Vs
"you have been projecting blond for so long that dark hair seems like a disguise."
It is a very interesting comment but I think it is backwards. While looking at the pictures of myself in the black wig, it made me feel as though maybe I have been hiding by wearing a blond wig for so long. Wearing my new wig has caused me to think about what I am doing. It is kind of hard to explain the feelings. Like by dressing as a woman, am I trying to show a part of me, or am I trying to show me, or am I just being me, or am I trying to create some sort of idealized version of me.
I tend to think the later one is occurring.
See.... what I think is occurring within me is that for so long I strove to obtain a female image. Not necessarily a female version of me, but rather some sort of fantasy image of a woman. You know, that dream look that so many of us all have. This fantasy image of perfection for our bodies. Well... I have gotten close. Certainly not in real life! But in being able to know what to wear, how to wear it and how to photograph it well, I have come slose to pulling off that ellusive moment captured in a simple photgraph that shows a glorious flash of beauty.
But then I see myself in a black wig and I think, 'hey, wait a second! This is all wrong! This is not the look!' And it rubs me wrong. What am I? A look, captured fleetingly in a photo, or am I person. A person, with positive and negative attributes, a real person, who is quite free to change the color of their hair if they so choose to do so.
And that feels like me. That voice inside who says, 'oh are you telling me that I can't?' That sort of thing kind of gets me more than a bit fired up.
So.... I am trying to push myself to develop a more realistic internal image of who I am. Kind of like taking the fantasy image, and the real image and mushing them together. Being able to take a good looking picture is awesome. But I often mutter to myself that it is all smoke and mirrors! Pictures do not depict reality. Many folks tell me how great it is, that I "pass" SO well! I laugh! Do you know what I can do? I can take a pretty good picture! But if you are in front of me, interacting with me, that fantasy will crumble pretty quickly!
And for me, it is that piece that I am becoming more and more comfortable with. I am not that fantasy image, but I am doing pretty well with what I do have.
But... sometimes I think too much and over read into things.
Maybe I just prefer to be blond!
Hmm.....
Love!
There's absolutely nothing wrong with striving to achieve your ideals. The only problem is if it becomes a source of pain and angst. But I understand the desire to temper that ideal with reality.
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts. I like the idea of striving to achieve ideals.
DeletePersonally, I like the blond because it goes with your skin tone better. There is a lot of contract with the black one but ultimately, you wear whichever makes you feel the best! Happy weekend! -Lisa
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa-
DeleteI have been thinking about the skin tone thing quite a bit. It may really be just as simple as that. Blond goes better on me.
Hmm........
Definitely time to try brunette. Hah!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about it. Why not give it a whirl huh?
DeleteBOOM! You nailed it. You, I, or we can ONLY be that fantasy for the moment of the picture. And if I don't like that "moment", I take another picture.
ReplyDeleteYour internal conversations, memorialized, have helped me to become more comfortable with who I am...thank you!
Clare
Thanks Clare!
DeleteHow touching. Your comment left me with warm fuzzies!
I can't see you in such a dark color. I think the honey blonde matches your skin tone. The black makes you look pale. If you want to go darker, try a brown with some highlights. Blonde does seem to be your natural color
ReplyDeleteI have thought about brown. But you know, in terms of a natural color I have been thinking more and more about blond just being it. Maybe there is something to having a hair color, and sticking with it, because that is what works! Hmm....
DeleteI have to say this being transgender takes a lot or work and thought. I am not transgender and learning about it makes me think how difficult it is to sort out. I am a female and I have trouble with just that cause I am not a curvy girly girl but to tell the truth I didn't care about what others thought. I liked being anonymous and not noticed.It takes the pressure off. I often dont even notice whether or not someone is transgender.... I just look at the smile and respond to that. Maybe you will get to a place where you will not have to worry so much and can relax and just be you.
ReplyDeleteI would very much like to get to a point where I can relax and just be me. It is very strange to me that I spend so much time pondering all of this. I would really rather not. I would prefer to just live. It is unfortunate that there is such a disconnect between between what I want to do and what some think is acceptable for me to do.
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