I Like Questions

The evening’s conversation turned towards my personal proclivities when B asked me, ‘what do you think is the biggest difference between men’s and women’s clothes?’

I hesitated in replying to him.  I think because I was so happy inside that a friend of mine felt comfortable enough to ask me that question.

During my pause, B asked ‘Well what if we just limit the question to jeans?’

I forget exactly what I said; I think my response had something to do with cut and variety.  What I was really super thrilled about was that I was able to discuss fashion about both men’s and women’s clothes.  The conversation wasn’t just about me cross dressing, but at the same time it was.

I gave my thoughts and the conversation drifted.  We talked about a large variety of things that evening.  I think that they were drinking mojitos and Jules and I were doing tequila shots occasionally. 

At some point B asked another question about my cross dressing and personally I was thrilled.  It honestly was so much fun hanging out with friends that I really like and they know that I am a cross dresser and they still like me and aren’t freaked out by it; enough so that they are actually willing to discuss it with me.  Wow.  What fun.  Really.  It really, really was.  In that moment I was very appreciative of the bravery I showed months ago in revealing to them what I like to do.  I had once thought that telling others what I do could possibly be the worst, most horrible decision I could ever make.  And instead here I was sitting with my friends who made me feel so touched simply by wanting to know more about what I like to do.

B asked ‘So, when you cross dress, what do you do?  Like, is it just some clothes or what?’

I gave him a brief overview of the changing nature of my cross dressing.  Basically, it grew from just a few pieces of clothes being worn occasionally to now where I will dress from head to toe, completely including a wig and makeup.

At this point, both A and B started asking questions.  One I remember was – How often do I dress?  - Answer – A couple of times a month or so right now, as it is duck season, but it changes, non-duck hunting months, maybe from 2 -4 times per month, during vacations, it often becomes much more frequent; often while on vacation, especially driving ones, I will only even take girls clothes with me. 

Another question that I remember B asking was – what is the look that you are going for? Answer – just another average girl.  At this point Jules started saying that I should just pull out my ipad and show them pictures of me on my website. 

Do you remember that I like to be pushed?  Occasionally I will really feel the shove of the hand and this time I almost fell.  Wow, show someone, besides Jules, and the millions of strangers who have seen me while out and about.  This startled me.  I mean, it is one thing to tell someone that you cross dress and an entirely different thing to then put yourself out there for potential critique.

Wow.  Five years ago, oh hell no.  Five years ago they would have never known.  But day by, week by week, month by month, year by year, I have pushed myself hard for me to be okay with myself.  If I am okay with myself, then what could be said that could hurt me by them?  I took a shot of tequila, a deep breath, and opened my ipad. 

Very quickly my site was loaded and then my friends were looking at me dressed as a girl.

I think that I dissociated from myself then as I do not have very clear memories of what their initial reactions were, or it could have just been the tequila shots.  Either way, Jules and I both remember that the reactions were very positive and supportive.

A, the female of A and B, liked my look.  What I was thrilled about was that she said there were a couple of outfits that she liked.  She told me that she liked my wig; that it looked good on me.  She was also quite amazed at the pictures of my cleavage and was surprised at how completely hairless it was.  (She has seen it otherwise.)  She also said that she would not recognize me if she saw me out in the world.  I have some vague recollection that B said something positive about my looks.

And then it was done.  I didn’t die.  The world didn’t end.  My friends saw me as Nadine.  And all was well with the world.

In reflection the evening was one of the best times I have ever spent.  I was so happy with them as friends, but I was also thrilled with myself.

And being thrilled with myself is one end result of me working hard with my own perceptions of myself.

Love yourself more and find the ever elusive happiness.