Back From Alaska

Hi!  I'm back!  Oh..... you didn't know that I was gone?  Well yeah, I decided to not announce my trip here as that is unfortunately not a good idea to do on the internet.  So.... anywho..... my wife and I got to take a cruise to Alaska!  Exciting, huh?  The above photo is from when Jules and I were in Ketchikan Alaska.

We had an exciting time, but it was also a bit stressful.  Unfortunately Jules' father is not doing very well as he is aging but he does not really want to accept it.  Instead he decided to take all his kids on a cruise to Alaska.  It probably was not in his and his wife's best interest to go on an Alaskan cruise, but he would not be talked out of it.  So.... we all pitched in to make this thing happen.  And it was some work, but we also figured out how to have fun as well.

I chose to not fully dress at any point while on the trip, but I did dress in a mixed gender fashion the entire time.  What was my real big breakthrough?  Stretch pants!  Yup stretch pants while presenting as a male.  As a male you might ask?  Yes as a male.  Although I was dressed in women's clothes from head to toe, except for most dinners, carried a purse, had my nails painted, and wore visible breasts, yup I was presenting as a male.

How so?  The beard.  It really is a dead giveaway.  I don't mind.  I find it amusing.  Frequently I ponder how others are perceiving me and what is going on in their head.  I mean they have got to know that I am transgender.  I don't make any efforts at all to hide it.  Really all I do is to not make the effort to wear makeup and a wig.  So, it's like lazy cross dressing?  Maybe.... I like to think of it as being gender non-conforming.... well, but now, even when I say that, I think, nope, I think of it as simply being transgender.  

Okay.  Just a quick thought.

Love you!

Oh.... my blog has kind of been on autopilot since I have been gone.  Comments have been published but I have not had a chance to reply back to any of them.  I thank you for your contributions to my blog and I will get to replying to you all soon!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

My Outfit - White Button Down Tunic

Tunic - Guess - Similar

Shorts - Guess - Similar

Shoes - Ralph Lauren

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

I wore this outfit the second time that I went to my therapist.  This first time I went I didn't fully dress as a woman, I wore a mixed gender style.  My thoughts on it were that is how I dress most of the time, and how I have lived my life for many years now.  But the second time I thought I would just go for it.

On this particular day, it was super hot, about 112 degrees!  Um wowzy!  My friend asked me why I was wearing such a large top over my tank in such crazy hot weather.  Generally it would be that I don't like my arms, but today that was not the issue.  Today's issue was disguising the genitals that I have.

Tucking just doesn't work for me.  Yes, I have tried different methods.  Yes I have tried, this and that, and the other thing.  Alas, it does not work for me.  What does?  Disguise!  Thus this top is fantastic for super hot weather.  I can wear whatever I want on the bottom, and this top covers it all nicely!  It is also cool in that in being white it actually reflects quite a bit of the sun off of me as well!

Anywho....

Love you!

Love yourself!

I Wish I Could Just Take A Pill and Feel Better

It was a simple enough confusion, one that I don't blame my wife for making.  What I had said to my wife is that so far, the absolute best thing about being on hormones now is how relaxed I feel because I decided to finally do it.  She thought that maybe the drugs themselves were making me feel more relaxed, but no, that is not what I feel relaxed about.

Possibly the hormones themselves have had some relaxing effect upon me, but I don't think so.  Sure, finally being on the right hormones feels great, but the really relaxing part is no longer pondering IF I am going to go on hormones.  Maybe I didn't really know how much I have wanted to go on hormones, Maybe I just didn't want to admit how much I wanted to go on hormones, but now I do know.  This has been something that has been on my mind for a very long time.

Some part of my brain has been so occupied with whether or not I should go on hormones it has been driving me quite bonkers.  It has not been a huge part of my thoughts, but one of those nagging things that just sort of sits in there and annoys you, like a splinter in your finger.  Should I or shouldn't I?  That has been the question.

Years ago, I knew that was not the path for me.  I knew then, and I still know now that I have no definitive plans on living full time as a woman.  I suppose that some part of me had this vision in my mind of who it is that does hormones.  They are the people who are intent on living as the opposite gender and doing everything they possibly could to live that way.  Real life, full time experience, taking hormones, having as many surgeries as possible, they are an all inclusive package.  In many ways I have seen those things as needing to go together in a single package.

Now.... now I don't.  Now I see that no one has to do all of those things, people CAN do all of those things, but people don't HAVE to.  People can do all of them, or some of them, or zero of them, and none of it is mandatory for how we are inside.  There are those of us who know who we are, regardless of what we do.

For me, for now, it is good to be SO at peace with who I am.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Oh and just to clarify, I too would love if I could just take a pill and feel better.  This process of mine has been, and continues to be, something that I work hard at.  What I feel better about is having made the choice.

photo credit:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Assorted_Pills_3.JPG

My Outfit - Three Faves

Top - Max Studio - Similar

Jeans - Guess - Similar

Shoes - Madden Girl - Similar

Recently I was in San Francisco and had the wonderful opportunity to wear one of my favorite pairs of blue jeans.  I actually have several pairs of favorite blue jeans.  Is that possible?  Can you have more than one favorite of the same article of clothing?  I dunno.  I think it kind of negates the idea of favorite.  

Anywho.... I really like these jeans!  I wore them to meet up with my friend Suzanne for lunch at one of our favorite (again? really?) ice cream stores.  Okay, in this case it actually is our favorite.  Favorite of all time!  Which place?  Fenton's Creamery in Oakland California.  It is SO good!  It is also super crowded nowadays, unlike when I was a child.

Jules and I went to Oakland and met up with Suzanne and her friend, whose name I forget, sorry!  We had a great time chatting and pigging out.  Okay, well I did most of the pigging out, but it was fabu!  I got a Cesar salad, and a giant bowl of ice cream!  

Alrighty then!  In this outfit I also love this striped shirt and the booties.  I have been pondering how to better show you the shoes that I wear with my outfits, I really like them.  I am not sure how to go about getting decent shots of them though.  Oh, an idea would be to just lower my tripod a bunch.  Hmm.... that could work.  Maybe I will try that soon!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Arm Insecurities

It has been quite awhile now since I have been lamenting my large arms, so one would logically think that is what this post will be about, yet again.  But it is not about my arm insecurities, it is about someone else!  On the day that I wore this outfit I happened to go to an office supply store where I had a super funny conversation.  When I walked up to the registers I couldn't really tell if that was where I was supposed to get my stuff rung up or not.  A female worker was there, but her back was turned to me and she didn't notice that I had walked up. I asked her if I was at the right location to get my stuff rung up.

She turned around with a rather annoyed look on her face and kind of sarcastically said yes.  I didn't really know what she annoyed about, me, the project she was working on, the color of the sky?  I didn't know, but regardless I put a smile on my face and said "I've just never been in this store and didn't know if I was in the right spot."

She asked if there was anything else I wanted, besides the reams of paper I had set on the counter.  When I told her no, she said I was indeed in the right place.  She seemed to be relaxing a bit.  That was when she told me that she liked how well the dress I was wearing fit me.  I thanked her and she continued by telling me that dresses just don't work on her.  She then asked me where I liked to shop.

I told her that my favorite place is White House Black Market, of course right?  She went on by explaining that no dress seems to fit on her body like they do on mine.  I attempted to explain to her that I have a hobby of trying on clothes and that one of my favorite things to do is to go to outlet malls and stop into random stores and try a bunch of things on.

She seemed unmoved by my methods of shopping, as indicated by her eye ball roll.  That was when she explained to me that her real problem is her arms and that she hates the way they look.  Apparently she is exercising with her daughter but is bothered about it because she doesn't want to lift weights and make her arms even bigger than they are now.

This was when I told her that my largest insecurities are around my arms as well and that I have always thought that that my arms are way too big.  She checked out my arms and said that she would die to have arms like mine!  Ha!  So funny!  I thanked her very much for the compliment and tried again to let her know how she could find a dress that worked for her as well.

She thanked me, I finished my purchase, and I left, laughing!  Too funny.  We humans are so funny about what we are insecure about.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Yes, even your arms!

My Outfit - Polka Dot Scarf Belt

Dress - Max Studio - Similar

Scarf - ?? - Similar

Shoes - Born O Concept - Similar

I was doing my summer closet clean out the other day and I found this cute little dress tucked away back in there where I had totally forgotten about it.  When I took it out, I thought, hmm... it's okay, but Jules totally liked it.  I decided that I would wear it later that day when I went was going to go to therapy.  The problem was that when I put it on, I didn't really like how it looked so much on me and thought that it needed a belt.

I tried on just about every belt that I had but couldn't find one that fit.  Okay, maybe not every belt, but I did try several of them, I do have lots of belts so that would have taken a really long time!  Point being, I couldn't find a belt that worked and I just gave up and figured that I could go without a belt.  Besides this wrap dress is a faux wrap dress.  It looks like a wrap dress and has little ties on the side of it, but it is actually sewn all the way across, thus the ties only pull it together about an inch.  So... no belt then.

But.... as I was putting on my makeup and looking at the dress in the mirror, I just couldn't take it and knew that I had to have some sort of belt with it.  That was when I remembered my scarves!  I pulled this one out, wrapped it around me, tied it, and knew that was the look!

I do have a funny story about a conversation I had with a store clerk while wearing this dress.  It deserves its own post, so this is it for now!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love Polka Dots!

Already Pretty Article

For those of you who don't know today I have an article up at Already Pretty.  This was a very interesting article for me to write.  Obviously it is about something that I have been pondering as most of my article are, but with this one I had the fabulous opportunity to work with Sally McGraw, owner of Already Pretty.  If you are unaware she has set aside her blogging and as she describes herself:

Sally McGraw is a freelance ghostwriter, editor, and copy writer who specializes in non-fiction books and book proposals.

Thus what happened was that I wrote a super rough draft.  So rough that I am surprised that I sent it off to her, but without even a second read over, which I should have done, I sent it off to Sally.  She put it into a Google Doc, and edited the heck out of it, which it surely needed!  When I received it back, it had all of these cool editing notes on the side of it which I could just accept or reject and it automatically changed my document to her edits or left it alone.  She also included some notes off to the side to help me further flesh out and clarify aspects of the article.

It took a few back and forths between she and I until we were both satisfied with the article and decided it was ready for publishing at Already Pretty.  Thus that is what is up there today and I encourage you to go read it as I think it is worth your time!  Ha!

Okay, maybe you're not heading over there right now, but if you are a writer, do you know what you should really do?  Get in touch with Sally and utilize her services!  She is a doll to work with and I SO enjoyed the process of working with a real editor.  I am so grateful for her services because in the end, whose writing gets to look all polished and fancy, yup that's right, mine!  I wrote some slop, and she turned it into a gem!

Seriously, if you are in need of her services, Sally is fabu!

My love to you!

photo credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/nics_events

Friday Pets

It has been a bit since I have put up any adorable kitten pictures, so I thought it was time.  Above is Obi Wan and Puddin trying to take a nap without having me snap photos in their faces!  Sorry kitties! 

The kittens often like to play in the bathtub.  This time Luke has taken control of a tiny fake mouse.  Everybody but Puddin is really interested in it!

A closeup of Puddin chillin on the edge of the tub.

The dogs get jealous of me taking so many photos of the kittens.  But they are looking pretty tired!

This is Gordo.  She is so much larger than all the rest.  Everybody keeps telling us to change her name to match her gender.  I want to ask them, do you know who you are actually talking to?

Nice look from Luke huh?

And lastly we have Caesar.  I don't think I have ever shown him before, but he was being a ham while I had out the camera, so here you go!

That's all for today.  Thanks!

Love you!

Love kitties!

Prostate Confusion

Well now, it has been a little bit since I came clean here about what is going on with me and my prostate, but there appears to be a lingering confusion as to what is happening with my prostate.  Several people I have spoken to have been greatly concerned that I am dealing more with obtaining hormones than dealing with my health.  Some of these people have been close friends and some have been well meaning internet friends.

I have honestly tried to clear up any misconceptions about my prostate, but I will attempt to do it again.  So.... let's see if I can be more clear this time - THERE IS NOTHING ABNORMALLY WRONG WITH MY PROSTATE!  There, does that help?

No?  Seriously, there is nothing wrong with my prostate, except of course that I am aging.  How about this excerpt for your edification:

An enlarged prostate means the gland has grown bigger. Prostate enlargement happens to almost all men as they get older. An enlarged prostate is often called benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH). It is not cancer, and it does not raise your risk for prostate cancer.

I think that this is a very difficult subject for most men to discuss rationally.  I mean, after all, this has to do with something that is only accessible by sticking a finger up your butt.  And men, well many men, don't want to acknowledge that they even have a butt!  Seriously!  And certainly most men don't want to ever have anything, EVER, go UP their butt!  I mean, talk about gay!  Things do NOT go up a male butt, unless of course you are gay!  Thus most men are terrified of being accused of being gay and thus, they don't want to ever have to deal with their prostates!

Well prostate owners, get over yourself!  Seriously!  Stick a finger up your butt and get to know your little walnut gland!  Ha!  I amuse myself!

So.... me being the problem solving person that I am, decided to solve a problem.  What problem you ask?  Well, I never wanted to go on hormones, well at least I would never admit to wanting to go on hormones.  Thus the dilemma - I want a more feminine body, but I didn't want to admit to wanting hormones.  Instead of admitting what has always been there, I instead went to my general practitioner and complained about my prostate, knowing full well that they would refer me to a specialist.  Once at the specialist - for all of you who are concerned about my prostate - he did EVERY SINGLE TEST THERE IS - and determined that due to - MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY SYMPTOMS - that I have an enlarged prostate.  Eventually he gave me finasteride, which is what I wanted.  If you don't know it is a t-blocker.  Time passed, I told him that I felt better, he told me he wanted me to stop taking finasteride.

I panicked, and finally pulled my head out of my own ass, ha!, and admitted to myself and my wife, what I was doing, and what I had orchestrated.  Then I did the responsible thing - I began to see a gender therapist, and a doctor who is actually educated in prescribing hormone treatment for transgender patients.  By the way, all of you folks who are paranoid about my prostate, my new doctor assures me that the new medication I am on will shrink my prostate to nothing.

But really, I think there is another issue happening here - all of the folks who are worried about my prostate - I am worried about you.  Do you know your own prostate?  Because see, I know mine, again part of why I thought I was gay, I have been familiar with my anatomy since about age 12 or so.  Most of the people who have expressed concern for me have followed it up with, 'yeah I need to get mine checked soon.'  Well seriously if that is your response then YES, YOU NEED TO GET IT CHECKED!

Well, I hope this PSA (Ha! another prostate joke if you didn't catch it!) has helped.  From now on I think when questioned about my prostate's heath I will simply refer to this post.

Hope you all are well!

I hope you all have stuck your own fingers up your own butts!  Ha!  I amuse myself, seriously!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Yes, even love your butts!

Photos:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/raphaellove/

My Outfit - Geometric Tunic

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Shorts - Guess - Similar

Sandals - Born O Concept - Similar

Doesn't it totally look as though this dress is super short?  I mean way too short for me to be wearing, unless of course I'm wanting to give somebody a free peep show?  That would be gross!  I have actually heard of some trans people doing that on purpose.  Well, at least that is how others described them, trans.  I generally have not given those folks the time of the day, but I should start speaking up and letting them know that those are not called trans people, they are called something more along the lines of a pervert, or an exhibitionist.

Oh and by the way, no I am not trying to show off any bits, see I have on shorts!

I really, really like tunics, especially during the summer, but I do not like where they fall on my legs, as it gives this look of wearing a way to short of a dress.  I suppose that if anybody is looking all that closely they can see my shorts, but it does make me feel a bit self conscious.  Obviously I get over it and just wear what I think looks good, but still, it is a bit unnerving!

So.... where exactly did I wear this outfit to you ask?  I wore it to my very first appointment with my OB/GYN.  Yeah, weird huh?  I mean I don't even have a vagina!  Yeah well, as it turns out, here in California's Central Valley, there are very few doctors willing to work with the transgender community.  This doctor was one of two I was referred to for possible hormone treatment.  She apparently has a four month waiting period, but I amazingly got in within a month!

Off I went to my appointment this morning, with my super understanding and awesome wife.  By the way, for any of you who are concerned with my wife and my possible hormone therapy, she is totally in support of it.  So much so that within the past month she has lamented "when exactly are you going to get hormones?"  Funny huh?  I have thought so.

My appointment went really well and I actually left with a script for spironolactone and estradiol.  There was a small hiccup in actually getting the pharmacy to fill the script, but I got it!  Thus these pictures were taken about an hour or so before applying my first patch!  Terrifying and exciting!

That is all for today.  Honestly I never pictured that I would be here, but I am thrilled to be so!

Love you!

Love yourselves!