And aren't they totally different from the male shoes that I normally wear, which are the ones pictured above? OMG, they are so totally different! I mean, can you see the pink splash of the Saucony symbol across the side of the female shoes? I mean if anybody were to see that I would surely be pitchforked, right?
Well, I decided to call BS on myself yesterday and buy the shoes regardless of what my inner meanie voices were saying. I had gone to Famous Footwear here in my town while on a break from work with the specific intent on buying some female shoes that I felt as though I could wear to work. This is something I have been doing a bit more of lately.
Here are some shoes that I have been wearing to work. They are female, and I have never gotten anything but nice positive comments about them. I work with a couple of people who really like Converse and they were sure to tell me how much they liked the ones I wear. Super nice!
But I have been down to one pair of tennis shoes, male ones, and I think it is better to have more than one pair of tennis shoes, otherwise they wear out so quickly. Thus I decided to try and find some female ones. And in Famous Footwear, I found some, the ones pictured at the top. But after trying them on and experiencing the fabulous fit, I decided that they were much too fem looking for me to be able to comfortably wear them while dressed as a male. And I left them sitting on the bench and walked out of the store.
As I was walking back to my truck, I looked down at my fingernails.
And there I was. Contemplating my own messed up voices. So, my super obvious female styled nails are fine, but shoes with a bit of pink on them, yeah, that's not okay. My two pairs of female Converse, yeah those are fine and I wear them all the time, but shoes with a little bit of pink on them, not okay. Wow! I am messed in the head!
I returned to work and pondered my twisted up perceptions. For the next few hours I questioned myself and returned again and again to the question of, if I am okay with myself, then why not buy the shoes? What is the worst that would happen? Someone might ask me about my new shoes with some pink on them. I was all twisted up about a color. A color that apparently I had deemed as not appropriate for a guy to wear. Even a guy with his nails painted. Even a guy who has both of his ears pierced. Even a guy who wears a diamond and sapphire wedding ring. Wow, seriously?
So I called BS on myself and I went and bought the shoes. And today I have them on my feet and I am at work! Wow, small victories huh? Yeah well I have not made it through the day yet. Who knows maybe I will still be pitchforked at some point!
Okay. Sounds great. Then how come I am still unwilling to wear my pair of super hot pink Saucony tennis shoes to work?
Wow, is it too much for me? Do I not want to wear this pair of super female shoes while dressed as a guy? Or do I think they violate the guy dress code far too much? Hmm?????? Just when I think I have myself figured out I find yet another area that I can't quite figure out.
I like to think of these things as an unsolved Rubic's Cube. I pick it up, twist it about. Try out different combinations. I can't quite figure it out, so I set it down and let it sit while I observe it from a distance. Occasionally I will go over, pick it up, twist it around, ponder it, and then set it down again.
I don't think there is a solution to the puzzle, just different combinations.
Hmm.....
Hot pink.....
Guy dress code violations......
Hmm.......
Painted fingernails, totally fine......
Hmm........
Just when I think I have it figured out......
Love you!
Wear more pink!
Those pink Saucony shoes are *seriously* cute, hon - too cute to keep in the closet!!! ;D
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Cass
Hiya Cass!
DeleteI love those pink shoes! They are my fave to wear while dressed as a girl, if I am wearing tennis shoes. But so far they have yet to be worn to work. Maybe sometime. Little steps first!
Fascinating study going on there Nadine. I'm doing the same sort of thing at the moment with the intention of slowly eliminating all vestiges of maleness apart from those that all liberated ladies wear these days.
ReplyDeleteBut then, I am transitioning...
It is interesting. I am not quite sure what my end goal is. I just keep thinking if I want to wear it, then is it problematic just because of the color? Or which department I buy it in?
DeleteThat really has been the thing for me over the past few years, realizing that the clothing I really wanted to wear was in the ladies' department, and why shouldn't I wear that? In many cases, I went ahead and bought.
DeleteWearing female details or even going out in public fully dressed up means to take calculated risks in a society that is not perfect and requires courage and self-confidence. Each little step can help to change people and is important for all living under the big umbrella named transgender whether they want to transition or not.
ReplyDeleteOh Nadine, you are so brave, it's wonderful to see.
Maybe the day will come without dress codes anymore.
Hugs
Feli
Hi Feli-
DeleteYeah, I think the self confidence part is the key. It is important that if you are going to buck the standard that you can respond appropriately to the public's response. It has taken me a long time to gain enough confidence to be willing to show others who I am. And I still struggle with it often.
Thanks Feli!