What is it about cross dressing that makes so many of us complacent with deceiving others? I thought about this, and about writing this post, and just bashing those that deceive but then I thought about myself. And I am pondering if just by being me, am I actively trying to deceive those around me? Am I girl, nope, but occasionally I dress as one, and pass myself off as one. Isn't that deceit? Yes it is. I will grant you that.
But I suppose it is a deceit of omission. I don't tell people that I am a girl. If anyone were to ask, which has never been done, I would certainly tell anyone that I am a man dressed as a girl. The way I look at it is, the people that I deceive are the general public, and the general public does not have a need to know about my personal life.
Who does? My wife. And my wife has always been privy to my personal private thoughts. I made a commitment to her when we got married, and part of that is being honest with her, with trusting her, with having her be a part of my life. And I feel very strongly about this. I have a very difficult time reading about how so many of you have been CDing for years and have never told your SO. Honestly it is quite shocking to me. But even more so than that, is the large numbers of you that not only accept their deceit, you actively encourage it. I have read more than one post that says "if you want to keep your wife, don't tell her." Shocking! How significant is your other if you are unwilling to be honest with them?
Along the same lines are those of you who "borrow" your wife's clothes or your sister's clothes, or your mom's clothes. These things are just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I think this all stems from fear of rejection. We are afraid that others will not understand us and thus we hide who we are and then we justify it by saying, well it is for their own good. Or it is for the good of the family. Or some other such nonsense. Listen, it is not important that you out yourself to the entire world. The entire world does not need to know your private personal business. But when you are married, or are planning on getting married, your private personal business becomes you and spouses private personal business. There is no more me and them, it is you two together. And together means more than just simply sharing the same space.
If you choose to exclude your spouse you are making a grave mistake. You think that they will not accept you because of your aberrant behavior, so you allow yourself to do something that no one should accept in a spouse. You deceive them. If someone were to tell me that they are leaving their spouse because they can not trust them, I would support that decision fully.
Don't do something that is morally reprehensible because you can't just stand up to your own fears and find out if you spouse has concerns about cross dressing.
Okay, I know, a bit of a rant, but dammit, I feel very strongly about truth and honesty and openness within relationships and about facing your own fears. By not facing your fear, you are honestly dooming your relationship with deceit.
Okay, rant over.
Love Ya.
Be honest!
Photo credit - http://www.flickr.com/photos/ev0luti0nary/5222712198/
Excellent post, very well said. It really doesn't help the cause when so many stay closeted in such an unhealthy way. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I appreciate you saying that. Apparently not everyone in the cross dressing community feels the same. As I see it, cross dressing is not a choice, but deception is. They do not go hand in hand with each other.
DeleteThanks again for the words of support! :)
Hi Nadine,
ReplyDeleteI have just discovered your blog through a friend. I had a marriage where I kept my dressing from my wife and it was mentally unhealthy, I eventually told her and and I had the standard interrogation and eventually separation.
I am now married to a wonderful person whom I shared my dressing persona with when we met, no more lies and deception, in fact she loves my fem side...life is great now,
thanks again for your wise words,
Kelly
You are entirely welcome.
DeleteI am sorry to hear that things did not go well in your first marriage, but it is good that you did finally tell her. And I am happy for you that you found someone else who you have a much healthier relationship with.
And also thank you for stopping by and commenting, I always really like hearing from my readers.
An excellent rant. Keeping secrets can do a disservice to both parties. At the same time when one is in a loving relationship it is important to not do anything that would hurt the one you love.
ReplyDeleteI was married at 21 and now have 40 wonderful married years under my belt. In the early years of my marriage I had my wife dress me a few times. I really did not know what I was or where I was going with my dressing and information about the subject was rare and hard to find back then.
Seeing me in a dress and makeup scared my wife. It made her very uncomfortable and caused her stress. She asked me not to do it and not to ask her to participate in any dressing.
Slowly over the years my dressing increased and my ability to be dressed in front of my wife became much more acceptable. During the 20+ years that the kids were living in the house she was very concerned that the kids not have any clue about their father's dressing. I did not dispute that and hid my clothes and limited my dressing to when I was alone or away on trips.
Even now she is concerned that my dressing may be something that others will know about and she has fears and anxiety whenever I want to go out. I need to respect her fear and to not force her to accept my participation in activities that cause her stress. When we are not together I will dress and go out and not tell her. I suspect that she 'sort of knows' but by now having it in her face she can avoid the stress and worry.
I really do try to share everything with my wife but I do have the conflict of being her spouse and protector and having to balance my needs and desires with my obligation to keep her feeling safe and secure.
It is a difficult line to walk and I would like nothing more than having her see my dressing and desire to get out and about while dressed the same way I see it. I love her deeply and know that she loves me and I suspect that it is just easier and somewhat less stressful for both of us to live with a bit of plausible deniability.
I cannot dispute the position that you take but all of us find ourselves in different positions. I like to think that I am an honest person but I am also a person that does not like to cause pain or stress to those that I love and I do what I can to limit that.
Pax
Pat
Pat - Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I always appreciate hearing your take on things. In my opinion, you have been honest with your wife. You told her what you do, and she has chosen to not involve herself. That is her choice, but you have given her the ability to make that choice and I applaud you for that.
DeleteI can not imagine the difficulties you must have faced in coping with cross dressing at a time when there was not access to the vast amount of information that we now have. It must have been terribly lonely for you and scary for you to be upfront and honest with your wife, but you were. As I see it, you are respecting your marriage and your wife's wishes by not including her. That is not being dishonest, it is honoring her wishes. And I think that is great.
Thanks again!
Hi Nadine,
ReplyDeletePat puts it very well.
Sometimes it's necessary to soft-pedal for the sake of a relationship.
Downright lies or denial will certainly end in tears, but it takes a lot of courage to lay everything you care about on the line.
I can understand why some cross-dressers can't or won't tell their wives.
Penny
Hi Penny. Thanks for contributing. I agree that it does take quite a bit of courage to be honest about what can be such a scary thing. While I can understand the fear, I can't understand not being willing to face that fear. I have not always known what has been going on with me, but I have always felt it to be important to work with my wife to help me to figure all of this out. Our conversations together and our ability to really trust each other has helped me tremendously to even begin to understand who I am.
DeleteI get it, but I don't agree with it. I really think that not being open with your spouse hurts both of you.
Thanks for contributing your thoughts to this controversial and intense topic, :)
Nadine,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your reply. I think that in many ways I have had a good and full and fulfilling life. When I was younger I worked full time to get through college and grad school so I had not time to feel lonely. In my career I was often stuck/blessed with 70-80 hour work weeks which again kept me busy. I was a hands on father for 20+ years and had lots of friends and other activities.
That is not to say that I have not always been a crossdresser...only that crossdressing was at best a default for when I had the time and opportunity...limited as it may have been.
I know that you have had your hands full with your wife's leg but I have been going through a similar experience. The week before Thanksgiving my wife needed emergency eye surgery. She would have lost vision in one eye due to a torn retina. Rehab has been slow and she still cannot see out of her eye. She has been confined except for trips to the eye surgeon.
Each weekend day I have done morning chores and shopping and have then come come to dress. I have had the chance to try on several outfits complete with shoes, hose, makeup and wig and then go about the task of preparing food. I am a decent cook and I have had fun both with the dressing and with serving as the chief cook and bottle washer. We are at a point where she relates to me exactly the same way whether I am dressed as the normal guy that I am when I go to work, etc. or if I am attired in a skirt and top with heels and hose.
Of course she makes sure that all of the blinds are fully closed so that no passing cars or walkers can see into the place and perhaps wonder at that large lady walking about.
It is a compromise that we can live with.
Pat
Oh Pat, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I hope that her recovery continues and that all goes well. Jules is also very slowly recovering. We currently are on our first trip overnight since she broker her leg and we are both enjoying our time together.
DeleteI must say that I teared up a bit while reading about how your you and your wife are able to relate. It is very telling of the love, openness, and honesty that the two of you obviously share. It is a very touching show of love. Good for both of you!
A wonderful rant Nadine. It's interesting to read about how people will avoid facing the tough situations and emotions. The fear of loneliness can drive so many emotions, which can lead to so many negative results, and time lost. Being open and honest with those around us can give us the best opportunity for a positive outcome. In fact, my wife and I just returned home from visiting family for an early Christmas, and last night I achieved my goal of coming out to my mom, and boy will I have plenty to write about. It was a tough/emotional talk to have, but I know that with time, it will lead to positivity.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Katie
Omg Katie! What a big step! I know that this is something that has been on your mind for awhile, and I am quite interested to hear the details of the experience. I am so proud of you! :)
DeleteI agree that with time it will be positive. Especially if the line of communication continues. I really feel that there is much misunderstanding between us and the cisgendered. I am discovering that I have much to learn about our own community thus I can only imagine how little most folks know.
I can't wait to read about how it went with your mom.
Thanks for stopping by cutie.
Nadine, this is a brave and important post. I understand the fear that drives us to hide; regrettably I kept my secret from my wife for five years. As I have grown and learned to accept myself I have come to understnd that honesty is crucial, especially when it comes to your spouse.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jocelyn. I don't think I understood how brave this post was until I wrote it, and wrote about it at crossdressers.com and got back some negative responses. Funny enough, not hear at my blog, but on that chat board, WOW!
DeleteI think your mentioning of accepting yourself is what keeps so many of us from being able to be honest with our SOs. So many of us don't accept ourselves, I think we find it difficult to imagine anyone else ever being willing to accept us. But it is these very thoughts that should prompt us to be honest with our SOs.
Thanks for visiting & commenting! :)