, other than my wife, and the thousands of strangers who have seen me.  They were for sure the first friends and one of them was the first coworker.

And yet, when the mass shooting happened in Vegas, did I call?  Did I text?  Did I have a moments thought about whether or not my good friends were okay?  Not really.  Oh sure, I can put it off as, I know Edward does not like country music, I knew that Vivian had ripped off most of her toenail and was receiving or at least in need of medical assistance, I knew that Edward was also not in Vegas, or at least I thought he wasn't there.

But still, those are all just such bullshit excuses for not reaching out and connecting with people that I care about.  And for that, I am so sorry.  I don't know how often they read my blog these days, but if you two are still reading occasionally, know that ever since it occurred to me, I have felt like a SUPER SCHMUCK!

And today was the day, while reading my therapist's post about feeling numb towards mass murders, that I realized, holy shit!  That is exactly where I am.  I am totally numb to mass killings.  Wow, that is so sick!  I mean even this past weekend's horrors, I was just like, hmm.... well.... yup.... that'll happen.  Wow, that is so fucked! 

I suppose on many levels, it is a natural reaction, as there is not much any of us can do about those situations.  Some people are just messed in the head and for some who-the-hell-knows-why reason, they feel the need to go out in a blaze of horror taking as many innocents with them as they can.  It is truly sick and twisted, but seriously, what can we do?

I know the least that I could have done is to call my friends and let them know that I was thinking of them.  Not cool that I didn't.  So not cool.  I'm pretty bummed with myself for becoming that desensitized to such horrors of the world.  True I cannot stop them, but I can at least reach out and offer comfort to those who have been placed into such shocking events. 

Love you Vivian and Edward. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/sweet_vengeance/3885482136

An Outfit for Comfort

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar

Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar

Shoes - Saucony - Similar

This outfit was what I chose to wear while driving home from Vegas last month.  I knew that I wanted to be comfortable for the drive and thus I wanted to wear some of my favorite things, but still be super comfortable.  I had considered wearing my favorite pair of booties with this look, which seriously would have been lots more fashionable than the pink tennis shoes, but they are just not very comfortable to drive in.  I like them, but the heel is a bit tall and kind of puts my legs in a bit of a twist while driving. 

I was surprisingly emotional on my return trip from Vegas.  I super love being on the right hormones finally.  I really had know idea that I was on the wrong hormones for so long, but I guess it is better late than never to finally figure it out!!  Ha!  Good luck to all the rest of you who might be considering this path!  Seriously.  Good luck.  It is enjoyable, but if I had not been working on my mental state prior to embarking upon hormones this all would have seriously put my panties into a twist! 

Suffice to say for now, I was a bit emotional and needing some comfort on my return trip from Vegas.  This outfit provided exactly what I needed.  Yummy, happy, comfortable clothes.  Yay!  It is really amazing what the right clothes can do in the right situation. 

So um yeah, there ya go!

Love you!!!

It's Not Estrogen, It's Me on Estrogen

It not estrogen, it’s me on estrogen, that’s what I would have said, if I could have one of those brains that actually thinks in real time.  For me though my thoughts often come hours, day, months, years, or even decades after the fact.  Things are constantly replayed within my mind, over and over, on endless loops, with me trying out different responses to see how they fit and pondering their implications.

Lately it seems as though more often than not, my most immediate responses are along the lines of “cool, whatever.”  Because seriously, for me, it is like, “whatever.”  Like, that particular thing that is going on is so inconsequential and irrelevant to my here and now, that it really doesn’t make one bit of difference to me personally.  Hmm…. wow, that sounds a bit harsh, no?  A little bit like I don’t really care all that much?  Hmm…. okay, well maybe that is not the best way to start off this particular post, but then again, maybe it is actually the best way to start off this post.

So…. maybe this may be a bit harsh sounding with that prelude… but let’s give it a go, shall we?  Okay so then….

I was hanging out with my good friends, Vivian and Edward, the same couple of the recent post about going out for a spa day, and the conversation was somewhat floating around me and estrogen.  

The comment from my friend that stuck with me, that I have been twirling around in my head, came from Vivian, and it was something along the lines of “I am disputing your so called reported effects of estrogen.”

I’m not quite sure if she knew how much those words stung.  People in my life often tend to see me as being so filled with confidence, that nothing that is ever said bothers me.  Of course, most don’t know about my deep seated paranoias.  I keep them fairly well disguised. So I think that part of me responded in my head with some smart ass remark along the lines of “well, goodie for you!!”  Or some such shit.

It’s good that I didn’t respond then actually, as now I have been able to pull my head out of my own self centered butt for a little bit and see, she was not actually talking about me in the least.  She was clearly talking about herself.  I am quite sure, she was well aware of that.  But me, nope I didn’t catch that at all.  All I caught, was, what?  What?  WHAT????

In my mind, I flipped out a little.  Okay, possibly more than a little.  Maybe quite a bit.

Okay, anywho….. Since then I have been able to see that for her, estrogen has apparently not been a friend.  It is a part of her that she seems to be quite annoyed with.  She does not appear to be any part transgender as she seems to be fine with being female, and has no desire to be anything but female.  But, and it is quite a but, she really does not appreciate how she sees estrogen as affecting her thoughts.  She likes a very orderly and rational existence and does not see estrogen as doing her any favors in those areas.  

So for her, estrogen is uncomfortable, and so of course she will dispute any reported positive benefits reported from anyone regarding estrogen.  

I get it.  I totally do.  

But for me, I doubt that people who are not transgender as being capable of really understanding the transgender experience.  When I attempt to explain to people what being on estrogen actually feels like for me, I wish they could see between the lines, between all of the evidence that I am reporting to them.

My wife actually explained it best, to Vivian and Edward actually.  They said something along the lines of “he seems be more this way or that way, which is different than I have ever seen him,”  I absolutely loved her response “no he is just willing to be himself now and to let you see it.”

Yup, that’s about it in a nutshell.  Estrogen is not some miracle drug.  Have problems in life?  Sorry estrogen is not going to fix them.  Are you an angry person?  Well, just because being on estrogen has made me a less angry person does not for one minute mean that you taking estrogen will make you any less angry.  In fact, if you are not meant to operate on estrogen, it could have the exact opposite effect on you actually.  

For me, it does not matter that I am on estrogen, it could literally be putting me on testosterone, if I was born a FTM transgender human, that would make me less angry.  For it is not being on estrogen itself that has done so much for me in the four short months of being on it, it is being on the right hormone that has done it for me.

I have been on this planet for a bit over 46 years now.  True, not the oldest and wisest among us, but neither am I the youngest and most naive.  I have experienced quite a bit.  Many times I have thought that I had a pretty good bead on things, that I really understood things on a deeper level.  Nothing I have experienced before this prepared me for the utter blatant reality of who I am.

I’m not going to say that I have actually been a woman my whole life.  But I can say for assurance, that my brain has expected to be operating on estrogen since I have been born.   It’s darn near impossible to express it to anyone who has not personally experienced it.    

I suppose it could be along the lines of some of those ancestry.com commercials.  You know the ones where people grew up thinking they were Italian, and did everything that traditional Italian families do, only to take the test and find out that they don’t have any Italian heritage in their DNA and are actually Armenian?  Or some such stuff.  Yeah, I could imagine that it might be like that.  

So yeah, dispute away.  For estrogen is not a miracle drug.  

But finally being on the right hormone is indeed a miraculous thing.  

Love you!!

Photo:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7d/Estradiol2.png

Little White Dress

Dress - White House Black Market - Similar

Shoes - Naturalizer - Similar

Why isn't that a thing?  I mean, a LBD - little black dress, is totally a thing.  Everybody knows about and talks about a little black dress, but I don't think I have ever heard the phrase, LWD - little white dress.  I personally think it should totally be a thing.  I mean, how cute is this dress?  Totes adorbs!  I really like it and think that white dresses should be just as classic and timeless as black dresses.  True, black dresses often are more universally flattering and fitting for a wide variety of occasions, but still, white could just as easily be the go to color.  Well, as long as you have the right white dress, right?

This is for sure the right white dress!  Of course it is from White House Black Market and I just adore how they make their clothes fit.  They often put seems, stitches, and zippers in just the right places to help hide the problems and accentuate the positive!  This dress has such a universally flattering cut to it with the black stripe cut across the waist in the perfect belt position.  It totally helps for the lower portion of the dress to flare out, giving a nice impression of hips.  As well, with having a zipper up the back it provides for a nice fit across the bust. 

I happened to wear this dress the last time Jules and I were in Vegas for our anniversary.  Jules loves sushi, so while staying at South Point Casino we decided to go downstairs for their super nice sushi place.  I was a bit freaked with wearing such a nice white dress to a place where I may easily drip some soy sauce on my super cute dress, but it all worked out fine and no accidents occurred!  We had a wonderful dinner and a fun night. 

Oh and yes we did go do a bit of gambling after our dinner.  No I did not win anything.  I play stupid games actually.  Especially for someone who knows there math as well as I do!  Ha!  I actually like roulette of all things.  I think the chance and idiocy of the game is fun.  It is especially fun when you have a large crowd playing with people willing to wager larger amounts.  Money comes and go in a blink of an eye.  I always say, I never intend to win, I am simply paying for the entertainment of it all.  If you don't find it fun, don't do it!

Okie dokie! 

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love the LWD!!!

Penises to the Left and Vaginas to the Right

We were standing in the men's locker room when I began telling Edward that I get it, as a society, we want to separate the penises from the vaginas.  That is the only appropriate thing to do when penises want so desperately to get into vaginas.  At least that is the logic as it was explained to me when I was just a young kid - in order to keep the penises out of the vaginas, we need to have them exist in different rooms.

It all seemed fair enough, but at some point as a child I learned about gay people.  Then I became confused again about the locker and rest room situation.  Why do we need to separate penises and vaginas when it is not always vaginas that penises want to get into and it is not always penises that vaginas want to bump up against?

Nobody was able to give me a fair answer to this question.  Does it mean that we need to have at least four changing and potty rooms?  One for the penises, one for the vaginas, one for the gay penises, and one more for the gay vaginas.  That should cover it, shouldn't it?

Oh damn, we forgot all about the bisexual penises and vaginas.  Shit, what are we going to do about those bit owners?  Shit, shit, shit.  Now we are in a real f'd up situation.  Maybe we could ask them to indicate which gender they are preferring to have sex with right then and then match them up to one of the four existing rooms?

Okay, that is obviously ridiculous, right?  Well this is the conversation that I was having, standing in the penis room, with my friend, Edward this past weekend.  Neither one of our penises were showing by the way!  This past weekend Jules and I went to Vegas and we decided to have a spa day with our friends, another couple.  That day the four of us headed off to the spa.  Two women, one man, and me, (who is currently refraining from gendering myself!! Ha!!) 

A brief conversation ensued on the way to the spa between Edward and my wife.  "Which locker room is ________ (insert male name here) going to use today?"  I heard my wife respond "well he will use the men's room, I think, being as he is presenting mainly as a male today."  I overheard this tidbit of conversation about me and what I really wanted to shout was "I'm right here!"  But I didn't,  instead I responded, rather loudly, "Oh I will be using the penis room.  Because I get it, we need to group all of the penises together."

Thus it was that as we checked into the spa, and we were herded into our respective genital locations, that in my head, I heard someone distinctly saying "penises to the left and vaginas to the right."  Nobody actually did say those words, but I swear I almost did.  I almost said them as it just seems absurd to me that this is what it comes down to - what is between our legs will always determine which direction we will turn at the locker room.

This idea of separation based upon genitals really bugs me, to be honest with you.  It bugs me so much, and actually offends me quite deeply, that I did not particularly care to go to the spa and be herded off to all of the other penises.  Because people, am I a male?  I was wearing a bra.  With a spaghetti strap tank top.  With breast inserts in.  Sure I did not have my wig on.  Sure I did not have makeup on.  Sure I have a penis.  But I am on the big E, estrogen, if you don't know.  And more and more as time passes I am pondering my own gender classification.  But apparently nobody else seems to care that I don't think I fit all that well into either one of the binaries.

But I understand how society works.  I understand that I don't want to make a scene.  I understand that I don't want to embarrass my friends.  I understand that nobody really knows what to do with people like me in situations like that and that everybody wants me to just go along with things so that we can just have a nice day.  I get it.  I have a penis.

So I followed the group norms and headed off to the penis room, where I proudly stood and took off my clothes, showing quite clearly who I am, and what I choose to wear.  Personally I found it quite funny to be standing in the middle of the penis room wearing a bra.  Then, later, after getting a fabu massage, I again amused myself by donning my super cute black and white polka-dot bikini while standing yet again in the penis room.

Was I rudely interrupted at any point by an unwelcome penis intrusion?  No.  Nothing happened.  No unwanted penises trying to invade my space.  I don't know if anybody even really looked at me.  It was a super huge, non-event.

And thus I found myself at the end of the day contemplating the separation of penises and vaginas with my friend Edward in the middle of the locker room.  At the time, there weren't any other patrons within ear shot, only a worker who was slowly folding towels.

Most people don't really contemplate this whole penis vs. vagina issue nearly as much as most of us transgender people do.  I mean it is right in our face pretty much the entire day with wherever we go and whatever we do,  but I suppose their must be some price to pay for happiness right?

Anywho..... I was having fun with this conversation even if my friend Edward seemed a bit uncomfortable with my forthright conversation in front of strangers, even if he was just a towel folder.  I seemed to sum up my thoughts on this topic with stating, I get it, you want the penises separated from the vaginas, regardless of who is attracted to who, apparently that is not important, well then what do you do with somebody like me, who has boobs (well trying to grow them at least!) and has a penis, just which facility should we use?

It was at this point that the room attendant looked up, smiled, and said "I totally agree with you!  It just seems so arbitrary where we place people.  I wish that more people were comfortable with their bodies and that we didn't have to worry about that sort of stuff!"

We all agreed it was a bit silly having these sort of separations and I think Edward was a little surprised.  I don't think he was anticipating getting a response from that worker as he leaned over to me and said "My gay-dar didn't even go off at all with that guy."  Edward is not gay, but he is bi, and discussing it seems to be a bit new for him.

For me though, discussing being transgender is becoming more and more common.  I seem to be discussing it with just about anybody these days.  And the people I have yet to speak with about it, might possibly be having a conversation heading their way soon!

So, um, yeah.  Spas.  I love getting massaged.  I love being pampered.  I hate being told that since I have a penis, I must go into the cattle pen with all of the other penises.

Isn't there a better way to draw lines between us then what genitals are between our legs.  You know what?  Scratch that.  Couldn't we do better as a society if we stop figuring out where to draw lines and separate ourselves from each other?

I'm female, you are male, thus we are different.  We are so different, we need to have special places for our differences.  We need to have special separate rooms just so that we all don't ever forget how different we are.  That what bits dangle, or not, between your legs somehow defines who we are.  Isn't this all just a bit archaic?  How about if I said, if you are white you get to use these locker rooms, but if you are not white, you have to use those locker rooms.  Oh well then, all hell will break loose.  What about if that was the case when we were heading off to the spa and the question of which facility I was going to use came up?  How would it sound then, "oh well which locker room is _______ going to use?  Well he is Hispanic, so he will have to use the non-white room."

Does it sound okay then?  Is it palatable to you?  Or does that leave a nasty taste in your mouth?

How about this?  Maybe just settle on three spaces.  One for the paranoid penis holders who only want to show other penis holders their penises.  A second for the paranoid vagina holders who only want to show other vagina holders their vaginas.  And a third one for all the rest of us who don't give a damn who sees what is between our legs.

My penis does not define me, and I hate whenever someone thinks that it does and forces me to conform to their expectations for what is right and wrong for me.

Love you!

Of Course I Want Boobs

When I am honest I have wanted to go onto hormones for a long time, probably far longer than I ever even realized.  Seriously, these things are great.  I mean, so flipping great, that I am shocked. 

Why?  Because I have grown the largest breasts ever?  Gawd no!  It is laughable actually how little my body has changed.  When I look at other people's transition timelines, mine is a joke!  Well, maybe it is not mine that is the joke but other people's, as it is tough to understand whether or not everyone actually is honest about these things. 

For me.... physically what has happened in the 3 months that I have been taking a serious testosterone blocker, and applying an estrogen patch, has been pretty much nothing.  I have taken measurements every two weeks of most things from my neck down and there has been only one thing that has shown any change at all, my nipples.  Yup, my nipples have gained about 1-2 mm in diameter.  Which is saying a lot actually.  That means they have doubled in size! 

So, um yeah. that is the big change that has happened.  Nipples that are now about 2 mm, when before they were only 1 mm.  Yup people, that mm stands for millimeters if you don't know.  Oh, btw, since it has come up, and this is a major side rant - the US needs to get over our use of standard measurements.  What is it the US and like two other countries?  Yeah, major players in the world.  So US people, get over it the metric system is far better! 

Okay then, so what is up with hormones that is so flipping great? 

Well, my doctor explained it best.  Hormones are like the software that the brain and body runs on and now I can finally see, I don't think my brain was ever supposed to run on testosterone.  Maybe it would have been better though to say Operating System.  Maybe my doc doesn't really understand tech that much, but I do think she meant an OS.  Like you know a Windows machine trying to run on an iOS.  The feeling is difficult for someone to understand if they haven't ever experienced it for themselves.  It is indeed quite weird. 

Try explaining it to a board of eight employees at your job who run the health care appeal board.  Yeah, I'm sure they all totally grasped what I was saying.  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously, HA!

Okay, well whatevs..... so back to the story at hand.....

So um yeah.  I finally feel like myself, and I never even knew that I ever stopped feeling like myself.  But I did.  I did indeed.  I stopped being me, oh way back, just about when I began getting massive amounts of testosterone dumped into my system due to a little thing we call puberty. 

I never really knew it, but that changed me from the me that I like, to a different me.  A me that I always assumed I had to deal with.  How does one not deal with themselves?  With the fate that they were born with? 

Another way that I could try and explain how I have changed is something that I told my therapist - I no longer feel like a big angry penis. 

So, the angry part.  Since I'm being honest.  I have been angry for much of my life.  Angry at what, being a boy?  Maybe.  But if so I never knew that.  I have not been one of these people who has always known that I have been trapped in the wrong body.  Nope not me.  Anywho.... I have been very, very, VERY ANGRY!  At a myriad of things.  A vast array of differing and petty things.  PEtty now in hindsight, now on estrogen!  Ha!  Okay, so anywho, suffice it to say I've been an angry person.

The penis part..... when testosterone hit me, I began to have intense biological needs to stick it, the big hard it, into just about anything.  Seriously anything.  An apple pie?  Nope, never did that, but I did plenty that I am not about to discuss here.  But the need to get it in, and get off, has been a huge driving (ha) force in my life.  Like a life mission of sorts. 

So...... now, now that the fog is clearing, now I can see just how intense those two aspects of my personality became once testosterone came onto the scene.  But now, now the angry is departing and the penis is becoming friendly.  No longer a driving, surging, need, but now a fun friend that comes about when wanted.

And there you have it.  The some total of my experience with three months on HRT, 2 mm large nipples, and no longer a big angry penis.  If this is all I ever get, I know that it will be the right decision.  I mean sure, of course I want boobs, but if I don't ever get them, I think I will be okay with that. 

Right now, I feel okay with a large number of things that I never thought I would.

Right now, I'm pretty darn happy.

Happier than maybe I thought I ever deserved to be.

Be happy.

Love you!

Love yourself!

You deserve to be happy.

Seriously.

Oh - BTW, the newest picture on this post was from January 2016!!!  Ha!!!  Those are some nice looking boob!  (All shadows and photography tickery I tell you!)

My Outfit - Black and White Polka Dots - My Favorite!

Dress - Laura - Similar

Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar

Booties - Madden Girl - Similar

Belt - White House Black Market - Similar

This past summer Jules and I were on our Alaska cruise and we pulled into port at Victoria, British Columbia.  We were really unsure what to do as it was a much larger city than we had visited on this trip and we are not super big on large cities.  We chose to just walk the streets and see the sites as pedestrian tourists.  As we were strolling down some nondescript road I spotted a super cute dress in a store window, but alas the shop, Laura, was closed.

We had no idea when the place was going to open as there was indication of store hours.  Maybe it's a Canadian thing, eh?  Ha-Ha, I'm so funny!  Okay, so anywho.... on we walked.  Really we had one idea in mind, to find some sort of British pub like establishment and get some pub food!  We are not experience with that type of food and we heard that Victoria can be known for it.  So we searched and searched.  It didn't really help much that it was about 9 in the morning and our ship was leaving at about 1 or 2 in the afternoon.

 We utilized our technology and found a good sounding place for some grub.  Upon arriving at the location, we were quite dismayed to find it closed.  It was something that had been repeated over and over.  Apparently, cities are not always the most convenient of places!  Feeling a bit frustrated, I convinced Jules that the shop I saw that cute dress in was probably open by now, being as it was after ten.  Thus we walked back towards the mall containing the shop with the super cute dress!

When we arrived there, surprise, surprise, it was in fact open!  And there were happy, friendly sales people milling about, ready and willing to help us!  And further good news, I found the dress I saw in the window, and it was in my size!  Oh good lordy, it was indeed shaping up to be a glorious day!  I took the dress in hand and began perusing the other garments on the racks.  A sales person approached and asked if she could start a fitting room for me.  Which I gladly accepted.

Oh and yeah, there was not a single hint of any sort of weird vibe from these glorious Canadian city dwellers.  I was clearly in mixed presentation mode.  I had obvious boobs, and was dressed in female clothing, but no wig or makeup.  But heck, these people treated me just like any other human!  Wow!  Such awesomeness.  I picked up a couple of other items and with anticipation of the super cute dress, I went with glee into the fitting room.  As well, Jules found a couple of things to try on as well!  It truly was a glorious day!

I went into the fitting room, stripped down, and put on the super cute dress and was instantly disappointed.  Boo-Hiss!  Crestfallen, I stepped out of the fitting room and showed the funky hanging dress to Jules.  While the dress was indeed cute, it was super not cute on me.  Ha!  Ah the perils of trying on clothes!

Oh well, I still had a couple of other options in the room waiting for me.  One of them was just as funky looking on me as the super cute dress and was quickly discarded.  But, this dress, in these photos, was tried on next and a warm glorious rainbow descended down upon me and I thought I heard a angels singing as the dress fell down around me and fit me like a glove!  Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, there certainly was no rainbow or angels singing, but seriously this dress fits like an absolute dream!

As well, it is in my favorite colors, black and white!  And what else, it is polka dots!  And what else, the dots are not uniform!  Oh glorious dress!  Oh and wait, it is stretchy too!  Oh and what else, it is the perfect packing dress as it can be rolled into a ball, pulled out, put on, and it looks fabu!  But wait, there's more, the dots are applied with a puffy type of paint and they produce the most fabulous texture that is so pleasing to run your hands over!  Oh My God!  It is a fabulous dress, and I love it!

Needless to say, everything else got left in the fitting room and this dress was brought to the counter, without a care as to the price.  Okay, well maybe a small care about the price, I mean I'm not about to drop a fortune on a dress, even if it is the most perfect dress in the world.  It wasn't bad, I think it was about 80 dollars, Canadian.  But what was also awesome, Jules found a super fitting beautiful dress as well!  Wow, Jules finding a dress that she likes, and fits well too?  Oh gosh, it was almost too much!

So.... I don't know if Laura is worldwide or just in Canada - a quick Google search makes it appear as though it is a Canadian store.  This store is fabulous!  It has so many cute things in many different sizes, for many different bodies shapes, with reasonable prices!  It is a really nice store with nice clothes and super friendly sales people!  Seriously, this was my highlight of Victoria British Colombia.  If I ever go back to Victoria, you know I am going back to this store!

(I really think Laura should pay me something for this review, don't you? - But seriously, it is a great store that super impressed me if you can't tell!  Ha!  I need to write more!)

Okay, I gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love textured, super yummy, black and white, polka dot, dresses from Laura of Canada!

Ha!

Outfit - Hot Pink Sandals

Top - White House Black Market - Similar

Skirt - American Apparel - Similar

Shoes - Kelly and Katie - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Bangles - Chico - Similar

I planned this outfit around the shoes.  I had purchased them a few months back, well at least a few months back.  Honestly, I can't remember how far back I had purchased these shoes, but I do remember that when I did purchase them, I had to purchase them as they are so darn adorable!  But when I did buy them, it was not quite the right weather for little pink sandals.  So I brought them home and placed them in the closet where they waited for just the right time to bring them out.

But they languished in the closet waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I kept looking at them and thinking, nope, not today, today is no the right day to wear them.  I think a few times I heard them boo and hiss at me as I passed them over in favor of other more appropriate shoes.

And then, on this day, I said, fuck it!  They have got to be taken out and worn!  They are too darn cute to sit in my closet for the rest of time waiting for the right time!  So out they came!  I actually think that what I paired with them turned out to be a super cute outfit.  Surprisingly I don't know if I have worn this top a great deal either.  It is something I purchased and thought was cute but never found just the right time to wear it.  But with this outfit, it works really well!

The skirt is one of my all time favorite items, a simple sheath skirt with a small slit up the back.  It is nice and tight and super stretchy.  So it gives me a slight appearance of hips as it totally hugs in at my knees and affords me a great shape.  Thus even though it was super cheap, it works really well!

Okie dokie!  That's about it.

Things here are chugging along.  Yes the fire is still burning.  It is about 32,000 acres and about 70% contained.  My life is slowly returning to normal - meaning, I am busy as all get out!

I generally don't talk about my regular employment here, and I don't think I will begin to today.  But I will say that recently my job started up again and I am doing a couple of new things and it seems as though everyday I go to work, work for about 10 hours, and come home and still have about 10 more hours of things to do.  Needless to say, I never accomplish it all.  Ugh!  Thus if my blogging appears to be affected, it is because of this!  Got to make the big bucks right?!

Okay, love you!

Love yourselves!

Love cute pink sandals!

Day 70 Hormone Comparison Photo

Well here we are at day 70 of hormones!  Can't you tell the huge difference in my appearance?  I think the change is quite obvious!  Ha!  I amuse myself so much.  Seriously I think it is quite amusing.  There is that total part of me who is wanting to see changes each and every day, but I really need to keep it in check, with a healthy dose of reality.

I am on a super small dose of estrogen and spironolactone and the changes at this point are expected to be pretty negligible.  Maybe once I have my doses upped there will be more obvious changes, but for now there really has not been much happening.  A month ago I updated my happenings and nothing much has happened since then.

Over the past month I would suppose the largest change is that I have not had a wig and makeup on for about a month!  That is indeed a change.  Lots has been happening in my life, um... fire anyone?  Thus things have been more than a little full, but as well, possibly some drive to dress has lessened.  Possibly some part of me used to dress to feel some connection to being feminine, but now being on estrogen is a pretty good connection to the feminine.  So maybe that has also dampened my desire to fully dress.  It certainly hasn't lessened my desire to dress in female clothing.  That I continue to do on a daily basis.

So.... uh..... yeah, there ya go!  My hilarious update on my hormone journey!

Oh, and yeah, if you did not see my Facebook fire update, as of today we are up to about 60 percent containment.  They have established a fire line between my house and the main fire and with that comes about a 90% assurance that it won't jump the line.  So.... it appears as though things are going to be okay.  We have picked up the dogs from the kennel, got our stuff from storage, unpacked our bags, re-hung our pictures, and life is slowly returning to normal.  It is still super smokey, my sinuses are still quite full, my lungs still hurt like heck, but hey, my house is here!

Alrighty then!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love humor!

Fire, Fire, Everywhere

Have you ever had to experience the surreal event of walking through your house trying to decide what needs to be saved, and what you are willing to allow to burn and leave your life forever?

This is from about 10 miles from me.  Pretty frickin scary!  This fire started on about August 29th.  It is currently up to about 17,500 acres.  The area it is burning in has not burnt in recorded history.  Which basically means that it is well overdue for a burn.  We are hopeful that we will not have a problem at our house, but we are prepared to go.

It really brings about the question of what is important.  We had to make a list of priorities:

Number 1 - each other
Number 2 - the dogs
Number 3 - the cats
Number 4 - keepsake items
Number 5 - important documents
Number 6 - current medications
Number 7 - clothes and toiletries for at least a week
Number 8 - photographs
Number 9 - cute clothes!
Number 10 - cute shoes!
Number 11 - cute purses!
Number 12 - good outerwear!

So.... all of these items are pretty well covered.  Many things have been packed up and moved down to our off-site storage unit.  The dogs are currently down the mountain at the kennel for an ongoing stay.  The cats are all inside and have food a carriers by the door.  Our bags are packed, purses accounted for, documents in the purses, the emergency list has been written of what to do when they come and tell us it is a mandatory evacuation.

We are prepared to go, but hope we don't have to.

Hope you are well.

Love rain!


Photo Credit:
http://kmph.com/news/local/pier-fire-explodes-in-size-near-springville-no-containment