Casual Day

Top - Patty Boutik

Skirt - American Apparel - Similar 

Shoes - Naturalizer: Believe Pump

Today was a rather boring day, with me just working around the house.  I did make a point of dressing for a little bit today.  I have had some requests for some updates to my cleavage methods and I thought it would be fun to take some picture for that upcoming post.  Here are some results:

Pretty nice cleavage huh?  I like it! So... look forward to my update, coming soon!

A few other tidbits for you all:

- I appreciate the care and concern that so many of you have shown in regards to my previous post.  Sometimes I look back at things and wonder, hmmm.... there must have been a certain tone to a post for so many people to get the same message from it.  Maybe it is me that is not getting the message?  Anywho.... for some clarity, I am not contemplating transition so much as I am lamenting not recently being able to dress for some extended time.  It is only then that I get to experience desiring to be a male, and I LIKE that.

- I somewhat recently did I post over at Already Pretty that I forgot to cross post to, so here is that now!

- I also recently had a piece publish over at Sister House and I really like the look of how that article turned out.

Okie-dokie!

Love you!

Driving Myself Bonkers

I don't know if you have noticed, but I sure have; since about July or so I have been FAR more conflicted about my gender than I have ever been before.  I used to be so secure in my knowledge that I exist somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum.  But when reviewing my blog and pondering what I should pontificate about today, I see a shift in my thoughts.

Round and round I go, endlessly spinning my mental Rubik's Cube, twisting and turning the pieces trying desperately to see if I can solve this damn puzzle.

What puzzle you ask?

The puzzle of if I should actually pursue transitioning.

See.... it kind of bugs me that I am even thinking about that.  I don't really want to think about that.  Well.... okay, thinking about it does not bug me nearly as much as the thought of actually following through with it does.  I don't want to transition.  I like how I live.  Sure there are ups and downs, but that is life.  If there are not bumps in the road, it probably means that you suffering from a little thing called death.

What bugs is.... why does it keep rattling around in my head??  It concerns me because some part of me feels as though my opportunities, my best opportunities are passing me by.  In the last few months it has gotten more annoying.  It is like an itch that I can't scratch and all that it does is grow.  It has me seriously worried.  Worried about what may lay ahead for me.

And I wonder why now?

Do any of you out there in this awesome blog-o-sphere remember this post from back in July?  Well I will quote the important bit:

So why do I not want to go?  Because this is the time of year when I get to dress as much as I would like to.  And not having that freedom worries me.  It worries me because when I don't heed the signs, the desires grow. And I don't want them to grow.

Oftentimes I feel as though I am playing a balancing act, always attempting to find the sweet spot between my desires.  It is easy to find the time to be male, but I often struggle to find the time to be female.  And for most of my life the balance of power is in favor of my maleness.  When I don't get enough time for femininity is when I become worried.

Worried because the feelings inside of me grow.  Even with all of the writing I do about this subject, I find it terribly difficult to explain well; to explain it in a way that makes sense to even me, let alone anyone else.

But.... suffice it to say.... when I give too much to my maleness, I long for femaleness.  It is very rare, but has happened on occasion, when I give too much to my femaleness, I long for maleness.  And it is that feeling that I love.  That longing for maleness.  For that is what shows me who I really am.  When I go for too long longing for femaleness it begins to cloud my judgement and I begin thinking that it is all that I want, and that maybe I really want to live my life as a woman.  It is only when I get to experience being female for awhile that I am reminded of how much I also enjoy being male.

And now, 6-7 months later, this is the quagmire that I am engulfed within.  Almost all of my thoughts have been consumed with the idea of being a female that several times I have really seriously contemplated it.  It has been at least a year and half since I have longed for my maleness.  And I am bummed by that.  I am bummed that I have not been self reminded of how much I DO enjoy being male.

It is almost as if it has been so long that I have yearned to be male that I feel as though I have lost a part of me.  A part of me that I enjoy.  A part of me that I want.  A part of me that I love and I don't want to loose.

It is so weird.

Love you!

Photos:
http://blingdigital.com/blog/index.php/gender-equality-in-post-production/
https://pixabay.com/en/road-zebra-crossing-transition-630415/
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm1.static.flickr.com/99/310322761_dc4572e7f6.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.speedofcreativity.org/category/digitaldiscipline/feed/&h=333&w=500&tbnid=ndJTdAkMTsyIZM:&docid=ULklA4PgeASPXM&ei=ywahVuvnOpasjwPcyKy4Aw&tbm=isch&ved=0ahUKEwir-daPqbvKAhUW1mMKHVwkCzc4ZBAzCAooBzAH
http://aesahaettr94.deviantart.com/art/Pansexual-Pride-Flag-282821264

Sweater Weather

Sweater - Ann Taylor - Similar

Jeans - Levi: Denizen

Shoes - Natularizer: Believe

Coat - Guess - Similar

Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This is the outfit I wore the other day when Jules and I went shopping.  I mentioned one of our stops in my previous post.  On that particular day we went to several places.  Our first stop was to get our nails redone.

I think they turned  out really cute!  Though I will say that having the black on the whole nail with the pink right at the ends gives the appearance that my nails are far shorter than they really are.  Oh well, they are still super cute!  I kind of think the hot pink matches the VS bra I picked up later.  Which was totally unplanned.

After we got our nails done, we went to the mall.  We had to pick up some Clinique eye makeup remover, we obviously stopped at Victoria's Secret, and then stopped into JCPenny's to visit Sephora.  None of those stops took very long, though I do think I should have gotten a bra fitting at VS while I was there.  Simply because I have never had one and I think I should at least give it a whirl huh?

Anywho.... Our last stop of the day was a thrilling trip to Costco!  Wow, what an exciting life I lead!

I was thinking about it a bit the other day.  So many TG folk get all worked up about getting out of the house and here I am ddoing just completely normal everyday stuff, like it is actually just a NORMAL everyday occurrence!

Hmmm.... my life..... normal, everyday,, occurrence..... Hmmmmmm...... Yeah, I'll go with that!

Love ya!

How Many Bras are Too Many Bras?

Okay so there is a bit more pictured here than just bras.  There are a couple of clothing items folded up on the seat of the couch, but most of that pile is tank tops bras.  In front of that is my collection of cutlets and my sole remaining pair of silicon boobs.

The picture above is the result of me feeling as though I had too much stuff jammed into my bra drawer.  I took everything out, threw a couple of things away, and arranged the whole kit and kaboodle.  Really, I had no idea that I had so many bras.  Maybe if I had really known just how many that I have I wouldn't have purchased the two or three more bras this past Christmas.

Once I had them all laid out I asked Jules the question "how many bras are too many bras, for somebody that doesn't even have boobs?"

The answer?  There can never be too many bras for me.

For it is through these wonderful, magnificent, incredible garments and accouterments that I am able to achieve something like what is pictured above.  And I sit here now, looking at that photo, at what I can create and I understand how important that is to me.

The fact that I can achieve something that allows me to see myself with such a feminine feature really helps.  It helps me to feel better about myself and my body.  It helps me to really appreciate what I do have and not be so irritated by what I don't.

There may be those who think that my efforts at creating some decolletage are an attempt to attract those that may appreciate that sort of look, but it is so not.  I mean, if others like it, that is fine, totally fine, it is flattering, but really it is for me.

It helps me to like me.

And thus what did I do, while out shopping the other day?  I used my gift card.

I like bras.

I love me.

I hope you can find something that helps you to love you.

Jules' Summer Flashback

 Shirt- White House, Black Market- similar

Shorts- Merona- similar
Shoes-  Impo- similar

This was one of the last outfits I wore last summer before going back to work. I love both the shorts and the top. The top is a halter top, which I love because I do not have to wear a bra with this top. I am fortunate enough to have perky breasts (yes I did just say that), and I try to take advantage of that by wearing tops that most women my age would not feel comfortable wearing. In my opinion, I have three things going for me when I comes to the shape of my boobs: 1) I have never had children, 2) I often go without a bra and have for the past 20 years (if I don't need a bra on, I don't wear one), and 3) genetics. Many women, myself included until my mid 20's or so, think they have to wear a bra or the world will revolt and pitchfork them. Not true! Most people do not look or if they do look, they don't care. Also, many women think that wearing a bra will help keep their breasts perky, which is also not true. Actually, wearing a bra all the time makes breasts less able to keep themselves up. To quote a study on wearing bras and the effects on young breasts, "not wearing a bra will lead to increased collagen production and elasticity, which improves lift in a developing breast."  This study is definitely worth reading and sharing with the women in your world. :)

 

Me without Makeup 

I find it hard to look at the pictures I took of me without makeup, even though I never thought I would feel this way. I had been comfortable with not wearing make up or wearing very little  for years.  It was really only a few years ago that I started feeling like I look so much better with makeup than without. I think it was after breaking my leg that I began to wear all over face makeup all the time to work and most of the time out and about in the world. That injury seemed to age my face and body by years, sadly. I still go without it when going on errands or quick trips out to do things.  So, for me to go out to get my nails done, and to the movies without makeup that day was a little bit uncomfortable, but I figured I need to be able to do that sometimes, to show myself that nothing bad will happen (like people staring or laughing at me) if I go out without makeup. I was correct in that assumption. We had a great, uneventful day.

Fun Bright Nails

 

Love, love these shoes!!

Okay,  I hope you enjoyed this little look back at a summer outfit. Although I love summer and miss wearing very little clothing, I personally am enjoying the winter and the rain it is bringing to a very dry California. 

Hugs!!!

Gender Me, Gender you, Gender Everyone, Everywhere

"How human of you."

"That was such a human thing to do."

"You are such a human."

But that is not the way that people actually talk is it? People don't say those types of statements.  People say things like:

"How male of you."

"That was such a male thing to do."

"You are such a male."

Well at least they like to say things like that to me.  I don't even know if they are aware of it.  I don't think they are trying to be mean about it.  In reality I don't think they are really even talking about me or saying anything about me and what gender I am.

I think they are attempting to determine what gender means for them.

Interesting huh?  Well maybe to me at least.  Obviously I am no scientist or doctorate in human behavior but I am transgender and I do ponder my own gender just about every single day that I live.  I also enjoy being an observer of human behavior.  Oh and as well, it kind of irks me when people gender me and it continually makes me ponder why people do it.

So back to my point already..... I think that without really knowing it, most people easily and readily try and place people into one gender or the other in an attempt to figure out what gender means.  If you do this thing or that thing, then it is a typically male or female thing for you to do.

Most males that I meet observe me and know right away that I am not a typical male.  They never mistreat me in anyway, but they fully accept the concept that maybe I am a bit different than them.

But many of the females that know about me being transgender, will often point out the typically male things that I do.  I may be dressed or not, but many times when I do something like burp loudly, it will often be met with the commentary of "you are such a male!"

What if I said to them, "that makes you less of a woman to do that and more of a male?"  I don't think it would be responded to very well.  But I think that without really understanding what they are doing, they are attempting to determine the concept of gender for themselves and they are not actually telling me that I am any more or less male or female.

I think that most people don't really consider their gender.  They don't really think much beyond their genitals determine their gender.  They are pretty confident in being male because they have a penis or female because they have a vagina.  But if you discount that criteria for determining gender, which is what the concept of being transgender dictates, then what exactly is it that does define gender?

Honestly, I really have no idea.  What I don't need is for people to gender things.  I don't need for people to say that things are male or female.  My behaviors don't need to be gendered.  My likes and dislikes don't need to be gendered.  My products don't need to be gendered.

The world does not need to be described in terms of male or female to allow us to figure out what we all are, because regardless of what anyone tells us, we all know what gender we are.  It just so happens that for the vast majority of the populace, the genitals match the gender.

For me, I don't think I am somewhere between being male or female because of my likes or dislikes, or behaviors, I think that way because of how I feel inside.  Because of how I view myself.

Don't will all have that freedom?

Well.... shouldn't we all have that freedom?

Love you.

Photos:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/jonathanmcintosh/3744844007
https://pixabay.com/en/bisexual-intersex-transgender-683939/