Some of you may know that I am currently on a clothes shopping diet. This idea was born of wanting to offer my wife some sort of solidarity with her choice to be on a food diet. The idea, that I came up with, is that I would refrain from clothes shopping while she is food dieting.
For the most part things are going quite well. I am finding lots of good clothes combinations that I had not considered before. I am also finding that I have way too much clothing. Too much for me to ever be able to effectively wear during my limited outings as female. Which makes me really want to cry as I love some of my female clothes and I know that I will never get to wear them as much as I would like.
I have had about three cheats. Well maybe one or two are only a semi cheat. The semi cheat was that I bought new removable bra pads for my daily wearing bralettes. An actual cheat was that I was looking for a new pair of tennis shoes, which would have been a cheat for sure, but instead of tennis shoes I found a great pair of Fergalicious Wedges. I've seen them for at least a year or two and I found them in my size for 30 bucks! Um steal?? Yup, had to have them! My last cheat was a sun blocking top that I can wear while out and about under the sun. I've wanted one for quite some time and finally pulled the trigger. So there, that is my full disclosure list. My wife's list? Well you'd have to ask her about that, as that is her choice to divulge or not.
But, and it is a big but, I have discovered a serious flaw in my plan. What is it, you ask? I've been using clothes buying to help me balance out my gender variance. I had my suspicions, but after not shopping for about 5-6 months I can tell you that I am loosing my shit. Well admittedly there are other compounding issues as well.
Remember that I finally got the Finasteride prescription that I was hoping for? Well guess what, my urologist wants me to stop taking it. Oh goodie! I finally got it, and now he says he wants me to stop taking it. Apparently they suspect it increases the chance of getting prostate cancer. So he wants me to stop it entirely.
What was my response? To finally seek out counseling for my gender concerns. That is something I have never chosen to do. Why? Well, I personally think I am doing okay with handling my gender variance. As well, I am NOT interested in transitioning to a life as a woman. Maybe if my gender variance was fucking up my life somehow. Maybe if I was seeking GCS. Maybe then I would have been more on top of things.
Well, the counseling has been a struggle. Why? Ha! Even online I am struggling to find someone competent in transgender concerns. They said they have worked with the LGBT population. I'm finding that is nowhere near someone who understands TRANSGENDER concerns. So..... I'm struggling there.
Thus what is me recourse? Go back to my lovely GP and seek out a referral to a transgender competent endocrinologist. Just how exactly do you think that is going to turn out in the middle of rural California? I'm not real hopeful.
Thus I am really struggling today to keep my shit together.
It really shouldn't be this hard to find competent health care. I mean seriously, I have full coverage health care and fucking Planned Parenthood is looking like the best place for me to go. Not that it is a bad thing, but shouldn't that be reserved for the people who are actually struggling financially? That is not my position. My position is actually finding someone within my health care plans coverage. I will eventually get to the point to where I will end up just paying out of pocket for what I need, but I shouldn't have to.
I know what I need to do. I have to make an appointment at my GP, go in and figure out how to get the referral to an endocrinologist. Then figure out how to get it changed to one that actually understands transgender concerns. I will say again, I'm not real hopeful.
Love you
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